Thanks for the advice guys. <P>As many of you know, I've been here since Feb/99. Been through many stages. I have noticed that one thing doesn't change through it. That's waffling. Once you give up on trying to change your situation and begin to let things happen on their own, you begin to heal one way or the other. <P>Be your best and let go. That's the goal I've been working for. I have discovered that I have love for my W, I also have a love for myself. I trust in God. I look at my journey and I still ponder hers. <P>I believe we are soul mates, no matter how different we are or what mistakes we have made to hurt each other. Through all of this, there have been blunders, misinterpertations, etc. We always come back to the same place. We are friends. We are friends, if we LET ourselves be. It absolutely amazes me. <P>Personally, I have worked on letting go of my insecurity of "how dare she asks me to be her friend, or asks me for favors". There is not a person I know that I would not help out, except her. Until recently. I am tired of waffling, trying to change my situation/her. <P>I am tired of trying to prosecute the injustice of it all. Truth is I can be her friend. I have forgiven. Many friends and family (many here too), say how? Am I some kind of idiot, "you can't let her get away with that". Who says she is? That's not for me to determine. <P>I think once you can let go of the bitterness and the legacy of the situation, you find grace. Naturally, if these dissolve, you can to begin to let go AND love. <P>We all deserve to feel our hurt, but I've discovered that hurt can be an awfully destructive emotion. It leads to many undesirable characteristics; revenge, bitterness, self-pity, manipulation, hate. When folks say you need to FEEL your hurt, they are right, but you don't have to act on it. Maybe that's the real path to forgiveness and healing. I wish I could package what I've learned and give it away. No, this isn't a revelation and if you read me, you'll see the progression. I have more work to do, trust me I am not trying to be self-righteous. I just want to share where I have been and where I am trying to go.<P>I am still scared. Sometimes, when we laugh together or hug now, I think of what I've lost; for that moment. Then I focus on what I have gained and what that means for the future. I talked her through making a pot roast all day yesterday. She was cooking it for her sister and her fiance. Was I going to be invited, no. It would have been nice; I wished I was. That it was a surprise for me. Nope. But, did we have fun doing it together! Only because I let it happen. I have no fear of being "used" (ofcourse, I still have my boundries). I am happy with me and the reason why is because I CAN share and not recieve what I truley want in return. She can be the way she is because I let her. There would have been no constructive use in telling her I couldn't help her. Just me trying to serve justice by withholding my care and friendship. One thing I have asked myself when things get uncomfortable is "Which way you gonna go, Eric? Who do you really wanna be?" <P>I know.<P>"It's never been about them anyway..." has it?<P><BR>Eric32<P>

Eric32,<P>Thanks for sharing your update. I can totally relate to where you are. I am in a similar space with my wife. You hate what has happened but don't want to ruin what could be by obsessing over the past.<P>Sounds like you are on the right path. I'm just a little further along (by 4 months) than you and I can tell you it gets better and better. <P>Struggling

Congratulations on your new found wisdom! =

Hi Eric -<P>Thank you so much for putting into words what I have been feeling...<P>It is not that you aren't hurt....it is that the love is more important and productive!!<P>One must realize that the bitterness, anger, judgements and impatience do not change the situation...they only keep you from any progress. <P>Basically if you hang on to those feelings than you are keeping YOURSELF stagnant!!!!<P>I thank you again for making this so much clearer.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS - Hope Rutger and Shattered read this!! Things can get better if you allow yourself to let them.<P>