I inadvertently discovered evidence of EA with a MM in another state on 3-6-07. The evidence was an email exchange with a "friend" who is another WS deep in a PA. A 2 person support group of cheating wives, I guess. I was completely shocked. We had a seemingly great M, with no signs of infidelity. My evidence seemed to indicate that there had been NC since April 06, almost 1 yr. I confronted next evening with a letter stating I knew the facts of her betrayal and asking for honesty. She admitted the A and even that it was a PA and said that she ended it a year ago (April). She has said she will do whatever it takes to rebuild our M. She has answered any questions I ask her. She said the A started at a conference in Fall 04, just flirting, some kissing, then NC for a couple months and he contacted her. Email, calls and txts fueled the EA which went PA in March 05. They met 3 times total, last being late 05 or early 06. I called the MM and told him I knew and asked him some questions to confirm details. He confirmed start & ends dates and number of meetings and where. She has asked for fogiveness. I explained my pain, my anger, my love and I forgave her. I believe what she has told me. I want to move on, but here I am. I am still obsessing, scouring over emails I've looked at before. Analyzing calendars for clues as to where were the girls and I while she was on her trysts. Even though it's over and she says she has recommitted to our M, I am sad and depressed and I have no one to talk to about it. How long is this going to last?

d-day 03/06/07
bs(me) -38
ww -35
married 5/22/99
twin daughters born 1/29/02

Have you contacted MM's wife to let her know about this?

It's going to take time, and counseling. You need to get to an MC who understands infidelity, who can both help you personally recover from this betrayal as well as can help you both figure out why your wife did this.

Call the Harley's for counseling is a great idea. Or find one in your area, especially one who supports the MB principles.

Do NOT try to recover 'on your own'. That's a plan that's almost garaunteed to fail.

I have not contacted MM's wife. If the A was active, I most certainly would have, but since it ended a year ago I decided it would not be worth it. I do not want to put her through the pain that I feel. I explained to MM that his and WS actions have consequences and caused serious pain and that he should deal with the issues in his M. But that is between them. I have enough to deal with to get right. Also, I do not want to act out of anger, revenge or spite. Lord knows I have certainly felt all of these emotions. I just want my M back on track, so does WS (she says...and I believe), and my head straight. I want to be over the sadness, suspicion, and obsessing over the images of "them" together in my mind.

YOU'RE not putting her through that pain...and the sooner you realize that, the better!!

It's MM that put her through that pain by betraying her with your wife. NOT your fault...HIS.

Does the fact that it happened a year ago matter to how YOU feel about it right now?? Of course not.

If you hadn't found out on your own that it happened, would you have wanted someone to tell you the TRUTH of what happened a year ago?? OF COURSE.

So don't look for reasons NOT to tell her...do it. It's the right first step for you to start recovering your own strength from all of this. This has nothing to do with anger...it has to do with doing the right thing.

Is your wife in any kind of contact with OM anymore? Work, casual, etc...???

You DO need to get counseling to help you deal with this. And your wife is going to need it to learn how to help you cope with all of this too. Make it happen friend.

Gee I agree with Owl - again. (Is it a full moon?)

I don't agree with Owl at all. I think DC is right in his decision to keep his focus on his M.

How can he focus on the M, with this big dark cloud looming over the M?

I recommend both he and his W, do some serious reading (i.e. Surviving an Affair & His Needs/Her Needs), take the EN questionnaire, call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling to get a real recovery plan in place.

It is good his W has come 'clean' but now the healing needs to start. It hasn't yet. The BS has been taken aback and needs to heal.

Jennifer will help you both get a recovery plan which includes getting closure for the both of you so that this kind of thing does NOT happen again.

JMHO,
L.

I agree that you should focus on your marraige and make a plan. I think that contacting is too far in the past to worry about making a difference. She already wants to commit to making a commitment- do it!

Miss_bein_a_Wife and cfc...

Dr. Harley says that the other BS should ALWAYS be told...There is another victim to consider in all of this...It is CRUEL to keep this woman in the dark...I am appalled that anything other than full disclosure would even be considered...OMW MUST BE TOLD...PERIOD...END OF STORY...

Telling OMW also gives further insurance that the affair will not resume...Two sets of eyes watching are better than one...

Telling OMW is the only right thing to do...

Mrs. W

Ditto what Mrs W said.

DC, the others are right, the OMW needs to know the truth so she can protect herself from her H. That is the only decent thing to do. She may be angry that you waited this long [why did you wait?!] but better late than never.

You should do this AND focus on your marriage.

edited to add: I see now why you waited to tell her, you just found out last month.