Hi everyone, I'm new here but I've been reading Marriage Builders for a while now.
I have been married for almost a year now and VERY happy (6 years after my H's divorce from his 1st wife who's psychologically unbalanced). They have a daughter together, she is 9. I met her when she was 5 1/2 and we hit it off really well, even her mom said she liked me a lot and said she talked about me all the time. Well, some things that I'd rather not comment on happened and my H and I haven't talked to his daughter for more than a year. He hasn't seen her since she was 6. I believe she does not know he is married to me or that she even remembers me.
Back when we started dating, she was the only family he had, being an only child and parents deceased, so he gave her a lot of attention and almost none to me. Nowadays things have come to normal again and I AM his only family since he has not seen his 9 y.o. daughter in 3 years. I used to like the little girl but now I want her and her mom out of our lives -- I told him he can try an approach but the daughter will most likely reject him given what her unbalanced mom has been telling her. The fact is that, from past experience, I'm jealous he will be the person I first met and treat me as second best. I know and he has told me a billion times it's me and him and we're a team and nothing will ever come between us. He even said that if his daughter doesn't accept ME, he will have a serious talk with her saying she cannot have daddy without stepmom.
I just think I would flip seeing him hugging or kissing her because I'm so used to having him only for me and quite frankly I believe she hardly remembers him so why bother? If we push for visitation, we will open the Pandora Box and have his ex calling us at 3am saying she will kill herself (and things like this), so I think we should just move on with our lives....am I a bad person for thinking that? He hasn't been around his daughter long enough to have the bond I used to have with my late dad, for example.
I don't know...I'm just so confused about it all...my H says what happens, happens but I'm a planner. I like to have a plan B.
I know I'm really jealous of his daughter and the relationship they MAY have ... I can't wait to move out of the country (in 2 years) so we're far away from those 2 (ex and daughter) and start our own family. And I feel horrible for thinking that although the other half of me says I have the right to be happy and not do whatever to please my H. He is the least concerned about the situation...and I am freaking out thinking he may have contact with her soon.
I told him I like the girl as MY stepdaughter but not as HIS daughter. Meaning it's okay for me to go shopping with her but not okay for him to have a relationship with her, kwim?? Man, aren't I crazy??

My question is if your are so jealous, why is the heck did you marry a man with a child, and if your hubby can just throw away his only daughter to a women that he has had in his life for only what 5 yrs then he is a fool........ sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear.

Pink, I don't know whether your feelings on this are unhealthy or just incredibly selfish. Forget making your husband happy. What is right? Is it right for him not to make any effort to have a relationship iwht his daughter? Is it right to completely abandon her to be raised by a woman who is "unbalanced"? Please remember this child is an innocent bystander in the mess her parents created. Even if she doesn't remember much about her dad, she knows she had one. She must be wondering why he hasn't called her, sent her a card, or tried to see her.

Let me make another point. You talk about moving to another country and starting a your own family. If your husband treats his first daughter like this, abandons her, how will he treat his second or third child? HMMM?

I'm begging you, please do the right thing by this child. Encourage your husband to have a relationship with her. Him having a daughter doesn't stop him from caring for you. Learning to share people is an essential life skill, espeically if you are contemplating parenthood.

I couldn't be married to a man who would say to his daughter: "He even said that if his daughter doesn't accept ME, he will have a serious talk with her saying she cannot have daddy without stepmom."

That child didn't ask to be born, and she didn't ask for her parents to split up. I understand that he wants and needs her to respect you--but at 9years old you DON'T give her that kind of ultimatum. She is a child for chrissakes.

If the tables were turned and she was your child how would you feel? Could you turn your back on her?

She neds your help. Make a difference in her life. She'll love you for it one day--and so will he.

PP,

I'm wondering,did you get involved with this man before he was divorced? The reason I ask is that most times when a spouse cheats,the wayward spouse and the other person in the affair typically abandon the faithful spouse and any children in favor of engaging in the affair.Also,the usual stereotypical labels of "psycho","Unbalanced" wife,etc,etc comes into play to make the whole scenario seem so much more justified when in reality the affair CAN cause the betrayed spouse to be horribly hurt and "crazed",so to speak, from the shock.

Anyway,if your relationship/marriage was not started from an affair,I do apologize.If it did,I have nothing positive to offer.

Nonetheless,your feelings toward the little girl are disturbing and misguided in *my opinion, so I would suggest you look again at why you feel this way.They are your feelings,yes,but to be jealous of a little girl and hope that the man you are married to just pretends his own daughter doesn't exist for your own sake is very sad and very selfish.

...also you say that you had a deep bond with YOUR father. Lucky you. Too bad this child will never have that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Why6 were you entitled to that and she isn't?

pinkpiggy, you need some serious help. jealous of a child, HIS child taking HIM away from YOU. It doesn't get much more selfish than that. you SHOULD feel bad for thinking how you are thinking because it is disgusting and wrong.

you two should be embracing and loving this child and instead you can't wait to run away from another country fast enough. start your own family and forget about that innocent little girl. pathetic and sick.

i have children. i would NEVER be involved with a man who was jealous of my time with my children. and i would never want to be with a man who has not made every effort on the face of the earth to try and spend time with his own flesh and blood. i don't care how nuts the mother might be (if in fact that is true), that is NO reason not to have contact with your own flesh and blood.

you know what? on second thought, this little girl might just be better off without the two of you. it is obvious she doesn't come first and probably never would. your needs and your husbands would come before hers so she is probably better off.

mlhb

Thank you for all the replies.
I did not get involved with my H before he split from his 1st wife. We met 5-6 years after their divorce, actually.

I feel bad for the little girl because she was an unwanted child. He was ready to file for divorce after verbal and physical abuse coming from her when she magically found out she was pregnant. We even question his fatherhood since she was having an affair at the time (and is still with the same man, to our knowledge). Anyway, this doesn't really matter unless we want all the child support money back, which we don't.
We both really wanted to get married. I married him BECAUSE we share a deep and respectful love plus he wanted us to move away from the USA so I could be with my family and HE could have a family in mine (he would re-arrange visitation for vacation time back then). Yes, I was very lucky to have a dad I did and I don't believe my H loves his daughter in every sense of the word, I believe he likes her, has tender feelings towards her but I don't feel any more than that from him. We talk about the girl and I encourage him to try and push for contact but according to some psychiatrists and attorneys we have been consulting with, some things are better left as they are sometimes. She is already 9, has a mind of her own and probably hates her dad because of what the ex has been telling her.
We have a very clear position on this: if she wants to know who her father is in the future (in case they have no contact now), she'll come look for us and will be received with open arms and love.
I don't think I can do much more than show her she HAS been loved but circumstances and life didn't work to have her and her dad together. I believe my H is very right in the way he'll talk to her, she cannot disrespect me just because.
I thank you all for your answers but the more I think about it, the more I realize some things are better left as they are....and it shows me I am not selfish or whatever I was called. I will do whatever to protect my marriage and I don't want crazy women throwing fits in front of my house at 6am.

mlhb, you are right. Children don't come first.
1st is God
2nd is your spouse
3rd is your children
4th is your job
5th your money

The mother is clinically unbalanced yes.
You can say this is disgusting and all kinds of words like that. I am very proud of how my husband will stand by me as I will stand by him. He's been the happiest he's ever been in years which never happened when he had his daughter over 2 a week.
Sorry, if you think that way....

Abandoned children don't ever get over it, even if they have never met their father. Why any woman would want a man who abandoned his child is incomprehensible. She will regret it when he abandons her and any children they have in the future.

Absolutely.

Please do not have children.

AGG

you are right pinkpiggy and i had that same talk with my bf last night as we read over your post and were mortified by your words.

if YOU TWO WERE putting god first you would turn this over to him and you would fight until there was no more fight to be had until he had contact and a relationship with his daughter. i am a christian through and through and i know god would not want this abandonment of an innocent child to take place.

as i said before, the child is better off without you two.
you are right, you should leave the country and go some where else. and WE will pray that little girl gets the help and guidance she needs as she goes through life trying to figure out why her father abandoned her and put his NEW wife ahead of her needs. you justify it any way that you would like.

my ex was abandoned by his bio father. he was raised by both parents until he was about 4 then they divorced. at some point thereafter his mom remarried and my ex was adopted by the new husband and the bio father signed off his rights to my ex. 32 years later my ex is whack job because of this. he had abandonment issues his whole life and trust me has many other issues as well. the bio father then decides to make contact when my ex was an adult and that messed him up even more.

children are precious. that is all i am going to say.

AGG, RIGHT ON!

mlhb

PP,

I'm absolutely outrage by your "SELFISHNESS". You claim that you "share a deep and respectful love"with your husband. Yet you are willing to take his child out of his life, deprive him of his daughter. How can you look at yourself in the mirror?

I have no respect for any man who walks away from his own child. I have no respect for women who are selfish like you, want him to forget his daughter ever existed and yet he can be there for your child?

I agree with mlhb, perhaps both of you are better off out of this little girl's life. You both are toxic for her.

OMG this post cannot be real.

A grown woman jealous of a child?

PP, what happened to you in your childhood? I don't buy your story of a good relationship w/ your dad.

Rationalize your behavior all you want, but the bottom line is you need serious counseling.

Right on mlhb

Shame on you for flaming a member who comes here for opinions. Opinions, not being called these horrible words!

PinkPiggy, I am a psychologist and have been working with families for 25 years. My husband, a very respectable psychiatrist here in NY and I analyzed your post yesterday and we came to the conclusion that it is perfectly normal and even expected to feel the way you´re feeling.You have every right to. It is clear that you want the best for the child, just not in your marriage and your husband does not have a good enough bond to seek for a relationship right now. Maybe in the future?. You both, from my understanding, made this decision together and I see nothing wrong with that. Kids between the ages of 9 and 17 are the least accepting of new wives/husbands in their parents lives.
Please, do not think you are crazy or a bad person for what you have written and never think of your husband as a "fool" - he is doing the right thing by not introducing bitter feelings in his daughter´s lives ("my dad abandoned me" which from your post I don´t think it´s the case. Chances are, she will reject him and you guys need to be ready to deal with this. If you are not, don´t touch the beehive as a collegue would say.
From your post, the kid´s mother may be re-married? This guy is the father figure in her life and nothing more awkward to a nine year old to have to process that.
Do not blame yourself for your feelings, I think you and your husband are really brave to let a loved one go on behalf of her happiness (after so many years, I can read between the lines). Sometimes, you have to let the butterfly fly in order to get her back. You may have phrased your post wrongly but I got the essence of it and I do understand where you are coming from. If eventualy you guys want hints on how to approach the child and incorporate her in your married life, I´m here to give you advice.

I will PM you my email and my office ph# if you or your husband need to talk.
You don´t need serious help, you guys have a family now and priorities change all the time. He doesn´t even know his daughter for God´s sakes!

Good luck and keep smiling. No one can be blamed for protecting their marriage and the husband for suffering rejection from his daughter.

what? what the h*ll kind of psychologist are you?
i live in ny state, i am sure glad i didn't go to you or your husband when i was seeking counseling! my ex would probably love you 2, maybe you should email him too.
he is about as selfish and narcistic (oh, and so is his mistress) as pp is. he could go to you and you could just help him justify his behavior as well.

wow, where do some of these people come from.....
mlhb

mlhb - you are certainly bitter and has some issues to overcome yourself. So I´ll be hoping and praying you one day can change from this horrible judgemental person to a normal one.
Having said that, have a good night everyone.

She didn't ask for opinions, she wanted us to justify her behavior towards the child...who incidentally will need plenty of therapy herself. Call it what you want Doc, but I say it borders on abuse.

Very funny, Ms. Psychologist. Is it these phrases that convinced you that Piggy wants the best for the child?:








God help us if this is normal and "wanting what's best for a child". Get serious.

AGG

I believe PP was confused and found her answers herself.
She has every right to say to her husband "Honey, I know you have a daughter you have not seen in forever and don´t even know her, but I don´t want to go that road".
There is no abuse, no selfishness and the other funny words used here (you guys really cracked me up with your answers). She has the right to say no and he has the right to say yes or even no to the girl. They seem happy and from her PMs, life with the ex and the daughter was beyond crazy. Cut them some slack. They have the right to this decision and nothing in this world will make them "bad" people.
They may regret in the future, sure. But in the present time, they are happy and in peace. And that is what matters.