I'm glad I discovered this forum. I have been married for 12 1/2 years. We have two girls, 6 and 3 1/2. Recently my wife and I separated, at her request. She is home with the kids so I offered to move out and to a friend's house.

We have lost touch with each other emotionally in the past few years. To compound the situation I have had a hard time with intimacy in my marriage in general. I have not emotionally met her needs. As I learn about myself dealing with this situation, I believe I have been holding back some feelings with her for fear of being hurt. I am a product of divorce at the age of 6 and at the time and subsequently in close relationsihps I bottled everything up. I am letting it out now at the age of 38 after my wife has emotionally left our relationship.

About a month ago I literally felt her throw a switch and turn me off. I could feel it as if I was slugged. Since then she has turned from an open available spouse into a stone wall. When I felt the switch go from open to closed, it was very obvious. I asked her about it. She denied that it was the case. I noticed at the same time she was closing the lid on her laptop when she wasn't using it, and closing her email. Completely unlike her. This coupled with the general denial of the emotional situation made me suspicious that she was emotionally connecting with someone else. I did not and do not suspect a physical affair.

To cut a few chapters out of the story, she was indeed emailing an "old friend from high school" and I believe was receiving emotional fulfillment from him. I found this out but reading her email, which I am ashamed to say I did, but I desperately needed answers that I wasn't getting. She denied it until I told her I saw the emails. Then she denied it was improper at all. This guy had a major crush on her in high school. The crush was unrequited at the time. He is married now. The emailing started before we separated, and I think was the catalyst for the separation.

Despite the denials, I was prepared to let this go and focus on my own issues in the relationship so that I can have a successful marriage with this woman. I told her that if she felt the need to connect emotionally with another man, that I wasn't doing my job and that I would work very hard to do so. I sought counseling. She has so emotionally detatched that my willingness to work on me could be coming too late. If so, I'll have to deal with it, and it's just crushing me that I might have failed this relationship. This feeling is so hard to take.

I went to my house last night to watch my girls. I noticed the caller id history had been erased -intentionally- from two of our phones. So unlike the "old" her. My stomach turned over when I saw that. I found a third phone that had discharged. I charged it and saw that a strange number had called several nights in a row, late at night. I called the number and got this guy's voice mail, the email guy. I looked at her cell phone records and saw that since my separation, they have been talking every night for an hour at a time. They started talking on my daughter's birthday, before my wife asked for the separation.

I confronted my wife and she denied it. She said she only spoke him once two weeks ago. I told her I saw the calls, how could she deny it? She then fessed up to the conversations but refused to say she did anything wrong, and in fact told me she couldn't trust me because I was going through her stuff. She said she was not having a relationship with this person in the way I thought, and that we were separated and it was none of my business anyway. I think part of her really believes this. She is in such a massive state of denial.

This was never any distrust in our relationship. I never suspected she could be this person. My wife is a liar now. I feel like chump. Here I was daily apprising her of my emotional, painful journey to working on myself that I'm on, and how committed I am to really changing myself and salvaging this relationship, and she's talking to this guy every night on the phone.

This relationship she is having, became, I believe, the crutch she is using to separate from me. She refuses to go to couples counseling and instead wants me to be in therapy to work out my issues. She has wanted me to go to therapy for years and I wouldn't go until now, until this separation. I should have years ago, I admit that. A few years ago I'm sure she would have gone to couples counseling and now I feel like I've blown it. She has given me no indication that if I can sort my stuff out that we will reconnect.

To be fair I have not been a great emotionally present partner. She is not wrong for how she feels and that I need to do a bunch of work. But this email and phone stuff with this guy, it feels so wrong to me. I want to throw up thinking about it. I just want the chance to try.

I feel so hurt and invalidated. She is not someone I know anymore. The impact is devastating. I can barely function due to the grief of this loss and the deeper well of what I think is divorced kid emotions bubbling up to the surface and overflowing, combined with the pain of the relationship ending and the dishonest manner in which it's going down. I have no weight with her anymore. I am now a nuisance that she wants to brush off. This hurts so much I can't even describe it.

I do not know what to do. Does anyone have a similar situation and could offer thoughts? Is her behavior with this guy improper? I feel pretty low. Thank you for listening.

dbwat,

I am so sorry to read of your situation. It is one that I can identify with. At least the emotional blockade part. Fortunately I haven't had to deal with another person entering the equation. I want to encourage you that there is a lot of hope for you if you will cling to it. On this website there is a lot of help but there is also a lot of help elsewhere. Her relationship no matter how innocent which apparently it isn't is definitely wrong. There may not be much you can do to prevent it at this point but that doesn't mean that all hope is lost. Read with caution what I am writing below. Only you know the situation best. That she is going off on this tangent is not entirely your fault. Don't take full blame because that will only make your job harder. Deep in her heart, she probably well knows the ways that she has contributed to the breakdown. I too shunned counseling while she went and now I do see a counselor while she refuses to. Don't be too hard on yourself about that. Only thing you can do with the past is learn from it. You can't change it but you can overcome it.

I too have dealt with a woman who closed off emotionally and I know just how heartbreaking that can be for you. I am going to paste in an answer to a question I saw on another Christian marriage ministry. This may help shed some light on the subject for you. Satan desperately wants to steal your marriage and right now your wife is decieved into thinking that another relationship is the way to deal with the disappointment she feels. But, obviously that is not the case. Here's the quote I was talking about. I'll comment further below it.


We are both unhappy. Should we divorce?
The Bible is against divorce. No doubt there is unhappiness for each party who enter into such action and they are listening to the deceiver's lies about how to best solve the problems. But, they both must learn how to submit to God's authority for victory over these via Christ's indwelling life. They both must understand how the power of sin and the flesh operate and “offer their members to God as instruments of righteousness [instead of] to the power of sin as instruments of unrighteousness” (Rom. 6:13).

A believer who knows how to walk in the truth and yet submits to the power of sin is a modern-day Esau. Esau traded his birthright for a meal...exchanged his inheritance (true identity) for temporal gratification. It's astounding how people who know the truth can do such a thing even at the potential expense of seeing their own children slide into the world's river (to say nothing of the weaker brothers who will fall because of their example). I realize that the emotions can go bananas. We all have experienced that; but, the indwelling life of Christ through us is able to walk the narrow way even in spite of this.


C. S. Lewis said, “When people are traveling along the road of life and discover they have taken a wrong turn, the first one to turn around and go back is the most progressive.” Pride refuses to turn back. Pride waits for the other person to make the first move. And tragically, there will often be a false comforter alongside who will assure the sinning Christian that he has “every right” to personal happiness and should get a divorce.

Now, what you read there is very true and may not be of great comfort to you but the first thing you have to be able to do is see the situation for what it is. It took me a while to see my situation for what it is but once you start discovering the truth, you should be better able to deal with it. Probably best right now not to pressure her too much. If she starts talking divorce, don't rush into anything and do all you can to drag your feet. Don't even mention the word divorce and if she brings it up, don't discuss it. Try not to make any commitments or rush into asking her to do anything. Right now, focus on gaining control of your emotions. I know how terriblly difficult this is but in time, you can with God's help actually do that.

As you mentioned, you as well deal with being emotionally available. That's understandable considering your background. But, you can indeed overcome it. You have to refuse (not publicly state but just resolve within yourself) to be not be overcome by the desire to protect yourself by closing off emotionally. I have been able to access some very great resources that have helped me deal with the self-induced condemnation. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Here's something you might want to consider listening to. It's free and it is incredibly powerful. Go to Times Square Church website. Address is tscnyc.org. Go to the overcoming life sermon series which is done by Pastor Neil Rhodes. There is a list of 30 sermons that deal with a wide variety of issues. Look for the Feb 5, 2006 sermon titled "Destroying the Spirit of Divorce". You can download this to your computer and you can also load it onto an iPod if you have one. Listen to this sermon a couple of times and you will probably be enouraged by it. There are several other sermons that there that may be very helpful to you. Keep renewing your mind by listening to the word.

Hang in there brother. I know you are crushed. Been there, made it through it. You can and you will too.

You situation sounds very much like mine. Except I don't have kids and there is no one else involved as far as I know.

It's very painful, this is my 3rd week with her.

I have several posts over on Michele Weiner-Davis's website divorcebusting.com using the same user name 12_51. I've posted in several of her forums, but found that the "Sex-Starved Marriage" and "Walk Away Wife" forums where very helpful. (I have been documenting my steps in those forums.)

There are people out there that are in the same place as you are and can give you lots of advice. Be careful, it may not all apply in your case.

Here's a link:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=54&page=1

I would suggest that you read two of her books ASAP. The first one is "The Sex-Starved Marriage". It really explained so much for me. Why I had the "low desire" problem. It also help me understand what my wife was going thru. The other book is her "Divorce Remedy." It will help you not shoot yourself in the foot.

Give her some space. It's hard.

My wife and I had a talk yesterday and I gave her a copy of the The Sex-Starved Marriage book. I'd recommend reading first before you decide giving it to your wife.

I also found that my Testosterone level was low. Well, actually my doctor said that it was with-in the normal range, but it was on the low end. Some experts would say it is abnormal. He said that he'd give me a perscription.

I also resisted talking about sex and getting help in the past. The more she pushed, the more I resisted. (We have been going to counseling since october, but she has stopped when she left. Also, in the counseling we were focusing on other things first then the sex issue. Get to the sex issue first, if that's why your wife is unhappy.) I just didn't understand what was going on. I felt less of a man, but now I know that the problem does happen to men too.

We're still separated, but we're talking and it's much more pleasent than it was at first. She hasn't gone to an attorney, so hopefully I've still got a chance.

Golfbud has given me some good support too, he's been there.

Good luck! Don't give up until it's final.

Hope for the Separated is a good Christian book as well. It's typical that a woman will point the finger saying you are the one who needs counseling. At least you are admitting that you had problems, go to counseling and show her that you are willing to address your end of the problems. But kindly suggest that she goes as well. It's all about self protection, even her building a wall around herself. But things can change, seek help and be open.

Thank you for your replies. They mean a lot. This is so hard, I am just weeping as I write this. My wife told me this weekend she wants a divorce over me going through her email. I know I went too far to break into her email accounts, and maybe there is nothing going on. I hate that I provoked this. I really lost it Friday night and couldn't help it. I just needed answers. I still don't know if I found any or not.

I said above in my first post that my wife had become a liar. I have become a liar too. I lied about the extent of my knowledge of her activities. I promised her I would not read her email again and I did. What does that make me.

Don't throw in the towel. You ain't dead yet. Ok, you messed up and did something you said you wouldn't do. Damage is done but you can rebuild that trust. Forgive yourself, ask God to forgive you and consider the appropriate time and way to ask her to forgive you. Let her see a different man. One who recognizes need for change and is willing to make it. No good to do a whole of of back and forth accusing right now. She will use the trust issue to justify that she is right in going the direction she is headed in. She'll use it to make her case that you are in the wrong and she is in the right.

Look for the truth. Avoid talking about a divorce if at all possible.

Hang in there and don't beat yourself up so much!!!

There is plenty of blame for each of you to get to this point. It's not ALL your fault!!

Keep your head up, improve yourself (get a life), read as much as you can. Did you check out those books I suggested? If not at least checkout the website and read the posts. For me they were very helpful. The "Divorce Remedy" book helps you map out a plan. The Sex-Starved Marriage book will help you realize and understand why you have a problem with intimacy. It'll also help you understand your wife's side too. (I don't work for or make any money of these book, but they have help me a lot.)

My wife left me 4 weeks ago tomorrow. (It was a week before our 13th anniversary.) It was extreamly painful and still is. But, if you "build" yourself back up and learn more you'll be a better person in the end. It's hard as ******, I know where you're at, but all you've got now is "you" and God. You've got to help yourself.

One other thing, if you find out information through sources like reading her emails, be careful how you use the information. Don't fly off the handle and jump her with it. Think about it for 48 hours first. Also, if you expose where you got the information, she'll make sure that she stops that activity and/or secures that activity so you won't be able to see it any more. If you've got a source for information, don't blow it. Having said all this, it's still wrong for you to look at her emails, but having info is nice sometimes.

Hang in there and don't give up. It's not over until the papers are filed and the judge has acted on it.

My wife asked me for a divorce last night. It was a very peaceful discussion, and by that I mean not just the level of emotional engagement, but a feeling of grace and acceptance. She was the old "her" and expressed that she wants a divorce and that she wants to work with me as a partner to parent our children and to collaborate on the divorce details. She asked me to let her go.

Her attitude of peace and cooperation --and really, of caring-- was meaningful to me. She said she loved me but was unhappy in the relationship and didn't want the last month's hostilities and mistrust to carry into divorce.

I told her it wasn't what I wanted but also realize that if we're going to be divorced then working in the interests of our children as two parents who deeply care about each other is a really good attitude for our children. We want them to always feel loved and to know that mommy and daddy care about each other.

I got off the phone feeling very peaceful and caring deeply for my spouse. This also gives me the greatest hope of reconciliation -- to engage in these collaborative activities and show her what I wasn't showing her in our day-to-day marriage. Divorce proceedings can turn a couple around, and nothing is final yet.

I know she is not feeling the deep emotions of regret and everything else yet, and I can only hope that she does soon, so that she realizes we still have a lot of hope, and that our issues are ALL fixable. I also know that me pushing her into a reconciliation is doing a lot of damage, and no matter how much I want it, I can't make her do it.

I woke up at 5 am again crying this morning, but it's at least a slightly more hopeful feeling, ironically.

I'm sorry. I know where you're at. My wife and I are suppose to have dinner and talk tomorrow night. My feeling is that she's going to tell me that she's moving out and/or that she going to file.

I want to do everything I can to prevent it, but there's nothing I can do. I know that it's not over until the judge's ink is dry on the paper.

I am so lonely and have the most hopeless feeling. I know that everything in my marriage can be fixed. Mostly it's my fault for not waking up soon enough. Damn, if I could only turn back time.

I feel the same way. She won't come to counseling and wants to get everything over really quickly. We were only separated for one week. I don't understand the suddenness and how this can be moving so quickly. It's just so crushing, everything is upside down. Thank you guys for listening.