Ok, so I've been trying to do plan a for awhile now. I think I was pretty successful in the fall but it has went downhill from there. I think it was not successful in rebuilding love between us at that point because he had started a new EA and that's where his energies were. But there's been NC for almost 2 months now. I've unfortunately been getting to the point where I'm sick of trying with no response from him and have been thinking about plan b. But then isn't the point of plan b to get him to stop the EA and agree to working on the marriage? Because I think he is agreeable to that, I'm just at the end of my rope. I told him last night I just wanted to continue with the divorce because I'm so lonely and have been for so long, that I want to find someone else to fill my EN and who will accept my love in return. His response is that he still doesn't want a divorce and that that is the marriage he wants us to eventually have. He says he is committed to our marriage and will NOT become involved with any other women. He also says he is committed to learning how to be a good husband by going to counseling faithfully for as long as it takes. But he says he's still too hurt and messed up from everything WE have done to our relationship to be able to meet any of my EN at this point. So I asked him bottom line, what he was asking of me. He said that for the time being, we not spend much time together, since it's miserable anyways. (true) That we continue with our MC. And until further notice, he wants me not to bring up the A's, talk about the marriage, bring up the past, talk about hopes for the future, not cry around him, and not expect ANY affection or sex from him. So basically, if and when he calls me to spend time together, I need to be happy, fun and cheerful. Not ask questions or share any of my thoughts, feelings or needs. Not ask, when can we see each other again. (we haven't lived together for over a year) And I guess that eventually he thinks he'll learn some big secret of how to be a good husband and then start doing so, and I will still be here waiting and grateful. I don't know what to think! On one hand, I think he's being incredibly selfish but then on the other hand, it sounds like he's asking for me to follow plan a. I don't know what to say! I mean, I want to FU! But that never gets anyone anywhere, so any ideas or advice on how to take this???

Ask him to stick out his tongue and check if it is forked. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Sounds like it's time for Plan B! Have you read up on Plan B in Surviving an Affair?

I think you need to move to Plan B. The problem is that if you are lonely and needy, you will end up losing your love for him anyway. I think it is time for some action from him, and it doesn't look like he is into any, so you are the one that needs to do something.

I am looking into plan B and working on tying up loose ends on the financial side of things. I have been very lonely in this marriage since the first D-day, in Oct of 2005. And I am losing the love I used to have for him. There is very little left and him asking that I go along with such a "plan" has almost destroyed that. It's like he expects me to play nice when and if he graces me with his presence, and wants me to have no expectations of him acting like a husband. After your very blunt responses, I see more the extreme disrespect he has for me in asking this. Almost like it's a joke, it's so ridiculous, except he's completely serious!

Before you go into plan B, check yourself. Is your mind and heart in sync? In addition to getting your finances and support in order.....make sure you are on solid ground because plan B will rock his world and you w/b the first to get his backlash. Least that is how it gets in many cases. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Forever:


Oh yea, blaming YOU gets him off the hook of owning his own stuff. He isn't ready to look inside for the rotten parts yet. He may never.

You are NOT his mom (or how he envisions his mom). You are his wife. You don't have to make nice while he wanders around looking for a flower in the weeds of his life. In other words, it is all about him and so long as you are willing to act like his MOM, it will always be that way.

Plan B his sorry [censored], then find happiness with a changed him or a new guy you train right from the beginning.

Larry

My FWH too! How long has this been going on? Does he still have OW? I kicked my H out on Thursday because he said he didn't care and played the same act as yours. I haven't seen or heard from him since. Good Luck!

Plan B, Plan B. Do not coddle this person. He is ONLY thinking of himself. Plan A is not meant to go on forever. The type of arrangement he is asking for is a triangle. If contact is continued right now with your WH, you will have nothing left to give the marriage.

Get those finances together, and then cut him off. I agree with Larry, you are not his mom, and if ANYONE else was treating you like this, you wouldn't tolerate it.

Ok so I decided to go plan b. It will take me a little time to get finances and custody lined up so while I'm doing that and putting together my letter, I think that I will give it an all out last push with plan a. For those who know my sitch, I've bombed out big time in the last few months with a. I don't want that to be what H remembers about me when I go dark. So far the last 3 days I've done awesome with the being/acting happy, busy, and respectful. He hasn't let me fill any of his EN nor filled any of mine for several months, but in the last few days, he initiated several hugs and one kiss! I think I'm finally figuring this out.. what do you think? I think that last fall when I was doing awesome with plan a, and it wasn't getting through to him, it was because he was still in the middle of the EA. But then in January, when he finally got to NC, I also got to overload. I started freaking out about everything and completely dropped plan a for plan FU. On the plus side, this did not drive him back to OW but then it did drive him away from me. So he is still in NC, and committed to MC. If I can stick to plan a, and it does draw him back to me even slightly, then maybe that will be enough L Bank deposits to keep going another month. What do you all think? Somehow I think I can keep going if it's in short definate periods with a time limit instead of just until whenever. Also if it now brings about some affection in response! I know that's not the point of why we show love, to just get something in return, but it is necessary for the long run success of marriage, ya know?

I would stay in Plan A no longer than 1-2 more weeks, FIL, and then move into Plan B. It takes no longer than that to leave a good taste in his mouth, especially after a years worth of Plan A. That will give you time to get your finances in order.