I haven't posted in quite a while. In some ways allot of things have changed, in others, things are just the same.

I have been working hard to deal with my anger and not let it build up and spew out or weed its way into my character with bitterness or unproductive behavior.

I am depressed right now. Divorce is a very sad thing. Nobody wins. I hear some say "Now you will be free" No, I will never be free from the mistakes I made. Forgiven, but not free. They will never cease to exist. My husband nor myself will ever be the same people that we were. We will never get back the years that were lost. The dreams that were shattered will never come to pass. New ones have to be born. The old ones mourned for.

I realize there are good things will come to pass, but right now my world is crashing down and I have to endure it and stand up and walk on.

Nobody wins, but the lawyers!

Hang in there. I'm not at the point you are, so I'll let other offer suggestions.

I know it must be very painful. I know that just being separated is.

Good luck and don't give up on yourself.

We are still squabbling over my property and the equity in the house.

Mine is FAR from amicable as she thinks just because she is the woman, she is ENTITLED to everything.

Even though she threw me out when I caught HER in an affair.

I am doing my own divorce with a program so a lawyer is not even winning on this one.

Pariah....sounds like the lawyer will win in your sitch. Do you have any proof of her affair? I hear that goes a long way in court.

I am feeling better than the other day, but this is an emotional roller coaster...one I do not wish to be on. It helps tremendously to be able to communicate with others in a similar situation.

Like I learned to do here.

Snoop, snoop , snoop.

Yeah, I gots loads of proof and OMW gave me plenty too!

I had her phone text messages forewarded to another phone, I got into the phone bill account online, I got her password on her phone and made copies of EVERYTHING.

The recorder in the car tipped the scales for me and put me at the point of no return when I got her plotting my demise the day before I got shot.

I feel nothing but contempt for her and am willing for us to go to the bottom burning, rather than her get ANYTHING.

You're right. Nobody wins and you'll never be the same. That doesn't mean that you can't be happy again. It will just be different. Sometimes in a long tough divorce there is a sense of freedom just to have it over with. That was my case, but I remember your feelings from earlier in my divorce. I am happier now than I ever have been. I still would not have chosen this path if given a choice, but I now wouldn't go back to XWH either. Take time to forgive yourself and have hope for the future.

Thank you fbwidow for the words of hope. I am having a hard time forgiving myself. And a hard time letting go of what could have been. If I want to head forward I will have to let it go though. I want to live a full life and do the best I can. Won't go back...standing still takes you back...so forward I will go.

Pariah...I am sorry you are in so much pain. I know what anger can do. I have experienced it and watched it ruin the lives of my loved ones. Let her do the burning if she wishes. There can be much better ahead for you....with no flames included. I see it this way. At least you have proof. I have only lies and actions that are lied about some more. I sometimes wish there was more proof so I would feel like I was crazy or making it up. When you know what you got you know how far away you need to be.