I came to post here because I am at my wits end about what to do about my children. All 4 of them have at one time or another have cheated on their spouses.

Daughter #1- Left her husband in 2000 and divorced him. Now married to the man she has the affair with with.

Son #1- Cheated on his wife in 1999 while she was pregnant and she cheated on him in 2004. They are still married but plan to divorce this summer. Their parting is amicable and currently there is no third party in the marriage.

Daughter #2- She told me yesterday that she has been having an affair with her first love since November and that she is leaving her husband and filing for a divorce and begged me to be happy for her.

Son #2- Cheated on his now ex wife with a woman at work in 2005. Says he married too young and is now dating a whole slew of different women.

All I can think to myself is where did my husband and I go wrong?? I tried to get my daughter to come to this site to try and save her marriage but she has made up her mind. Her husband wants to try and reconcile but she is not willing.

Does anyone have any advice on how to talk some sense into my daughter?? I am desperate.

If it were my DD, I would expose the affair and help her H defend himself and his children from her filthy behavior. Hopefully, you let her know in NO uncertain terms how absolutely disgusted you are and that she can never ever darken your doorstep with this sleazebag.

Have you informed her H about her affair?


How could any loving parent be "happy" for their child when she is destroying herself and her children and her husband? That is not love, that is ENABLING.

Sorry you are having to endure this, cm.

Her husband does know about the affair. She confessed to him and then she moved out and in with her brother (son #2). She does not have any children thank goodness. I just don't want her to regret leaving her marriage and not giving it a chance. I am embarrassed to say this but she is practically still a newly wed. She has only been married a 1 1/2 years. She told me she was on the rebound when she met her husband.

I don't know what to do with that girl. The affair has been exposed but she does not really seem to care what people think. She is acting a lot like son #2 when his affair was exposed.

I am also upset with my husband. He says she is our daughter and its her life and we need to support whatever decision she makes because she knows more than anyone what will make her happy. I wanted to scream. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

p.s. you can't talk any sense to someone who in the thrall of an affair. Impossible. But you can put pressure on her affair, which has a 95% chance of failing anyway. Affairs rarely last long because they are based on fraud and deceit. They thrive on secrecy and when exposed, they don't last too long.

You CAN let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you are digusted, disappointed and do not support adultery. Tell her she can't EVER bring this jerk into your home.

I would suggest you even call the OM's mother and dad and tell them the truth. Encourage them to NOT support their son's adultery and let them know you don't support your D's adultery. Tell them how devastating this is to your grandchildren and SIL.

Instead, support their victims, her husband and your grandchildren, and help them defend themselves from her cruelty.

ummmm, I guess you should be grateful she is not a SERIAL KILLER, huh??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Tell your H that unconditional "acceptance" is NOT the same as unconditional "love" and he seems to have the two confused. There is nothing "loving" or "supportive" about helping a child be SELF DESTRUCTIVE and BAD. That is NOT LOVE, that is lazy [censored] ENABLING.

Happiness is the result of BEING GOOD, not acting like an unpaid wh*re. Affairs do not bring happiness.

If your husband condones wrongdoing,["whatever makes you happy"] I am not surprised that your kids feel entitled to have affairs. They feel entitled to do anything as long as it makes them "happy", I suspect. Has he taught them that mindless, self destructive, little philosophy?

His line of thinking is that our 'kids' are adults and we should mind our own business and as long as they are happy that is the important thing. He did not have that attitude while we were raising them. He was more strict than I was.

The OM's parents know about the affair and they have the same attitude as my husband. We have been friends with the "other mans" (it feels really weird calling him that) parents for years. The OM has been best friends with son #1 since they were toddlers. Most everyone seems happy to see them back together imo.

I will try talking some more to my daughter and I will continue to support my son in law.

How very sad to hear of so many apologists for adultery. Dont' let them influence you, concerned mom, because when she WAKES UP [and she will] she will remember who condoned her at HER VERY WORST. And she will not remember them with FONDNESS, but as people who ENABLED her own self destruction. It will not be pretty for your H when she gets older.

Many people commit adultery because they live in sick, dysfunctional, unloving environments where they are surrounded by ppl who don't care and who will turn a BLIND EYE to bad behavior.

She will eventually learn the difference between REAL LOVE and ENABLING even if your H never has.

Stand FIRM against her affair, cm, that is the MOST LOVING thing you can do for your DD. A loving parent supports a child being GOOD, not being BAD.

And please do not allow the OM to darken your doorstep. That would be sending your TACTIC APPROVAL.

Adultery never makes the WS truly happy. The euphoria of the A will wear off and then what? As long as she can get others to enable her selfish attitude, she will continue as a WS, just finding another victim or enabler.

See it isn't just about adultery. It is the selfish spirit prevailing in her soul that is driving her t/d these evil deeds. Left unchecked, it won't stop, it will continue it's destructive path.

So ask your H, at which point will he take a stand against her selfish attitude? How many lives will she have to ruin or hurt before he stands up to her evil ways?

He will not get his daughter back by wishes her success as a WS.

L.

I take it, concerned_mom4, that Jesus Christ plays no part in your life or the lives of your children. If not, then why exactly are you surprised or distress that they have accepted a "humanistic worldview" and consider "self-centeredness" to be their "highest order?"

If you are truly desperate, have you considered what acceptance or rejection of Jesus Christ leads to? Have you thought about discussing that with your children?

It is NEVER too late for someone to surrender their life to Christ and become a "new creation" in Christ, a servant of the Living God.

Or are you merely looking for some "magic bullet" that will get them to be not so "self-centered" and to do what you, not they, think is "right?"

FH... just because someone does not have JC in their lives does not mean they shouldn't be surprised at these things. Every non Christian out there does not take a worldview. You make a lot of assumptions about people and their faith... or lack of it.

FH... I do not doubt your faith... but I can tell you that if I were not a Christian, your approach would turn me AWAY from God... not help bring me closer to Him.

Concerned Mom... Melody Lane has given you great advice here. I would take it to heart... your integrity is non negotiable.

MEDC

mkeverydaycnt,

As an atheist and a BS who was sickened by the "whatever makes them happy" comment of concerned_mom4's husband, you are right that posts like FH's make me very glad that I am not a Christian.

It is all about social conditioning and not about you or your husband although he shows signs of that same social conditioning in that he is enabling your daughter's entitlement.

Affairs are epidemic. And the level of human misery that is part of that epidemic is at what is probably the highest level in our history as a society. You didn't do anything wrong MOM, but your husband is enabling. Feel good by doing the WRONG thing instead of the RIGHT thing is how people screw up their lives.

Larry

BINGO! This was the most impactful lesson I ever learned in my life: happiness is the result of BEING GOOD, not bad.

Being BAD does not bring happiness. It is the same as stealing a candy bar from the store. It brings fleeting happiness until your conscience kicks in, the cops toss you in jail and your name is printed in the paper! Affairs NEVER bring happiness.

You know it's Bible beaters like you that really give Christianity a bad name. I am a Christian and reading a post like yours turns my stomach.

For the other posters thanks for the feedback. I will continue to talk with my daughter and let her know how upset I am with the decisions she has made. I talked with my husband again and he said that he feels very bad for our son in law but that it's better he finds out now rather than later. He went on to say how our daughter and OM have loved each other for years but the timing was always wrong and that they are meant for each other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I reminded him that she took vows and he replied that she made a mistake. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Hearing him talk like that left me speechless and I have my work cut out for me.

I don't know how my daughter is going to face the consequences of her actions if she is getting nothing but support from her siblings and dad.

This is true. It is better he find out that your DD has no respect for marriage NOW before they have kids. This might be a blessing for your SIL, I am sorry to say.

And at least her OM knows going in that she is not faithful so he won't be shocked when this happens again. But he volunteered for that.

Melody,

What upsets me to no end besides my daughters total disregard for her marriage vows is that my SIL is being treated like he is expendible. He is a good man and does not deserve what my daughter did to him. Even now he is willing to try and make the marriage work after being sh** on. I hope he finds someone that will treat him with respect and love him the way he deserves to be loved.

My husband thinks that if she stays with her husband she will be in a loveless marriage and be miserable. I did notice a change in my daughter when OM came back into her life last year. She seemed happy and content before that. All I can do is shake my head.

Another thing that upsets me is that her siblings knew she was having an affair from the very beginning and did NOTHING to stop it. Being cheaters themselves I guess I should not expect too much but all of them know the fall out and the pain that results from an affair. They could have at least discouraged her. Son #2 covered for her on multiple occassions. This whole thing is making me sick.

you said that your first child had an A in 2000 and is now married to his affair partner.

how long have they been married?

they seem to be in the very small percent of A marraiges that survive.

it's hard for your other children to view an A as wrong if they see one that has been "successful" in bringing happiness to the A partners (happiness as they "define it")

how very sad this situation is for your entire family

eav,

My oldest child has been married to her husband for 5 years next month. They have had their problems but overall they do seem to be very happy together. Both are now on friendly terms with their exes and have been able to co-parent successfully. I think time made that possible.