(((CM_4)))
Welcome to MB and this forum!
Wow, that all sucks!!! I feel deeply sad for you. The upside here, is you have come to the right place. You are not alone in your struggle.
Right now in the moment, hope you can receive our warmest wrap around heartfelt hugs & empathetic supportive concerns!
Your situation is a devastating parental nightmare. And you actually care!!! I applaud you for your heartbeat& heartfelt caring concerns, regarding your adult children's welfare!
I sympathize, as your situational frustrations speak directly to me on a myriad of levels, as I have similar lamenting concerns myself. I have two young adult children, one too, who is a newly wed, & other still fortunately single, which have been both greatly affected by my disturbed xh numerous flagrant infidelities& depraved lifestyle.
My situation has been marred & adversely compounded as a result of by my xh destructive behaviours & other wayward family members. So my children were set up, from day one for martial failures of poor examples.
As a caring parent, my heart desires would be that my children would grow up in an infused atmosphere of love and would experience the benefits of good childhood, and be equipped themselves to form healthy loving marriage bonds, to be enabled to carryon forward to have healthy families.
My background, of growing up in adulterous corrupted family culture, with no moral foundation, guidance of normalcy/decency correctness, made my journey difficult, & thoughts on monogamy challenging.
I married very young, my marriage was a mistake, as my xh pursued me for 4 yrs, on/off dating, pressuring me to get married/have a family.
Marriage/family living were the furthest from my mind, scary, as the impact of my parents terrible role model & other people marriage shammed hypocrisies, made me just cringe.
My xh committing adultery during our living together/engagement period. Pressuring me for marriage. I gave him the opportunity to let me know, if he wasn't getting married for love& the right reasons. Bow out now/let us go….
My ex not telling me about his affairs later a huge turn off. Deceit/Entrapment. Continued to make a lifestyle out of it for 22 yrs, attitude on his part to use the marriage/family as a convenience, in-spite of interventions&, re-interventions.
I was determined to honour my vows learned & develop strong moral family values to make up for my own ignorance & deficits, for my young precious children sake, throughout their young lives.
My attitude has been, I am responsible for bringing our kids safely into this world, raising them right, not perfectly, but right, setting the examples so they can have a fair chance, build on, to create an even better healthy foundation for their own families.
My kids didn't ask to be born, just to be loved, treated respectfully right. I have put my own life on hold as a result for the sake of my children& have been fighting the battle to rebuild from our family anarchy. Standing alone on the home front isn’t easy.
So I feel for you& understand where your hubby's coming from. Can't force someone to love another person or do what's right. Free will involved.
Marriage is complex these days. Especially one, when we live in a strong media driven counter-culture of anti-marriage/family values.
Two, it is too in imho, way to easy to get married, without any type of mandatory screening/preparation criteria. Hence, couples enter through the ceremony of marriage, dv at factory rate. People marry in ignorance.
Lacking knowledge, understanding, respect, of what martial/family exclusive love/commitment is all about. We take yrs of courses, study, pass exams but when it comes to marriage, very little education/prevention/preparation is done in that department. Osmosis doesn’t seem to quite wk.
The easy intergenerational marriage “ hook up” enabling has gone on for generations. Some folks “tweak” on to integrity & commitment fall into suit, others do not. So, it could very well be in your particular situation.
You & your husband may not have contributed to this problem. Not sure of your marital/family dynamics, but other strong factors are at work. And of course your adult children own choices/attitudes, which are their rights & or negative peer related factors influences, plays a hand.
Dealing with adult children is a whole other ball game, as you can’t just pick up your kids, haul them to a counsellor office, & say let’s all get down, talk ourselves down to the raw core issues and work things through. (I have that fantasy all the time.) LOL.
As a bewildered & heartbroken parent as I am, as things of what to do, we can’t change our adult children; do their work for them, though we would, if could cause we love them. Supporting, young adult children from the sidelines is tough. Plenty of parents out there, who are so hard mined, careless, couldn’t give a damn.
I have days I just don’t know what to do next, which hoop to jump through next.
But we can be a pro-active influence to them, take stances, and offer constructive pro-active suggestions things that can be done.
Informing yourself, on the Harley’s articles, listen to Harley Broadcasts, read & interact with the on line posters you are personally comfortable with here, take what you like, discard what you don't. Some people here are very passionate about their beliefs, philosophises, have been very traumatized & victimized by their spouse’s betrayals, come from very diverse backgrounds. Keep that in mind. Learn, grow, and enrich your own marriage at the same time.
Purchase some of their books to give to your children as a gift. Encourage your children to visit this site. Planting some seeds can help, maybe it won’t sprout today, but further down the line.
I am fortunate to have had counselling history with Dr. Harley, though my marriage was beyond repair, as my ex he was too far gone involved with to many women, which he wouldn’t admit too. Wished I would had known about the Harley's yrs earlier, could of saved ourselves a ton of heartache/headaches.
Later, my kids oppositionally, vehemently ignored his Dr. Harley advice to stay away from my xh, as they were enamoured with my xh lifestyle & their own negative peer influences.
My xh tried to explain to my kids, that Dr. Harley was some chump,guy nutbar mom found on the net. It was all a perspective imaging/living different truths. Adultery is good only way to problem solve. Bad mistake on his part.
Which by the way, my kids are seeing more clearly the folly & immaturity of their wayward thinking to gain their de-ranged irrational father’s love/acceptance, warped as it is. He wanted our kids so down to their level for justification purposes. I their mom disagree, got down with them to try to save them from terrible stuff, because I love care for them. Had to take some very strong stances of unacceptable.
As their dad, has pretty much used/abused them, over indulged them, took advantage of them, to make him-self look good & tried to dragged them down to his level & tossed them to the wayside.
I have gone great lengths to seek interventional support for my kids, which they have refused based on nothing seems to ever wk for their dad. Mostly, discouragement on their parts huge let downs they have experienced, the blind eye syndrome.
Encountered a great deal of resistance. Have a good conscience that I have tried my very best to bring sanity/healing to our family dynamics.
Now my kids are far more receptive to contacting Dr. Harley themselves, to come to terms with the truth. They are more fully aware that he can help them repair the severe damages done to them.
It has taken me yrs here of slugging away, reading, presenting facts, shelves with filled with books, sleepless nights, standin up to bad people, intimidations, day/night inconveniences galore, trying to help each of them. Full time career almost.
My daughter is now in a better place, knows she can access Dr. Harley support to wk on her marriage or a good IC/MC to respect the privacy in her marriage.
I don't want to take on an overbearing dogmatic position in their lives & want my children to succeed in their adult lives. As you know life is hard enough. A lot of my personal friends, who have solid marriages/family values, it pains us. When our kids make bad choices, hook up with the wrong crowd, or relationships and have gotten get dragged down. Clean up becomes a big messy puzzle.
So a-lot of good has resulted from my martial sessions in the end, because it can benefit my children, if they choose, to get right, build satisfying marital/family relations.
Another option is to invite your husband to this site, and even possibly set up a telephone counselling session with the Harleys, for a plan to help you as parents married couple, adopt a unified, team together stance approach, of how to handle your adult kids.
Each child is unique/different. They can greatly assist in calibrating/balance your intricate, particular family dynamics/needs/concerns.
Perhaps, your kids would be open to having a three-way telephone counselling call with you.
Hope/Recovery are possible for your family! Best wishes!
Dr. Harley Coaching Contact link.
<a href="Schedulinghttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" target="_blank">Schedulinghttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html</a>
Welcome aboard, looking forward in hearing more from you!
