I am in the military stationed in DC, my husband is retired from the military and living at our home in KY. He wanted to establish himself as a civilian and was not interested in moving to DC. In 2004 he started having an affair with a coworker and I found out about it in 2006. Like everyone else, I didn't have a clue. I have done all the things you shouldn't do and of course, nothing positive has come from it. The OW is 20-years younger with 2 sons (the eldest is 8 and has ADD/ADHD). Except for the eldest son's problem, he has his fantasy family. Everytime I ask him if he wants a divorce, he always says "I don't know." He says he doesn't know if he wants to start all over again and he doesn't know if he can handle her son's problem. This doesn't sound to me like someone who is truly in love. I know my husband, he is not a patient man especially when he does not have control. He has told me many times that her son is totally out of control. The fact that he has not said he wants to end the marriage leads me to believe that we might still have a chance. Without realizing what Plan B was, I went into it last week. He has been having his cake and eating it too. Now I have given him permission to continue and the only stipulation be that he pay more to our debts than he has been. I make more money so I was paying the majority. I get to go home once a month; so when I go home he is to go elsewhere until I leave. I don't call him anymore and for me this is the hardest thing because we used to talk every day. My hope is that by him spending more time with her and the kids he will realize that he doesn't really want that life.

I have read many postings and articles that say exposure of the infidelity is very important. My husband has told me that if I do anything to cause her embarrassment or let the affair be known, our marriage will be ended. He is also stubborn and now that he has made the threat, he won't back down. For the past week; in order to keep my sanity, I have been thinking of different ways to get revenge. I thought about posting a sign in the women's bathroom at her church. Her family is very religious and she is using it to manipulate my husband. I thought about ways I can put the fear of God into my husband. I even thought about making a visit to her mother who was also betrayed infidelity. No one in her family knows my husband is married, they would not accept him if they did. He has told me this himself. Since this affair has been going on for so long, people in Owensboro think they are a couple. This is why he won't take me out to dinner when I come home. How can I expose the affair without him knowing it was me. Is Plan B going to work as long as she is willing to accept the situation as is? I don't even know if she is aware of what is going on. He also told me not to make contact with her again (we emailed each other right after D Day). Won't he want to continue having his cake and eating it too?

My heart is broken and I pray everday for strength to continue being patient. I will not give up until I can walk away knowing I have given my all. [color:"blue"] [/color]

You need to expose ASAP. If you don't expose the A will continue and you will continue to get hurt ...so EXPOSE!!
Is she in the military?

No,she is not in the military and she no longer works for the same campany. Since I'm stationed 600 miles away, it's hard for me to do anything. I can't even find out what church she attends. I'm thinking about giving him until the end of May to see where he is at. If nothing has changed, I'm going to find out where her mother lives and visit her. What do you think?

I think you are giving him too much. When he got out of the military to set up his life he set it up without you. He's created an environment that you're not welcome in, you can't even go to the grocery store holding hands. Given enough time he's going to realize that he made a really bad choice. When you get out of the military you're really not in your right mind but that's no excuse.

Is there any way to get a compassionate reassignment to Kentucky? I know that's probably a long shot though.

How long will you be stationed in DC? Are you close to retirement or are you getting ready to be reassigned somewhere else? If somewhere else, will he be coming with you?

Do you have children? If yes, where are they?

The longer this goes on without people knowing about it, the worse it gets. I know he has told you that if you expose it's over.

What absolutely amazing fog talk. If his WIFE tells everyone that he is having an affair and ruins HER reputation he is going to divorce his WIFE!!!!

I'm sorry to say it but it doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage anyway. Does the OW know that your H is married?

I'm certainly no expert here and Sundays are slow but I say you need to expose. Otherwise there's no reason for him to do anything any differently. He IS cake eating and no one's the wiser.

Do you have friends or family in Kentucky that can do the exposing for you?

We have been married for 18 years and this is the first time. We had a great marriage and it's probably one of the reasons he is so hesitant about ending it. I am a workaholic and made my job a priority. I didn't go home as much as I should have; I didn't protect my marriage. No excuse for an affair, if he was unhappy he should have asked for a divorce first. Up until this happened, he was the most loving man I have ever met. He cannot really love this woman if he is worried about outside influences (i.e. her son). I feel like if given the chance, we can start a new chapter in our marriage.
As far as compassionate reassignment, not justifiable. I am due for rotation this time next year and I requested Syracuse NY because his family is up there and I know he would like to be nearer to them. If things don't work out I guess I'll be shoveling snow solo. I have 2 more tours to complete before I can retire. Our 2 daughters are grown and live in Atlanta. He is very protective of her because she is soooo young and naive and innocent. I have no friends or family in Kentucky and since I know very little about her other than her name and address, I wouldn't even know how to expose the affair.

I don't often recommend this

However, based upon the following facts given:

1. You are remote from your husband
2. A lot of water has already gone under the bridge (the affair is entrenched and everyone thinks they are a couple)
3. Husband has threatened you (which they all do...but with the above facts he may likely punish you for exposing)
4. You've had friendly talk and may be able to "support" him if he doesn't think you did the exposure
5. Recovery is easier if you are seemingly innocent of exposure
6. He's likely NOT filing for divorce for fear by doing so you or somebody MAY expose him (question - does OW know he's still married?)

I would like to consider recommending a third party exposure.

We could devise a exposure letter to OW's parents, brothers, preacher and others, which would be mailed from someone here's out of state post office. Addresses and names could be shared by private email. You must have no affiliation with such state and total deniability. You ACT just as shocked and upset as WH. Then...when the crap hits the fan...you support and "listen" to WH's troubles and actually Plan A him. Offer him a place to escape to (i.e. Washington DC). Confess nothing.

I don't often recommend this, however, 3rd party confrontation worked in my situation. My MIL called OM (who was 750 miles away from our home in my wife's hometown). My MIL KNEW OM because he had dated my wife in high school. She threatened him with prejudice. She made him swear not to disclose such threats and he followed through with immediately ending the affair as directed by MIL. MIL and I kept the secret for a year. My loving wife had no idea that she had done this nor that I knew this had occurred. This fact allowed me to appear innocent and make OM the bad guy. It aided our recovery since the fantasy didn't appear crushed by me/us. It worked.

I believe strongly that you should call Dr. Harley. He IS the professional and a 3rd party exposure may not be the best thing for YOU to do. If, in the end, this marriage doesn't work out...YOU doing your own exposure and being strong enough to do it directly and openly may behoove YOUR recovery. 3rd party is a bit chicken - $hit and conflict avoinding. THOUGH, in fact, YOU are doing it so this may not be the case. The only one who necessarily doesn't need to know it was you is WH....so perhaps this is all OK.

Mr. Wondering

Were you stationed in Kentucky before DC?

Do you know anyone there? Is it possible to have a friend or family member go there and get info for you?

Do you have the means to hire a private detective to get the info for you?

As for her being young and naive......... does she know he is a married man?

I'm grasping at straws as I am sure you are.

That's a great idea! Yes, she does know about me. I know her name her address an her place of employment but I don't know anything else. Can anyone suggest a good online agency where I could get information like her maiden name and such? She has lots of family in Owensboro.

I am almost tempted to find out her mother's name/address so I can visit her because she is very very religious and was left by her husband for the same reason. I know that is being dirty and it might backfire but if I don't have anything else to lose I might take that chance. I am going to give my husband a couple of weeks under this Plan B and see if there is any change.

Thanks!

From what I understand, www.netdetective.com has been successful for quite a few here...You might also try www.zabasearch.com and/or www.intellius.com

Exposure is not playing dirty at all...It is doing what you can to protect yourself and your marriage...It also protects your spouse from self destruction...It is the "good fight"...Very noble indeed...

Mrs. W