I have been lurking around here and now I want to tell my story and maybe get some advices.

My husband and I met in 1994, started dating in 1996 and married in the summer of 2001, no children but we were planning for a family.

In October 2006 he told me that he had met someone else and he wanted to move out. The affair had been going on just for a few weeks. He told me that it was over between us. Our relationship had not been good during the summer and I understand now that he was not happy at that time. He left the house, first went to stay with a friend and later to a furnished room. When I tried to talk to him he behaved as if he vas mad, he refused to see anything strange in his behaviour and the only reason he could give me was that he was in love with OW. In January he told me he wanted a divorce but he has not taken any steps for that.

It turned out that OW was married with children. Her husband did not know about the affair from the start but he found out in December. OW then told her husband that she wanted a divorce but later she changed her mind. Regardless of that she continued seeing my husband and told him that she loved him and wanted to live with him. I know this since he has told me about it. Now my husband has broken contact with OW, not because he wants to recover our relationship but since he is "tired of waiting for something that will never happen" i.e. OW leaving her husband.

I have been in some kind of plan A since January. Before that I was just too upset to do anything like that. Yesterday I talked to my husband and we had a long conversation about our feelings. I told him that I love him and want us to build a happy life together. I told him that I am not angry at him for what he has done and that is the truth. My philosophy is that everything in my life, even bad things, has made me who I am and I learn from all that happens and become a better person. If we would recovery our relationship I am convinced that we have both learned a lesson from the affair and that we will be able to build a better marriage where we value and care for each other more.

Anyway, he told me that he thinks I am a very attractive woman, that I have all the qualities he wants and that he has "love" feeling for me BUT he does not trust himself. He said that he does not know what would happen if OW would tell him that she has left her husband. I had been thinking a lot the days before this and I told him that although I love him I can't go on like this forever, eventually I will have to move on and when I do, he will not see me again. I also said to him that I can't take it personal that he has chosen OW over me, I know that all in all I am a great person (and she is a cheating liar although I did not say that to him). I told him that if she is such a fantastic person, I think he should see her (I am sure that she will not leave her husband and I think he is not going to see her again). When I was leaving he wanted to hug me and I said no. He had asked me to come for dinner tomorrow but I told him that I am not coming.

I know that this is neither plan A nor plan B but my hope is that he will understand that he will loose me unless he changes his behaviour. My friends have told me things like "if you move on he will come after" and "let him miss you, then he will want to kiss you". My idea for now is to play it cool and let him realize what he is about to loose.

Read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson.

"I told him that I am not angry at him for what he has done and that is the truth. My philosophy is that everything in my life, even bad things, has made me who I am and I learn from all that happens and become a better person."

Wow, that may sound like a good philosophy, but it's hard to believe that you are not angry at him.

What were some of the things that caused problems in the marriage last summer?

Thank you for your replies.

believer: We were planning for big changes in our life, we were moving to a new house and as it turned out I was making all the decisions. He felt left out and I was spending all my time on the new house. When we have been talking he has said that we did not have any joy in our life. He started talking to the OW who was also not satisfied with her marriage. That part is pretty much standard script for affairs I guess.

And yes, I am upset with him but not primarily for what he has done. I have been very angry about that but it has kind of passed. As I wrote I have gone through bad times, my mother fell ill when I was just 12 and I had many tough years but I see that as something which has made me appreciate my life and my family more. I think that what I need is for him to tell me that he is sorry, that he has made a terrible mistake and also that he thinks I am the best person he can possibly build a relationship with.

I talked to a friend today and she thinks that he will eventually realize that he has acted stupidly. I told her that I have packed a box with some of his stuff (letters, notes etc) and that I will bring it to his room tomorrow, leave it outside the door and send him a TM and tell him to look outside the door. She suggested that I should find a story about a couple who has recovered from an affair and put a printout in the box so he can read it. Is it bad to leave the box at his room like that? Do you have any success story I can give to him?

What is the best I can do now? I am thinking about what he told me last night and what he has been telling me before. He seems to be honestly sorry for hurting me. He cries a lot when we talk about what has happened and tells me that he does not want to hurt me more than he already has.

When we spend time together we "connect" and I really think we could be happy together again. He tells me that I am his best friend and that when he looks at me he "sees the woman he has loved so much for so long". I feel that part of him wants to recover our relationship and part of him is still dreaming about OW.

Read all about Plan A, and stay in it. I wouldn't try to leave him articles about marriages that have survived affairs. He won't be all that interested.

Instead, invite him to do something fun with you. If he refuses, go alone, and take pictures to share with him.

It only takes about 3 weeks of no contact with the other person for the affairee to start waking up from the fog.

He wants to see me. Yesterday he even said that he is trying to find his way back to me (as in recovering our relationship) but that it can take some time. And he says he is not sure what he would do if OW would leave her husband and want to start the affair again.

But I want him to grasp the idea that he will not see me anymore if he does not commit to our marriage. That is the reason I told him yesterday that I can not go on like this forever and that I am not coming for dinner tomorrow. I actually think he will call me by the end of this week and want to see me. I will do that and I will not bring up any relation talk, just enjoy our time together.

That was right, I can add that they have had no contact for almost one month. But he still says that he is not sure of himself, he says there was a reason that he did what he did and he does not want to do it again and hurt me once more.

That is the "good" reason that he does not want to recover our relationship. The "bad" reason would be that he still hopes that OW will leave her husband and is only keeping me as a reserve in case that does not happen. I don't know which is the real reason, maybe it is a mix.

As I was planning, I brought a box with his stuff over to his room yesterday. I did not leave any "success story" with it but I left a letter saying:
"You have always been the wisest, most honest and considerate person I can imagine. I believe that you still are like that and I love you for that. I believe we can love each other again and be happy together. But if you don't believe in that I have to stop loving you. It would hurt me tremendously to not see you again. Is that what you want?"

I am not going into plan B but I want him to understand that there is a limit to how much I can do for our marriage if he does not contribute. I expect to hear from him today, if he wants to see me I will do that.

People that are not angry for these types of offenses worry me.
Right now you WH is not "honest and considerate." In fact he is a home wrecking liar that has risked not only your relationship... but has tremendously harmed another family. That does not deserve accolades.
He is cake eating and frankly has made it clear that you are not his first choice...his reason about not coming back because he doesn't want to hurt you again is hogwash....he just hasn't given up his ho at this point.
Many of us have been there and I am sorry for your pain...but I think that you are being played here.

MEDC

mkeverydaycnt: Thank you for your reply. As I wrote, I have been very angry but I think that it will not lead to any good if I go around being angry for what has happened. That is history now, I want to think about the future.

I know that he is not being honest and considerate but I wrote the letter for two reasons. I wanted to tell him nice things (as in plan A) and I wanted him to feel that he can be honest and considerate again. He is aware that he has behaved like a scumbag. Will it lead to any good to make him feel like one?

He is cake eating only since I let him. I am well aware that he has chosen OW but I think that he was very confused at that time. I think he still is, my reason to believe that is that he does not see through all her lies.

What would you suggest me to do?

I would suggest moving into a dark Plan B very soon.

OK, now believer has told me to stay in plan A and mkeverydaycnt has told me to go to plan B.

Just for the record I think it would have been worse if WH would have stayed at home and lied to me for half a year.

Believer is right... IF his contact with the OW has ended at this point, I would agree with her...if he rekindles it or it really hasn't stopped... I would go plan B. But I re read your sitch and agree with B.

mkeverydaycnt: Do you think he is still seeing OW? My impression is that he is not seeing her but he probably dreams about her at night.

During the affair he has lied to me at two occasions and I was able to tell both time that he was not telling the truth (I have been spying and double checking his story so I am quite sure he did not lie otherwise).

yes, I do think it is likely that he is still seeing her.... or will again very soon. It is sad, but at this point, it all depends on the OW desires... your H has made it clear how he feels.

OK, I will do my best to check on that. I have been in touch with her husband and we have checked her schedule verses my husbands.

Last time I spoke to OWH we said that we would not talk again (unless the affair would continue). I don't want to call him unless I have very strong reasons to believe that they are seeing each other. I will spy and use all my cunning to find out the truth before I call him.

If WH has lied to me and is still seeing OW I agree with you. In that case he has lied to me and I will be very angry with him. How long do you think I should spy to be sure that they are not seeing each other?

They can hide contact for awhile. But if you do some good checking, you will catch it.

I would continue Plan A, which would include having dinner with him. You want to make coming back to you an attractive alternative.

When I got home I found a letter in the mail box which WH had put there earlier today. It said:
"It would hurt me very much if I can't see you anymore. I understand that it can't go on like this and I don't have any straight answer to give you today, only a mishmash of thoughts. This can't go on but I will try to straighten it out in the near future and give you the straight answer you deserve. You are a wonderful person!"

I called him and we talked for a while. He said that he can't sleep at night and that he is a state of confusion. I asked him if he wanted to invite me to dinner and he said yes, of course, but I thought you did not want to come? We arranged for dinner on Friday.

My plan for now will be to believe what I see and not what I hear and to plan A with the attitude that WH does not have a fully functioning brain.

This is very easy to handle. Get rid of all her contact info, her number, her email address, all signs of OW from your WH's possession, and make him change his phone number, email address, and anything that she could use to track him down (get an unlisted phone number, etc.) That way, if she ever did leave her H, he would have no way of knowing. Tell OWH to do the same. Make this a condition of him returning. Right now he has lost OW and he is afraid to lose you too. Most WS are AFRAID AS H*LL of being alone. That is why they jump from one relationship to the next while they are STILL married. Make him afraid of losing you, and he will reluctantly agree to whatever you want. Be calm and confident and clearly outline your boundaries. I would not call him or initiate any contact. Rather, let him come to you. Keep him guessing