FWH feels that my time spent here on MB is "fueling the fire."

Hmmm ... on the one hand, I think,maybe he's right. Geez, the time I spend reading, posting. Maybe it does affect my psyche more than I think. Every time I read a newcomer with their story, it seems I live mine all over again.

On the other hand, I wonder if FWH isn't just back to his old manipulation tactics again, trying to control me, not wanting me to get support. He says that on the days I'm on here a lot, I'm in a worse mood than the days I'm not. He knows because he peruses MB almost everyday, but posts very little. He's agreed not to do that anymore. I didn't mind him reading, but I didn't invite him on here to just read what I'm posting. That wasn't the point. And it sort of became weird. I would post things, how I felt, what I was going through that day; he would read it at work. Then he'd come home and not really mention it. I don't know, it sort of became a weird thing for me.

Hi rlt:

My husband (Messdup) does that too. He reads what I write here, and rarely mentions it at home.

On one hand, it's good that he's interested in what's going on in my head.

On the other hand, why doesn't he just ask me?

MB is not a good substitute for conversation. But it's a good conversation starter!

Hi Messdup! Hi FWHofRLT!
<waving>
Watcha think?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

~Saturn

rltraveled, the first year of recovery is pretty intense for a BS, and you may need the support of this forum. I know that it was my lifeline. I know that my H had a tendency to blame each and every bad mood on Marriage Builders, when it was really just the opposite. My bad moods were caused by the wounds inflicted by his affair and MB helped me manage my grief and rage. It would have been much worse and would have probably destroyed our marriage if I did not recieve guidance frm this forum.

So while you shouldn't be spending hours on end on this forum to the degree that it interferes in your marriage, you shouldn't STOP spending time here at a critical time in your recovery when you need it most.

SR, I agree that MB could make for a good conversation starter, but when I know he is reading, and doesn't say anything, it sort of makes me feel "brushed aside." He won't want to go there, so he just ignores it. He is a great CA.

Melody, you know, I said the same thing to FWH. My bad moods AREN'T due to the fact that I spent time on MB (Moron!, I didn't say that). They're due to the fact that you poured gasoline all around your home, your family, kids, finances ... then you threw a match on it!!!

Rage. Grief? Do ya' think?

I also agree that, without MB, my marriage would have been disolved right about now.

Ha, I'm the FWW and my FBS thinks the same thing. He thinks it makes me come up with problems that aren't really there.

Well...I think like everything else, moderation.

I know that I wouldn't be where I am recovery wise if I hadn't been here but I do see how it can be overdone. I do know that being around so much of BSs pain got me stuck in being unable to forgive myself.

But I've made great friends and learned things that I don't think years of therapy would've given me.

So, I think it's all perspective.

Oh and I did want to say, my H reads my posts off and on. He read every one for a while but I don't think he has recently. He never talked about it but things he would say would give him away. I never made it an issue. IMO, I was glad he was seeing what I was feeling/thinking and that maybe it would help us. I don't think he ever really got upset about anything I wrote or if he did, he never said anything. A lot of men, in general, shy away from the emo stuff and this gives them a way to get what's going on with us in a "safe zone."

I find that I only become angry after being on the boards, when others recognize injustice in what I have written and point it out to me.

Example, WH kept taking his cell phone EVERYWHERE with him, like a [email]d@mned[/email] appendage. MB called me on this, saying that he was hiding. I felt awkward about it, too, but didn't know what to do. You guys helped me find a way to discuss this with WH and not incite an outrageous fight (which I would have without these boards).

If nothing is wrong, and we are talking, and things are out in the open, then MB isnt' the cause for anything. NOW, if I post because I am feeling a bit off about something, and you guys eek out of me what the real problem is, and then I take it to the source and question the WS, then *I* take responsibility. MB doesn't incite me, it opens my eyes. There's a HUGE difference.

I don't project what I read about others onto my WS, because I can separate the two.

Without MB, I would have LB'd until the very end. I would have lost it, done very stupid things.

Now, MB is no substitute for speaking up and talking, face to face with your spouse, but it can be a springboard.

RL,

Since I have been on these boards I can't think of too much bad advice I have received if any. Usually the advice I get is pretty darn good.

When I have been out of line, or possibly wrong, which might have happened once or twice I get called on it. Emotions run wild and I have been called out for DJ's or LB's.

I would say in some cases the advice may be a little biased toward a BS.

With that disclaimer in place.

Your WH may be a little upset that the normal FWS babble is not working because you come here and verify and ask for advice.

Then someone steps up and says "NO RL you are right in this he should....."

Like SL said.

So by coming here and posting your H has to go about the post A stuff the hard way. The way that will not be sweeping it under the rug.

I know my FWW hated this board. LOL.

lol, I just thought of something in regards to this issue. I have been in AA for 22 years and historically, we HATE Alanon and resent our spouse's attendance. [until we are well into recovery and then we don't care]

Ya know why? Because Alanon makes them privy to all our little manipulation tactics. We get away with NOTHING once our spouse is "ruined" by alanon! They have ruined some of the best rackets we had going. Our spouse is impossible to manipulate once they are "ruined" by Alanon!

It is the same with Marriage Builders. The BS is much harder to manipulate when they are coming here, because older members KNOW and recognize WS tactics.

I draw this analogy because a wayward mind is EXACTLY like an alcoholic mind. EXACTLY. Cunning and devious. Which is why I relate to and understand the WS thinking so much more than the BS'.

So, a WS who resents the time spent on MB may just be resentful that MB has ruined his ability to con and manipulate his spouse. That is something that should be strongly considered, especially with a WS who is not far into recovery.

When I first started posting on MB, my WW figured I was just here bashing her and would get upset.
I really didn't understand why she would get so upset by me visiting this site. It really bugged her when I would sit there and type in front of her. I told her that out of respect that I wouldn't post in front of her.
I couldn't understand why it bothered her that I was seeking help dealing with her betrayal or to just basically strengthen our marriage. I don't get it.

RB, I don't get it, either.

Do you know, when he is home in the evening, I don't post. I don't even like to read. He makes me feel like I'm doing something WRONG. He constantly looks over my shoulder. Honest to God, he makes ME feel like I'M A CHEATER, or something like that. I dunno, it's just weird. And he gets to making me feel guilty about it.

Very strange ...

I know. It's like "Excuse me for trying to get some help here".
She has gotten better at it. I know she reads my posts sometimes and that's o.k. She's even posted a couple of times.
I think a lot of me being here and asking questions is because she won't talk much about the affairs or her feelings. I need to talk to someone.

RL and RB,

I went through the same thing.

Think of it from their side as well.

They probably think you are talking smack about them.

I think Mel articulated what I was trying to say a little better.

What the FWS/WS need to understand is that The Pro's also know when the BS is full of BS. LOL.

So the advice goes both ways. Right.

I know in my FWW's case she thought everyone here were bitter people with an axe to grind with FWS.

Now I think in my early days here I had a lot of FWS posting to me. Don't remember.

I also had some issues with AA which if I remember correctly Mel posted to me about. When I say posted I mean she took a 2x4 to me.

That was to my M's benefit and my FWW's benefit. So she wasn't too happy about me being here but really it helped both of us.

You know, Mr. W and I have been so helped by reading and posting on MB...We have so much gratitude for this place, that it's hard to express...I guess that's why we stick around to try and give something back...

It also helps to keep us on the right marital track...It even serves as some of our recreational companionship by giving us even more common ground...Further it allows us to discuss situations in the third person which is often less intimidating than beginning to discuss them outright in our own lives; doing it this way leads to solutions for US...It's a nice arrangement and I often wonder why more couples don't post...

I will be honest and say that sometimes it is hard for me to continue to post here...Here I do carry the label "FWS" which really is the "bad guy"...It's difficult to be the "bad guy" to Mr. W's "hero" sometimes...We just had a discussion about it last week...I'm torn...Mr. W reminds me that I too am now a "hero" because I turned from my sin and returned to our marriage-I sure don't feel like any kind of "hero"...When I read all the destruction that goes on here daily and I KNOW that I too did many of the things that I read, it can be hard to reconcile...But then I flip back and think, that BECAUSE I once did that and have come out on the other side, that it is my duty to try and help as I was helped...It's confusing...

I also agree with Mel that many times when a FWS doest protest too much it is because they don't like dealing with someone who knows to call them on their bullsh*t...

Mrs. W

When asked about MB, I told my WH that the people here have real life experience with this head on collision. They know when *I* am trying to get away with something, due to my anger and resentment. I told my H that the people here are advising on how *I* can help myself to heal and to be a productive member of our marriage.

I also said that I have never posted and someone has BASHED him, but that people here do point out when things that he has done are red flags. I also made him aware that MB does not supercede my decision making, but they do help me to be clear before I proceed in such a huge endeavor.

I think the only time I would understand a spouses concern of too much MB, is when it IS interferring with recovery, or has become more important.

I just came off being with my FWH (I have chosen to be optimistic in referring to him as a Former and not current, as I will prolly never really know the truth and being positive is good for my soul) 24/7 on the truck. Yes, I kissed the living room floor upon return !

Since we are together sooooo much, I use the topic of MB when I want to see his reaction to something, try to draw stuff out of him... works for me - usually...

Working the plans here has helped me/our relationship tremendously.. I am a changed wife. And, of course I do not really want FWH to know that I was working plans designed here. As a FWS... in the biggest way - he just assummed, somewhat correctly, that I saw the light finally and he is just too darn good to lose - Plan A !!!

Anyway ~ just last week, talking about affairs and such from the board, I accidently mentioned that she was in Plan A -- he goes - what plan ??? yikes, oh great ... I am thinking... so I countered with * oh Plan A is Plan A**hole... the betrayed just starts to act like a real jerk, like they are acting !!!! * He bought it and I quickly changed the subject.... too funny... completely changed Plan A ...

Dear rlt (and SR <waving back>):



I actually mentioned something like this to Saturn recently. We had given the whole MB thing a break for about a month so we wouldn't bog ourselves down so much in the negative and just try to bring a little more fun into our lives during a difficult time. I noticed a change in her when she began visiting the board again and mentioned it to her.

It seems to me that whenever Saturn's memories of my infidelity are triggered, be it here on MB or in a passing conversation (as was the case last night), she goes to a "dark place" and rehashes the details and tries to figure things out. She seems to get in a mood not unlike what your husband seems to be describing here. However, from what I understand, this is all part of the healing process. Where I feel this becomes less productive is when the same things get brought up again and again and again. This happened in our home last night.

Saturn asked me if I loved the OW (with whom I had a week-long A about 17 years ago and just told Saturn about it last summer). I told her, again, that no I didn't love the OW. She doesn't believe me. I realize that the trust has been broken, but I was honest enough to tell her about the A, I think I should be considered honest enough to tell her the truth about my feelings as well.

I guess I fall into the common trap where the WS, once having revealed the A, just wants to move in a positive direction and leave the past in the past. I, for one, have lived with the guilt of the A for many years and each time I discuss it, it's like opening a wound again. I can only imagine how Saturn feels though. Her wound is still fresh. Mine had been festering for years and I've been looking forward to the possibility of it finally healing. I guess this is what I get for ever having the A in the first place. So I guess I have no room for complaints.

Well, now that I've digressed into my own little soliloquy, getting back to your original statements, I think I can relate to your H. Like me, he wants to move forward, too. He is supportive of you in the sense that you're getting help for this issue but hopes (just like any other male idiot, myself included) that his W can heal quickly so you can move on with the rest of your lives together. When you get involved with MB (which is not a bad thing), you get in a different frame of mind; perhaps not one that your H might associate with moving forward, even though it is, in all likelihood, exactly that.

I pray for your mutual patience throughout this ordeal. I pray for mine and Saturn's as well.

MU

MU,

Wait a minute -- your A was 17 years ago?? Is that right? And you're just now dealing with it?

Yes. Thus my screen name. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Something I haven't seen addressed yet is this so I'll offer it up.

Every time I see this issue come up I wonder what a person who might be obsessing would do if they were NOT at MB.

Let's just ASSUME that as a new BS you WILL be obsessing.

Personally I prefer to do it in a place where I have knowledgable skilled people who have successfully navigated the same waters to offer accountability rather than go obsess in the dark by myself or obsess with people who will feed my DJ's and suspicions just because they don't know what else to do and don't want to upset me.

My observation is that it isn't a question of WHETHER a person will obsess..it's where and how.