HI

I recently wrote a post about my H. FWW now XWS has been cake eating, but feels that he has tried his best at making it work. Then, BLAH BLAH BLAH (feel free to insert any argument here that would help you relate) Says to me last Thursday that he doesn't care about me at all. I say then you need to get your stuff and leave. H leaves and doesn't make contact for days. He shows up at my sons baseball game tonight. We have a few awkward words about children and he take smy daughter to go play. When the game ends he hangs out and talks with our friends.



THEN here is the kicker: tells us that he is coming home. I don't know how to reply. I don't know his intentions. H comes home kisses the kids good night. Eats the leftovers that I made and says not a word to me. I ask why he is there and his response is:

1. it is my house.
2. I am tired
3. the kids asked me to come


AGGGH! I had no clue what to do. Now we have had a looooong discussion / argument. He is now alseep in bed next to me. What to do?

I guess i really am awful with plan B- I must not be strong enough. I will never get what I need.


HEEEEEELLLLLP!

What were your Plan B conditions? Did he meet them in order to come home?

In order to even talk to you, he needed to agree to your Plan B conditions. Sounds like you did not have clear conditions. If you did, and he attempted to talk to you or come to the house, the FIRST THING you would have asked would have been if he was willing to meet your conditions.

I suggst you re-write your Plan B letter with VERY CLEAR CONDITIONS. These are your boundaries. Do not communicate or talk to him until he has agreed.

Go darker on your Plan B. It didn't work this time around, and now you have to start over....

That's YOUR bed. It became YOURS when he left. Not ours, YOURS.

How dare he think he can waltz in. Show him to the couch and if he fusses, the front door and if he gets billigerent (sp??) dial x911. Domestic violence don't only require physical abuse. If you tell the police your H is a WS due to an A and is trying to force his way back in your home while still acting like a WS, .....let them know you don't feel safe. He may tell you he is leaving, he should and you should let him. Otherwise the recovery won't be pretty.

JMHO,
L.

Plan?

I have had zero plan since he left last thursday. I had no idea what to do next. i wasn't sure that plan b was what I was supposed to do. I and have no plan. I need help! have been writing in every day here, but didn't get any response on what to do. I have been to a million websites and have found no ideas.

Now H is being a pain and I am having trouble deciding how to deal with it- I.E. home for the comforts but not for the change and is very negative about everything. He constantly is telling me why I have ruined us!!!

H is in the shower now! Any quick responses would be great!

Go back and read your threads again. Lots of info was given.

1. be safe
2. be happy
3. identify your personal and M boundaries
4. implement them
5. secure your finances
6. secure child custody and support
7. work to get your mind and heart in sync.

If he demands t/b in the house and you don't feel safe, dial 911. I am thinking he isn't that stupid but who knows?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Mine called 911 to report ME being ballistic. When the police arrived (4 sheriff deputies - all big guys), what did they find? A raging WS. He even cussed out the police.... you just don't do that. I had to watch them cuff him as he is attempting to explain how it is all MY fault. I will tell you it made me shake out of fear and cry out of pain.

The officer completely understood. That WS plan backfired big time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I didn't need to do much. Just let the police hear him being abusive. They filed the RO charges against him and they took him away because of what they witnessed him doing to myself and our home. Good thing our son was in school. Whew!!

Remember trust and care is important. He s/b able to give that to you because each family member deserves it and s/b giving it.

Play no favorites. This is not about you demanding what you want, this is about what is fair for the entire family. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

His response would be fair- nothing is fair in this marraige.

I need help writing some limits. I don't know where to start:

I know I need to stop feeling like a doormat, but my brain is not fuctioning.

cfc
I read some of your other posts...and of course I have multitude of opinions on your situations....

which may or may not be on...

First off my advice is for you to be much much more still than you are being...

I read your posts...and pressure to fix this whole ball of wax seems to be oooozing from you...

I am concerned that you are on a relentless mission and pursuit of getting over this....and that you are sabotaging the recovery of this affair on many levels....

You have to be a lot more still...all the stressor and money and housekeeping issues...etc....

you need to refocus your attitude and seek God's grace in prayer....

yeah I know easily said huh?

BUT

you want this fixed now...and dammit there are some things that he CAN'T fix...

some because he can not change...
and
some because the answers you are getting you don't like...
so you keep forcing others till you get one you believe you will like....

he knee jerks responses...defeated that nothing he does is good enough....

the housekeeping...get over it...how ever it takes to adjust that stressor off your list do it...

I find that the more grateful I am about the silly mess my house becomes....the less it stresses me out...

I am grateful I don't live in Darfur and there for no matter how big the laundry...no matter how messy the kitchen no matter how overwhelmed I am....I give thanks that I don't live in Darfur....and so I offer cleaning up the crap I don't want to clean up as a sacrifice of thanks...and pray for those that would give their lives literrally to be overwhelmed by muddy laundry...

THIS shift in MY attitude changes EVERYTHING and lightens the burdon when I want to carry around the mantra of how hard it is to do all the tasks it takes to run a home and tend to children...

there is no blame...only thanks.....

IF you are in school and it is stressing you out to the point that it causes you to carry grief in to your marriage...

drop out...
period...
it's not worth it....though again I suggest that you see school as a gift...of great value and worth....and not a burdon...

I also suggest you accept the fact that your husband was able to participate in affair activities because like all humans able to do this...the junkie mind...can seperate, rationalize and justify....

all of our brains can and will rationalize things to survive...
your husband brain is like all other brains...

which is not to say that all people will have an affair...
but as harley says...the wiring and potential is there chemically...

I read the letter you wrote....
I found it depressing...
I thought that if I were your husband I would think I could never ever fix things for you...

I found it without hope...

(that is my opinion...and not fact by any length...)

putting more limits on your husband in my opinion will continue to overwhelm him and he will withdrawal more...

cfc my opinon is that you have to lighten way way way up

that you have change some of your expectations..
OR
not have expectations....cause I think you have the bar set way too high for satisfaction....

and he is doomed to fail you....

your letter was confusing...
You shouldn't try to stay with me..I deserve to be love...

that is not a hopeful sentiment...it is depressing and full of gloom...

I think you should be still
I think you should happy joyful and quit talking RELATIONSHIP...

relationships are not in the words we use...but in the actions we use...

you two argue too much
quit argueing....

you want to talk this till he bleeds from his eyes...
quit talking...

seek humility
seek great compassion for him
seek Grace...
seek calmness....

quit seeking fix fix fix fix fix fix fix....

ARK

Ark thanks! I am tired of this whole thing. Things were great for awhile this summer- I mean really good this summer, but then school started and things became chaotic!

Too many things to deal with that I cannot ignore. I like my house clean, but would disregard that for my H or kids an dmost of the time do. Right now I have eight piles of laundry on my sofa and the house is a wreck.

Things like my mortgage that is not paid, becomes something that i have to address. there are too many things that I have to address. H has tried to help recently and for the first time in 10 years and it has been a load off my shoulders.

I am interested in what you said about being able to , "he knee jerks responses...defeated that nothing he does is good enough...." What specifically made you feel like I wouldn't appreciate anything that he did???

That hit home for me. H has mentioned that before, but not in a mean and hateful way as he does most other things, but in a casual way which made me think- What is he talking about.

I think it is not about appreciation the way that HArley talks about it, because I am very VERY appreciative and spew comments constantly about it to him and everyone we are around. I brag that he is the best.... BUT i think it is about him not feeling adequate. WHY? What do you see that I don't?


Oh and by the way I own a school that both of my children attend- I am blessed to be able to be with my children this way, but it is a lot of pressure owning your own school and . Sometimes I feel that I will just quit but I find it soooo rewarding for my children and myself. It is funny how you describe me above. SOme things are way off, but others hit the needle on the head. I do want a FIX . I am the type of person to agressively persue something until it is the best it can be. I can understand why this can be daunting now and may push H away. As he is very laid back and calm.

I am not knowing what steps to take. I want to make sure that I am doing the right things. H is very fragile, and says rotten things. How can that be good to let him come back in? If he is only going to be here for the kids and the glory of the house, I can't let him come. It is too hurtful or do you think that is selfish?

I come from a family who was always hurtful. when I feel that someone is getting depressed, I pull away or I try to fix. Right now I am pulling away so as not to continue the circle.

Hi cfc
i think you are making too many excuses for your husband.....yes he is fragile, but so are you......you sound like you are in a conflicting situation and you are fearing to take the next step. You need to be polite but firm.....for him to waltz back into the house and announce that it is his house is just an indication that he lacks respect for you....please make a stand for your sake and for the sake of the children...but walk the thin line of being firm but respectful......oh yeah, you also need to pray and seek support....you need it..by the way, i really respect you for owning your own school, way to go gal!!..ark, you are right about being thankful for the God's blessings.

Well here's the thing...

sending a spouse out of the home is not plan B...
Plan B is a letter with concrete directions on what the WS needs to do...

next...
your husband is NOT a ws correct..he's a former WS and has gone total no contact...correct....

then you say you had a great summer...then school started and things went bad....

most likely these are pre-affair behaviors on both of your parts...

when life gets stressful
when life gets hard....unless we have learned new coping tools we all revert back to our old known patterns....even the ones that undermine, hurt and self destruct ourselves and others...

hence your husbands name calling....it's what is known to him....

I am not telling you to let your house get a mess be a mess..I am telling you to release the burdon of the stress it causes.....
it HAS to be done
my suggestion is to address and attack with a positive attitude...rather than another thing to the list of burdons and stress...

is your mortgage currently being paid...is that a past or present action....

if it's past...let it go..
it it's present...seek financial counseling..if you own a business you need a financial advisor...

you talk about nightly arguements...
I say what in heavens name are you argueing from..
where is the oasis for both of you...
or is your home a battle field....

do you want a divorce...
then file
and he will eventually have to leave...

if you want this marriage...
my suggestion is slooow down.....
get counseling
quit trying to fix and try living and being nice to one another....

I don't know what it is YOU want....
ARK

I want a relationship that H want to come be a part of but he has shut down and begun to be hurtful. i had plan Aed out the whazoo. The only thing I can think to do is Plan B with set goals of him returning only if he can stop the name calling, angry outbburst that wake the house and the disrespectful words he says to me about my attitude- which is so mild now- I know I hav elearned to treat him the way he wants to be treated, but he has ( and the conseluor agreed) he has not been able to accept when i change. He wants to think I am the bad guy so that he has an excuse for what he has done.

Does he come home and out of the blue iniate name calling...

in what context is the name calling occuring....

ie he comes home and you say..

hello darling...nice to see you how was your day....

and he says


shuddup $%^^$#

OR

is the name calling part of the package of lets talk about our relationship and whats wrong with it....

ARK

Name calling is only with arguements or when he must face a problem.

Are you alluding to something I don't know?- like it is okay to not face this problem EVER? Do you think I seem to push him too hard?

I understand that H likes to avoid things, but is that okay?

That is the reason for the A in the first place. I don't want to be in the place where H is hurt enough and ignoring the issues again for an A to start.

I asked H to come home last night. We spent time with each other just talking about nothing almost like strangers. Then we watched a movie. Am I doing the right thing letting him back and not discussing any problems? What do I do if he starts to argue again?

I was thinking about a MB weekend? what do you think, my family said they would pitch in.

I am sure he is unable right now. I think he would ignore this forever if that were an option as he has ignored facing his family about an issue for 2 1/2 years. He just wants to be happy that is his Plan.

My plan for my life includes recovering from the pain of this affair and learning to trust him again. I don't think I can do that when h refuses to meet my needs and wants "a life of his own" He wants to live like his parents- two in a house with no relationship.

Anyone there?

I thought about sending H this letter- What do you think?


Hi,

I have been thinking about writing you a letter since you left. I am just unsure what to say. I guess I am concerned with you. I want to be there for you. It hurts seeing you upset and not being able to help you fix it. I am beginning to see that I have been pushing you too hard to make change in our marriage. I want a quick fix to our problems because I want the pain associate with what happened to go away. I was trying to follow a plan. This involved working as hard as I could to meet your needs and learn how to be the best wife I could be for you. In the process of this, I found frustration with working so hard and not meeting my goal. You know how I am about working towards something that I want. In addition, I expected this great new relationship that involved being fulfilled in a way that I had never felt. You can understand the way that I felt when after working so hard I was still feeling the same.

Pushing you to make change caused you to withdrawal from me and begin to feel hopeless in the process. Goals set were past your ability to make change. When confronted with a problem you would react in a way to push me away so to avoid the pain of not meeting my needs.

My intentions were good, but my plan was not. I am sorry for creating this stressful environment. Creating a plan that you were not participating in was the first step in the wrong direction. Of course, I would like to change all of that. I think we need to work together to create an environment that creates comforts for the both of us. In order to succeed in this, we both need to look at what we need and commit to fixing them for one another.

Here is my compromise: I will stop pushing us so hard, if you can: when you walk in the door find me and kiss me, initiate holding my hand or touching me if we are walking together, initiate sex once a week or more, and call me from work at least once a day. I know you have said that if I gave you concrete things to do you would do them. I hope these are clear enough that you could do them. I know they would make a world of difference for me. If you know what you want me to do please email me back. I know that I still have a lot to learn and look forward to doing that with you.