There has been a lack of SF in our marriage for almost 2 years now. One dry stretch lasted 8 months. Usually it's 2 months. Ever since the beginning I've desperately missed the intimacy and affection connected with SF. But now, in addition to that, I find myself also desperately missing the actual SF. I'm planning on starting plan b with my fwh next week. But this really scares me, because maybe I'm too vulnerable to other men. Up till now, I've had no problem turning them down, but now, I'm not so sure. I hate "come ons" and so don't think that will be a problem but if a man approaches me with just kindness.. I don't know. In one of my classes today, a man asked for a piece of paper, with a genuine smile, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. He's not at all my type physically but just the sincerity of his smile really got to me. I wish I could tell my h how I'm feeling, so maybe he would try to offer me some affection. But he usually just gets angry and defensive if I mention my EN. What to do?? I don't want to become an adulterer but I'm so lonely.

Surely there have been others in this situation? How do you do it? How do you hang onto your convictions and morals? We've been separated for over a year now and I've never even had this cross my mind before now! Did I wait too long for plan b? Is that it? That my love for H is so far gone that I'm now feeling this? Maybe I should just finish divorce so I can date without feeling that I would be betraying him or our marriage. I still hold on to the idea that I want to save our marriage and there is still love for him in my heart. Just not very much. And what is there is no comfort for the lonely nights that I cry myself to sleep. Worried about my dad, worried about money, overwhelmed with being a single mom, and just so very much wanting someone to share these burdens with!! I didn't sign up for this. I didn't choose to have a baby as a single woman. I was married and yet here I am, still doing all this alone. There was a terrible windstorm the other night and it blew out one of the side windows on my van. So of course it rains all night long, and is 35 degrees outside and I'm taking the kids to school at 7am, and the heater doesn't work in the van and it's freezing. I've got the baby bundled up in a blanket but the wind is still blasting through the van and the other kids are cold. I mean, why??? How did I end up here??? I know how but I still can't seem to deal with it on a day to day basis. I mean, I am, but it's so hard!!!

Hey, most of us have been there FIL. Hang in there. I know it is overwhelming. I would say that while SF is a need you have you really want someone to hold you, tell you everything is going to be okay, to find you desireable, etc.

Take a deep breath. Are you on AD's? If not, why not? Do you have family in who you can spend time with, who can help ease some of the burden? Are you in church, a womens group? Do you have female friends with whom you can hang out and share with? Find someone who can help you think logically when you feel emotional.....

Most of all perservere!! Use this board to vent, ask advice, to heal.

God bless you and your children.

yes, that is exactly what I want more than anything, is just a shoulder to lean on and occasionally cry on, and yes, someone who finds me interesting and desirable enough to want me in their life. It helps me to know you have also felt this way and that I'm not just a horrible person for even thinking of betraying my wedding vows just because I'm so lonely.

I am on AD and they have really helped with the panic attacks and the overwhelming feelings of losing it. But almost because I'm feeling a little better, I seem to be glimpsing how much better life could be if I would just give up on H and M.

I only moved to this city 2 years ago, when all this started with H and so have been so embroiled with A's that I haven't really made any women friends but I'm really trying to work on that. I work partime as a waitress and so far the women there aren't really the kind I want to hang out with. Then I'm in college classes part time, and they mainly have young girls, who again, are only into partying. IC does help me to think more logically but unfortunately is not pro marraige, she thinks I should leave the b*****d! My family all lives far away except for my dad, who is fighting cancer. I feel as if I have to be strong and hold it all together for everyone! I know I'm just venting and tomorrow I will get up and do what I have to do, it's just that I lose the composure every now and then. Thank you for listening.

FIL, we all feel like that, but I agree with hopeandpray, that much of that feeling (for me) was the need for affection and comfort. I think the fact that a kind smile warmed you up, points to a lack of intimacy, not necessarily SF.

I am right there with you on the single mommy thing. I am exhausted. I want to be touched, I want someone that I feel something for to look into my eyes at close range. I want intimacy, but not at the expense of my self growth. I've seen many women rush into new relationships with men, without KNOWING themselves. Don't do it. Figure you out first. Buy a BOB and get that climax, relieve some tension. True intimacy cannot be obtained with just anyone, so what you may be looking for won't happen with some random man.

You are too vulnerable to yourself...

I agree with you exactly.. thank you for articulating it for me. I've never been one for Mr. Rightnow, ever. And I'm not about to start now. I do want the intimacy. I do want to figure myself out. And I really do want to fix my marriage, but alas, that is not just up to me! So you've been a single mom for around 6 months now? It's so hard sometimes! I know I am very vulnerable right now..

I was thrust into all of this about two years ago (2005) and kicked my WH out in Aug '05. WH came home Oct '05, stayed until July '06, basically been a single mom since then, barring the one month that WH came home this year.

It can be really hard to deal with all of the day to day stuff, in fact, I'm shirking duties, knowing I need to get some laundry done. I will, I just get tired of doing it all. Such is my life (she throws her hands up and shrugs her shoulders)

Ladies,

I can't imagine being a single mom with small children. I'm finding it hard and my kids are older. I guess we all become overwhelmed at times. I always had great admiration for single moms (although never wanted to be one)

I really miss SF and affection. And I admit I look at what's out there because I have little hope for my M. I'm just check out left hands. Although did get my mind off WH a little today at work... we have a new orthopedic surgeon who is single and handsome (my age) who came here to start over and meet woman. It was fun joking with my co-workers on that. And maybe just think of it a little.

My dream....I'm dating a surgeon and WH is with a Ho.

Just a dream. My M is still the thing I want the most. Just not sure how long I will wait.

Still

I'm feeling a little better today as far as the sf, but still so very lonely. Wanting someone to notice me, really look at me, and appreciate me. I have friends of course but this desperate, needy, lonely to tears mood is not good company. Thank you ladies for talking me through last night a little bit.

I'm feeling a little better today as far as the sf, but still so very lonely. Wanting someone to notice me, really look at me, and appreciate me.

I deal with this to...for 18 yrs. I didn't even notice OM...but now I do and I hate myself for it...but when you are lonely a smile from a stranger can give you a tiggle.

I have friends of course but this desperate, needy, lonely to tears mood is not good company.

If they are true friends they want to help you get through this.

((((((((FIL))))))))) You will come through this...its ok to have these feelings.

I am new here but I wanted to tell you that I have been feeling the same way lately.

Your post actually made me feel like I was not nuts for even thinking about this.

STOP IT!! YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!

I don't have the ability to stop reading this thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

So I've been doing the 180's for 6 days now in preparation for plan b. I go over to h's house to pick up baby this am and find a porn dvd on his nightstand. I know he has porn mags but this is new. In the past I would cry and beg him to stop with the porn because it hurts me when he has no desire for me but still looks at that crap. How I feel ugly and fat in comparison to those women. He knew that I saw it cuz the baby was grabbing at it and I took it away, looked at it, then handed it to h without a word. I have once previously been able to hold back and not say anything for a few days, before breaking down and letting out the torrent of hurt and tears. So I know he's probly thinking that he's really got it coming later. But I'm sitting there trying to think what a 180 of my previous behavior would be. So gathering my courage, I ask him where he got the dvd. Ummm... at the shell station. Then I asked, do you think you could get some for me? You should have seen the look on his face.. priceless. I followed up with, well, you seem to really like it, and hey, you never know, maybe it will help me leave you alone, so I'm not bugging you all the time for sex. (which I don't, but about every two weeks or so, I tearfully share how lonely and hurt I am that we never make love anymore) Of course I've been planning a 180, and will NOT be having any more of these tearful conversations with him anymore. I think he almost enjoys the feeling of having this woman begging him for sex almost. So maybe he'll think I'm not asking him about sf anymore because I'm satisfied with porn. What do you think? Is this horrible? In fact, I never used to mind porn, could take it or leave it. Never saw what the big deal was about either way. That was before my experience of it being more satisfying and desirable to my h than I am. Now it just makes me sick. Long story short, he said I could have that dvd if i wanted it. I said thanks, took it home and promptly trashed it. At least now I know he's not watching it!

Genius Move!!

I like what you told him too. I don't know how anybody could not think that was a good idea.

He's gonna want to know if you liked it though.

There's NO way he's not thinking about you watching it.

others may disagree, but I got huge kick out of it.

LOL

I liked it too! Made me laugh!

thank you.. now I'm laughing too. I thought maybe I had went too far, but then now, it kinds of tickles me for him to finally be the one off balance!

I agree with BC...what man wouldn't picture his beautiful wife home alone watching a porn??

Next you can tell him about your new BOB!!!!!

Next time you are in your vehicle and you know he is going to be around, buy some nice lingerie and lotion from Victoria's Secret and leave the bag in full view in your car's backseat.

Good idea!! OR use Ambiance...which is a little more of a dirty store.

Hang a pair of handcuffs from your rearview mirror!!!

now I'm finally starting to understand the thrill of keeping someone dangling! oh, well, he has it coming! He did give me a real hug tonite, the first in a long time. Also, when my daughter called my cell phone and I stepped outside to talk (it was girl talk) he very nervously asked who it was when I went back inside. Hmmm.. think he's a little less secure in his little wifey waiting around pining for him!