I can't believe I am back here at MB site. Here's brief history. My husband is a serial cheater. i first came here six years ago when i discovered H's first affair. Worked it out. a few years later discovered another.

I've filed for divorce. We're separated. He begs me to come back. Says I am the "only one he'll ever love". I have had to restart a career ( went back to work after out of my career for six years as stay-at-home mom. That was hard. But i've been back 2 years now and making as much money as my H).

I cannot go back to him. I just cannot this time. Although I have postponed going through with finalizing divorce to make sure myheart won't change, I don't think it will.

He has burned me too badly. Lies, lies. All from this very church going, bible reading, Christian man.

I'm sorry if i offend anyone's religion. I am a Christian. I love God. I feel I am a moral person. but i am sickened by "church people" because of my husband primarily, and then all the stories i hear about both firsthand, about people in community, and in the media.

And I am ready to begin life again at 44. I wonder if I will ever find love again. Felt I have never really been loved like I should. Right now I am so cynical on love, church, religion. I just work hard at my job, for my survival and for my 12 year old dau.

Just wanted to share and talk with others. Would welcome any email or posts in response. i am bursting to talk abotu all my frustrations.

I have not been battling this for six years, but I can relate in a huge way about the problems associated with love, church, religion. Church played a big part of the problems we had and it is hard to understand that a place where true selfless love should flow from can be the very place that breeds judgemental characters and fake downright dishonest behavior. I am learning though that a church is filled with people and people are born into sin so church like the world is full of them...some worse because they hide behind the name of the church and practice of religion.
I have started attending a church here and that has helped. There were people there that reminded me of the "old wounds", but I decided to just go anyway and just stay away from them. Like they say, "Eat the meat and spit the bones" I have enjoyed the word and God can love us like no man will ever be able to. I find comfort in that. Don't get me wrong...I will be glad when he sees fit to bless me with somebody to hug ;-)

I identify strongly with your comments about living life again. I spent my entire marriage preparing my career to stay at home with children and now I have to start a real career to make money. Life has completely changed for me and it is very scary. But, the alternative would be to go back to what was and that is just not an option anymore.

I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. I hope things better sooner rather than later.

Thanks growinghope for your understanding response.

Today is a better day. i guess we will have up and down days, and like I said in another post, we must keep on going one day at a time, cliche but so true.

The church we went to pushed "traditional" values and mothers staying home wiht children. That is good, ideal and I think all women should have the choice. I just think women should prepare themselves to be able to stand on their own if necessary.

I thank god I still was able to return to my career so that I could escape from my abusive marriage/husband. Even though my work is hard, I thank God for the freedom it allows me every day. I will teach my 12 yo daughter to remain self-sufficient financially.