I started Plan B a week ago and I am going crazy. I don't know what I am supposed to expect. Can anyone give me some personal experiences? How long before you saw any changes? I feel like he might be enjoying the fact that he is not having to deal with me. Is that normal? I feel like I am giving the OW an advantage. I want to call him so bad but I know I can't.

TWBD I don't know I just wend as deep as I can and It does suck... I going nutts too. In my case I don;t see the STBX/WW ever returning so it is just about healing me and preventing more damage to an already scared heart...

Just know your not going this alone... get busy keep busy that is what i try to do...


Jim

TWBD,

First off, I'm sorry that you are in this mess. I don't know much about your story. Maybe just take some time to fill in the blanks for us. HOw long together/married, any kids (how old), when A started, what has been done in terms of exposure, Plan A, etc.

Here's the truth about Plan B; the WS may be feeling free and may be enjoying that feeling, but it doesn't last. It's all normal, scripted even. You are not giving OW the advantage, because she has to fulfill all of his needs, all of the needs that he grew accustomed to having filled with you, and she is not KRESKIN, and can't read his mind, so I say Good luck to her (sarcastically).

You are dealing with your own withdrawal. You were hanging on his every word, his every crumb, and now even that is gone, but the reality is, crumbs SUCK.

Don't call him, please, try like h3ll to avoid this. It is very difficult at first, but he will not change his mind this quickly, in truth, it could take many months.

Again, fill us in TW, the nights are rough, I know.

Are you on AD's, or do you have a REALLY good exercise program (many do not --I know I don't right now). Meds can help, tremendously, and exercise can help too. Both can make a potent combination.

Come here to post. Dont' call him

OK, here is my story:
Married 18 years come May 10
2 Daughters previous marriage both grown
Both age 50

WH retired from military after 20 years and moved to our home in KY. I was transferred to DC in Jul 2003 and he decided not to move (hates DC). A started in DEC of 2004 with co-worker (20-years younger). Since I can only go home once a month it was easy to hide and I was such a trusting fool. D-Day was 4th of July weekend; I came home to surprise him and found them sleeping in the bed my WH built for me. I compltely fell apart and ended up doing everything that one should not do. I am embarrased to think about it.

My Plan A consisted of my going home once a month as usual. He spent one night with her and her kids and one night with me. I was supportive and loving because he was so torn about what he wanted to do. I felt he was going thru a midlife crisis and I wanted to stand by him thru it. She is his priority, he feels he is so in love with her but if that were true then why hasn't he asked for a divorce? He keeps telling me (and I have asked him many times) he isn't sure about what he wants. One of her boys has ADHD/ADD and WH isn't sure if he can deal with that. There is also the issue of starting over at his age with a new family. She and the boys are his fantasy family, the youngest even has red hair like my WH. So trying to be supportive, caring, and establishing a new relationship via long distance has been extremely difficult. In my gut and in my heart I really feel like this is going to end.

As far as exposure, our family knows what is going on, her family does not. They think WH is single. If I do the exposing, my husband will run to her side. Normally I wouldn't worry about it but I have animals at home that I cannot bring to DC so I am trying to hold on until next year when I get transferred again. So as long as he doesn't ask for D we will maintain status quo. I know how important it is for exposure and I am trying to figure out a way for it to be done without my direct involvement. I thought about talking to her ex but I don't know what kind of relationship they have. I have no friends or family in KY so he would know it was me if I try to do something anonymously. I know what church she goes to and thought about speaking with her Pastor. My WH told me OW's father left her mother under same circumstances and since mother is extremly religous, she would flip. I have a couple of months to think about a plan for exposure.

Beginning of April I had surgery and he came (out of obligation I believe) to stay with me for a couple of days. When I came out of recovery and lucid, I asked him "Are you going to give our marriage a chance or do you want to end it?" Again, he said he wasn't sure. So I thought about it and when I was released from the hospital I told him that I was stepping back out of his life. The night before he left, I snuck out to the car and put an Easter basket on his front seat. There was a bag in the back seat from Victoria's Secret (he had gone and bought OW sexy underwear while he was with me) STAB IN HEART!

Plan B started when he got home about 2 weeks ago. I called him and told him that I wanted very much to save our marriage but as long as she was involved he would not want to do the same. I told him that I could no longer see him as long as he was still with her because it broke my heart. Since we are already physically separated, I can't tell him to leave so I have told him that when I come home he is not to be there until I leave. Also, we will continue talking on the phone because we are learning to talk without LBs. We have actually established a telephone relationship. I feel like we are back at the beginning but without his complete negative attitude toward me. I have not called him and his calls to me are usually short but friendly. He spends 3-4 days a week in town with her and the boys and I pray each time that the ADHD child is totally out of control when he is there. Maybe the more time he spends with her the more he will see the real-life part of the family. I miss talking to him, I miss his face, she has taken over my life and I can't do anything about it. I'm a lot stronger now that I was weeks ago but still not enough. I'm so tired of the tears that just seem to fall. I am on AD and I do exercise (required in military) but cannot remember last time I felt any happiness. I go through the daily routines and I am a great actor so no one sees my pain. I am a Chief Petty Officer, I am strong, I am a leader (haha).

I asked God to take the lead and show me the way. I have never been a patient person, I like to nip problems in the bud as soon as they show. I no longer feel panicked because I know that none of this is in my hands anymore. I can't make my WH choose our marriage, he has to do that on his own. I am giving him his space but the hurt is unbearable.

I don't know what I am supposed to expect. How long before I see any changes in his attitude. Are there stages they go thru? Is there anything else I can do? After all the terrible things he has done, I still love him with all my heart. I used to be so strong and full of life; now I am a pitiful whimp.

Living apart like this is a recipe for an affair and makes it impossible to recover. With you gone, he is freed up to carry on his affair.

He is probably relieved that you are not coming home anymore to bother him. He is now free to carry on his affair from the comfort of your home, and bed, without your interference.




This is not Plan B. Plan B is NO contact. This is a nice set up for him, though. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. Also, you are meeting just enough of his emotional needs to keep his affair going. You are not in Plan B. This is Plan "E" for enablement.


The OW appreciates you helping her hide her affair so she can continue screwing your husband.

Have you considered doing anything to save your marriage? Have you looked at Marriage Builders principles? Have you heard of the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley?

Without exposing him in KY I fear your Plan B is just allowing him to live out the fantasy, day by day (as that's how Waywards exist...day to day) without ANY consequences for his behavior.

IF he files for divorce...he knows you will expose him. So he refrains from filing for just another day, month, year...to keep the addiction going without interference.

He's on plan Appeasement. Sure, he cares about you...but his addiction to her is paramount.

You've got nothing to lose by exposing him. You've developed a friendly "Plan A" type telephone relationship and now you've gone dark. I strongly suggest you do the exposure I suggested on your last thread...a 3rd party exposure that you simply deny. So what..if he KNOWS and/or believes with 99% certainty that YOU did it....still just deny it. He's wayward and underserving of the truth. Besides...you'll be dark and won't take his calls because you are in Plan B. It will drive him nuts that he can't yell at you for exposing....and guess where that upset will then be directed...at OW...eventually.

Plan B will be effective if and only if affairland becomes uncomfortable and they start love busting each other. As of now...she's meeting ALL his needs and her his. He's got to miss YOU and the friendship, love and needs YOU meet for him. He's not going to that if affairland is all hunky dorry and still stimulating, mysterious and secretive.

Finally...take advantage of Plan B and work on your side of the fence. Become a stronger, better individual, parent and spouse yourself so that YOU will survive this stronger and if you get the chance ATTRACT WH back to the marriage with such strength.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Plan B means darkness. What goes on with him is no longer relevant until he decides and takes the necessary ACTIONS to meet your conditions for continued conversation and perhaps recovery. Nothing. NO phone, email or letters (with the possible exception of 1 email to flat out deny you had ANYTHING to do with exposing his affair to her family, friends and the WHOLE COTTON PICKING TOWN (I can think of no better way to end this affair than all out exposure which may necessitate him LEAVING Kentucky).

You are right - I guess that is why I'm spending so much time trying to come up with a plan of attack. I think I have found the Church she attends, her mother's name and address, her Aunt's name and address, and possibly her ex-husband's phone number. I also know where she works.
I just got off the phone with him. He said "I don't know why you are coming home this weekend. Are you expecting something?" I said "No, I don't expect anything except to not see you, you have to stay away until I leave." Then he said "I guess I'm going to get a ton of phone calls and text messages." I said "Nope, I haven't called you in two-weeks, you won't hear a peep from me." I told him I'm done, I just want to know what he wants to do. I told him that if he wants to be with her then go for it, I might cry but I won't break down. I told him if he wants to end the marriage, then we need to start talking about separation etc. I think he was expecting me to try and talk him into spending some time with me this weekend. I didn't fold, some of your comments were like a slap in the face but I needed it. Thanks! His Dad is having by-pass surgery on May 15 so I'm not going to do anything until after we are sure he is going to be OK. My Mom died from complications of her by-pass surgery so we are a bit more anxious about it. An idea is to drive to KY on one of the weekends I'm not supposed to be there and mail exposure letters to the addresses I have. If anyone has any other ideas, I would love to hear them. THANKS AGAIN, truth is hard to hear but it's what I needed.

edited to add:Ooops...sorry, Mr. Wondering here

DON'T WAIT.

FIL's surgery will just add to the stress of the whole relationship and they may just Love Bust each other more now, prior to the surgery.

Plus...have you exposed to FIL? Prior to the big surgery he MAY be MORE inclined to state his true feelings about what WH is doing to his family and grandchildren.

As I said before...straight up exposure is likely best for you. Who cares what WH feels or says...it's pure manipulation anyway. After it's done...we most often find...the whole "don't expose or else" crap was a ruse merely to keep you quiet.

Whether you decide to do directly or annonymously...please discuss what to do or say or write here BEFORE you run off and do it wrong. Strategize with those that came here before you.

For example...any anonymous letter must include your name and at least an accurate address or a phone number (you write it as though someone else is given them your name and number if they want to call and confirm the information). This is important because waywards LIE. If asked about the annonymous letter they will simply DENY it and then you've accomplished nothing. This is also a benefit of doing it directly...then YOU know that they have the full story without any distracting lies and preempting denials to your story. If you do it annonymously and it fails...a later direct exposure may not be successful...by then...you will have become, to them...a lying, manipulative, controlling, abusive soon to be ex-spouse..married in name only...because of some overwhelming controlling reason outside and beyond WH's control.

Don't wait...do it this weekend...we can strategize a way...maybe meet with their pastor and tell him to story and call the OW's family in the presence of the pastor. Very believable then. Then expose to others...maybe even the town paper. It sounds really scary but YOU will feel so much relief once it's done. YOU MATTER TOO. After a full exposure...then leave town and go silent. Really silent. Merely send ONE plan B letter written with the help of those on this website.

Courage is in the doing. You've sat on the sidelines waiting for something to change. Your strategies have failed. Time to change course. If you don't believe me...call Dr. Harley yourself. EXPOSURE is your only and best weapon. Do it.

Mr. Wondering

Well I have decided that doing Plan A or Plan B just isn't going to work. With me being in DC and him being in Kentucky I don't have a chance to win him back. She is there and I am here (she has the advantage and she is making full use of it.) When it looks like he might be having 2nd thoughts, she does something to turn him back to her, like planning a family outing that he thoroughly enjoys. I can't compete. Exposing the affair doesn't seem like it would make a difference. The only people I could tell would be her mother and maybe her church. We have never lived there together so we don't have any friends to expose the affair to. I can't put anything in the local newspaper because they won't do it. I fantasize about making up some flyers and placing them in every mailbox I can find on the street she lives on and every car in the parking lot where she works. It would say something like

OW is having an adulterous relationship with WH while his wife is serving her country. They have broken God's Laws. She is guilty of fornication and cohabitation with a married man. He is guilty of lusting for one who is not his spouse. She has turned her back on God to become Satan's mistress!

I think that might be too mean though. I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to be unhappy anymore, and I'm starting to wonder why I would want to stay married to someone who treats me like I'm no better than the dirt beneath his shoes. I must focus on the what I need to do for me when this is all over.

I am going to stick with the plan of a one-year separation during which we will continue to make home improvements to increase the value for when we sell it. It will also give me time to take inventory and decide what items I want and don't want. I won't have to worry about my animals and I won't have to stress about getting things done right away. I know I am worthy of having someone who will love me and put me first in his priorities. I have spent my whole life feeling that I had to be responsible for everyone's well-being. I always put myself in last place. All of a sudden there is no one to place ahead of me, there is just me. It's going to take some getting used to.

Today I am not in such a "nice" mood. I am seriously thinking about doing the flyers. Can someone either help me to word it better or talk me out of doing it? It will be another week before I have the opportunity to execute.

You are in the ideal position to do a pitch-dark and very effective Plan B. Why have you already decided that it won't work? It has worked extremely well for many other folks here.

Talking to him and staying connected while he lives with his mistress is only giving him exactly what he wants, which is the freedom to have a girlfriend while he keeps his wife safely on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with the girlfriend.

When he says "I don't know what I want," THIS is what it means - that he wants BOTH of you, which is precisely what he's got. He's got a mistress to serve him *and* he's got a wife dangling on a string in case he might want her sometime, too.

Don't you think you deserve better?

What have you got to lose by doing a REAL Plan B this time? You will get much support for it here.
Mulan

You are in the ideal position to do a pitch-dark and very effective Plan B. Why have you already decided that it won't work? It has worked extremely well for many other folks here.

We live 600 miles apart. How many have been in this situation? Going dark would just give him what he wants - me out of the picture. If you have any ideas on how I can make this work, I would love to hear it. She's got him right where she wants him and marriage is her final goal.

The OW appreciates you helping her hide her affair so she can continue screwing your husband.

I have read everything I can get my hands on. I just can't see how I can win. What do you think of my idea regarding the flyers. I think I could sneak around the parking lot where each of them work and place the flyers on every car I can get to, and I can put the flyers in all the mailboxes on the street where she lives. That's about all I can think of. I just don't have a clue.

Please don't fall for this. It's the biggest mistake you could make.

Much of MB is counter-intuitive. You've got the idea that hanging on to your husband and "staying in the picture" will keep him from the OW, but let me ask you this - how has that worked so far?

Every last woman who ever went to Plan B - whether they lived at a distance or not - is 100% convinced that this is giving her Wayward Husband what HE wants and that she's just handing him over to the OW on a silver platter. Virtually all of these women learn pretty quickly that that's not the case at all.

In short: Remember how I told you that what your Wayward Husband REALLY wants is to keep both you *and* his mistress? He's happy as a pig in sh*t right now because he's convinced you'll stay dangling on the end of his string forever.

Hey, you just told US that you intend to do exactly that! As in:

(So, you therefore intend to stay around.)

Your husband knows this. So tell us: What reason does he have to change what he is doing? To change the way he is living?

If you want this situation to change, you've got to kick your corner out from under this unholy triangle and *let it collapse under its own weight.* As long as you insist on being part of it and therefore supporting it, it can go on and on and on for a very long time.

Hope is not a plan.

You need a plan.

Please go to the top of this page, click on "Articles", and read "What are Plan A and Plan B?"

Then read LilSis's current Plan B thread. It's on the front page of this forum.

Then read Mimi1254's Plan B thread. It's older, but you can search on her name and find it.

These are all "ideas on how to make it work." Please don't do this backwards.

If you insist on staying and being part of this threesome, your husband has NO reason to change.

If you remove yourself from it and let him see what it's really like with no wife in his life and only a lying cheating wh*re for company, things may very well change.

Please start reading and then come back here with any questions you have.
Mulan

OK, I read everything. Mimi's husband's affair lasted 3 years and they made it? My WH's A is going on 3 years so maybe there is hope afterall. Now I need help with my Plan. Questions:
1. I don't have a go-between for communicating to him when I will be making a home visit. Can we communicate by leaving messages on answering machine while we are at work? That way we don't actually talk to each other.
2. Since we are already separated by distance, will not communicating be enough? The only time he will be with the OW 24/7 will be during the time I am at home. He spends about 3-4 nights a week with her but still has his sanctuary to run to when he gets tired of her kids. I am going home at the end of the month for 9 days. When I told him, he got a little upset and copped attitude but I stayed calm and told him there was no need to get nasty. I told him he should be happy that I will be there to take care of the animals while he spends the time with his new family (that's what he calls them, his family).
3. Is my idea of using flyers to expose the affair a good one? His Dad is having surgery so he has to go home and I think that would be a good time to do it. They will be separated for about a week. Would this be a good time to go dark?
4. Are there any other ideas? Is doing a long distance NC even feasible?
I am starting to work on my PBL, how do I decide when the right time to send it is? Should I send a copy to anyone, like his family?

I am working at the moment but will be back - in the meantime I am calling in reinforcements for you - hang in there -
Mulan

I have compiled a list of all the places where I can put the flyers. I think I am doing all this preparation just to make me feel like somthing is happening. Still not sure if I should go thru with it. My pastor keeps telling me that God will do what is best and that I need to be patient. I keep reading what you say about exposure and I agree that it needs to be done but I'm wondering about the timing. Instead of me stopping the communication, he has stopped calling me (I haven't called him either). This is what he wants, now he doesn't have the stress of dealing with me and our issues. I also don't have a clue about how my animals are. My dog is probably being left outside with no companionship and I am afraid he will die from lonliness. I guess my WH thinks that if he ignores our marriage then it's ok to continue being with that OW. Should I even go to Plan B if I'm not ready to give up? Today is a really bad day, the tears won't stop falling (yes I'm on AD meds). I'm afraid that if he does call he is going to know I've been crying. He shows concern and says he still cares about my feelings. I just want to tell him if he cared he wouldn't be hurting me like this but I know that would be a LB so I don't say anything.

I'm not so sure that fliers will get the job done like it NEEDS to be done. Exposure is about involving the family and friends, although involving everyone in the church parking lot will cast eyes on them, I don't know if the desired effect will be achieved.

I believe you need to contact HER family members directly, and all in one day, in the same time frame, starting with the matriarch and working your way down. Then you go silent. No answering machine, no voices, no contact. If you have commom things to take care of, email it through an intermediary. If you have no intermediary, ask someone, explain your situation and take care of business that way.

You have your own fog to deal with, and we are trying to cut through it. He is getting his fix and still has you. How nice for him. You are enabling his relationship with the OW by being a part of a triangle. He will never get a wake up call this way! Expose, then dark, go through YOUR OWN WITHDRAWAL, and quietly live your life, while he is stuck in his. Work on yourself, find YOU again, be the best you, become strong again. Plan B is a strategy, being a part of a triangle is enabling.

TW, passing out flyers is not what we have in mind when we speak of exposure. Rather, exposure is exposure to people with some sort of direct influence on their lives, such as parents, spouses, pastors, etc. Passing out flyers will cause embarrassment for sure, but it will also make them the object of gossip amongst disinterested parties.

There is not much point to all this unless you quit your job and move home. You can expose until you are blue in the face and it will do nothing until you move back in with your H. Living apart has led to this, moving home will give you a chance to save your marriage. But you can't save your marriage as long as you continue to put your career before your husband.

My family knows, his family knows but. My family lives all over the country and his family lives in NY and they would rather not get involved. None of our family members live anywhere near my husband. Her father is not around and I believe her mother knows something but not everything so I am going to give her a call. Someone on MB told me that I should let everyone in our town know, that's why I thought of the fliers.
You are sadly mistaken if you think my job is more important to me than my marriage. I am in the military, one does not just quit the military.