My WH spent Sunday trying to find me. Called my sister, our friends, etc. He had to talk to me immediately.

Today, when he could have reached me at work (and he knows it) I didn't hear a peep. ???

Well thanks for clarifying all that!! Whew! I feel like I know what's going on now (haha). TWBD, it sounds to me like you have pretty much covered all of your bases and are doing what you can do. You did a pretty good Plan A (as acknowledged by your WH), you wrote him a Plan B letter outlining how he could return to the M if he chose to, and you are in the process now of getting financial and legal ducks in a row to protect yourself.

I highly suspect that you are RIGHT ON THE MONEY that during your time at home, WH is going to freak out. You know as well as I do that he envisions the "cute little red-headed boy" as Opie Taylor on Andy Griffith...and that's a fantasy. He's really a kid who doesn't clean up his room, who talks back to him, and who gets dirt on the furniture! Furthermore, as he can't pay his bills and his tension increases...OW is not going to enjoy his crankiness, his lashing out, and his blaming her! There's gonna be trouble in Turd-Land!!!

In addition, he is used to having his cake (you) and eating it too (OW)...and now you are no longer under his beck-and-call. I highly suspect he will keep calling and harassing for a while. When that doesn't work...BEWARE. I suspect he'll try to threaten or intimidate you by pushing a button that you are afraid of (like, if you love your pets, he'll say, "If you don't call me back, I'm going to sell all your pets while you're in DC.") in an effort to do ANYTHING to get you to call him back. YOU HOLD FIRM!!! Whatever your weakness or fear is, you deal with it while you are home now so that he has NOTHING to hold over your head--okay? Like...pay someone to animal-sit for you or find some way to be sure those animals are cared for. Then...when he threatens it...you can say, "Oh, btw, while I'm home I got the animals all taken care of so you won't have to worry about that anymore. They're outta your hair now." Devilishly smart, hey??

If you want, send me an email, and I'll be the intermediary between you and your WH. I have a special email I can use just for that purpose.

(((((TWBD))))) I know it feels all "up in the air and weird" but you're actually doing REALLY well considering your circumstances. And remember, right now the long term goal here is to break the A and then work toward reconciling the M--not heading toward D.

Your faithful friend,



CJ

OMG HE CALLED MY DAUGHTER <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
He called me all last night and most of this morning! He finally called my daughter and asked her to tell me it is over with him and OW and would it be alright for him to wait for me to get home tomorrow so we can talk about our mariage. I said yes but now am not sure about what to do. I'm one of those who forget what I want to say when I am face to face so I'm going to write down all my conditions, should I do anything else?

Read "How an affair should end". If WH truely wants to work it out, he has to play by your rules now. You need to have a plan. You need to set the conditions that he will have to follow. Think of this as a business meeting.

Remember TW --
He doesn't want to give up OW -- he wants both of you.
So the likelyhood that he has REALLY AND TRULY ended things are very very small.

It is far more likely that he is just saying what he knows you want to hear so that he can regain control of this situation and get back to cake-eating.

And remember that this is a man who has a VERY LONG history of LYING TO YOU!!!

What you need to see now is ACTION...not talk.

So...before you meet with him, do you have your list of ACTIONS that he needs to take -- that are verifiable and proveable to you?

I think that's what I need help with. Since we live apart how am I going to be able to verify he isn't seeing her anymore. I am able to check his cell phone calls but that is the only way I know he isn't speaking with her. That doesn't mean he isn't seeing her. I knew they were having problems, and before when they had arguments, he would stay home for a couple of days but there would bel all the panic calls on his cell. This time he says it's completely over and there have been no calls for the last two days. I'm thinking that maybe his family talked to him while he was up there for his dad's surgury. Maybe his dad said something. The fact that he called my daughter is MAJOR. I need to come up with actions that are feasible. Maybe calling me everynight before he goes to bed so I know he is at home. We live in the country, he won't drive in the dark. One of his actions will be that we be seen in town as a couple, I want everyone to know that WE are the couple. I would like for him to come visit me on occasion in addition to my going home. That will give us more time together. I guess I will have to show me my husband and not this cheater who took his place. Any help?

Ask him to write a no contact letter to her. It needs to say that the affair was a HUGE mistake, that he loves you and wants to work on the marriage - that he wants no contact from her forever for any reason.

See if he will agree to write it, and then YOU send it. If he refuses you will know that he is not that serious about working on the marriage anyway.

Also, you STILL have the problem of the long distance marriage. He really needs to move to be with you.

Unfortunately these A's do not die easily and he will most likely break NC with OW as he goes through withdrawal from her. Please stay guarded and look for ACTIONS from him...not his WORDS.

I checked his phone calls - he called her 15 times between 6am and 1130. In fact he called her 3 min after my daughter called him back to tell him I would see him. I flipped - I sent him a TM say U R A LIAR - DON'T CALL ME AGAIN. I guess I shouldn't have done that?

LOL- I have a feeling your WH's fantasy has just crumbled all around his feet. His wife cut him off and Im willing to bet his girlfriend got pissed that he was upset.

OOpsie on the TM, TWBD. Don't contact him again. If you must, let your daughter know that you are aware he is still in contact with the OW, so you will not be meeting him after all.

I have to agree with believer-- this long distance marriage will not work for recovery. If he really wants you, he will agree to moving to DC and finding work there.

Take the offer of FaithfulWifeCJ and use her as a go between if you don't want your daughter stuck in the middle.

Get right back into Plan B. Did you write a Plan B letter?

My daughter called him and told him not to be there. He told her this is my house and I will be here. He said I ruined any chance we might have had when I called him a liar. He told her that the OW broke it off and his heart is broken and as far as he is concerned we are over too. He's angry with me because she broke up with him. He hates me because of it. He says he there is no way he could ever feel the same way about me. What was I thinking - she is young and vibrant. To him I'm just an old ******. I never had a chance in the first place. My daughter is so mad, she said he was so mean and hateful. Can't say I lost him, I guess I never had him. Life goes on.

What he said was blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, the same things they all say. Stop calling him a liar. Where is your Plan B?

It is very excellent that the OW broke off with him. Forget what he is saying - they all talk like that. Now is a good time to start working on your relationship.

TWBD,

I just started following your thread, so I don't have all the info. But I will say this. He is mad and blaming you because you busted him! He is an icky, yucky, CAKE EATER, and you won't let him do that! Good for you!
Let it roll off, he tried to get to you and got pissed because he couldn't! WAA WAA! Babble, Babble, Babble!
Continue your plan! Very, Very Dark!

(((HUGS))))

PGA

He left me a voicemail apologizing for his behaviour. He said he must be going thru the process in the articles I left for him (articles about ending affairs, affects of withdrawal, and mourning). He said he felt anger and aimed it at me and he has no right to do that because I don't deserve it. He said things may not work out for us but he has to get through whatever he is going to experience and hopes I can be patient. He said he will be home and hopes I am willing to talk but will respect my wishes and stay out of my way if it's what I want.

That sounds like my husband, not the WS. I don't know how I am going to handle being in the same house with him, I guess I will deal with each situation as it comes up. I supposed I'd better re-read chapters in some of my books. I left Dr Harleys book in KY so I will have to wait for that read.

So should I expect him to continue raging at me? I know I will have to keep calm (that will be very important). I can't let him ruffle my feathers, better take an extra dose of AD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> We can't talk about reconciliation until he is ready emotionally. This next 10 days will be a test for both of us. I can be supportive but I do not have to accept any abusive behaviour. Maybe I should tack my Chief's Anchors to my [censored] to remind me I AM STRONG! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Zip up to the home page here, and read the article, "How Affairs Should End", "Overcoming Resentment" and "Restoring the Marriage".

Then read the Lighthouse post.

Remember, it doesn't matter WHY he is having no contact with the OW, just that he does.

Thanks, read it, even printed so I can re-read it later. Couldn't find the Lighthouse post. I know I have to be strong if I want to make any headway. She is leaving town tomorrow for a couple of weeks but after that who knows. They might just start up again. I won't be here to monitor. Trust in the Lord and do what I can. I will let you know how things went when I get back.

~BE THE LIGHTHOUSE~


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...

yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..
you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...

you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...

but you know that...
so they can't hurt you right now...
they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....

set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....

without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...

you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...

seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...

no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...

and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...

and eventually they will see that you are the only one...

who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...

be the lighthouse....

Hi, When My H raged at me the last time, I stood and looked at him. All I did was to blink at him. After he quit raging, I calmly said " I don't have any fight left in me, you win, If you are finished I will go home tommorrow and we will be done." He turned on a dime and started sobbing about how much he loved me, didn't want to lose me, he was a jerk, etc, etc. That night, he returned to me......I'm still getting over the betrayal of his EA, but we are growing in our marriage and in Christ. ( we were separated by miles due to his job). Long distance marriages are very difficult to maintain, probably because of the different needs. I moved heaven & earth and moved in with him. We are recovering beautifully now. Good luck to you. He HAS GOT TO COME TO YOU. You can find someone to move into your home and take care of your animals, I did.

Believer: Thanks for the Lighthouse, I printed it out and will read it often. This next 10 days will be the most time I have to fill up his love bank. Even when he rages, he will come back later and thank me for whatever I did or said. It helps that he read some of the things I left for him. He understands the addiction and is able to identify. He has always been one to blow up first, then come back in about an hour and apologize. I'm more of a volcano (which is one of the things I am working to correct). This can be the start of a new relationship as long as I can stay focused.

22Devastated: Before Dday, my sister mentioned moving to KY, she wants to build a home there. So I asked her if she would stay at our home and take care of things so Jim could join me when I transfer. She said she would and she still says she will. She can't do anything until next year which is when I will be transferring so I have that much time to convince him to come. If all goes right, I'm sure he will because it is very close to his parents. VERY COLD but close, Syracuse NY.

If I can get my laptop to connect to a landline without being kicked off, I will keep in touch. Otherwise I will update when I get back. Keep me in your prayers because I am going to need a lot of the Lord's help in the coming days.