So much has happened - the A is over. She ended it and now he is going thru withdrawal and I am 700 miles away.

Summary: I went home to KY, he was there and told me the A was over that she had ended it and he wanted to just get through it. I told him I would help as best I could. During the weekend I found out he was still calling her and texting her. I explained to him the harm of breaking no contact and he told me he didn't plan on having no contact. He still planned on being friends and seeing her boys. I spent the next couple of days in turmoil, I knew this was my only chance to make love deposits yet realizing that he still had hope she would come back to him. He would come home and be totally indifferent to my feelings and I just fell apart. I should have told him to go, I don’t know why I didn’t. On Thursday, I was in town on my way home from the dry cleaner and I made a snap decision to go see the OW. I needed to know if it really was over, I needed to hear it from her. I went to her office – I asked to see her and of course, she was in a meeting that could take hours. I said I would wait and sat down. About 5 minutes later my husband started calling on my cell so I knew she called him. Another woman came out about 10 minutes later and asked if there was something she could do because the OW would probably be in the meeting most of the morning. I told her I only wanted 5 minutes but gave her my phone number and asked her to give it to the OW and I left the office. All the while, my husband is calling frantically. I sat in the parking lot for another 5 minutes then sent her a text message. From there we exchanged many messages then emails. I found out she had ended the A the week before I started my no contact with him. She told me it was definitely over and that she had no intention of getting back together; that he would not leave her alone and she was getting tired of it.

When I decided to stop all contact with him, it was because he had stopped calling me and when he did speak with me he seemed to always be attacking me. I thought it was time for me to get on with living while waiting for him to come home (if he ever did). After hearing what she had to say in her TMs, I realized he had been in withdrawal, all the mean things he said to me were part of it. This all made sense and found the strength to carry on. When he came home that evening, he ranted and raved and raged at me for 3 hours while I sat there looking at him and saying nothing (extremely hard for me to do). After he was done, he looked at me and asked “Is this what withdrawal is going to do to me?) I looked at him and said yes. The rest of the night he was calm and we got along great. The next night he came home and asked if the OW and I had text each other. I thought she might have told him and said “Yes, we did.” Well that started a whole new situation. He got my cell and read the TMs she sent to me and said “Well she just said that because she is hurt, I know she still loves me. Why would you communicate with her, now you have definitely made it over. That’s what you wanted, that why you went to her office.” I said “Yes, I admit I want it to be over.” He started the ranting and raging but this time it only lasted 1 hour and again I just sat and looked at him without saying a word. He calmed down and said “This is really hard.” The rest of the night was great. Later on that night, he told me he didn’t mean everything he said and I told him I understood and will try to be as understanding as I can be. Saturday we spent the whole day together working around the house and Sunday I left.

We have talked everyday since, he is still in withdrawal so we can’t talk about us. When I got back to DC the OW and I started emailing each other. I explained to her about how important no contact is and she agreed. In fact she using her mother as her go-between (her mother works at the same company as my husband). She gave her mom a bag of things that he left with a not telling him not to contact her or try to see her boys in any way. She even told him she would have a restraining order served if necessary. I believe the OW is totally done and wants to get on with her life. In fact, I believe she has found a man her own age and doesn’t want any complications.

This all happened Memorial Day weekend, the next time I go home will be the weekend before the 4th of July. I know how important it is for the two of us to be together is we want to try and work things out, but I don’t know when or how to approach him. I must say that he did make an effort by calling our grandkids (something he hasn’t done in over 5 months). I feel that if he truly didn’t want to try, he wouldn’t have made the call. I have written a letter asking him to join me here so we can have a fresh start away from the place that now has painful memories for both of us. I don’t know when to send it though, I don’t know if this is the right time; my lease is up the first of August and I will have to find a new place that will take pets if he does come. He is tired of his job and he is so unhappy now with life that maybe this will give him something to look forward to. I know that he is probably looking at the possibility of being alone and that is why he seems to be moving towards me. I don’t care how it happens; I just want the chance to see if we can work it out. If we can’t, at least I will know we tried and I can live with that.

I know this is a long one, but I am confused and I know this is all confusing. I probably haven’t made any sense, I guess I just need a place to put down my thoughts. Thanks!

TWBD,

I only have a quick comment and then I need to go to bed, but I promise I'll try to write more tomorrow. It is NOT "withdrawal from the affair" when a person rants and raves for three hours. That is abuse, pure and simple. That is unacceptable.

Here's what Dr. Harley says about withdrawal:

Now that is straight from the man himself! Please note that he does not say that while the WS is going through withdrawal s/he is "allowed" to abuse their spouse. He says that one of the biggest symptoms of withdrawal is DEPRESSION.

Symptoms of Depression
# Irritability
# Sadness
# Exhaustion/lack of energy
# Low self-image
# Destructive self-criticism
# Feelings of shame and/or guilt
# Manic behavior
# Mood swings
# Anger
# Excessive sleep
# Suicidal thoughts or acts
# Feelings of “emptiness”
# Pessimism about the future
# Low sex drive
# Mental impairment (difficulty concentrating, loss of memory)

See...it would be "withdrawal" or "depression" if he were acting like someone he loved had just died. If he snapped at you or acted a bit cranky--then said he was sorry he was grousy, that would be withdrawal. If it seemed like he was doing okay one minute, breaking down tears the next minute, then excited about the future the next minute...THAT would be withdrawal. It's very similar to how a person would act if their parent died.

What your WH does to you is ABUSIVE. There is no way on God's green earth that I would ever encourage another person to tolerate 3 hours of someone else ranting and raving. Would you allow a co-worker of yours to treat you that way? How about me? Could I scream at you for 3 hours? Well, I don't even KNOW you and I respect you too much to ever treat you like that. He's supposed to LOVE you!

Sooooooo...my strong suggestion would be that the next time he starts one of his RANTING AND RAVING sessions, that you look him straight in the eye and say, "I am not going to let you treat me like that anymore. I respect myself too much to allow you to scream at me for hours. If you can not speak to me calmly and respectfully right now, I'm going to ask you to leave or I'm going to leave but I will not put up with this for one minute longer."

If he continues, ask him to go cool off and come back to talk to you later. If he won't, calmly stand up, walk out the door, and go for a one hour walk or drive. If he's still ranting when you come home, call the police.

Yes...it's that serious.

Your faithful friend,



CJ

SHOOT! Here I thought I was doing good by letting him rant and rave while staying calm at the same time. Well he's got a lot more to be ticked off about now. He just found out that the OW and I have been in contact. She broke no contact with him to discuss his personal belongings and when he asked her if we had been in contact she told him we were - she had no reason to lie. He's been calling all day but I haven't answered him. I don't think it's any of his business if we have been talking. I really don't know what to say to him. He is going to blame me for her not returning to him. Oh well, maybe this time it really is over for us.

He's going to blame YOU for HER not returning to HIM? Hmmm....sounds like that was kinda the point of Plan A/exposure/Plan B.

Here's an interesting question: Why in the world does he think you have that much influence over the OW?

He's going to babble, and rant, and blame. It's all part of the withdrawal from the addiction.

Just keep doing what you've been doing. Stay calm.

I think I can stay calm - I also think that if I tell him it's none of his business what the OW and I talked about, I will be taking some of his feelings of control. I think the reason he is trying desperately to call me now is because he is not in control and he's panicked. He is verbally abusive and manipulative (I guess that is part of what makes a control freak). I will give him time to cool down before I answer the phone. Or should I take the aggressive approach. This is a tough one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

So I answered the phone and he was pleasant at first. Then he asked what was up with me and the OW talking to each other. He demanded I tell him what we talked about so I told him it really wasn't any of his business. He hung up on me. He thinks we are conspiring against him. Haven't heard from him in the last hour. Maybe after he cools down.

No Contact means you ,too. He is now getting contact with the OW through HIS WIFE. End this mess now, on your side, by ending contact with the OW.

And do not allow any more ranting and raving at you. That is abusive and you do not deserve it.

You are on the rollercoaster, friend. Just hold on tight.

But here's the thing. Shortly after Dday, we exchanged some emails and found that we actually have a lot in common. Then he talked her into staying so we stopped. My WH made us promise not to contact each other again. After I made my visit to her office and we started texting each other, then emailing we really started talking. I know that the breakup had nothing to do with me, he ruined everything on his own. She finally realized what he was doing, how manipulative he was, and how selfish. She also realized how much he was lying to her. I told my WH that what we talk about is none of his business and to not contact me anymore unless he is REALLY ready to start a new relationship with me. I don't expect to hear anything from him for a while but that's OK. I hate rollercoasters but I think I'm actually ready for this ride.

Remember that waywards hate exposure. They get very angry - at the betrayed spouse who exposes everything and ruins their party. Don't be surprised by that.

But, remember, exposure is NECESSARY to end the affair. Expose to EVERYONE - church, work, school, family, friends, EVERYONE.