My story is much the same as most here. My wife of 7 years has lost her love for me, due to routine, obligations, kids, a lot of my screw ups......the usual thing. She isn't sure what she wants to do right now, she has alternated between "I love you, but I don't love you" and "You are a great guy, but that's it" to, "I want to work things out" and "I see more of a future with you than without". Things for us have been pretty challenging, I have 3 (now) teenage boys, and we have a 4 year old daughter together. Right now, it is the little girl that keeps her from leaving immediately. My three teenagers have caused her more angst than I care to tell you. Of the 3, one is good, the other 2 have done what they can to screw things up.

Our communication is good, we talk lots, and freely, we are both (I think completely) honest with each other. I am obviously completely committed to our marriage, she is not so sure. Our conversation has been open, and respectful, so I have no doubt that she is telling me the truth in this.....She has developed an emotional affair with one of her students...(he is an adult, married with 2 kids) I do not belive that there has been anything physical between them, but obviously, the emotional attachment has made it difficult for me to compete.

I have been trying to come up with a Plan A, but it has been tough to do so, given all the ups and downs of the last few weeks. I have gone from great hope, to despair and back again more times than I can count.

She tells me that I am very far from her, and when we move into a new house, I should get something that I can afford on my own... just in case. I don't believe that I am as bad off as some here, but I feel like my roller coaster has derailed, and I've been launched into the deepest forest in the country.

I would really appreciate any advice on how to develop a good Plan A, and how I could even out these highs and lows. After a good day this Sunday past, I went into an anxiety attack the next day, that almost killed me. And why that happened, I don't know.

Any help is appreciated, I'm not willng to give up, but not so sure of my lovely wife.

Thanks,
Rom

a good (or a great) PLAN A can only be accomplished by a relatively stable betrayed spouse

talk to your physician ... get help
talk to your pastor ... get help
talk to your therapist ... get help
talk to your best friend ... get help

HERE [color:"red"] <~~~ link [/color]

Welcome. I would be tempted to put the new home on hold. What is the story behind that?

Is there any chance that there is another man in the picture somewhere?

Thanks for the link Pepper.. I would say that I have been working fairly hard at the "carrot" aspect, but so far I am not sure of the stick. She tells me that nothing physical has happened, (and I really do believe her) although she would love to be able to! In addition to not having any direct proof, I also don't know who this man is. I hve met him, but I don't know which of th 7 potential adulterers he is.....

Have you found a way to set aside all the pain that you feel, so that you can work on 'improving' yourself?

Ron

Hi believer....i would like to put a new place on hold too, but I also have all my 4 kids to consider....rental accomodation for all those bodies can be tough to find!

I know there is another man in the picture, just whether or not she has done anything with him is the question.. I don't believe she has, but her attachment and desire for him are really strong. This is from her...she says "I feel like I am 16 again" Tough for a 43 year old to fight agains those hormones! Having said that, I know there is more to this than just wanting to get laid... Whether she has or hasn't isn't so much of an issue for me, as how I can level off how I feel, especially when I feel I am always reacting to her mood, and how I can 'improve' myself, when everyday, or every minute throws a different pitch at me. This is nothing new to anyone here, I know. Getting my feet underneath me for more than half a day would really help..

Ron

Antidepressents really help take the edge off of the rollercoaster and help you think a little more clearly. I know many men are against using them, but as one of the above posters noted, that a good plan a takes a relatively stable person.

As far as why you panicked so badly after a good day with your wife.. just my experience, but it seems like the day after a good one is the hardest, because then I start thinking is that the last good day, how long till another, was he really being sincere, on and on.

Also, whether or not something physical has happened between your wife and this other man, isn't the real issue. That's really just a matter of time if the emotional affair continues. And really oftentimes with women, it seems as if the emotional connection is what's most dangerous to the marriage anyways. Make no mistake, she is having an affair and you need to stop it! You need to apply the stick part of plan a as well as the carrot part!! And the sooner the better!

I'm fairly new here so I'm sure you'll get more specific advice as how to proceed but either way, welcome and at the same time, sorry you're here, in the same boat as the rest of us.

Thanks for your advice Forever. You're right, meds are something I try to avoid! A far as exposure is concerned, I don't have a name....she won't tell me, given that I may meet him sometime between now and the end of their year in June. I have started some snooping, but so far no info has been useful. The only choice I have right now, is a generalized, "my wife/your daughter is maybe screwing around with another guy/one of your students, but i don't now who.

The only thing I know is that he is married, and has 2 kids.

ron




t

Ron - how did you and your wife meet? I presume your kids were young when you met?

Ron:

If your W is in an EA with one of her students, she is on a very slippery slope. She can lose everything if it is exposed.

Point that out. Even if it is in the college environment, it is frowned upon.

Who is it, go sit in her class room. You will know in 15 minutes. Because she will tell him beforehand not to come to class because you are there, or because he will be the one that isn't acting "normal" around her.

I would go sit in the classroom anyway. Could make a huge difference.

As for your wife's line: "I feel 16 again"

So does mine. With me. And I was the one who had a PA for 4.5 years.

This site works. It did for me, and it can for you and Mrs Ron.

And read about the Emotional Needs and Basic Concepts on this site. It will really strat you on the path to recovering your M.

I will take a slighly different tack and say that I do not believe that your W has gotten physical yet. She is in the thrall of the EA. And you have one feather in your cap. The school year ends soon. No Contact can commence then.

But you need to know who he is. Check the cell phone records and track him down. Pretty easy to do. Your target pool is small, that helps.

However. This will not end overnight. Remember that. Sometimes around here it does. But often, you need to KILL the affair, and it has many heads. And you have to slice them one one at a time, or several at once. So, suit up, the fight's about to start...

We met about 10 years ago..The kids were small, 5 year old twins, and a 3 year old. I had most of the custody, so my wife ended up taking on a big role. That's one of the issues that is bothering her right now, she feels that she has lost her life.

As far as the slippery slope is concerned lousy, I know, and i've told her what can happen if her work place finds out, but I'm not sure she really sees it.

She went out this Saturday night by herself, to think about things. When she left, she was very cool, and distant. When she got back on Sunday morning, it was great. Warm, affectionate; it was as if she had an epiphany, she wanted to work things out, it seemed. And now 3 days later, she is back to cool and distant. She doesn't know whether she can stay or not. Right now the only thing keeping her with me is our daughter.

I'm trying to find out who the other man is, if nothing else, just so that his wife can know what's going on.

What a ride

Ron,

So as to not hijack that other thread I'll post here.

Ron - NC is the essential first step to recovery.

Hi Ron,

The Saturday night gone, back Sunday AM, changing from distant to affectionate, then distant again, I hate to have to break it to you, but that is classic PA. The feeling 16 again at 43 when around him, could be mid life crisis. My guess is that she will soon do PA's openly and if you call her when she's out, she won't answer until they've left the hotel/motel. If you want confirmation of it, you might check her credit card activity over the last month, or next month. She might even admit it to you directly after you call and she isn't answering some night. I hope I'm wrong, but WS's tend to act much the same and like and dislike similar things.

I really hope I'm wrong. But just in case I'm right, find out quickly who it is and contact his W, else you're in for a rough ride.

God bless,
CS

Hi Ron,

If it is an A, get the emotional needs nailed right away. Give her lots of love, attention, and caring about her. Leave out negatives, don't get angry or demanding. If you feel like telling her you're angry over the A, instead tell her it's hurt you. She won't deal with anger over an A, she will attempt to deal with the hurt. Try to keep discussion of the A to a minimum and mostly as fact gathering without any negative response to it. She'll feel safer and may even want to talk about it during times she feels guilt over it. Venting can help her feel like she's done the right thing in telling you. If you're angry, she'll feel more like you deserve it and she shouldn't admit anything. Fulfilling her ENs without LBs will be a big help when she starts to see the OM for who he really is. Get the Harley's books about ENs and LBs, read them quickly, then read them again.

Keep a daily log, record times, dates, what she seemed like, what you said to her, facts about the day, places she went, who she was with, what she said about it. You should do this not to control her, but to monitor the lies, admissions, and understand where the A is in it's life to death cycle. Without a daily log, it will be difficult to know where it's going, or if it's over. Think of the daily log as a flashlight, without it, you're in the dark.

She'll still do whatever she wants anytime she wants, fulfill her ENs and keep it positive, so she'll more inclined to stay with you rather than see the OM.

God bless,
CS

Ron43,

""She went out this Saturday night by herself, to think about things. When she left, she was very cool, and distant. When she got back on Sunday morning,""

What in the he!! are you talking about. BY HERSELF??!! What are you smoking, my friend?? So she what, slept in her car all night??

OK, have you checked her cell phone calls? On the cell phone billing it lists all calls she makes. Or check the call history on her cell phone. How about her emails? Can you get on her email account?

The fact that she is telling YOU about this guy and how he makes her feel is strange, unless she is preparing you for the other shoe to drop.

You must find out who the guy is..so I like the idea of sitting in on her class. I would go un-announced and enter just after the bell rings and then watch the blood drain out of her face. Or if it is a large class try to observe un-observed.

She must be a list of students or a class roster. Find it and see what guy is getting all A's.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Sorry, couldn't help myself there.

Ooorrrr wait outside the classroom and see who she walks out with or speaks to while looking longingly into his eyes.

And you think the guy is married?? Exposure is so much more effective when the OPerson is married.

You need to start setting some strong boundaries and at the same time look for a stronger backbone. You do not deserve this treatment.

kirk

Alas, my wife is in the dark ages, when it comes to communciation....she has no cell phone, no pager, and virtually never uses the computer when she is at home.

I had a friend check the hotel parking lot the night she stayed at when she was away, I will be comparing plate numbers with those that are at her school. The school she teaches at is military ( she's civilian, he's not), so access is more challenging.

I know he's married, and has children.........and guess what? he has cheated on his wife before.. What a surprise there.

On the other hand, I'm told (by her) that I have reacted to this in a way that makes her wonder why she wanted to leave in the first place (I haven't curled up in a ball and hid, or cried about things..) In other words, I haven't been a [censored], (at least not in front of her!) so perhaps not all is lost.

so have you or haven't you exposed the affair to her?

no, I haven't told the other wife, I still don't know who the guy is.

I really wonder why my life is so exciting.

We have talked lots about what our future will bring. I asked my wife last weekend if she was going to stay with me or leave. She said that she wanted to stay with me, and 'move forward' together. Most of this is because of our 4 year old daughter, I know, and not so much because of me. I'll be thankful for small miracles! During the same conversation, she said she saw herself with me, but not ever being intimate with me. Some marriage, eh? I know taht a lot of what she is saying is due to the 'fog', but she won't get dressed in front of me, and if we are in the bathroom together, she will ask me to leave if she is having a shower.......neither of these things she would have done before.

As far as the other guy involved, because she is still teaching him, she can't/won't cut off contact, at least until the end of May when the course ends, and she does not want to tell me who he is, mostly for fear of my reaction should I meet him, which is a very likely possibility.

I still believe that there has been nothing physical between them, both because we have been brutally honest with each other, and because of our kids and commitments, she doesn't really have a lot of opportunity.

I'm not really sure what I should do, I know it hasn't been a very long time, but how do you manage to live in a house with little physical contact or affection (the lack of both is killing me), while waiting for all of this to come to an end?

Like everyone else in my position, I'm reluctant to go full bore on exposure right now; if I tell her work, she'll be fired, and I'll be supporting her for the rest of my life. Half of her family already knows, and all of my family and friends.

I imagine I probably know the answer already, but some ideas on how to deal with this, and how to go through the day to day shiite would really be appreciated!


Ron