My ex lives out of state, I moved a year ago to a new town. I dont' really like it here and am thinking of moving back to where I lived 1-1/2 years after leaving my ex. The court messed up and didn't transfer the divorce, I filed a motion to move it here when I moved. Now it finally came after I made calls a few weeks ago. Nothing was done on the case. But there's a 2-3 month waiting period in my state. I could just dismiss the case and refile the court clerk said since basically nothing was done with the case anyways other then a few attorneys squabbling trying to make it all worse a year ago, I fired mine and his you know what from ****** was part of the reason I left. I don't want to look unstable but I'm just sick of this town. It's blue collar, seems so negative, not a lot to do, I've had terrible experiences with babysitters, my neighbor is on drugs, there's a lot of crime here - my mom was right, she had bad thoughts about this town when she helped me move. I dont' want to get stuck here. If we finish the divorce here what happens to the case if there are further issues with my boy? If I know I'm moving am I better off refiling somewhere else. I think my ex is at the point he'll finally agree to finish the divorce, he lives in another state. So I can move even to another state I think, maybe I'll do that. I need to decide in the next week. The court mailed out something that May 7 there is a meeting, he can do it by phone to see what the issues are, then there will be mediation. I hate this town, I've heard horrible things about the judges, the few attorneys I've met are just as crooked. I know I'm not going to stay... can anyone give me ideas. Of course the local attorney I met yesterday isn't going to say move or give advice as she not only wants the case, she wanted to stir it up as I have a three year old boy and no formal custody has been decided.

I would think that varies from one state to the next.

For example, in Louisiana, once a custody judgment is rendered, if the custodial party intends to move more than 50 miles, they must notify the other party in writing by certified mail at least 60 days in advance and the other party has the opportunity to object via court action. The burden of proof is on the custodial parent to show that the move is in the best interest of the child.

I would fear that this situation would be unique to each state and could differ substantially. Worse yet, given you're case was already transferred and is pending and there is no custody order yet, it could get fairly complex. I think that would need to be answered by competent legal counsel.

Legal counsel didnt' want to tell me anything without 4k, I told the attorney i met the other day I might move. Tbey all have too many cases here, they could care less. I think it is that if I move again, even with my ex living in another state I'd have to go to the judge and ask. That's why my ex was having a fit when I moved a year ago, he tried to prevent me from moving the divorce and he had no reason. He said he thought he might have wanted to move back to the town I was living in before when he "was done here." He has a job in another state. I think he meant he wanted to retire early after this job and wanted me to be there. I don't know. I'm just sick of all of this. Counselor said I'm in fight or flight syndrome. I just want to move and not deal with any of this. This town isn't that bad but likely I shouldn't have moved to begin with a year ago. I just wanted a fresh start and I left some friends and stability. Now I feel like I'm going to be stuck here. My ex has no ties to the town either so I could ask him before moving, then dismiss the case, starting over somewhere else. It doesn't make sense since he doesn't live here. I have a meeting with another attorney but I was told by the secretary it's the same, he won't give legal advice in the consultation. Maybe I'll call an attorney in my old town and ask about moving back, filing my own motion to move the case back to my old town before I leeave. My lease expires in a month.

I'm really sorry to hear all the trouble you're going through. I wish things were easier for you. I'm not sure what to tell you.

I just want to move and then he'll say I'm unstable I suppose. I'll likely move anyways. I need to figure out where as the next few weeks I don't have a lot to do. I hate attorneys. My ex has been divorced before. He seems to have been plotting against me and I didn't even know it. My girlfriend was right, he knows how to get a divorce. I should have finalized this a year ago, I could have gone for sole custody. Now he has a year behind him of seeing his boy. He's trying to prove I'm unstable and unfit I suppose, I'm not sure how he could since he doesn't even live here in this town and is two states away. Or like an attorney said he'll try to come up with anything to scare me about my boy, so I'll settle quickly in mediation and then won't go for the money. I should take his money, he keeps crying to everyone that I cleaned him out when I didn't even take a dime from him as of yet. I should have done everything to him, I suppose he thinks he's winning whatever it is. The man can't be trusted and he's a game player. I guess I need to finish the divorce here or I'll have another waiting period when I move. I don't have a choice. Then if I have to I can go to the judge and move later on. Is that what you'd say? I could move here in this town to get out of this awful neighborhood. I thought it was ok when I moved in but everyone is wacko here. It's not a nice block or so for kids. I need to spend more money and just buy my way out of wacko neighbors I guess. Funny when I lived in 600k houses I used to complain that the rich people were wierd. Now I complain that poor people are. I think the poor people are more weird, especially these welfare women, the one next door I think is on drugs. They make me nervous.

Horsey,

I really feel your pain. There's so much I wanted to say about this post, but I realized that it was pretty much focusing in on my problems and not about yours so I decided not to post it.

I would offer this however. Remember the conversation we've been having about my situation about how my wife and I are acting in ways we believe are necessary to protect ourselves and we are perceiving them as attacks on each other? I am sensing there may be some of that in your situation as well and you may want to try to examine things from that angle.

On the unfit/unstable thing, don't worry about unfit. He's going to have a very tough time proving unfit. It doesn't sound like he is offering any more stability and so I wouldn't lose any sleep on that right now. Make rational well thought out decisions. If you need to move, move. If you don't need to move, don't. Put your needs and your sons needs first.

On the money thing, he is going to feel that way no matter what. He already blames you for his inability to hold a job. He's telling people that. What makes you think that if you give in and don't take a dime he'll feel you've done any favors for him. Get what you're entitled to. Not a dime more, not a dime less. Don't worry about what he is saying. He will say what he wants to say anyway. That's his problem.

I can't give you any advice on the divorce procedure with the move. I really don't know. I know what needs to happen here in Louisiana, but that's unique and most likely different since we're on a civil code system and the only state of the 50 states that isn't common law. Our court system is different. The lines are blurring and we're getting more and more similar to the rest of the country, but for now, we're still very unique.

I'm not going to move now. The counselor was right, I'm in fight or flight syndrome because of my boy. And I did nothing wrong. Yes you are right he's been slamming and slamming me, he'll do it if I take nothing - which I haven't yet - and he'll say the same thing if I take what I deserve. I just can't believe he has the nerve to go on and on about how I "took the dough" and served him with divorce papers. He's such a liar but then again I should have never cracked his email to read all of this garbage. His "character" shouldn't be a shock to me as I lived with him four years, of course he's going to blame me and everyone before me, everything that's gone on in his life is someone else's fault. My mom said that when we were dating, I'd be next if that was his take on life - and just look at this mess? I'm now to blame for all of his problems, and he still doesn't get it, they are his problems. I don't even live in the same state as him, he chose to leave, he chose to be a jerk, he chose to get fired from a series of jobs, he chose to physically hurt me... I think it's a female thing to take the blame even when it's not our fault, we do it more then men. As far as he goes I don't know that it's "normal" self protection with him, like I think maybe you and your wife are doing, I think that he's had so many marriages and problems that he's shut himself off from feeling. He drinks a lot, I'm sure that hasn't changed. Rather then address issues, he'd rather run, he said it in an email to his ex girlfriend, that he's "hiding" out in another state so he doesn't have to deal with this. He said he should move back for his son but he'd lose his retirement. Money's always been his God, he won't go to church and I think God would strike him if he went as a liar and cheater anyways. He's not like you other then the three divorce thing. It's just that we started chatting. You are right, he can't prove I'm unfit, and he's less stable then me having had all of the ex's and jobs. I've run the same company since I was 24, yes I've moved around a bit the past few years since leaving him but I can, my boy's not in school, he's only three years old. I'm getting out of "flight" syndrome the past few days, an old preacher said that it's common when we have problems to want to move hoping that will fix our problems and it doesn't work. Our problems go with us. Actually this town is ok, it's close to recreation, close to cities, it has a great climate and it's growing. There's enough for my boy and I to do. I don't like large cities, I was just wanting to exit from this stuff with my boy and his dad. Counselors say it's not me anyways. My mom says he needs another hard knock as he just keeps manipulating over and over again. What I do need to do is stay put and finish up the divorce stuff. I always chicken out and dream things can change, true I see hope in your marriage - really any marriage is more hopeful then my own. I don't know what's kept me "stuck" for so long. I just don't believe in divorce. I am afraid of the court system. I'm afraid of losing my boy, even during the summers. I'm afraid of the influence of my ex on him. I'm afraid one day he'll want to be with his father more then me. I'm afraid my ex is going to hurt him, at the very least be very controlling. I'm just scared but it's not helping to keep this divorce on hold. My ex's emails are true - he wrote them to his ex girlfriend - he's not trying to reconcile, he's "waiting" me out, he hasn't made any changes, he's not reading, going to counseling, crying, nothing. He's drinking and on singles sites (I found him 5 years younger then he is), and email ex's, slamming me. I guess I must like punishment as no one would have put up with him, a counselor told me that five years ago and I'm still not out of this insane marriage. Maybe you can help me with ideas on my divorce? I thought I liked the last attorney, I guess most are the same to me. I don't trust my ex in mediation, he'll push me around, I guess it's going to have to be two attorneys at war with him. Other then me settling for nothing. That's why he wants mediation. We have an appointment with the courts on May 7th. I'll post my thoughts before that, hope you'll help me with this, I'm afraid of the system.

Horsey,

I've enjoyed our chats and you've given me so much to think about in my situation and opened my eyes to things I might not have seen or come to on my own. I'm not entirely convinced there is hope in my situation, but I'll save that for my thread. I'll post an update there tonight.

I'm happy to offer you encouragement anywhere I can. I'm glad to see that you are slowing down and taking a breath to think. I would think at this point in time, that's the best thing to do. Keep yourself moving forward, but when you feel like things are closing in on you, just take a deep breath and stand still for a little while. Let the emotions run and let yourself feel because we need that, but try your best not to move on them (that's advice I need to heed for myself).

I fear, for you, that the finality of the divorce won't be an end to this situation. The sad reality is that you are likely to be stuck dealing with your ex for some time to come, even after the divorce is over with. There are some things you simply cannot change. And what he says about you and what he does is one of them (again, I'm needing to heed this advice on my own). The place you need to get to is a place where you don't necessarily like what he is doing but you accept that you cannot control or change it or even influence it and so you focus in on what you can control and change (yourself, you're son's well being).

Just keep moving forward. It's okay to be taking baby steps. But keep yourself moving forward. And each day will bring you beyond the day before.

Is there something you can do maybe to take your mind off of this situation? Something recreational? Some other activity. I know nothing ever truly takes away the fears (I live that daily), but I know that keeping myself busy with activity helps me to not dwell in it so much.

Thanks for the thoughts. I've enjoyed our chats too.

Yes my situation won't end with a divorce. I've been told by counselors that if this man can't control me, he'll control through our boy. I'm already seeing it, just how he's planting thoughts and trying to go around me, my boy isn't old enough for what he's trying to do, but as always he's manipulating.

I am stuck with this man for years to come. I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation for my boy. Maybe I should have cut his dad out of his life more. Maybe I should go for very strick custody arrangements - making him only see his boy on a scheduled basis, then if he doesn't show restricting his time more. Abusive people need boundaries and a divorce book said the worse the marriage the more the boundaries and schedules for custody issues. Do you think that's right? Only I know him, it's almost better to let him think he's getting his way, it's not bothering me at this point, as long as I'm around he'll let me know if there's a flight schedule, a ball game, and I"m sure a date to schedule his trips around to see his boy. He shows up, stays a night and then is out of my life. Sometimes I'll have lunch with him and my boy, I try to keep it light. Good thing is the man is so shallow it's not hard to keep things light, that's about all it's ever been is the sad reality.

A babysitter told me a year ago when he started seeing my boy again - after having seen him only every 3-4 months for over a year - the work is done, I did the diapers, the sicknesses, the daycares, the day and night work - now he's a fun little boy. My boy is exceptionally cute and this babysitter said, this isn't your normal kid, he's going to come back and say "this is my boy" after I did all of the work. I was bitter about it as I think she was right, and the more enjoyable and older my boy gets, and the less work, the more time he's spent with him. But bitterness isn't going to help me, I spent a lot of time being bitter at him and it's not healthy.

I have a "divorce" folder just like the "project" folders I use for business. All of the divorce paperwork is inside. I have the numbers and steps to take on front to complete my business project. Yes even baby steps to continue... the best organizational book is by David Allen, it's a national best seller and his time management strategy is to just do a "next action" on projects. So one next action after another and I'll get through this. I am dealing with that stupid bruise from my babysitter nightmare about three weeks ago, I already decided that needs to be settle wtih his dad and social workers before continuing. I was going to move forward right away but I don't want another issue added to this. I just don't. And my ex cornered is not a pretty sight.

I have a horse. I mail checks for her board, but she's only 20 minutes away. I used to jump and do dressage. She's my dream horse and it's very sad that she's been to pasture so long. I don't know what's wrong with me, it was the hobby that kept me somewhat sane in a bad marriage, and I just haven't wanted to go to the stables. I know that I would enjoy it if I'd make myself go. Part of it's finding a babysitter as my boy isn't old enough. But the neighbor boy and girl said they'd like to come, could watch my boy while I ride as they enjoy horses and can't afford one. It might be I'll take them up on it, and it'll make me feel good too as I enjoy especially the young girl, they are a poor family, and it'd be nice for her, their family is rough, she doesn't know her father. One day I figure I'll throw on breeches, dust off my saddle, find my brushes and halter and will saddle up. Girls on my horse site that I haven't been on in over a year said a year ago that after a crisis that some have had this happen, that I should just go out, brush my horse, not plan on riding and slowly get back into my hobby, trail riding and not doing anything competitive. I'm going to give in and go to the doctor and get some drugs for depression, I don't believe in them but I think I need help getting through this divorce. Just temporarily, and I think if I can lift this cloud, which likely is some depression, I'll ride again.

Thanks