My story is rather long. I will try and give you the gist...

Hubby and I got into BIG fight in Dec 06. We smacked each other and he left. He decide to move in with his friend B and while we were seperated, work on ourselves. Around January 07, WS stops staying with B. B doesn't bother to ask what is going on with WS, and doesn't tell me he hasn't been staying there.

FF to Feb 07. I get a suspicion that I shoudl check WS cell phone. I read texts from OW and I flipped out.I find out he is having an A with a girl (she is 24) that he met at his part time job as a bouncer. He wouldn't admit to it at first. It took me 2 days to get it out of him. He was no where near remorseful.

He lied about it and continues to lie about it to me. He lives with her, and up until this week finally admitted to me he lives with her, even though I have busted him there. He says they don't have a PA that he stopped it, but he needed somewhere to stay, so he sleeps on her couch (eyes are rolling).

The OW called me 3 weeks ago at midnight to spill her guts about what WS and she are doing. Evidently she wanted him to tell me he lives with her, they are together, etc and he wouldn't do it, so she did. She told me so many different stories, all of which contradicted each other. She had been reading the texts between us and was suspicious of his relationship with ME! So she called more or less to create friction. While she was on the phone with me, he came into their apt. I heard her yelling at him and LB'ing ALL over the place. She threw him out. Didn't matter though, she let him right back in the next day.

This girl has admitted to me that she is trying to keep him away from us and she gets mad because he calls her my name and always talks about the kids and I. She tells me she hates kids. She doesn't ever want to be around our kids (which is fine for me). SHe is a HUGE party girl and smoker. ALL of these go against WS. I know this won't last. She is his opposite.

I did a decent Plan A, couldn't do it anymore. He barelly sees our girls. He wanted to see them at my house. Once I stopped that, he got nasty. Now he tries to blame me for not being able to see them. I politely remind him of his choices. Started Plan B. WS HATED IT!!! Did everything mean and nasty. I kept my composure.

So here I am. He came over Monday night to drop off my girls and we talked for a minute. We talked about reconciling. He says he is afraid because of what happened. He misses our good times and really won't discuss divorce, although he usses it as a weapon. I broke my Plan B. I have a couple times. I need help with that.

There are so many details to this story. Please tell me what you need to know in order to help me save this. I have more or less moved on in my day to day life, but I do not want to live my life without him. I can, I just don't want to.

Thank you so much.
Edited for more detail

Please help. I am quickly approaching the end of my rope.

I only have a minute (I'm at work): Did you give him a Plan B letter? Did you outline the conditions he must meet before returning home?

If not, write that letter right now and post it here before showing it to WH.
Mulan

What kind of Plan B are you in if you are chatting with him on Monday?

Do you understand that means absolutely no contact or communication directly between you???

Did you write him a Plan B letter?
Have you exposed this affair to all friends and family??
Do you have an intermediary to protect you from seeing him or talking to him?


He is supposed to hate Plan B, but it won't work if he has access to you.
You need to put some things in place to prevent contact.

And stay away from OW, nothing good will come from talking to her any further.

OMG Thank youso much for responding. I actually found one here, copied it, changed a couple things and gave it to him. It did lay out the conditions and the fact that I am open to the relationship, ONLY if she is gone first.

I reminded him of that this morning. He wanted to come over and talk. I said I will only talk if she is completely gone. He never responded, which means he won't do it. I waited several hours before texting him the phrase " Therein the silence lies the answer" because when he doesn't answer it is because I have hit the nail on the head.

Welcome. You need to do a good solid Plan A before you go into Plan B. Plan A would be showing him what a great wife you can be, with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts. I see no problem with him seeing the kids at your home, unless he is violent.

Also be sure to see an attorney to establish child support. He needs to be paying that while he is having his affair.

Affairs never last, so hang in there.

HM --

Plan B means DARKNESS. No phone calls, no visits to "talk", no text messages....

He will stay on the fence as long as he has both of you. You need to shake him off of it by total SILENCE and DARKNESS.

No fixes of YOU.

Lexxy, I could ask my SIL to be an intermediary. I did a good Plan B for a week. I got weak then and backed off a little and talked to him because he came to the house for the first time in 2 or 3 weeks and started making comments about it. I said you don't live here so don't worry about it. OUr house needs work, and I have done nothing but work on it. It actually looks better now that it did when he was here!!

I need A LOT of help with my Plan B. I also need a lot of butt kicking and checking. I have days where I am so weak, and days where I am feeling the strongest I ever have.

I desperatelly need everyones help.

When I did my plan A, he mentioned noticing a difference in me. He kept asking Why now? After us having a fairly rocky marriage due to his ex wife and bith WS and my inability to deal with her.

I assumed it was great that he noticed, but he kept blowing us off. I kept getting hurt and decided I can't see him right now.

But that was before. I guess I screwed up the Plan B. Now what??

OK --
So we need to get you back on track with these plans.

Have you read "surviving an affair"??

If not, buy it or check it out from the library.

Right now, since you are back in contact with him decide if there are any other things you want to re-address in Plan A. Now is the time to do that before you re-start your Plan B. Are you happy with your Plan A? Did you meet his needs and demonstrate changes that will make your marriage work?

So, first of all -- which plan do you want to be in right now?

I looked for it at our library and honestly looked up the wrong author. I will go tonight. I did read Love Must be Tough. Helped me a lot.

He wants to spend time at our house. I want him there, but it KILLS me to know that when he leaves our house, he goes back into hers.

I could have done a MUCH better plan A. I did to much relationship talk. To clingy at first. I stopped doing that about two months ago. Then I pulled away, but we talked all the time. Everyday actually. He was very obviously getting his EN's met by me. However, if he had something better to do, he would ditch us and not even call. He did that several times, even after he made plans to come be with me.

I guess I need advice on which Plan I should be in.

Can you give it ONE MONTH?

Very very specifically One Month of Plan A perfection.
Meet his needs.
Avoid all Lovebusters (including relationship talks...)
Expose his affair. Get your list together....his parents, his employer, OW's parents, etc.

In the meantime, start organizing yourself. So that when you go to Plan B, you can do it right. You've already violated your own boundry, so take advantage.

Choose an intermediary so that when May 24th arrives you can go COMPLETELY DARK AND SILENT.
Make a list of conditions he will have to meet (personally -- quitting that job would be on my list!)
Put a new letter together -- AND STICK TO IT.

I can do one month.

I did expose to everyone I possibly could. Certain members of his family are my biggest supporters. They cannot walk through the bar he works at without the both of them being yelled at and threatened. So everyone knows.

Should I allow him to visit at my house?

Not only "allow" but INVITE him over. Invite him for dinner. Invite him to stay. Shower him with attention and admiration. (Read some tips on how to be genuine and mean what you say!)

No relationship talks.
No angry outbursts.
No disrepectful judgements.
Don't question him (just assume he's lying most of the time and ignore it....)

Make your home the place he feels happiest and wants to be all the time.

Give it one month. Then **lovingly** send him back to OW, and take yourself out of the triangle. He will be desperate to come home and will meet your conditions.

I say you need to try Plan A a little longer. Continue fixing up the house, and clean it sparkling. Cut some flowers and put in vases. Have something yummy on the stove. Make it a warm and pleasant place to be.

What were the problems with his ex?

Here's something from Ark on Plan A -

I wrote this to familymatters about plan a this am...and then I read sindy post on plan a...so I"m threadjacking myself...

putting out there some of my musings of plan a..


FIRST thing is that I strongly strongly believe that before you even begin plan A...that you make a time limit for it...with plans to go to Plan B...
that for plan b to be effective you must have a good plan a...and for plan a to be effective and have the stamina to hang in there and give so unconditionally you must have a time frame in mind for plan b.....

Plan A is ALL about the assumption that the WS is still in the affair or in contact...
this is your map to navigating those treacherous waters...

it also is your big moment to diffuse all the excuses WS are prone to use to justify their behavior and choices....

and more you can diffuse their blame...

the bs is "always depressed"
the bs "always wants to talk about relationships"
the bs "is controlling"
the bs "yells all the time"
etc....

the more you remove those things...and the more you remove yourself from any powerstruggles of insanse things...

he said she said..
etc...
the more your disengage from arguements..again the more they have look at their own actions and choices....

here's what I told familymatters..One of the biggest mistakes that people make in plan A is that they begin to meet their spouses needs....and still hold on to great expectations of reward and reinforcement from their spouse....

plan a is ALL about learning to give and do for a bit with NO expectation of ANYTHING in return...

the giving of self and gifts with no strings attached....

I have quoted the silly add campaign for some perfume in the 70's here before...but I think it fits....

It went like this ...

"if you want to get someones attention...
whisper."..

plan a is like a whisper of behaviors and actions...
plan a should not be huge demonstrative expressions of love and romance...

WS are incapable of accepting those things...
part of that is that their actions at the time of continuing an affair are NOT loving and lovable...
and they KNOW it..
sometimes they know it better than their BS...who still want to use words like love to them...

so they get resentful
or shut down
or depressed..
or it solidifies their belief that they are so "bad" or so far gone...it feeds into their excuse and defense of unworthiness...

plan a is about filling the home with love and light in other ways...

it about an upbeat environment without the deep doom cloud hanging overhead..

it is about a home filled with children's activities and joy when applicable and it is about inviting and drawing the wS into those times and activities....

and even when they refuse to come in to the joy...the joy goes on without them...

And from Lori - long but worth it


Ok, so you guys do realize that I tend to get wordy and talk WAYYYYY too much and you STILL want me to do this, right? I'm gonna touch on a lotta stuff here. I'd shied away from posting lately, but I've actually been ASKED my opinion!! You guys don't know what a mind-field you've set off here!!

Now, I'm not particularly wise and wonderful, but I can share with you my experiences and feelings, but that's all. And sometimes those feelings don't follow the norm, so be forewarned.

OK, history first, I guess. One Monday, last spring, Robert walked in after work. He leaned over to kiss me and I said "Hi, Honey, I love you." He said, "Hi. I love you, too, but not like I used to - we need to talk." That was my last kiss. And the night of the "I love you but not IN love with you stuff." Also the last "I love you" in any form.

Within a week, he didn't love me at all, couldn't stand the sight of me, our marriage had been a mistake and he wished he had never married me. Knew our relationship had been a mistake since the beginning (TEN YEARS???) and it never should have happened. Kristin (my daughter from my first marriage) didn't care for him at all and never would. His family couldn't stand us and we had ruined his life. He couldn't count the number of times he had wished I had been in an accident and died so that he could be released from these "pits of ******". We had NEVER had a good time, never really cared for each other like we should - he couldn't even remember the fun times. And on and on....All this was news to me! We were the couple that most people envied! We had had a hard couple of years, Mom's cancer, Papa's death, but I had NO idea. I wanted to die.

THEN, he told me about PT. She made him feel WONDERFUL. He finally knew what true love really was and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He adored her 3 year old and she loved him. I had NEVER made him feel this way, we were never meant to be, etc......you know the stuff, right? The knife turned. We've all been there.

So, I came here and lurked. And cried. And couldn't sleep, 30 pounds in 30 days, all the standard stuff. One month later, he left to be with her.

When he left, I didn't know where he was. He didn't contact us, not even Kristin. He spent some time visiting his mom, but eventually, cut away from them as well. She was my greatest strength through this mess. Now, don't get me wrong, she welcomed PT into her home, the whole family did. They were afraid they'd lose Robert if they didn't. His sister called me and told me that Robert was finally happy and I should "move on". (Man, I hate those words, what DO they really mean???) But Mom called me daily once she found out what was going on and tried to spy as much as possible. We've gotten closer than I ever imagined we could be.

PT and Robert set up house. He already had her moved into a new place b/f he left. They opened joint bank accounts, he brought her HERE when I wasn't here to get some of his things, set her up with OUR doctor (she supposedly didn't have one), took her all around OUR town (they lived an hour away) as his girlfriend. Told everyone he ran into that we were through. In VA, you have to be separated for 6 months to get divorced and he said as soon as that time was over, we were done. Taught Leah (PT's daughter) to call him "Daddy". (That hurt worse than ANYTHING, believe it or not.) No financial support whatsoever. Took two vehicles so PT could have one. He called infrequently - when he needed something (until the last month), came by rarely, usually to pick up something or hunt. Didn't give me his address or phone number. Was cold and mean to me - wouldn't talk to Kristin at all hardly (except for once or twice during the whole time.) He was someone I didn't even know.

The first time I posted here, Deb responded first...."You'll be ok, you CAN get through this, there are things you can do." Ok, so there was NO way she could know..I mean, she could NEVER have hurt like I did, loved like I did, been treated as horribly as I was. Ok, I was wrong. She DID know! And she was right - so was everyone else.

I owe my friends here my life. They calmed me down. Showed me I wasn't alone. Cried with me, took deep breaths with me, got me through way too many sleepless nights, laughed with me, and kicked me in the butt and outta feeling sorry for myself when I needed it. I think that was the most important thing of all. And helped me find something to laugh at in the midst of all this mess. I soon discovered I was looking forward to waking every morning.

So, like she said, the rawness eased - the hurt found it's place, continuous sorta, but in it's place. I started paying attention to what people were trying to teach me, got rid of my stubborness and self-righeousness. Ordered books, read, read, read! And started thinking.

You know, Robert couldn't come up with one specific thing about me as a wife that was bad. Even said so himself. But, once I got rid of the old ideas and opened my mind, I COULD!!! I mean, I had worked my butt off to be a good wife, but..... You've heard me say before that he broke the vow of fidelity, but I broke a lot of them too - unknowingly. I wasn't the best PERSON I could be and therefore, not the best wife either.

And I thought about him too. I'd known this man for fifteen years - through good times and what I THOUGHT were bad times (this mess sorta changes your perspective!!) This was not him...to abandon us, leave us to starve. He and Kristin were "joined at the hip". To say now that he never really loved her, just cared for her? Something was definitely not right. This was NOT him....not from my experience, or that of his family and friends (who he had now begun to turn his back on.) Sooo.....

Well, after reading a few books on the nature of affairs, looking realistically at my contributions to the state of our marriage, listening to my betrayer friends on this site, I started to understand. It took away the sting of his words and actions. Didn't erase it - just took the edge off. Through Harley's books and others, I learned about marriages and affairs. From Phil McGraw, I learned about myself. I was insatiable. My basic personality is to DO something. Now, I had a bit of understanding, AND something I could do! I got stronger and stronger. Sure, there were bad days. Thanksgiving and New Years come to mind, as well as one notable weekend w/ two love-busting letters. (BTW, I found out that he was thinking hard about coming home at that point and my letters talked him right out of it! The power of a love buster!! I'm glad - I wasn't where I needed to be yet!) As I grew stronger, I felt freer. I realized that I had the power. He didn't keep me going, I realized it was up to me to do that, and to keep HIM going, too! Even though he didn't know it.

First decision. Do I love my husband? Yup, more than life itself - not the things he's doing now, but the man he truly is inside. Second. Do I want my marriage back? Nope - but I want a better one. Third - Am I ready to work for it? Absolutely!! I asked myself these three questions every single day. Every morning, before I got out of bed, I asked myself these questions. Same answer.

So I loved him. And respected and believed in the man I KNEW was inside. I learned to look PAST this behavior and into the soul of the man that I was convinced was still there. And tried to understand the torture he was going through - even though he didn't THINK he was. I knew now, right? I took the good little signs and they sustained my love. I blew off the bad stuff as part of the addiction. So it wouldn't KILL my love. I believed in him and lit a candle (still do, for us and all my friends) and every time I passed it, I told him I loved him and I believed in him. The coolest part was I was also beginning to believe in ME!! TNT taught me that, the power of words and belief.

Since I couldn't talk to him, I wrote a letter to him once a week and sent it to his mom's. Pop would deliver it to work for me. They were light, funny, flirty, news from home - like he was away from camp and homesick!! Works of art that I worked hard on at first, then seemed to come more easily. Somewhere in each letter, when appropriate, I compared something that I was telling him with a good memory of ours (and then this happened and you know it was just like when we....)and laughed about it. I ended each one with "I love you and I will always believe in you." I never took off my rings. He commented on that once - asked why I was wearing them - really angry sounding. I told him I loved him, I was married to him and I would always be married to him in my heart. He looked annoyed at first, looked like he was gonna yell at me and then got quiet for a minute. Then, with a strange look on his face, he said quietly "Thank you, Lori." I laughed and flirted when I saw him. Once or twice, I teared up, but not often. I saved that for when I was alone. At the end of each of the few visits, I hugged him goodbye and said "I love you." I got nothing except "You DO know I'm getting a divorce and marrying PT - no matter what. And even if I didn't marry her, I'll never come back." I just told him to do what he needed to do, but I'd always love him. I never discussed PT with him, never mentioned her name. I never discussed us or our marriage. If he brought it up, I'd just say I loved him and I wanted what would make him happy. No more. He'd just look at me like I had lost my mind.

At first it was "pretending". But I was working on me too, with the help of my favorite book by Phil McGraw. And I wasn't sitting around waiting. I continued to love him, but I had a daughter to raise and life was happening. I knew I couldn't support us and keep this house. She couldn't stay in private school. And I didn't have much time. I knew my job would be ending, just didn't know when. So I enrolled her in public school, started working on the house to sell it. Went to HS football games, shopping with friends, movies with the kids, whatever. I enjoyed more days than I didn't. And grew stronger. So, soon, I didn't have to pretend. During this time, I forgave him. Don't remember when or how, just all of a sudden, realized that I wasn't angry and didn't hold anything against him. Robert had held marriage sacred, had always been there for me, no matter what. Had NO respect whatsoever for any SOB who would stray and was very verbal about it. For a good, kind and decent man - the most wonderful man I ever knew to turn his back on everything that had ever been important to him - something was wrong. And I couldn't love him and not forgive him for something that took him over so completely. I learned to laugh. I began sleeping, I began to live. But I didn't stop loving him. I think THAT'S moving on.

Around Dec. he started calling a bit more, bogus reasons, favors he needed. Still talking divorce. But finally communicating a bit. I just listened. Never talked about us. See, now I wasn't "playing" him to get him back. I was REALLY his friend! You know? I cared about him, loved him and wanted what was best for him. Like a real friend would. So, it was getting easier most of the time. Of course, I still wanted him back, but, I wasn't obsessing anymore. He called one day at work, wanted the Dr.'s phone number and wound up getting really nasty with me. I patiently listened and let him talk, no matter what he said, and eventually discovered that he had had a seizure, the first in 20 years, the Friday b/f. Once I thought about it and the way I know my husband is, I realized he could've looked the phone number up in the directory. He needed to talk - he was scared. And, for him, scared turns into angry. And I was the target. Why? Because I was the one he could trust. And I was there for him. I found out later, I was right. Without even realizing it, when he got scared, he turned to me.

In January, I got the letter telling me he was about to file. It was time to "get it over with." And 4 days later, he asked to come home. We took a month to make the transition and see each other. He still had not said "I love you." That came during that month. So did our first conversations about us since that very first week. I found out later that he thought he came home b/c he decided he SHOULD. Now, it didn't hurt that PT had been a B**** and I had become someone he enjoyed being around. He told his family he really "liked" me now - I was still Lori, but "more somehow". And I really liked me too - a whole lot more than I did before. I was very proud of myself for what I was doing - for my marriage and for me personally. That shines through, I think. It seems that he had been doing a lot of thinking - for practically the whole time. And then, one day, he heard a song, and it stuck in his head, reminding him of committment and all that stuff. He pushed it away and wrote that letter - fighting the thoughts. Well, on his way over here on Saturday, he heard it again. And he decided. He couldn't "move on" until he had finished this. He was coming over to fix my dryer for me (the FIRST thing he had ever offered to do) and wound up taking me for a ride and asking to come home. No real romance there, guys.

The first few weeks were unsettling. PT pulled hard and so did his emotions. There's so much guilt and other stuff. He said he wanted to move out on day 3. He tested me constantly to see if I was real and if my love was real. And, then, very slowly, he became strong. And we began to fall in love. And now, he tells me he loves me forever, loved me even when he didn't love me (that makes sense to me for some reason) and that he's 100% "in love" with me (I hate THAT phrase, too, but I'll take it from him! ) He also says he admires my courage, respects me for respecting him, even when I had no reason to, and that my believing in him made him strong. I don't take credit for all that, but it sure feels good to hear it.

Ok, now for opinions. Don't blast me, ok? I never felt humiliated or shamed. We made mistakes and bad judgements, but...stuff happens. I had small spurts of anger - at specific THINGS he did and said, but anger has never come easily for me - I believe it's simply another way of showing hurt, so I never really had to deal with the slow burning continuous anger - I just let myself hurt and dealt with it. Tootrusting is right - we can't force them. THEY have to figure it out on their own. All we can do is be there and love them - if we choose to.... and that's what it is - a choice. We're not doormats or any such nonsense. We're strong and independent and coping with a difficult situation, thank you. And this is NOT for wimps! I can't think of anything less doormatty (like that word? ) than standing strong for what you believe in in the face of all the nonsense. But I'd be there for my child and I decided I'd sure as ****** be there for my husband as long as he'd let me - and sometimes, even when he wouldn't. A lot of times it would've been a lot easier to run - For my short time, I chose the other path.

Robert didn't decide "all of a sudden". All those months of Plan A (I just do NOT have a Plan B personality!) were slowly building impressions that were eating away at his subconscious. When the time was right, a trigger (the song) brought them to the surface. I'm not so sure that he really did it to "do the right thing." I think that's the excuse for doing what he wanted to do, know what I mean? I mean, his love just grew too quickly to have just been "doing the right thing." He didn't change his mind quickly. Everything was slowing bringing him back to reality - we just couldn't see it. PT was being a B*****. I was being an angel. The fog was wearing thin. The letter was a last grasp to hang on to the "I'll never go back" thing. Fighting back against those nagging thoughts. I found out later that every time he left here, no matter how awful he was to me, he went home and was MORE awful to PT - or quiet and sullen. Then, he'd go out and do something WONDERFUL for her.....trying to hold on, know what I mean? Remember the little Dutch boy? A tiny hole in a dam is NOT a big thing. But that little bit of water, seeping through, DOES eventually break it down! That's Plan A. That's what happened to Robert, I think and so does his mom. It didn't happen all of a sudden, the damn dam just finally broke against the consistant gentle force of the water!!! (I just LOVE analogies - even corny ones!)

OK, warned you this would be long and I don't even know if I've helped at all. The saddest part is that it WAS longer....I actually pared it down a bit! TNT summed it up better than me.

Ok, so that's the closest I can come to a nutshell version. If I missed a question, let me know. I'll try NOT to be so wordy the next time around.

Good luck to you.

Love and prayers,

Lori

--

OK!! I did it!! i invited him over last night and HE ATE UP MY PLAN A!!!!!

One thing my WS craves from me is being babied.So when he called to make sure it was ok that he come over and to verify that I had already said we ARE NOT talking about us today...he made mention that he had a bad cold (sounded and looked fine to me)

I said ok then I will make you soup. Once he got there I gave him his soup and VERY PATHETIC LIKE said my stomach is also upset. And I have a cold. So I laid it on. Not thick, but enough to act caring. I know this is one thing he ALWAYS USES to get me to pay attention to him.

We had a really nice time. We talked about the house and I asked if he wanted to help me with the yardwork. We bought this house in August and it needs a TON of yard work. That is another EN that he has. He desperatelly wants to be involved with this house. So we discussed what we were going to do with the yard and the colors to paint the interior etc...he ate it up.

HE INITIATED R talk!!! I mentioned I went out with my friend D and he asked what she thought we should do about what is going on. I said D knows us and thinks we can work it all out. Then i ended the R talk. He started it again and I changed the subject because we were doing well and I didn't want to jinx it.

He asked if he could come over tonight and I ok! I asked him this morning what he wanted for dinner etc. The only thing is I have expectations of him cancelling. He allready said his plan was to come, but depending on how late he has to work at the day job, he may not be able to make it.

My conditions for coming home were:

1) ZERO contact with her or anyone else involved in this mess

2) Quit the bar (he is baulking at the one)

3)Counseling

way to go HM!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds like a great evening!
You have a HUGE advantage over OW, you KNOW him. You KNOW his needs. And she can never fill the domestic support and family committment emotional needs -- only you can!

You did a great job when the topic turned to "relationship" and its perfect that he initiated it. You need to keep repeating "we can fix this...we can have a better marriage than ever before..."

Ok -- so tonight, same thing. Maybe for this weekend plan some yard work that he can come help you with (men LOVE to be the hero!) So show APPRECIATION for any tasks he does.
Like "oh you did such a great job of mowing, it looks so nice" "it makes such a difference, you are great at landscaping...." (whatever -- just make it sincere and heartfelt)

Continue to ASK him for help at home and with the kids -- then appreciate what he does.

How old are your kids by the way?
Are you a stay at home mom?

What was the big fight about in December?

And can you identify the conditions in your marriage prior to your separation that you need to work on?

My kids are 11 and almost 10 from a previous marriage. Then WS and I have 2 girls 3 1/2 and almost 2. My WS LOVES children. We wanted a big family. He is now with this girl who HATES children. She LB's him all over the place. I heard her say it to him and tell me when she called me that night.

She admittingly is trying to keep him from us. She called him niave. Stupid. Pitiful. She said she doesn't trust him. WS is from Boston and has a beautiful accent. That is one thing that I love. She openly mocks and hates it. My H is a die hard Boston fan. He loves his accent. He loves that fact that he is from there, and so do I actually. So to hear her say that kinda hurt me too. Make sense? Everything that makes him him, she hates. Openly!! She also calls him constantly! I counted 12 calls in a 15 minute time frame. Then I would see WS calling his voice mail, and never calling her back. I think she is a little whacko.

The fight was about him always doing things for his friends and not me. I needed help with one box in the basement. He claimed he had a headache (he gets REALLY BAD migraines..stress induced) and I was being pushy. I got mad and he did too and packed up his stuff and was trying to leave. I was trying to stop him and he wouldn't listen so I smacked him. He smacked me back and was instantly devastated. I pushed him away because I was so angry that he wanted to leave. That was the end (or rather the beginnig) of this.

About a month ago I told him I loved him. He said he loved me too.

I can identify ALL the issues we have. I have been really trying to work on me. I am really bad with angry outbursts and DJ's. I am impatient. I have worked really hard on these things. I also have worked on my listening skills. I was in such a bad state that everything was about me. I have learned to listen and give others the attention they require. We were both stubborn. When we both wanted something we just did it even if the other didn't approve.

Now, we can talk and listen to each other and not get angry. When the conversation starts to look like it could get ugly, we both stop and come back to that subject later. Our communications skills have improved TREMENDOUSLY through this.

We still have such a strong connection. A strong Bond. How can he still be gone???