Have you asked about the NC letter, and the other things that you need to recover....

Is he willing to do that?

We didn't get a chance to talk specifically about the letter. He does know my conditions for coming home. The only one he has baulked at is quitting his bar job. He didn't care that he couldn't talk to or see OW.

I cried this morning for the first time in a very long time.

Last night he was supposed to come over. He of course had the excuse of being sick. Well he called to talk to DD who is 3, and she didn't want to talk to him. Then after I made her talk to him, she sounded SO PUT OFF by him, then talked for literally a minute and hung up on him. I am sure that helped him to see the err of his ways.

Just from the sound of it, I would be very careful...excuses last night...

Did you read FaithfulCJ's thread on how to tell if the WS is ready for recovery?

i'll find it and bump it up...

The thread name is how to tell when it's time to end plan B...I'm sure that the same would be the case in your sitch...

The same signs...

He keeps telling me he is lost. I asked him what whatever happens happens means. I asked if he was happy now and he just says this isn't about me.

Is this the old You deserve better and I am going to leave you because of what I have done routine?

He is apologizing for everything.Telling me he knows he has F'ed everything up. He just wants things to be normal again. The sad thing is he sounds so sincere.

He's right this IS NOT about you...this is about him and what's he's done...

His words are great but you really need to look at his actions...

Do you think that things can "go back to normal?" This is not something to sweep under the rug and if that's what he wants to do...

i'm sorry I have to stop in the middle of the post and lost my line of thoughts...

LOL...so much for trying to work and post at the same time...

When he said this is not about me, he meant himself.

I asked if this was about her and he wouldn't answer. He said he can tell me specifically, just not right now.

He stopped answering any of my questions. What is this?? Is this what they do? Can I go to Plan B now?

The only thing is that he has never said he doesn't want me. He will say he wants a divorce so he doesn't hurt me anymore, or that he doesn't know what he wants, but he has never denied not wanting me

He is really confused right now...do yourself a favor and don't read into anything...

No, plan b is not what you need to do right now...Keep Plan Aing...

Do you know for a fact that the A has ended?

Yes, this is about him...not about her or you, or your DD...

breathe and stay still...don't pressure him right now...let him come to you...

It does appear that he is willing but let his actions speak for him...

If you have made it clear what you need to recover trust that he knows...b/c he does...

I understand how hard this is for you right now but to your best to remain calm, sit back and focus on you and what you need...

Ok..my hardest thing to do is to lay off. I just sent him a message telling him the choice is his. Only he can decide what is best.

I don't think the A is over. He has sworn up and down they are only friends. But he also swore to me that he wasn't living there. I can't/won't believe anything he says.

I did do one thing wrong. I told him it was his choice but I hope he sees what everyone else sees in her. That she is delibrately trying to do this to you.

That was a LB. I know. I wish I could take it back even though it was true.

I need a ton of support. I all of a sudden feel like this blob of mush. I have moved on with myself, and he knows it. He sees it. Everything about me has changed. Clothes, hair, attitude, house, friends, etc. He know it. I was doing so good then all of a sudden I feel horrible. Like my heart is empty again.

I read Sadmo's post and I was like that up until a couple days ago. I was happy for her!

Now it is "No one knows the real me. I am F'ed up. My brother told me to get fixed before we got married and I wish I did"

Is this fogspeak? He loves our girls. He keeps telling me he is confused and messed up.

Keep your speeches to: we can fix this.
End your affair and come home.

Otherwise stay off of the relationship talks. Let him do that with HER....how much fun will that be???

When was D-day? How long have you been plan Aing?

Don't believe that Friend [email]cr@p...that's[/email] a bunch of BS...all lip service from my experience...

What was the time line that you set before going into plan b?

Good to know that you are aware of your mistake...you need a really strong plan A before heading into plan B...it doesn't sound like you have that yet...JMHO...

I was happy for Sadmo too...it really sounds like you started focusing of WH and you may need to refocus on yourself to get back in the game...

It also sounds like you ahve done some REALLY GREAT THINGS and I applaud you! YOU can do this! YOU are doing it...

Don't kick yourself to hard for today, but let him come to you...

If it helps go back and read Sadmo's posts again...return that focus to yourself...

Keep your head up and is there anyway that you can verify that he's not living with her and that the A is over...cell phone calls, anything?

He is laying it on SO THICK!!! He is so down today..but one of his emotional needs is to talk. So by me not doing the R talk, that isn't meeting a need. Is that a good thing I take it?

The A is still going on and he still lives there. I know it. No need to verify.

D Day was beginning of Feb. I was a MESS for so long. My counselor referred me to this site. And to Love Must be Tough. She told me to get a grip, but even on AD it took me so long. I tried to do a plan A starting in the middle of Feb. Valentines day actually. But I kept finding out more and more things and it just hurt me so bad. I would get out of the rut and find myself back in it. WH was also VERY good at manipulating me. He would pick me up and make me feel like things were good, only to have him slam me back down again. It was awful.

Then one day in the end of march I had my wake up. It was his bday, and we made hima cake. He took us out to talk to me. He said he was depressed. He needed to see a dr. That was the extent of the convo. We came back to the house and he said he had to leave. That the guys at the bar had a party for him and he needed to go. I said what about your family and the cake we made for you? He got in his truck and sped out of my driveway. The girls and I had a party without him.

Then my final awakening came when he was trying to leave the house to go to a job interview. At 7 at night <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> DD was SO UPSET that he was leaving. She cried and hung on his leg and begged him to take her. Imagine the scene in Hope Floats. He was nice for about 5 seconds, then got mad and threw her off his leg and ran out the garage door and slammed it in her face. When she opened the door he had then slammed down the garage door so she couldn't come out. She was devestated. I picked up my sobbing baby and held her until she quietly said "I hate him" and I lost it. He never called that night to even see how she was doing. I will never forget seeing her go through that. It was so awful.

So, I guess the question is how much longer do YOU feel that you can take this mess...do you feel strong enough right now to Plan B...

I truely think that Plan A needs to be six months but I'll have to check on it...

I am so sorry for the pain that this alien is causing you and your babies...sounds like you have done some Awesome work...

just my 2 cents but i'm not sure that's it's a good idea to talk with R talk right now...could you be enabling him with that?he is definitily cake eating, living with OW and still trying to maintain your M...

perhaps you should change part of you thread name and ask whether the pros can direct you better in your next step...

HM --

Most of his conversation is going to be justifying why he's doing what he's doing.
Or trying to convince you to go along (peacefully) with the separation or divorce.
Or to get you to agree that you never should have gotten married.
Or for you to share the blame of the marriage falling apart.

Why do you want to get in the middle of THAT?

Make your conversations flirty and fun. BE THE OW. Weird huh? But its time to seduce him away from OW, by meeting his needs.

Talking might be a need, and you can fill it -- but steer the conversation away from things that will spiral down.

And please remember this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Take your time, make sure things "stick".
False recoveries are PAINFUL....

Be sure of him, be sure the affair is OVER, before you let him come home.

I completely agree with Lexxxy...

OK. No more R talk. No matter how much he wants it. Be happy and fun. He was so down. My heart was breaking. But I know he needs to be where he is. I hope I didn't screw this up. I know I have been doing a really bad Plan A!!

I sent him a text saying Ok, lay off the us talk. Come over tonight and lets just play. come and be happy with me!!

Why is he so good at sucking me in???!!!!!!

how about more flirty...play up to him...

"Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry that you are feeling bad, why don't you come over after the girls go to sleep and I'm give you a rub down?"

You know they love to be babied!

Ok. More flirty. More sexual.

I started to send him dirty jokes. We would talk about sex all the time...

OK..be desirable...