You're all over the place.

I don't think anyone can help you until you settle down and commit to a plan.

You kick him out, you demand that he come back, you yell at him, you try being sweet, you refuse to talk to him, you leave him messages.....WTF???

I can hardly keep up with you. I can imagine how spun in circles he must feel.

His affair is disintigrating before your very eyes -- and yet you cannot make yourself and the safe place for him to come to???

He needs to go stay somewhere else while he works on his issues. He's not worthy of you yet. W's place is FAR PREFERABLE TO OW's....and yet you are ranting at him like he's committed a crime!!!

What are you trying to accomplish?

I thought he was home. He came home and said he was staying. Then he said he was done with her, but when she went to the bar he acted like it was no big deal.

I didn't ask him to leave. I wanted him to stay. After I was upset because of the bar situation, he went and got the room.

I didn't ask him to leave at all. I asked him to stay on the couch.

I am so tired. I have 4 kids, 2 dogs, and a house I can't take care of my own. I have a husband who comes and goes as he pleases. I don't sleep and I have a full time job. Lexxy I am just tired. I have been doing this for 6 months and I am just tired.

I want so much to be in plan normal. I let myself start to expect things. Such as him sitting in our home telling me he wants to be home, and us planning on rebuilding ourselves and going to FL without the kids for some time together. Then the bar thing. Then he doesn't come back to the house that night.

I did tell him that the honesty about her being there was great. I don't know....I don't know what I am doing. I was so hurt.

he wants to take it slow. I agreed. But i thought he was coming home. Lexxy I am so sorry. What is wrong with me?

HM --
I wasn't referring to this weekend -- but the pattern you've been telling us about since this all started.

Plan A is all about giving giving giving with no expectation of recieving. Do you have it in you?
I don't know -- only you do.

I feel that you are setting yourself up for more disappointment and drama by insisting that he come home.
He is not "done" with OW....even with the big drama event on Friday night. She's not done contacting him and trying to hurt you. She's a scary mess -- why do you want to invite any of that into your home and your childrens lives?

Much better that he find an inbetween place for awhile.
You can CALMLY do Plan A (which he is responding to until you unleash on him....). He needs to get through with OW and all her drama -- 100% through. Then when he comes to you REPENTANT and SORRY for what he's done, then you can make some demands.

But save your demands for recovery. You are not there yet.

Can you get a grip on yourself?
I know you're tired. But we only said Plan A for ONE MONTH. You haven't even been able to stick with it for a WEEK. And everytime you do the FU plan, you undo all your Plan A.

HM,

What do you want?

Figure it out

Write it down

Then next to that FINISHED list, write down HOW you intend to make it happen!

Be specific.

Cover both the SHORT and LONG term things.

Have a PLAN for your next conversation with WH (short term)

Then also have a LONG TERM PLAN.

As Lexxxy says,




Write in sentences.

A short term would be - "I HolyMoly will put aside my pain for this next conversation with WH and tell him SPECIFICALLY how much I love him and WHY"

Or whatever one of his TOP EN's are. Do you even KNOW what his top EN's are?



A longer term would be - "I will FULLY COMMIT to reading and reading and re-reading SAA and HN/HN. "

You can't work these plans if you don't understand them. One time thru these books is NOT enough.

So, do you want your M to make a Plan and stick to it?

You can succeed!!!

He just keeps telling me whatever happens, happens and if we are meant to be together it will be that way. He wants to see me tonight. He said he really is excited about seeing me. Even after last night.

Do I want my marriage? yes.
Am I strong enough? Thought I was.

So our new Plan B date is June 7. I really need a lot of support because I can tell you I AM NOT GETTING SUPPORT ANYWHERE ELSE. My family is so angry with me. I don't get help with my kids. The house. My emotions. Nothing. It is me and only me and when I thought he was home I had this huge sigh of relief.

So send the 2x4's, but please send some encouragement too.

I will try and get to the library tonight. Maybe he can watch the kids so I can run over there.

I have spent ALL weekend telling him why I love him and why I want him to come home. He was so depressed on Sun that was ALL he asked me. I told him as many times as he needed to hear it.

He swwears he is done with her...but if he can let her sit in that bar then you are right. He is not done. I guess that hurt me too.

Lexxy do you really see Plan A working at all? I feel so discouraged because he didn't stay. I know I shouldn't but

All the positive things you have reported have to do with PLAN A -- so YES! most definitely it is WORKING!

But you're getting in the way of it, hon!
So -- are you on anti-depressants? It might help you calm your moods and emotions. Be able to deal less emotionally and reactively. Get into your Dr.

If you can't get to the library -- do more reading on this site -- about Plan A.

I am on AD's....my DD however took everything out of my purse and I can't find where she threw them. I haven't had them in about 4 days and I am now PMS'ing and no meds. Ugly combo....

I have read on this site about Plan A, and I have read Love Must be Tough.

OK..so when he sees me tonight I say NO US TALK. He wants to take it one day at a time. I am also very grateful and how if I get upset, he is very understanding. He has never really faulted me for that. He says it is ok. Don't worry. We will be ok and then moves on.

SO TONIGHT...The rules are:

No us talk
Smile
Have fun
Be happy
Enjoy each other.

It was really great to have him stay that one night. I felt so good. I told him that too. Even though he was on the couch it felt great!

Oh and when he showed up Fri night/Sat morn...when I ran out to meet him in the driveway, He was sitting in the truck. He had a fat lip from where she headbutted him. I touched it and he just laid his head in my hand and kissed it. God I miss him.

HM,,


The good things you are doing in Plan A ARE working.

As Lex says, stop getting in the way of your own success.

Find those meds!

Stick to your plan.

Keep reading about Plan A.

You can do this!!

Bug I have printed out the questionaire. I have read the article. I will admit to not knowing them as well as others here do.

I do need help with perfecting the Plan A. I am really sucking over here. I need a lot of encouragement. I have ZERO support system. Everyone here says "I will support whatever you want, but you better not come to me crying." That was my mother. My SIL just said " I will support you but what the he77 are you doing???"

See? You guys are my ONLY source of help. And my SIL who will help me, but is to the point now of if he hurts you so bad, it is ok to give up. But I don't want to give up but I am getting weary. NOW is obviously the time to really battle since the A is fizzled...but I really need a pick me up.

So..help with the short term plan?

I am off to do the reading of Plan A and EN again.

I did an online search at the library for the books and would you believe they don't have them??!! I put in a request for an interlibrary loan, so hopefully they contact me soon.

So actually what happened this weekend (aside from me being stupid) was a really good thing. Even though he didn't come home and he can still technically see her if he wants? THAT is the part that sucks!

HM-

Read EVERYTHING on the website, not just specific to Plan A. Basic Principals are where to start.

You do NOT SUCK! You are doing the best you can in the MOST difficult of situations.

As I have been told time & time again, this is a MARATHON not a sprint, so you need to condition yourself accordingly.

You will find lots of great support here, so hang in there!

HM --

The affair won't be over in a day. It didn't start that way, and it won't end that way.
These things tend to drag on and on. Its your challenge to IGNORE it.
Because right now, its going YOUR WAY. You KNOW how much conflict there is in affairland! So be the happy place for him!!!!
OMG -- you have such a GREAT OPPORTUNITY! OW is WRECKING everything positive about their relationship! She is self-destructing before your eyes!
So it won't take much at ALL for you to be the better choice! Just stay away from the emotional outbursts. And no anger, and no guilt, and no crying.
BE FUN. BE FLIRTACIOUS. BE HAPPY.
(but don't expect that to FIX everything immediately!!!)
And most of all BE CONSISTANT!!!!!

He's very wary of you right now -- that things will go back to the negative spiral they were on before. You have to demonstrate that things can stay GOOD permanently.
So be consistant!

I have read a lot on the site and think that the plans and ideas here are exactly what I have been looking for. I was actually brought here by my counselor. She counsels based on this site.

I have butterflies about seeing him tonight. I actually worry now about what I am going to wear and if my hair looks good. Ya know, the things I should have been doing all along!!!!!

Ok..back to reading!

Bugs:

THREADJACK:


You are the Plan A Goddess now... (with LilSis in Plan B)

Here you offering support to others!

YOU GO!

THREADJACK OVER

HM:

You do have this A on the Ropes.

Next time he's working, make sure the kids are taken care of and go and spend the evening at the bar.

If he can text you all evening he can talk to you in person.

And you can chase away OW that way.

You are the brightest flashlight to OW's cockroach.

OK?

After reading other posts, I have a few thoughts on my WH. Let me know what you think.

1) WH has repeatedly said he would NEVER take my girls around the OW. He does not want them near her. He has admitted to her not being the kind of person he wants these girls to look up to. He has however told me one reason he loved me was because he KNEW I was someone his DD (prior marriage) could look up to.

2) He actually WANTS to spend time with me. He wants very much to be at the house.

Can I blame last night on PMS? Are we allowed to do that at MB?

LG I was going to go to the bar that night but my friends would not let me leave. They are SO AGAINST me doing this. I told them I was doing it anyway. I didn't have my car or else I would have gone. Next time I will.

Actually, next Saturday is my Bday. That would be a great time to have my friends come with me to the bar as a support system.

After Sat and Sun I stood in the shower crying and praying saying HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS. Then I kinda think Plan FU maybe woke him up a little bit. Made him think a little bit? He told me he spent all night thinking about me. However, NO MORE PLAN FU. EVER. I SWEAR.

One thing I learned from this is that I always thought I was his rock. What I didn't realize was that he was actually mine. I was just to stupid to notice.

HE JUST SENT ME A TEXT SAYING HE WAS REALLY EXCITED TO SEE ME TONIGHT!!! YAY!!

HM - -



Ok, time to make your Plan for tonight!

As you have read on my thread, Mimi helped me to remember the Goddess inside!

We know that your H fell in love with you. Remember that woman and BE her again!

Have a GREAT evening! Enjoy the time together!

OMG. I just typed this really long post about last night and my computer ate it...ugh..

We met at the park and had an awesome time! I was cute and flirty and so was he!

We ran around and played with each other like we were one of the kids! He was swinging the baby and I offered to push him! Well, I grabbed his butt and he smiled and gave me this look. I said What? I wanted to cop a feel! He siad I know and laughed!

He went to take the baby from me and I positioned her in a way where he had to touch my chest..and he took FULL advantage of taht one!!

He left around 7:30 to go back and set up his room. He called me about an hour later and said this:

WH: I wanted to call and say hey! I had a wonderful day today and I want to know if we can do it again tomm.

Me: Of course! Do you need anything for the room? Sheets, etc?

WH: No, they are really helping me out.

Me: Do you want your Red Sox stuff to hang on the walls to feel a little more comfy?

WH" No. This is only temporary. I am hoping things go well and I don't stay here very long.

Me: I hope so too.

WH: Can I come over after the park tomm night and you and I watch movies?

Me: I would love that!

I sent him a text later saying I hope he gets a good nights sleep and we love him.

This morning he sent a message saying he didn't' sleep well. I asked if a pic of the girls would help him and he said yes. We both said we were excited about tonight.

I am SO HAPPY!! After what he said, and reading Lexxy's post about OW self destructing...I think I have this in the bag. What do you think???

You certainly do!!!

Its just a matter of time!

Keep studying this site and how to work through triggers.
Don't let anything get you off your plan!

He may have to work at the bar tonight...blech..but he is going to try and get out of it so he can watch movies with me.

And even if he doesn't...I get to grab his butt at the park again today!!

I am SO happy. It helps knowing what he wants. Do I expect him to still question us and coming home and still have moments of complete WH as opposed to yesterdays obvious H?

One thng I wanted to do was to mend the broken relationship between WH, Me, His Ex, and his DD. I emailed the X 3 times, each of which saying how I wanted to start over with her.

Given the events of the last few days...do I show WH this email? Especially the divorce part, or let it go?


Oh wow! I am sorry. I just found this email today, in fact. I guess it really doesn't matter anymore, since I just spoke to him this past weekend. He told me that you guys are divorcing. So sorry to hear that. I thought you two were gonna make it, or at least that is what he had told me from our past conversations.

As for SDD. She hates her father, and she really does not like you either. WH has told me that you are to blame for reasons why he did not want to be with his daughter. For all the time you were married, he told me that he wanted to give up custody of DD. And again, this past weekend, when he called, he asked once again to give up custody. He wants my fiance to adopt my daughter. Real nice father he is. He has done nothing for either of us, and because of him, and YOU, I am in financial ruin. Those years that he failed to pay child support wrecked me, and continue to wreck me financially, since he NEVER helped me pay for Sammi's doctor/dentist bills, of which states in our divorce aggreement that he is responsible. Lucky for the both of you, I am a nice Christian person. I am not spiteful, or hateful, in any way. I have given Kevin the benefit of the doubt all the time, of which EVERYONE thought of me as a fool. Well, I am tired of being played as a fool, and so is my daughter. I am sorry for this attitude of mine, but YOU of all people was a major cause of Kevin not visiting with DD. I tried to have somewhat of relationship with you, and YOU, were a total ****** to me!!!!! YOU are a schmuck, just like he is a schmuck! I am surprised that you two are divorcing. You two are a match made in heaven! I never had any intentions EVER, of getting back with WH, like you may have thought so. He is an idiot, and he is very selfish person JUST LIKE YOU!

Before you start pointing your finger at WH, maybe you should start looking in the mirror at yourself. You too need to grow up, and maybe that is why WH finally got the smarts to leave your controlling, low self esteem, FAT [censored]!

What the ******! Thank you for ruining my daughter, YOU UGLY ******!

Thanks for nothing! Now I must go ask for forgiveness from GOD, because you have brought me down to pitiful, immature level!


Now...I DID NOT EVER DO THOSE THINGS. EVER. I would say it if I did. I was never to blame for this. She used to write him love leters that were 9 pages long. And yet she says now she never wanted him back. Things like that!!

I wanted to show him so he saw what she has done to me over the last 6 years, but on the other hand he knows she is like this.

He talked to her Saturday night and tells her were are divorcing??

I haven't said anything to him yet..At first I was angry...but I knew this is what she was like. Any advice?