HolyMoly, your story reminds me of mine with your WH flip flopping between houses, the whole money thing, the attraction of the bar (translated ego feeding) (even though my FWH wasn’t a bouncer). I’m no Plan anything expert but from what I’ve read over the past few months, I agree with the others. Time for Plan B. He’s definitely yanking your chain.

(((HM)))

Hope, OWL, Bug and PM-

I think we all agree that it is time for Plan B. I am going to look at sample letters.

I don't want to talk to him about finances. There are no more together finances. They are all seperate. I have to sell this house. I don't want to and it kills me. But it kills him more because this was HIS dream house. Not mine. I love this house, but I can't save it.

I will give it him on Friday. Thursday is our baby's 2nd birthday. I at least get to have some happiness today while shopping for her. She learned to say Happy Day! and it is SO cute.

OK..Today was supposed to be Plan B day. He is doing a lot of little things to work on our M...EXCEPT DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE BAR!!!!!!!!

He came over last night and wants to move home so bad. Then the first thing he asks me is "When are we getting rid of your dog"

I said "When you quit the bar"

WTF!!! I LOVE my dog. That dog has been my sense of security while I lived by myself. I DO NOT want her to go. She is old, yes, and has some tinkle problems, but I bought her a dog diaper and she is FINE!!

My family is my other issue today. My mom REFUSES to watch my girls so WH and I can have ANY alone time together. She won't even watch them on our anniversary. I told her fine, that is her decision. My decision is to work on my marriage, so I will just find someone else to watch the kids. The thing is, if I never asked them to watch my kids, they would never see them. They do not call me to see their grandkids. I call them.

How do you deal with an unsupportive family? Should I Plan B?

HM,

I am confused a bit. Please help me out with catching up with you.

You say this was supposed to be Plan B day? Then you talk about the 2 of you going out for your anniversary?

When is the anniversary?

I do not disagree that WH is wanting to continue to cake eat ---- he wants to come home AND still be 'the big man' at the bar, despite your boundary on this.

It is a Good and necessary boundary if you are going to save your M!

IMHO - you have not yet Prepared enough to go into Plan B yet.

The best ones I have read about around here are well thought out, VERY detailed in how any potential issues will be dealt with and a solid PBL is written well in advance.

I haven't see that on your thread yet. Forgive me if I have missed something!

Take the time to plan in detail so that it can be the Most effective

As I said on my thread, I get one shot at doing it right,,, I want to be sure I have planned accordingly!

BTW-sorry I missed your earlier post to me. I appreciate it. I think you are doing just fine.

Just slow down and make sure you have all those little ducks in a row before you go dark and then you can not see where they are!

Hey Bugs!
You are right...I have just started to plan the Plan B. I was supposed to do Plan A for a month..that puts it around the first week of June and I am NOT prepared.

I thought things were going well. I guess I am in denial. Already he says to me that we can go out for our anniversary IF there are 2 bouncers there. If there aren't he has to work. Can you say @sshole! CAn he EVER put me first????

I am MORE than ready to plan b..

I busted him this weekend. I had this voice in my head saying he didn't erase her number..he changed the name. Can't explain it..but I knew. And I snooped in his phone..and was right. He has been calling and texting her all along.

There was also another girl he took out to dinner and kissed LAST WEEK.

I asked him to leave the house. I said as long as he is still having anything to do with these women and the bar then I can't be around him. I haven't talked to him in 2 days.

He calls me at work this morning and wants to talk. I said I will not tolerate the women, and the bar anymore. I said he needs to end it 100% with all of them, or else stay away. He said we will talk about it later. I said that isn't a good enough answer. If I knew that is what was needed to save my family my answer would be OF COURSE!!

I am frustrated. I am angry. I am hurt. I know I haven't done enough to make a good enough Plan B. I have filed for CS and used the sample Plan B letter. I am not a good leter writer, and truthfully I am too angry to write a love letter to him. I cannot afford an attorney right now, and that worries me.

Where do I go from here?

Personally, I'd pack all his stuff and have it sitting in the garage for him. I don't know if its legal in your state or not, but I'd change the locks, secure the house as completely as you can, and move to the deepest, darkest plan B you can possibly manage.

TELL him how all of this makes you feel. That's part of the 'consequences of his actions' that he should face right now. Make it clear that you're done putting up with ANY of this...and that for now, the only way you can feel safe is if he's not in your life until he's made the steps needed to PROVE to you that he's actually willing to work on your marriage.

ACTIONS...NOT WORDS.

Expose the continued wayward behavior to whoever is appropriate again...make it clear that you're taking these steps to preserve what love you have left for him.

Have some clear, concise requirements in place before you'll CONSIDER taking him back. Write them down, keep them in a safe place to remind yourself when you need to...give him a copy and make it clear that these are NON-NEGOTIABLE.

Take active steps to secure your income and protect yourself and your family. Have a PLAN on how you're going to take care of everyone. If you need help, get help.

And take some time to take care of YOU. Work out a way to help yourself through this...find time to go to the gym, run, get engaged in a hobby, etc...

Sorry to hear this, friend. But you CAN make it through it.

I made him pack his stuff the second I found out. He had some left over laundry that I put in a plastic bag on the porch. He picked it up some time on Sunday. I made it look like we were not home because I didn't want to see him.

I did change the locks a long time ago. He was coming in the house without my permission and doing weird things.

I filed for CS against him, but they said it could take months. I don't have that kind of time. I don't want to sell my house, but I may have to.

I cried Sat and Sun. This morning I woke up feeling like I did the right thing. I have decided that I am NOT taking this anymore.

I will be honest...when in Plan B I will worry that he will use the excuse that since we aren't together, he will go out with more women. That has been his excuse all along. If he doesn't live with me, we aren't together.

I know it's hard, but you can't control what he does when you are Plan Bing him and a good Plan B letter will take away any excuses he could try to make about seeing other women while you're in Plan B. So maybe some of the Pro's around here can help you devise a letter that will defuse his excuses and still provide a path back home.

But you HAVE to go Plan B now. He's played you for a fool, don't let him get away with it. Don't worry about your Plan A, if it wasn't effective he wouldn't have been trying to come home.

Now it's about you protecting yourself more than anything.

Stay strong and good luck.

I have been played a fool! And that pisses me off more than anything! My mom's friend said those EXACT words to me. Her XH did this to her. She divorced him. She said DON'T LET HIM MAKE YOU A FOOL. I told her I am in this with eyes wide open.

I am learning to always trust that gut feeling. I can't even tell you how I knew what he was doing. A little voice kept saying "all he did was change the name"

He responding to a text to her telling her he missed her. I wanted to vomit. She was hitting him! She is a psycho who was coming after ME too! AND HE MISSES HER?? He tried to tell me he really didn't, but he was just trying to be civil. I had LOADS to say about that.

I just did something stupid. Please help me I am losing it.

After months of texting and calls from OW, i decided to fight back. She called me and I called back. However, when I called her back I was met with her boss telling me he was gonna file harrassment charges against me..etc. He then called my boss to tell him of the problem.

Nice. I fight back and this is what I get.

She then calls WH and he gets pissed at us both. he then says he wants nothing to do with us. I said fine. You want to defend her..go ahead. See ya.

WH" I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER>
ME: Then stop talking to her.
WH: I am done with both of you.
ME: Fine. I always came last. even now
WH: I came over last night and fixed your sink and got you milk
ME: NO YOU FIXED OUR SINK AND GOT OUR KIDS MILK.
WH: Will call you later.
ME: whatever

I really can't do this anymore. I am totally losing it.

This is NOT Plan A HM, so what are you doing?

Getting angry and waiting for him to pick you?
Not very effective.

Go to darkness if you can't be positive.

Which is why you should be in Plan B. You need to remove yourself from the drama. Get rid of it and protect yourself until either the D is final or WH comes home ready to work on the M within YOUR boundaries.

It doesn't matter if you want to save your M or not. You need to do this for you.

Breathe, Be Still, No Rash Decisions.

Stay Strong Holy.

OK...don't call her again. I wouldn't even sweat it...but, the next time she calls YOU, GET A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST HER.

As far as dealing with your husband...get into plan B ASAP. Maybe take the next few days to get your ducks in a row, and perform a STELLAR plan A during those days...and then black hole darkness, giving him the clear message that you mean what you said about your requirements for reconciliation.

HM,

Stop. Breathe. Re-group.

Sounds like you are back kind of where you started. You do well, but then frustration gets the best of you and then you 'let it fly'

I am not getting down on you, just calling it like I see it.

You have forgotten that in PLAN A you can have NO Expectations of WH. You are the GIVER and your goal is no LB'ing right now

So, you blew it. The question is now what?

First Do Not Do Not Do Not interact with OW EVER. What will that get you?

As I read here once, if you wrestle with pigs YOU get covered in the mud. Take the high road here

Second, as everyone said, if you can't be positive then get to Plan B. WH knows what it is going to take to come home and fix this. He continues to play you

You do not need or deserve that.

As said above - Stellar Plan A, ducks in a row, dark Plan B

You CAN do this!

You are all so right. Especially Bug about the getting frustrated.

I need Plan B now. And as far as a stellar Paln A first...I don't know about that. I am absolutely crushed. I have little energy to take care of myself and my kids let alone meeting his needs.

What if I can't do this? What if I just can't.

You can and you will!!!

You are stonger than you think! I really do think a short, intense plan A (for you, not him) focused on showing him the best person you can be followed by Plan B is in order in short form

HM,

HP is right. You CAN do this and it should be for YOU.

I have always said, no matter where this ends, I will look back and be able to hold my head high. I will have done my best for me and my M.

His choice is his choice. I an only control ME.

So, decide how you WANT to proceed and then do it!

You are a strong determined woman. Look back on your thread at the times before when you were unsure, but you worked the plan!

Lots of people here have sabotaged their Plan A.
And do you know what they did?

Brushed themselves off and tried again.

You need to start lining up your Plan B arrangements.
Do you get child support? Get the amount nailed down.

Does he have a visitation schedule? (no random visits. get a schedule together. This is not family time it is DAD TIME. and you get to re-charge your batteries kid-free.)

Find an intermediary. You simply MUST get someone to shield you from him, because your interactions with him are negative and causing you BOTH to lose lovebank balances.

Start writing your letter. It should contain a part about loving him, another about the specifics of how he can come back, and specifics of how to contact you for changes in schedules etc.

When you start lining up these things he will start to see you are serious about divorce-world. He will start to see that isn't what he wants.

Don't get too upset about selling your house. It would probably be a good idea to move away from OW and the bar scene either way....

I filed with CS about 2 weeks ago. I haven't heard from them, so I suppose I should start calling.

I was going to ask my babysitter to be the intermediary. My second choice is my ex SIL. She is a take no chit kind of woman and she would awesome.

We don't have a visitation schedule. I will call him and ask we sit down and make one..or do I make one for him?

Thanks ladies. I needed all of your pick me ups today. I am feeling so beat. I read Bugs posts and they are always so upbeat.

He has noticed my Plan A. I am scared that I just scared him off. I am tired of eating it though. I am ready for Plan B. I can't do Plan A anymore. He is just using me and I hurt over it.

I need to move on with my life. I am over this limbo [email]cr@p!![/email]