I am going through a wide range of emotions right now, so bear with me and I will try my best to explain my situation. I have been with my husband for 15 years, married to him for almost 13. He has ADD. About 1998, we let a woman move in with us because she had nowhere to go, while she was living there, I agreed to some threesomes (stupid) for husband’s entertainment girl-girl action included. I worked 2 jobs. She pretended to be my friend. She lied to my husband about me having an affair and got him into bed alone while I was working. A child resulted. He cried, I forgave him and tried to piece things back together. He has not seemed to try very hard to make it up to me. Our love making decreased to sex, It was still very good and very frequent almost daily, but quick and to the point. He has found it very difficult to say I Love You since then. I am still crazy about him. I have tried everything to keep him, he and his daughter are my life. I want very much to stay married to him. When I found him I felt like I found the piece of me that was missing.

Then 2003 came along and I thought we were doing well. In September, he went to something for his work in Washington DC and met another woman, In December 2003, he almost left me for her and hardly knew anything about her. I convinced him not to leave. I was hoping my love and my actions would be strong enough to hold us together and he would return to the loving caring man I married. Sometimes things were great and sometimes not.

Currently, with his added stresses at work and the teenage daughter at home plus I had an upset in our routine from my work, he had reached overload . He felt we needed some time apart. So I am staying with my aging mother, about 100yards away from our house. I knew he couldn't afford to move out on his own and did not want to upset his daughter's world more than it had to be. She also has ADHD. I had some place to go so I did, because I love him that much and have done nothing wrong. I know in his heart he knows that but with his premarriage baggage, the jealous rumors he had heard about me in the past, my premarriage baggage his mind won't let him believe that I can be a good faithful wife and be true to him as I have since we got together. Maybe he thinks he doesn't deserve someone like me because of what he did to me. I don't know. He is saying he can’t get out of his mind what he saw one night when we were at an outdoor get together. I usually don’t drink much, I had a couple of beers, I was tipsy and he said I hung allover one of the guys for “awhile”. I do not remember it, I do know it did not culminate into anything sexual. I wasn’t that drunk.

What I do know is that nothing else has really changed. He talks to me about his work as he always has. He calls me if he needs something for the house. He tells me goodnight every night and I know I basically give him his cake and let him eat it too, but I still do other things for him. Like iron his uniforms, help with the housework, take care of the bills and help pay them with my money. Do things for his daughter, as we get along pretty well for a "step" relationship.

After week #8 of my exile, we also have had sex a couple of times. I am just very frustrated that I am still in limbo. I do not know where my future is going. I don't want another man, I want the man that completed "me". The pain does not lessen with time, neither does the desire just to be held by him. He is my strength, when we are together I feel like nothing can hurt me. I told him the other day he was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I would never do anything to lose that. I also told him right now that he is the worst thing that has ever happened to me because my worst fear of losing him is so close to reality.

I am not one to deny him a night out with the boys and am not one to rant and rave over a few porno mags like some wives. I actually benefitted from some of the things he read there. I have been by his side through many things both good and bad...I just can't give up. I feel so lost and alone.

I have suggested counseling several times throughout our hard times but with his job (police officer, small town & no time) it can't happen. And I don't know if he would benefit from it or not if we could. I tried several of Dr. Harley's basic concepts early on, but he did not seem interested in self-help either. I do think her has some delusional jealousy going on. As I know everything he thinks about me is fabricated, I just can't prove it.

What have I done wrong?? Why can't I get him to believe in us and his reason for marrying me? Our relationship felt very different and right from the very beginning not like anything either of us had known as love before. It was so much more. And believe in me and understand what it means when I say I love you, compared to all the other women in his past that said it and cheated or lied?

I keep praying and hoping but am losing faith, hope and probably the love of my life rapidly. What can I do?