Not sure which forum to be in because there is a lot going on. There has been infidelity from him and he thinks there has been infidelity from me, NOT! I love him but it goes much deeper thn that. Let me explain....I am going through a wide range of emotions right now, so bear with me and I will try my best to explain my situation. I have been with my husband for 15 years, married to him for almost 13. He has ADD. About 1998, we let a woman move in with us because she had nowhere to go, while she was living there, I agreed to some threesomes (stupid) for husband’s entertainment girl-girl action included. I worked 2 jobs. She pretended to be my friend. She lied to my husband about me having an affair and got him into bed alone while I was working. A child resulted. He cried, I forgave him and tried to piece things back together. He has not seemed to try very hard to make it up to me. Our love making decreased to sex, It was still very good and very frequent almost daily, but quick and to the point. He has found it very difficult to say I Love You since then. I am still crazy about him. I have tried everything to keep him, he and his daughter are my life. I want very much to stay married to him. When I found him I felt like I found the piece of me that was missing.

Then 2003 came along and I thought we were doing well. In September, he went to something for his work in Washington DC and met another woman, In December 2003, he almost left me for her and hardly knew anything about her. I convinced him not to leave. I was hoping my love and my actions would be strong enough to hold us together and he would return to the loving caring man I married. Sometimes things were great and sometimes not.

Currently, with his added stresses at work and the teenage daughter at home plus I had an upset in our routine from my work, he had reached overload . He felt we needed some time apart. So I am staying with my aging mother, about 100yards away from our house. I knew he couldn't afford to move out on his own and did not want to upset his daughter's world more than it had to be. She also has ADHD. I had some place to go so I did, because I love him that much and have done nothing wrong. I know in his heart he knows that but with his premarriage baggage, the jealous rumors he had heard about me in the past, my premarriage baggage his mind won't let him believe that I can be a good faithful wife and be true to him as I have since we got together. Maybe he thinks he doesn't deserve someone like me because of what he did to me. I don't know. He is saying he can’t get out of his mind what he saw one night when we were at an outdoor get together. I usually don’t drink much, I had a couple of beers, I was tipsy and he said I hung allover one of the guys for “awhile”. I do not remember it, I do know it did not culminate into anything sexual. I wasn’t that drunk.

What I do know is that nothing else has really changed. He talks to me about his work as he always has. He calls me if he needs something for the house. He tells me goodnight every night and I know I basically give him his cake and let him eat it too, but I still do other things for him. Like iron his uniforms, help with the housework, take care of the bills and help pay them with my money. Do things for his daughter, as we get along pretty well for a "step" relationship.

After week #8 of my exile, we also have had sex a couple of times. I am just very frustrated that I am still in limbo. I do not know where my future is going. I don't want another man, I want the man that completed "me". The pain does not lessen with time, neither does the desire just to be held by him. He is my strength, when we are together I feel like nothing can hurt me. I told him the other day he was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I would never do anything to lose that. I also told him right now that he is the worst thing that has ever happened to me because my worst fear of losing him is so close to reality.

I am not one to deny him a night out with the boys and am not one to rant and rave over a few porno mags like some wives. I actually benefitted from some of the things he read there. I have been by his side through many things both good and bad...I just can't give up. I feel so lost and alone.

I have suggested counseling several times throughout our hard times but with his job (police officer, small town & no time) it can't happen. And I don't know if he would benefit from it or not if we could. I tried several of Dr. Harley's basic concepts early on, but he did not seem interested in self-help either. I do think her has some delusional jealousy going on. As I know everything he thinks about me is fabricated, I just can't prove it.

What have I done wrong?? Why can't I get him to believe in us and his reason for marrying me? Our relationship felt very different and right from the very beginning not like anything either of us had known as love before. It was so much more. And believe in me and understand what it means when I say I love you, compared to all the other women in his past that said it and cheated or lied?

I keep praying and hoping but am losing faith, hope and probably the love of my life rapidly. What can I do?

What have you done wrong?

Everything.

Get counseling. Get a divorce and when you get well start over again in a relationship that has appropriate boundaries.

Oh... and a book suggestion for you....

Obsessive Love by Susan Forward.

And it might be time ot open your Bible, Quran or Torah, since you mentioned prayer.

Thanks for the uplifting comments....and I thought I was depressed before.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Stick with us. You'll get used to MEDC - he is rather straight-forward, but gives great support and advice. It took me almost a year, but he started growing on me.

Well, you are in a real mess. I suggest you get some counseling ALONE. Hubby has a child from an affair, and has had ANOTHER affair, and doesn't trust YOU?????? That's a good one. ADD or not, he is the one who is not behaving very honorably.

In the meantime, Plan A is the starting point. That is where you show him what a GREAT wife you can be, with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts.

I would do a little spying though, because it sounds like he might be up to his old tricks again.

Take my advice and a year from now you will be happier than you can imagine right now. Stay and you will, IMO, allow a cancerous relationship to eat away more at the both of you.

As far as the first "affair" I do not believe it was an affair at all... it was a person invited into your bedroom and lives...for god's sake, you slept with her too. Sorry... but the rules of threesomes are just stupid... you had another woman screw your H and then wanted to cry foul after he did it in his own.

Then you get drunk... hang all over some man and obviously something happened....you don't remember though. Just to let you know.... when you can't remember what you did... you were VERY drunk! YOU CHEATED ON HIM TOO... with the girl and then in this situation... this M is just downright disfunctional. It sounds like you both are immature and need to grow up before either of you is M material.

I am sorry if this stuff hurts your feelings but you obviously need someone to be honest with you....what you do with it is obviously your choice.

Hey Believer... hope you are well.

Please, do tell me what you have found honorable in her behavior. She slept with a woman for her H's entertainment... got drunk and doesn't remember what she allowed to happen with a man... but it was obviously inappropriate. I see nothing honorable in either of their actions at this point.

Thanks, MEDC should come with a warning label. I am trying what I assume is plan A but I get so frustrated, I have trouble refraining from the angry outbursts. Not really angry but I do raise my voice trying to penetrate the wall he has built between his heart and mine. He is so afraid of another woman hurting him (his past baggage) that he has gone into the not feeling,not caring mode and stayed there.

I don't think he is up to his old tricks again, (but I could be wrong) He has been working a lot of hours but, he HAS been working...that I do know. By the way, where do I find Plan A???

By the way, does your H has a relationship with his child?

My standards may not be as high as yours. The threesome was 9 years ago. It is always a mistake, but I've known several women that did it just to please hubby.

And having another woman (especially a down and out one) moving in is ALWAYS a mistake too. I've seen tons of stories here about a situation like that that ended in an affair.

Getting tipsy and hanging all over a guy once is not good wifely behavior, and I hope she learned her lesson. But come on, hubby has an affair child, and at least one other affair.

MEDC, the reason I cannot remember what I did is that the incident that has been bugging him about what I did at the party was 5 years ago....It was obviously not what he determined it to be or I would have remembered it. I know I walked, not stumbled, to the car that night when we left and navigated several sets of stairs without a problem. And I do know it was not sexual in nature. Not even a kiss. He said I was sitting there next to this guy, rubbing up and down on his arm with my hand. Consoling maybe but not cheating.

He had an affair child with the woman SHE had sex with too. I don't think she has any room to talk about that... not one word since she was an active particpant with this woman too. So, did I miss your answer... what was it that she has done that was honorable?

Okay... but your sentences suggest that alcohol is why you didn't remember.

MEDC Yes we pay support and he has visitation for a short time at least once a month. She will not allow him to come to our house to stay for any length of time and treats me like I am the other woman.

Has he filed for custody since it should be the courts that decide what is best for his son? See, IMHO, he made a child and needs to be a parent as often as possible.... and I put my money where my mouth is with that... having full custody of my son and a foster child.

BTW... I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. I may not agree that you should stay married.... or even your status as a BS...but I know the pain that is caused from a broken heart is as hurtful as anything. For that I am sorry for you.

Goodnight,

MEDC

MEDC and believer, Please stop the arguing... and MEDC I do not know your story but I am glad to finally meet someone who has never done a stupid thing in his life. Especially for the one he loves. Maybe I should have met you first then I wouldn't have done the 3-some.

B and I are not arguing... your reply is ridiculous... stupid is one thing... a trainwreck is another. And if you had met me... you're right, you would NOT have done a threesome... not in my bed.

But I have done more than my share of stupid stuff.... but we are talking about you right now.....aren't we??? I wasn't seeking counsel...but you obviously have your views of my opinions so I will leave it at that. I wish you luck and hope you don't just spin your wheels.

MEDC, Just so you know, I have been considering counseling for myself. I know I am going to need help, especially if things fall through. You really do come off as being either very bitter or holier than thou. I will take some of the things you have said into consideration, just don't make me out like I'm trailer park trash. I came on here to get opinions. Yours being first was just a bit hard to take. But thanks for your time.

Just wanted to offer one thing - you can only work on yourself and change yourself, and you also have to want it for yourself not because someone wants it for you (been there, done that in my own situation).

Take care of yourself. If your H wants to stay or go, it's his decision.

Not being judgmental, but you both have a lot to work on. You mentioned pre-marriage baggage for both of you. Have you worked on any of your stuff? As the poster LovingAnyway would say, you have to own your stuff.

MEDC does raise a good point though - you have to really taker a hard look and ask the question - will you be happy in this relationship or will it destroy you?

It's hard to answer because you are in the middle of it all. I agree with believer, you need counseling ALONE first.

Here is some starting info on Plan A and Plan B:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html