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"Compensation" is the word I was trying to remember. I believe Dr. Harley says compensation is a prerequisite to recovery or something along those lines. At the very least, it is a co-requisite.
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CS,
Sorry. With all due respect for you and your dedication to God - being a rock for your WW every time she betrays you will most certainly give her the impression that you are a doormat.
I don't see her truly being repentant and possibly cheating again with the adage that you will be her "rock" and never leave her, never make her accountable for her actions, never expect her to beg forgiveness, never truly understand the devastation she has caused.
I'm certainly on the other side of the spectrum (for a spouse who chose to stay). My fear is that if I completely forgive and forget, he will not take his actions (or mistakes, as you refer to them) truly to heart and believe that it isn't so bad. I don't want to be a doormat. I don't want him to think the consequences will be light if he betrays me again. I have more respect for myself to make sure he realizes that I won't settle.
Piojitos,
I totally agree with you about the "my marriage is better after the A". Don't get it.
BS 46 (me)
WH 51
M-20yrs
DS19, DS16, DS14
D-Day - April '02
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TT,
I have to say that I feel like I am going through some sort of evolution right now. I've heard that it takes a couple of years to "get over" the A. Maybe this is just a natural progression. I see my feelings changing on almost a daily basis. Things that mattered to me no longer do.
I feel like I am in a whirlwind of confusion but in a mostly good way.
I'm sorry I'm so harsh with CS but I have been there, done that and said those things myself. Time and time alone has gotten me to where I am now. I am no longer fighting the A. I don't think I know who the real enemy is any more. I'm pretty sure it is me though.
I do not feel that I have been compensated for the A. Compensation can mean many things so I won't try to put a fence around it.
I feel like that once you get to this point, you almost can't give up even though that is likely what you think you want to do. It isn't even "in for a penny - in for a pound". The entire dynamic changes. Your reasons for leaving the M no longer have the same validity. You aren't leaving because you were cheated on - you are leaving simply because you aren't happy. And yet that is exactly why the WS had the A. So I think the BS is at a very serious risk of their own affair at this point.
I take extreme measures. I only hang around local women. Can you imagine being around women who wear all black under a cloudless sky when the temperature is 125F? They STINK! Aversion therapy.
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I don't think it is so much a compensation thing for me, but I honestly can't put my finger on it. I am still hurt. I am still angry. It's got to be from the A because I still dwell.
I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know what would make me truly happy again.
I'm pretty sure that I am not a candidate to be wayward. Not so much because I don't want to hurt my H (oooh! that doesn't sound good, huh?) but I don't want to hurt my sons or imply at all that being unfaithful to a spouse is acceptable.
I hear ya, Piojitos. Right now it is late. My H is working late at work. He just called to say, "Goodnight." and that he'd be home soon. It was nice that he wasn't home tonight. I felt more at ease. However, I'm pissed that he is working on Saturday. I want him home this entire long weekend.
When I was a teenager, my dad used to always say to me, "TT, you are not happy unless you are unhappy."
BS 46 (me)
WH 51
M-20yrs
DS19, DS16, DS14
D-Day - April '02
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I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know what would make me truly happy again. I can identify with this. All the things that used to make me happy no longer have any flavor. I think this is why I am having such a problem finding my EN's - they have changed. Working out seems to make me happy. This may be why I get so irked when WW comes down early in the morning. She is "stealing" my "good" time. That was the thought I had while we were running. The rest of the day it is activities and kids, soccer, homework, balet, golf (DDs' have clubs too). If I work out with WW, I have to change the weights, routine, etc. to accommodate her. That pisses me off. Even my workout becomes about her. I feel like I am being cheated out of my workout. Why can't she just stay in bed? And then at night she is so tired that she is zonked by 8:00PM.
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I feel ok today. I'm a little at peace for some reason. My H was at work today so there was little interaction. I watched one of my favorite flicks, "13 Going on 30" and then spent some time out on my deck with my new People magazine. I placed my chair where I could view the OWs car out of the corner of my eye. I haven't caught a glimpse of her since she has been living there but I have seen her car plenty of times. I don't know why I want to see her. I'm surely not going to confront her after all these years. I did vision myself walking over into the condos and running into her. I'd ask her why she felt she needed to move so close to my family. I know I would not get any honest answer from her so it wouldn't be worth it. The apple tree is starting to fruit. I could chuck one at her then duck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I called my H at work. He answered, "What's up, Buttercup?" and it actually made me feel warm and fuzzy. Maybe we'll have a good week-end. ...beaning her upside the head with an apple may still be on my agenda.
BS 46 (me)
WH 51
M-20yrs
DS19, DS16, DS14
D-Day - April '02
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Think of it as giving her a lesson in Newtonian physics.
Maybe if you can see OW, you know where she isn't?
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I was thinking about your OW. It reminded me of a mosquito. You know how when you are in bed trying to go to sleep and you hear that annoying buzz of the mosquito close to your ear? As annoying as that buzz is, it is nothing as bad as when that buzzing stops. The buzz suddenly seems good by comparison.
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I don't know why I did it. I felt compelled to drive by the front door to her condo since I can't see it from my yard. She's got a wreath hanging next to the door. Her car has been gone all day.
I need to get a freakin' life!!
I do trust my H. Not knowing where she is doesn't mean I think she is with him. I always know where he is at all times.
IF he was to stray again, I doubt very much that he would go back to her.
I like the mosquito comparison. I think I will call her "The Mosquito"
Thanks, Piojitos!!!
BS 46 (me)
WH 51
M-20yrs
DS19, DS16, DS14
D-Day - April '02
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Well I guess I can relate a bit. In my case, PB's whereabouts is an unknown. That never really mattered. Then xGF started emailing me and planting these little seeds. I do believe she had an ulterior motive. All I can think is that she wanted to try to hurt gemela in some way although why she would do that at my expense and that of my children is troubling. Even so, according to her PB is living in Mexico waiting for gemela and I am about to send her there for vacation. This is my mosquito.
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Mexico is a big area to cover. Is she going to be near him? Did the xGF give any indication that he knows she's coming?
Is the xGF still in contact with PB? (What does that stand for? I can only thing of Peanut Butter!!)
I can't imagine that you would send Gemela there if he is close enough to see her. You trust her now, right? That's really not the issue, is it? Honestly, I'm not afraid one bit that my H will take off out the back door, jump over 2 fences and land on The Mosquito's doorstep to rekindle the sick relationship they had.
My H spent most of the day in the backyard with the kids- putting up a new net for the trampoline, doing yard work. I was hoping The Mosquito would walk to the dumpster, take a peek in our yard & see how happy my H and kids are together. 5 years ago, she was the one who told him that he needed to, "Move out and find yourself" Whatever the h*** that meant!
I told my H that I drove through the condos. He doesn't understand why I'd do such a thing. I couldn't tell if he was angry or just frustrated. He just shook his head. I think he's afraid I'll cause a confrontation like the one at the tattoo parlor.
BS 46 (me)
WH 51
M-20yrs
DS19, DS16, DS14
D-Day - April '02
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Pool Boy. I have no real reason to believe that PB is truly in Mexico. I can imagine that he had some romantic fantasy and possibly went there last year with the dream that gemela would run into his arms. But reality sets in pretty quickly. If he ever did go, I doubt he stayed very long. I don't know where PB is and I don't really care. If she does run off to see him, I'm okay with that. She knows full well that would be instant divorce so she always has that choice to make. One of the things I have learned is that you cannot prevent anyone from having an affair. They are the only ones who can prevent it. I doubt she would just run off for a quick romp with him because that would hurt her more than help her. I also doubt he is still waiting around for her. Can you put up a taller fence? Can you grow some trees? I think he's afraid I'll cause a confrontation like the one at the tattoo parlor. Personally I don't see how that's any of his business. It is your right. I'm not saying it is the best course of action but it is your life.
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I get the idea that the xGF is trying to stir up trouble. You are the one she has access to. I bet she doesn't know where Pool Boy is either. Go figure-we just replaced our wood fence with a chain link just a few years ago. We do have several trees and large bushes. There is just a few feet of open space. Perfect eye shot to her parking spot. We have decided that it is the right time to move. We just have some updating to do on the house before we can put it on the market. My H would like to find a house with some acreage. I'd like a master bedroom with a walk-in closet and a nice big kitchen! Thank you very much! [/quote] Personally I don't see how that's any of his business. It is your right. I'm not saying it is the best course of action but it is your life. [/quote] You are dang right about that one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
BS 46 (me)
WH 51
M-20yrs
DS19, DS16, DS14
D-Day - April '02
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1.- Devastation.
Fear, shock, confusion, existential pain. Loss of hopes, dreams and every assumption about God and man.
D-day and just afterwards. Don't want to go there again, ever.
2.- Appeasement.
OK, I've been dealt a [email]cr@p[/email] hand, but if she will at least stay home SOME of mt life support systems may at least function a bit.
3.- Indignation.
F'k that ! I'm stronger now and i WILL NOT suck up any more pain than I have to. Still scared, but not settling for crumbs.
This is where MB gets SERIOUSLY assimilated and applied. Turns hatred on OM as being to blame for affair.
4.- Gratitude.
The affair is ended, WW sends NC letter, exposure scares OM into darkness. THANK YOU GOD ! LA LA LA LA LA ! Still suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.
5.-"Advising others how to be wonderfully recovered like I am"
We have like SF 3 times a day, and a restored marriage is a decent possibility again and I am so PATHETICALLY grateful to not be in the deepest [email]cr@p[/email] imaginable I am hyper-happy. Yessiree, no recovery problems for me !This is it for ever and it only took us x months ! Secretly suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.
6.-"Ah, theres an elephant in the sitting room"
So day to day life has been OK for a while now. SF, even maybe some ILYs. Kids are happy. Life is ACTUALLY not happier than for years but it is so much better than during the dark times of the affair and withdrawal that it seems that way. But you start to notice the 'elephant' in the sitting room : the enormous baggage of the affair that the BS has been previously too 'fight or flight' or psychotically happy to address. Suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.
7.- "I am angry and I don't need you so whY am I here ?"
BS has operated in a loveless and hurt world for so long is now amost completely self sufficient. Is no longer even slightly desperate. Does not NEED FWW as whole life support mechnanism has HAD to regrow without her while she betrayed and sulked over the months. Feels indignation at both the insult of the affair AND the insult of FWW not contributing HARD to recovery. Feels like an ATM machine and bodyguard and hugely taken for granted. KNOWS FWS still loves OM.
8. - What about MY needs ?
BS has developed a sense of self worth independent of what others think. Has had to. Thinks he deserves MUCH more affection, admiration respect, gratitude. " I didn't put this amount of effort in just to be nagged at all the time, and never be praised. I deserve MORE than that!." The kids happiness at a stable family quells thoughts of rebellion. realises OM was just an amoral scumbag who made the most of an opportunity FWW offered him, 100% of the blame for the A is FWW. This hits hard.
9. - Resignation
The kids are happy, I am not unhappy, FWW is happy, this is just my lot in life. Better get on with it.
10.- make or break drive to get a M the BS deserves.
An effort from BS to challenge the peaceful but unsatisfying status quo in an attempt to get BS needs met.
Adhere to Dr Harley's MB principles and try to concentrate on building new loving memories with your FWW. Then the memories will reduce in importance.
Its not time that heals but what you fill the time WITH.
All blessings. I just found this posted by Bob Pure on a different thread. HOLY CRAP!!! I am SO stuck on #9!!!!!!
BS 46 (me)
WH 51
M-20yrs
DS19, DS16, DS14
D-Day - April '02
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I'd like a master bedroom with a walk-in closet and a nice big kitchen! Maybe it's just me but I would avoid a master bedroom with a big kitchen in it. I have to imagine it would destroy your resale value. Would you settle for a mini-fridge as a nightstand? I swear by them.
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we just replaced our wood fence with a chain link just a few years ago. Having once done that, I know it is a mistake. The cost you save on the fence is more than eaten up by the extra miles weed-eater line you have to buy. I have seen something like thin slats put in chain link. Doesn't block everything but it blocks a lot.
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HOLY CRAP!!! I am SO stuck on #9!!!!!! I think #10 takes both of you. I wouldn't actually know from experience. It is just an assumption on my part.
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You're right. I'm pretty sure #10 takes two to tango. I have a benefit at work that gives me 5 free counseling sessions. I'm going to talk to my H about that. We did some MC back several years ago but I felt like he hogged all the sessions. He was still in his addictive mindset & it was all about HIM. We quit going before we were able to get to the nitty gritty of our marital woes.
My two oldest sons both have girlfriends now and I hope I can teach them to respect women. (I did tell my 11-year-old that he shouldn't kiss girls because they have cooties.) They both remember the rocky times we had back 5 years ago. I don't like the idea that they had to go through that but it can be a learning experience. Though they were too young to understand the details, they knew that I was very hurt. My oldest was only 9 at the time. He answered a call from my H one night and I heard him say, "No, you CANNOT talk to Mom!!! You always make her cry." I'm tearing up just thinking about that.
I hope he is willing to go to MC. I'm sure I'm going to get the argument that we don't need it, that everything is just swell.
I do want this to work, but I don't want it to look like I'm caving in.
I'm still afraid to forgive him.
BS 46 (me)
WH 51
M-20yrs
DS19, DS16, DS14
D-Day - April '02
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I'd like a master bedroom with a walk-in closet and a nice big kitchen! Maybe it's just me but I would avoid a master bedroom with a big kitchen in it. I have to imagine it would destroy your resale value. Would you settle for a mini-fridge as a nightstand? I swear by them. You're killin' me Smalls! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Tatertot; 05/28/07 09:42 PM.
BS 46 (me)
WH 51
M-20yrs
DS19, DS16, DS14
D-Day - April '02
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I'm still afraid to forgive him. Then don't. Give yourself the time you need. I haven't really forgiven WW but that's mainly because she has never asked for it. I did tell my 11-year-old that he shouldn't kiss girls because they have cooties. That is true BTW. Girls do, in fact, have cooties. It is the most pervasive STD known to man.
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