Dude, you deserve someone better.

Question...

Does she seem really depressed the last few days since she's agreed to NC with OM? I mean really down in the dumps depressed... Not hungry, crying a lot, probably not dressing or taking care of herself like she normally does?

I'm wondering if she's going through the withdrawl at the end of the affair. If she IS in withdrawl, she's not going to want to spend much time with you, or have much interest in ANYTHING at the moment. And that's normal. In that case, all you can do is plan A as best you can, and expect little response from her until the withdrawl begins to end.

If she's NOT showing any of these signs, I'd be greatly alarmed that no contact is NOT in place. Given what you've described, if there were no signs of withdrawl, I'd definitely suspect that more is going on than you're aware of.

In that case, you definitely should pursue spying and determing if something more is going on than you know.

MrReal:

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

But you ain't helping here.

Brae:

Mel is on the case and can give you very specific advice for dealing with this.

However.

Lets put your situation into better perspective.

You have been married for 19 years.

Your WW has developed feelings for someone else, and it started recently.

You haven't been perfect for these 19 years. Nor has your W. You two grew apart. It happens. Happened to me, happened to Mel.

This allowed the space in your WW for the OM to sneak in. Because your WW's LoveBank ($LB) was very low.

However, you discovered this Affair early in its formation. It may have started many years ago, but only went critical recently.

You have a huge advantage over many others here in that respect. Because it hasn't gone far, and you are here early in the process to learn what to expect and how to fight this thing.

Your choices going forward from here will determine how this will play out.

First.

Stop bombarding her with questions. These are lovebusters and OM doesn't ask her, bombard her or treat her that way. It puts you at a huge disadvantage. "You want TO KNOW" Yes, I understand this. That time will come.

Second:

Learn about Plan A and start fixing yourself. No Lovebusters. Smile. Be pleasant. Start dating your W. Learn about emotional needs as described by the Harley's and start implementing them.

Third:

Sorry you have to be here, But it's the best place around to fix your M.

LG

Why are you confident? If she is still seeing him, she is capable of lies you never would have dreamed of. Wayward spouses lie, but you want to believe her. Lots of danger here. Trust us on this.


Listen to MelodyLane, owl, and LG. You're getting great advice. If you're having trouble understanding or accepting it, let us know, and we'll try to make it more plain. The sooner you figure out what's going on (with both you and her), the better your chances for recovery.

Brae, I really need to know how you know this. Are you GUESSING or do you know for SURE? Is this information that came from your wife or the OM?

Thanks to everyone for their support.
In answer to some of your questions 1)Yes she is really down, more down than i jave ever seen her.
2) I don't know for sure that he is divorced but i do know for sure that his wife and kids now live with another guy in another town.

From what i am seeing from her in how down she is and also how honest she is being with me i don't think there has been any contact since NC started.

Braeworth, please, please listen to the advice you are receiving here. You cannot be sure that your W is being honest with you. Please keep your eyes and ears open, and do not believe for one moment that she is not still in the affair. My H spun all sorts of believable tales, which I fell for hook, line and sinker.

DH59 Beleieve me I am listening. I am watching her like a hawk but at the same time I don't want to behave like a prison warden

Well, only you can know what your W is normally like, so she might be telling the truth, but as ML point out, avoid the love busting questions, and stay alert.

Well Brae, you may not think so right now, but the fact that she is 'way more down than I have ever seen her' is in fact really good news for you so far.

If she wasn't, that's almost always a clear indicator that NC is not in place.

So...continue to snoop...she's NOT trustworthy right now, and she probably even realizes that herself at the moment. She'd like admit to you that she 'feels weak', etc... So do NOT trust her...verify everything, but continue your plan A by working on yourself, working on meeting the emotional needs that you can, and 'just be there for her' right now.

My wife went through about 3 weeks of that after HER aborted affair. She had an online emotional affair...was all set to leave. But she didn't...she went through this same withdrawl for those weeks, and then started to respond to my plan A.

Stick with it...LISTEN to what Mel and others are telling you. You really need to focus on making those changes in yourself NOW...and stick to them so that they are PERMENANT changes that will give your wife hope (eventually, not right now, but later) that things CAN get better in your marriage. And NO LOVEBUSTERS. Don't fight and argue with her...even if she starts it. Even if the discussion is painful and hurtful in the extreme...just sit, listen to it, acknowledge what she's feeling and going through, admit to what you're feeling without biting her head off, and try to nurse the two of you through it. You CAN do it...many of us here have done so. HANG IN THERE.

This is a very good sign. It means that contact HAS ended. However, it does not mean it will stay that way. Like Owl said, do your best to attract her back. But that DOES NOT MEAN doing destructive, affair enabling things like "giving her space." Your RED FLAG should go up at any suggestion for be alone, go out alone or to "get space." You cannot repair your marriage if you are not together!

And being apart only gives an addict the OPPORTUNITY to drink, remember that!

Did his wife leave her H over this affair?

Thanks for all your support guys.
I find i can help asking her if she has spoken to him had any contact with him. I am doing this a couple of times a day, should i just avoid this and keep my eyes and ears open

I found some links to WATS guide for betrayed spouses and WATS guide for wayward spouses but can no longer find them. Could someone please provide those links my wife has agreed to lokk at the wayward spouses guide

whoops! i will look for the thread!

Here's a good one, brae: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

p.s. don't send her here to your thread, ok? Its a good idea to stay off each others threads in the beginning.

I find it hard not too bombard my wife with questions, this annoys her at the moment and i feel i am making things worse. Should i stop this? I Have tried but it is hard

Is she being honest with you about her affair? What kind of questions are you asking and what does she say?

I think she is being honest so far. She is telling me how she so another life where she was free and able to do what she wanted, that she still has strong feelings for OM and that she is not sure if she wants to stay and save our family or to be free and live this other exciting life.
I cant help asking endless questions such as what i done to her that is so bad, has she spoken to the OM today and on and on. In all other aspects i am trying to make home a happy place for her and stick to Plan A, i just think these endless questions are making things worse, although i have managed not to ask as many today

braeworth,

You are making a huge mistake asking her questions such as
You need to understand that you did NOTHING and this isn't really your problem. The state of the marriage before the affair, you have some responsibility for. Her choice to have an affair was all her's to make. You had no vote, you were not considered, you were not consulted. It is her's, therefore the questions you are asking not only push her away, they feed her rationalization that somehow you are too blame, and finally they fail to accept the fact that SHE DID THIS, not you.

Tell her simply, you want he to tell you IF she decides to contact OM again or he contacts her in any way. You expect that she will maintain NC. Then leave it at that. Keep your eyes open, plan A, and dig in, this is tough stuff.

What you are hearing is the withdrawal, the guilt, and the recriminations. The later is not often appreciated. The reality is she has NOT faced she could do this without a good reason. So it must be the marriage, it must be her need for freedom, it must be the marriage, because she wouldn't do such a think without a "good" reason.

She is running from herself right now and that is pretty common while in withdrawal. hang in there, keep plan A up and reduce the questions. Frankly, right now you could NOT trust anything she told you anyway, even you liked hearing it. Your best bet is to assume that "if her lips are moving, she is lying." That will change with time.

When it does change then asking some questions will make more sense. Heck you might even get an honest answer that actually helps you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there, and God Bless,

JL