BigK. Yes I have listened to everything. But she has always maintained that she thinks that she wants to be on her own. I guess I am just after some reassurance as I have never felt so low in all my life

braeworth, your W is either still in her affair or is planning on resuming it, I fear. I think with your assurance that you won't make it easy for her to leave, that she has simply gone further underground. As long as she is committed to the affair, and not the marriage, this is not too hopeful, IMO.

I would seriously consider exposing the affair if you want this to get any better. That would bring this all out in the open and give the affair a much needed cold splash of water. It is no fun to have an affair when everyone is watching.

ML. I understand that you have far more experience in these things than I do and maybe I am being naive but seeing how low she was last night and this morning I don't think she is in contact. About three years ago she lost both of her parents to whom she was very close. I think this is part of the problem. She is very worried if I expose to her Aunty and her sister she will have no one. I have made it clear that next time she breaks NC these will be the first people I contact. She does seem a lot more committed this time and is being totally honest with me about she feels.
My Plan A is a lot better now, I have stopped all the questions and am trying to just get on with life a little. My main concern is her consistent tale of feeling like she has missed out on things and wants to go it alone. I am just seeking re-assurance that this is just the fog or withdrawal.

braeworth, yes it is withdrawal, as long as contact has not resumed. It is pretty normal that she feels like she missed out on something when she is still feeling the emotional charge of the affair fantasy.

Also, her aunt and sister would be IDEAL exposure targets if this does not end, braeworth. Her workplace would be at the top of that list, too.

Are you continuing to snoop on her and watch your back?

ML. Thanks, yes I am snooping hard. I know her so well, I know exactly when she plans to see him. She is trying hard this time, it's just we are both finding this really painfull.

braeworth, do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Can you leave that around your room so she will see it and perhaps pick it up?

ML. I just ordered it last night. I was going to keep it to myself initially but you think I should let her see it as well?

OH YES! let her see you reading it and then leave it laying around.

Another thing you might want to order that you would find enormously helpful is Dr. Harley's DVD on basic concepts. I found it enormously helpful even after I had read the books years ago: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_basicsdvd.html

ML. Thanks looks interesting, maybe I could persuade her to sit down together and take a look at it

The DVD is excellent.

I was wondering how to approach the SF side of things.
Should I just leave it and give her time, NC has only been just over a week and she says she still has no feelings for me. Should I just wait for her to show some affection to me first. Or, do I use the approach that actions create feelings?

B - You and I are living nearly the same script... I say script b/c now that I've been here a bit, I see it over and over.

M'd 14ys; together 17yrs, 3kids G9, B7, B5, good marriage, good SF, very close, family troubles hit, emotional troubles hit, drifted apart, discovered 18month EA in January

Initial recovery was ok...she showed remorse, wanted to work it out, even resumed SF after 3wks. From 3wks to 2months, I did a fair amount of damage... lots of angry outbursts, kind of unstable around her, lots of crying, lots of unhelpful inquisition on A (beyond what was helpful or what I needed to know to heal). At 3months, I got the "I don't feel close to you" and "I don't have feelings for you". Affection and SF has been non-existant for 3.5wks now (but who's counting?). I am now to blame for making her live a life in our marriage driven by my expectations of her rather than what she really wanted... says she can't be herself around me.

I am a little less than one month into Plan A. Minimally, I can say that things have stopped getting worse, you can read my thread and see that maybe things are getting a little better.

My advice to you... when in doubt, let the SF go. Don't even approach it. It will only be a source of tension... you want it and will feel bad if you don't get it; she'll know you want it and will feel bad if she gives it (she will feel pressured into it) or if she doesn't (she knows she is just disappointing you). Classic no-win.

Right now, I am sticking with the 'actions creates feelings' approach but in a non-SF way. Hugs, hold hands, sit close. Three weeks into this... very little progress. Hugs basically went unreturned, holding hands were fairly quickly pulled back. Gently brought this up this week... simply said that it is hard for me to be going through recovery from A while at the same time feeling as though she wouldn't let me love her. Last two days... a little bit of progress... minor reciprocation on hugs, meek kisses from her, a bit more light-hearted to be around.

Sorry to say this, but I think you are just in the beginning of a difficult period. Stay cool... it may get worse (maybe not, though!). Good news is that you seem to have caught this pretty early.

I am going to say, IMHO, there is little good you can do in the next few weeks. She may resent you for destroying something she found exciting. Try to stay cool and express your feelings without being accusing, minimal crying, try to be a bit affectionate to her, make her feel safe. Find someone else to vent with... IC maybe? I didn't do any of these things and think it set me back pretty far. Once I started doing them, things bottomed out and, I think, are upward moving.

After initial few weeks, I had to then deal with problems in the M... many of which, again IMHO, were unfairly shifted entirely onto me. You may get this too.

Hang in there! You caught this early! Way before lots more damage could be done!

LTH. Thanks for the info. Sitch does sound a little similar. I will for now leave well alone with the SF thread and just stick to Plan A. I have tried lots of hugging and kissing but it feels at the moment as though it is not really appreciated and as though it makes her a little uncomfortable.

BW

I am in a very similar situation to you. My wife went NC last Monday. I confronted her about her A almost a month and a half ago. I have been spending time with her on a regular basis (we are separated). We have a good time together, but there is definitely tension. I would stick with your approach and give it some time. My wife and I are doing marginally better than we were when I confronted her, but I attribute that to our close contact, and avoiding any LB.

Thanks losinit. I guess I just need to take my time and be patient. It just hurts so much

Bad night. Tried to just make conversation, not about A or our relationship, just general things. WW told me my voice was annoying her, I lashed out, LB city.
I am trying really hard with Plan A but am already reaching the point where I think I can't take any more of being treated like sh**.
WW is so distant and stand offish from me it is making our home life really strained. I know she is maintaining NC and is in withdrawal but I am not prepared to be treated like this. I am not the guilty party in all of this.
Please help!!!

Brae - there is nothing to say that hasn't been said.

I know this is kiling you but this war is winnable if you are patient.

When my wife returned home from her affair she was the same. She would not even let me touch her so if you are holding hands count your blessings.

It will change.

My wife, eventually, forced herself to have SF - feelings do follow actions.

It is he[i][/i]ll where you are right now but it will get better if you can just be controlled for a few weeks.

BigK. Thanks for the encouragement. I am normally fairly calm and rational but am finding it really hard not to lash out when I am being treated like this. I guess it hurts so much because my W is normally a really nice and caring person but the woman in front of me at the moment is un-recognisable

B- That's the fog. Your WW is living a lie. In order for her to cope with the guilt of the A, she made you the bad guy. Everything you said and did was wrong. Even the sight of you probably annoys her at this point. You need to give it time. Be funny, kind, and considerate. This is not easy. However, if you can pull it off and avoid LB, it will have an effect. It is a slow process, and you can not set a time table. She will come around on her own. Be honest with her, and, if you can, show her this sight, or give her articles to read about A. When my WW finally began to read about A, she could not help but see herself. It became very hard for her to continue to lie to me or herself. She is not out of the woods yet, but it is slowly getting better. My WW is also in IC, and I think this is having a positive effect. Hang in there.

LST. Thanks, it just makes me so angry to be treated like some kind of lepper for something I have not done.