I know she isn't too receptive to meet meeting her EN's at the moment, I am just worried that if they are not being met she may be more temted to break NC and go back to OM, who was meeting them

YES
YES
YES
YES
YES

Brae - WHY did she end her affair?

She ended the affair because she has agreed that we need to try and save our marriage for sake of DD. She is making a real effort

So WHY are you worried about unmet needs and her going back into contact? You my friend have a text book reason why she will maintain NC, why she WILL make it through withdrawal and why she WILL re-attach to you if you are patient.

BigK. Thanks for the reassurance. I just know she is still really missing OM, although things have got better over last couple of days when I have backed off.
Patience!!! Patience!!! Patience!!!
Thanks for all your help today

Braeworth - very good. OK. She will miss OM and for a while to come - but the longer NC endures, the better things get.

Braeworth

Study is your friend at this time. While you wait for surviving an affair to arrive, theres a whole lot of good ness available for free on Dr Harleys' Basic Concepts.

Right now you should read up on surviving infidelity Click here for surviving infidelity and follow all th elinks.

When I was in your shoes I printed them off and read them in bed too.

Also you can read what you ar eworking towards - building a GREAT marrige with your baby when she is back Click here for MB marrigebuilding concepts.

Knowledge will comfort you , Braeworth. This stuff WORKS.

Read it, internalise it and apply it.

Out of KNOWLEDGE ask folks on here for clarification, but follow MB not us.

Also you need to decide what your personal boundaries are and start policing them. Those are the minimum behaviours for dignified treatment that you will accept wthout removing yourself from a relationship that has become abusive.

Nobility and dignity is very attractive to women, even withdrawing ones.

All blessings

Actually Braeworth, I also printed them out - the Infidelity FAQ's - my wife read them and the scales fell from her eyes. It was a turning point.

BP*. Thanks for that. I think I was trying to run before I can walk. I was just a little confused, and thought I should be trying to meet EN's that were being met by OM, to prevent her from wanting to break NC. I know she is not really receptive to me at the moment and BigK has made it clear I should not really be doing this and just be patient.

If you read Dr Harley's stuff, you will see that your W is not ABLE to be receptive to that stuff right ow. She is not capable of a healthy relationship with anyone with her head, heart and conscience so conflicted.

It truly is like a temporary chemical addiction that she needs to withdraw from.

In the meantime its your job to make those improvements that you know you need to make in your husbandry, learn to avoid lovebusters and you WILL start meeting ENs by stealth.

Your WW's direct focus is deliberately corrupted right now because of her affair and rationalization.

However your efforts in good husbandry will sneak around that filter to her heart's peripheral vision if you do so consistently.

And lock up your taker. Your WW isnlt capable of meeting YOUR ENs for a while yet.

Study and you will gain confidence and understanding of this process.

Braeworth, this might help you

I have seen my own recovery, and that of many other BS follow predictable steps. The steps or stages may be similar but the timelines are very different. Also, once the full set has been run through, stages can be selected in seemigly random fashion.


1.- Devastation.
Fear, shock, confusion, existential pain. Loss of hopes, dreams and every assumption about God and man.
D-day and just afterwards. Don't want to go there again, ever.

2.- Appeasement.
OK, I've been dealt a [email]cr@p[/email] hand, but if she will at least stay home SOME of mt life support systems may at least function a bit. Lets suck up and see what happens.

3.- Indignation.
F'k that ! I'm stronger now and i WILL NOT suck up any more pain than I have to. Still scared, but not settling for crumbs.
This is where MB gets SERIOUSLY assimilated and applied. Turns hatred on OM as being to blame for affair.

4.- Gratitude.
The affair is ended, WW sends NC letter, exposure scares OM into darkness. THANK YOU GOD ! LA LA LA LA LA ! Still suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

5.-"Advising others how to be wonderfully recovered like I am"

We have like SF 3 times a day, and a restored marriage is a decent possibility again and I am so PATHETICALLY grateful to not be in the deepest [email]cr@p[/email] imaginable I am hyper-happy. Yessiree, no recovery problems for me !This is it for ever and it only took us x months ! Secretly suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

6.-"Ah, theres an elephant in the sitting room"

So day to day life has been OK for a while now. SF, even maybe some ILYs. Kids are happy. Life is ACTUALLY not happier than for years but it is so much better than during the dark times of the affair and withdrawal that it seems that way. But you start to notice the 'elephant' in the sitting room : the enormous baggage of the affair that the BS has been previously too 'fight or flight' or psychotically happy to address. Suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

7.- "I am angry and I don't need you so whY am I here ?"

BS has operated in a loveless and hurt world for so long is now amost completely self sufficient. Is no longer even slightly desperate. Does not NEED FWW as whole life support mechnanism has HAD to regrow without her while she betrayed and sulked over the months. Feels indignation at both the insult of the affair AND the insult of FWW not contributing HARD to recovery. Feels like an ATM machine and bodyguard and hugely taken for granted. KNOWS FWS still loves OM.

8. - What about MY needs ?

BS has developed a sense of self worth independent of what others think. Has had to. Thinks he deserves MUCH more affection, admiration respect, gratitude. " I didn't put this amount of effort in just to be nagged at all the time, and never be praised. I deserve MORE than that!." The kids happiness at a stable family quells thoughts of rebellion. realises OM was just an amoral scumbag who made the most of an opportunity FWW offered him, 100% of the blame for the A is FWW. This hits hard.

9. - Resignation

The kids are happy, I am not unhappy, FWW is happy, this is just my lot in life. Better get on with it.

10.- make or break drive to get a M the BS deserves.

An effort from BS to challenge the peaceful but unsatisfying status quo in an attempt to get BS needs met.

Where do you think you are, Braeworth ?

BigK. Where do I find these Infidelity FAQ's, is the same as the Surviviing Infidelity BP* has put a link to?

Yes Brae the same stuff.

if you click those links then follow all the links in there as you read you will find all Dr Harleys resources including infidelity FAQs.

BP*. Where do I think I am? Am I allowed to be in 2,3 and 4 all at the same time. I think I am somewhere in between those 3. I have been trying not to upset the apple cart and am glad she is still here but have realised that I need to be stronger and that this isn't going to work unless I fight for what I believe, she is mainitaining NC but I am still suspicious of her motives

I'd say 90% 2 with 10% and no sign of 3 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> But thats OK.

Study and apply MB HARD now. Its your friend.

Read my previous "nutshell" post to you and take onboard bigK's advice too.

We might seem a little gruff but we KNOW this works from our own experiences. We advise from a position of KNOWING not hoping.


All blessings

BP*, BigK. I just wanted to say thanks to you guys, you have really helped me today, I am a lot clearer on what I should be doing and where I am going and feel much more positive.
I think I know the answer to this but just need to make absolutely clear, I should not be pecking her on the cheek to say goodbye or goodnight or anthing else like that. How about telling her she looks nice etc.

Thanks again guys

Brae - stop hoping for magic love spells and read the material. I really recommend you print it out (The infidelity FAQ's - the 4 of them) and ask your wife to read them. Please.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We each have two part sto our personality:

a "giver" - that invests in others before ourself
a "taker" - that seeks to meet our own needs above others.

A balance between the two is healthy.

However when we BS feel so loveless and scared in early recovery our taker screams out that it needs investment.

Now your WWs taker has been running on nitrous recently and she doesn't have much capability to give to you OR to accept your investment.

In fact for you to invest can remind her of her recent and current selfishness and make her angry and withdraw.

You need to deliberately and intelligently lock up your taker - stow your needs to feel appreciated as an H, and loved by your W, and have needs like affection and SF met.

And control your giver to give only in ways that your WW is not threatened by.

When I found that my attempts at ILY and non platonic touch were counterproductive as in your case, I 180'ed that.

ILY became " I care". Touch became absolutely platonic.

And guess what ? Combined with my investment in myself and my husbandry it drove Squid crazy for me eventually <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

That clearer ?

Could you explain examples of platonic touch?
Is telling her she looks nice if we are going out threataning?