Telling her stuff is OK - but see how she reacts.

Brushing her as you pass is OK

But be guided by her reaction.

Just play it cool. Bob and I are not making this stuff up mate. It really works. Honestly - in a few weeks you will feel much better.

Platonic touch - how you would touch a female work colleague in front of your wife.


Let me run you an example :
brae " I think you look lovely tonight"
WW " NOW you bloody notice me ! Twenty years of looking right through me, now overnight you've changed already and you can see me as "lovely" ! NO WAY mister ! Takes more than your words to fix this !"
brae "d'oh ! "

Unless you are certain that your words can't be used against you its best to say as little as possible.

"A closed mouth gathers no foot".

BP*. Telling her she looks lovely or her hair is nice is not something I haven't done for years but maybe I haven't done it enough.
I do understand now, thanks again for your help today and I feel I am ready to move forward now.

Brae

Your wife didn't have an affair because of anything you did. She had an affair because of a failure to protect her weaknesses.

You can improve your husbandry , and then get the chance to show more appreciation for your wife but first you have to recognise what you're dealing with.

BP*. I did not understand what you meant about failure to protect her weaknesses

Actually Braeworth, I also printed them out - the Infidelity FAQ's - my wife read them and the scales fell from her eyes. It was a turning point.
Brae - stop hoping for magic love spells and read the material. I really recommend you print it out (The infidelity FAQ's - the 4 of them) and ask your wife to read them. Please.


bigkahuna,
Could you please explain where to find thes four FAQ's you're talking about.

BP*. I did not understand what you meant about failure to protect her weaknesses

That will be explained in "surviving an affair".

people don;t have affairs becaus esomebody else did something. They have affairs because conditions overwhelmed a weakness of theirs that they did not protect.

In my Squids case a love of " harmless" mutual flattery led to a vile class 2 affair. She did not protect her weakness to flattery.

Read the book it will be clearer.

Losinit

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

And the links that follow.

BP* and BigK. Thanks for again for all your help on Sunday and yesterday. WW commented this morning how things had been a lot more relaxed over the past couple of days. This is since you both gave me the wake up call on Sunday and your advice yesterday. As advised, I will try and carry on in this manner for the next few weeks and see where this takes us.

While I was in my car last night a song came on the radio. "Patience" by take that(not normally a fan of boy bands) but never have the words to a song meant so much or hit home as much as that. For all BS or FWS take a listen, it somes up what is going on between myself and WW during her withdrawal perfectly.

I had a bad night last night, although I think I managed to not show it to WW.
I am struggling with the fact that I mean so little to her and that she does not seem to care about how much pain I am in or if she makes it worse. She never asks if I am OK or anything like that.
I can hear BP* screaming "Lock up the taker", but I think this is the thing that hurts the most. I suppose it is just withdrawal, and I should just be pleased that she is at least maintaining NC and making an effort but it still hurts.

BraeI feel for you , mate.

A long gone forum wise-head, WAT ( WorthATry) used to say that when a person becomes a wayward, alients kidnap the real spouse and keep them captive in the mothership, leaving a pod person with only vestigial comunication and emotional skills.

Thats light hearted but its also close to the experience many BS have.

There are lots of complicated reasons why your wife is behaving s she is right now. For example she CANNOT allow hersel to see anything positive in you , your marriage , your history together or your husbandry else she has to see her affair as an evil unneccesary assault on a good man and a workable mariage.

As her conscience emerges from the fog of self delusion she stamps on it when it reminds her of your decency, so she cannot acknowledge it. See ?

Thats just one reason why your WW can't value you right now.

Any neediness or loving stuff stings her conscience awfully.

You steadiness, quiet support and plan-a good husbandry coupled with a clear preparedness to let her go if she wants are what is proven the best response at this time.

Phone the mail service as CHASE UP surviving an affair !!!!!!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

{{{{brae}}}}

You British Brae ?

BP*. Thanks again, I have taken on board what you and BigK were telling me on Sun/Mon, if nothing else it has at least made our home life much more relaxed and it is no longer like a war zone. So at least we can get on as friends for now.

P.S Yes I am British. Live near Darlington, up in N Yorks.

B0bPure*. I just wanted to tell you what an inspiration you are to BS on this site. I just found your toolkit on another post and when I read it and saw how bad things were for you at the start and knowing you have got through this is a real help.
So, I just thought I would give you a quick update.
NC has now been maintained for just over 3 weeks, the arguments have calmed down a lot, and I am trying to make the home a warmer and more welcoming place. WW has now stopped telling me she wants to move out or live a single life. Today I asked her if I told her she could leave and take DD with her would she go and she said no, she said that she was very scared that she had no passion for me and if she couldn't get that back then she would have to leave, and this really worried her.
So, we still have a long way to go, I am following your advice and playing it cool and have put the taker away, but this lack of passion really scares me and not to be able to hold someone or kiss them when you need it more than ever just makes me feel so low and sad.

but this lack of passion really scares me and not to be able to hold someone or kiss them when you need it more than ever just makes me feel so low and sad.


MAN UP mate ! Neediness reeks to WS in withdrawal !

Have you got "surviving an affair" yet ? You need to STUDY to apply the MB stuff , bonny lad.

Today I asked her if I told her she could leave and take DD with her would she go and she said no, she said that she was very scared that she had no passion for me and if she couldn't get that back then she would have to leave, and this really worried her.

It doesn't matter what she says right now. What she does is the best indicator of her heart. There are some powerful dynamics at play in your conflicted W.

The nobler and more dignified you are, the quicker she will straighten out.

BTW if you read my stuff you'll see that after Squid rejecting my efforts at romance and affection I "180'ed" her . ( Michele Wiener-Davis has an interesting way of getting results in relationships: if it doesn;t work, do th eopposite!). I withdrew all non platonic touch. no ILY's just "I care" etc. At the same time I invested in myself seriously - new wardrobe, hairstyle not just a haircut, great aftershave, sexy nightclothes....

It drove Squid crazy as she came out of the worst part of withdrawal and she eventually seduced me then boinked my brains out three times a day for 3 months.

Your mileage may vary <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BTW thanks for your kind props. When you have a recovered marriage you'll want to pay it back to this site too.

Braeworth, I thouhgt this might be useful for you. Pep gave it to me.

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Plan A which is ~only~ a carrot or ~only~ a stick, is not a true Plan A.

BP*. Thanks for that, I think I am now following most of that. WW is maintaining NC and things are getting better very slowly. I am avoiding LB's pretty well and although I know just over 3 weeks from NC is still very early days we do seem to be moving forward, the way she talks and how she talks is now different to say two weeks ago.
As I said in my earlier post the main issue at the moment is her lack of feelings for me, I have adopted your policy of no touching and playing it cool, but this is worrying me and my wife has also told me now that it is worrying her, I know it is still early days. I just wish someone could tell me that in another 5,6,7 weeks this would be ok, but I know no one can

my wife has also told me now that it is worrying her

It should worry her. Thats the reason for 180'ing.

She can't have it both ways - have you caress and show affection for her , AND be repulsed by it.

I told squid that I was stopping offering affection becaise it was undignified to have that rejected as unwelcome.

You could try that with your WW so she knows the reason.

BP*. I think I did explain something similar but I will reinforce that again tonight. I suppose 3 weeks of NC is still very early days and I need to be patient

The worst withdrawal should be over now and she might start crawling out of her shell around now. By six weeks the horror of what she's done will start to sink in and she'll crash.

Read my toolkit. Theres tons of advice from smarter people than me in there about crashing.

Plan A your knackers off. Think of it as a role you must act. A project you must plan.

K ?

BP* Thanks yet agian. I did read through your toolkit. LOTS!!! of usefull information, did not find any real mention of crashing par se unless I am misunderstanding. Could you give me some details, is it a feeling of deep guilt??