When the reality hits WS they can "crash". Thats when its good for the BS to have been a safe place to land for a while.

I'll dig it out for you. Its in one of the threads WorthATry ran for me. I'm at work now, might be later OK ?

Where is this tool kit that everyone keeps mentioning?

BP* Thanks

Brae - Bob is right - first 3 weeks is the worst. As long as NC is maintained it will start to improve. Let her lead the way. I guarantee another 6 weeks and it will be different. Just be patient.

BigK. Thanks, I think things have improved a little. It is just the lack of feeling that is missing and I am trying to be patient

It is just the lack of feeling that is missing

'Morning mate

Your WW CAN'T "feel" for you now. There are a lot of reasons that you need to study and internalise else you're going to cave and beg and undo your good plan A.

She is actively suppressing thoughts of anything good about you and your marriage right now, and everything bad about OM and her affair.

Its how good people temporarily override their conscience in order to have and enjoy an affair.

If she acknowledges that you are not Godzilla with rabies , and that your marriages was not wholly the Burnma railway her logic has to agree that her affair was wrong, she was selfish and OH BOY is there a world of cr[i][/i]ap around because of it now. And it is ALL her fault. every drop. With apologies to the Godfather of soul: "its a brown, brown, brown, brown world".

If she believed that then it would mean she and OM were bad people, at least temporarily and that isn't a good place to be for her, coming down from her entitlement high. She's felt justified in taking EVERY NEW step past her old moral boundaries for a long while now.

This why Plan A is about you being the best spouse you can be, but ALSO to provide a hopeful, non judgmental place so she feels you won;t reject her even if she feels she deserves it.

This realisation of the truth WILL happen if she tsays in no contact with OM.

really.

BP*. Thanks. Did you manage to find the stuff about crashing, so I can be prepared

Yep

Click Here

Read the whole thread. There are others I'll dig out too .

You know I forget quite how sh1t-bound I was back then.

This stuff must work, hinny <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

trying to find stuff by WAT. I'll post it up when I find it.

Crashing is simply when reality hits - when the self-delusion I described early fails due to pressure of fact and NC.

BP*. Thanks for all that. You had a real tough time back then, if you can get throught that hopefully I can get through my situation. I feel I am making progress, thanks to the help you and BigK gave me a couple of weeks ago, it is just slow progress.

Last night I discussed EN's with WW. Her top two were conversation and affection. Just over three weeks into NC and affection seems to be pretty much off the agenda for now. I have bought her the odd small gift or done something nice for her but hugs and kisses are a no no at the moment as she has no feelings for me.
I am trying to work on the conversation part but it all seems strained, as she has no real feelings for me and probably doesn't really want to be spending any UA time with me at the moment, the conversation is one sided with no interaction and no fun, flirting or anything else.
Does anyone have any tips on how to make the conversation more lively or fun?

brae, better folks than I will contribute, but for ME I planned family stuff to do. Arranged trips to Thorpe park, cinema, petting farms, warwick castle - all actually FUN, great opportunities to quietly demonstrate my fatherly skills ( and improved spouse skills) with a sulking WW.

Remember that until she is an active particpant in recovery, she can only appreciate your EN meeting with her PERIPHERAL emotional vision. Her direct gaze is probably still corrupted by her rationlization of her affair.

How old are your kids, Brae, remind me ?

BP* Just one child DD(11). I have had the last week off as it was half term ,taken her to cinema and out for the day. Tonight we are having a BBQ and one of DD's friends is sleeping over.
I am just trying to connect with WW, we have just been talking about the fact that she doesn't respond or interact with me and she says she feels completely empty, as though I am a stranger.
I am trying to concentrate on meeting her EN's but this is so difficult at the moment when there is a barrier up. Conversation is not fun and not interesting.

Conversation is not fun and not interesting.

Fake it till you make it.

But don't foist conversation on your W if she is not responsive to it.

Its a balance. You'll get the hang IF YOU STUDY !!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My wife barely said a word to me for two months after she ended her affair except to complain about her job (of course, she kept breaking NC at the time as well). I just started thinking up things that she would like to do. I planned something special for about five weekends in a row. The first weekend, we went to Mardi Gras in the Soulard district in St. Louis. The next weekend we went to a murder mystery dinner theater at Lemp Mansion (which is supposedly haunted). The weekend after that, we went to a Blues hockey game that included spacial passes to have drinks with the players after the game. The next weekend was her sister's birthday, and we took her out around town. The following weekend, I took her out to wine country and we stopped and sampled wine at four different wineries. I just focused on meeting her ENs and expected nothing in return. After those five weeks, you could tell a connection was starting to form again. She agreed to drop some money on furniture and a nice vacation to the Pacific Northwest. You just need to be patient.

Bad night last night.
We were having a nice evening, has a BBQ, sat outside with a glass of wine, listening to some music, nice time. But then somehow we get round to R again and WW tells me she is not sure she would miss me if I wasn't there. Not the most hurtful thing she has said over the last couple of weeks but before I could stop myself I reacted, AO, LB's and DJ's. I stopped myself very quickly and apologised but I must have made some major Love bank withdrawals and done some damage.
Anyway, she is still here and still talking to me but looks like I will have to do some major recovery work over the next few days.

before I could stop myself I reacted, AO, LB's and DJ'

Get up and walk away if you have to !

Don't be doing that cr4p.

Orchid advises saying stuff like " I feel the same way".

Reverse babble.

You have to stow that neediness to rant, soldier. This is a war.

BP*. I know, I have been doing ok, last night I just didn't stop myself in time

Just thought I would give a quick update on where we are.
4.5 weeks into NC, still no hugs, kisses, holding hands etc initiated by WW(F?), I have occasionally given her a hug or a quick kiss, although I know I probably should not be doing this. She has mentioned a number of times that she feels completely empty towards me, but has said that this really worries her, which is apparently quite a good sign.
The babble seems to be a little less and at least when she speaks most of it seems to come from the real world. She does seem to have a lot of resentment towards me, a lot of things I do or say seem to annoy her, although I am not really doing anything wrong. I am getting better at biting my tongue and controlling AO's, although sometimes I do react, despite trying not to.

braeworth, the only thing you can do is be patient as Bob:Pure and Jim advised. I know it is frustrating, but it will take time to draw her back into the marriage. I think it is good that you give her the occasional hug or kiss as long as it isn't a lovebuster to her. Sorry this all takes so long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />