Brae

MB can WORK BRILLIANTLY !. Plan A ends the affair and results in a re-committing spouse in about 15% of cases. In your case the A was over or at least crippled when you began. There is a very good chance that Plan A is having a positive effect on your W now. An ended affair, No Contact over time and a plan A'ing, dignified betrayed spouse is a situation WELL INDICATED to the restoration of a recoverable marriage IME.

You need to do teh basics tightly though mate. Dignity. No neediness. Loving detachment. That stuff.

You think *I* wasn;lt desperate for some hugs ? To kiss my baby who I was working so hard to win back ? I am no superhero. I only applied MB because I had no other plan.

But WHAT a plan it turned out to be !

Your next challenge (once you get the taker well locked up) is usually that a pretty girl will hit on you.

When that happens, just know that its normal. Don't give in.

BP*. Thanks again, I will try and stick with it.

All sounds pretty positive to me Brae.

Any tips on how to avoid AO's, most of the time I do just manage to walk away, but someitmes I react before I manage to walk waya, last night we were laid in bed talking and she said something which got to me, before I knew it I had flown off the handle and was AO, DJing quite badly. This has obviously knocked us back a little, I could sense that this morning. I am so angry with myself, we had just started to see some progress and I lost it. So any tips would be greatly appreciated
This is not normal behaviour for me, I am normally quite calm, but this thing has had a dramatic effect on me

Brae - it has a dramatic effect on us all. But if you don't learn to control yourself you may end up without a wife.

Have you seen a doctor about anti-depressants?

Your ability to STFU and be patient will be what wins the day. If you can't control yourself you may still win the day but it will be a lot longer and more drawn out.

Many BS's here would love to be in your position. Don't blow it.

BigK. I have been trying to avoid AD's, as I have seen them cause long term damage to a couple of people.
But, I know I have to some how control myself, as a few more outbursts and I think Elvis will have left the building!!

Brae

I took Cipramil for a couple of months. Didn't give me any side effects * twitch * <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you work out ? I went to the gym and beat the poo out of the weights and cardio machines. Helped me keep it in my pants.

Vent here hard if you need. Or email me or BigK and rant to get it off your chest. But you gotta stow that AO DJ thing.

Its part of neediness IME. You need to feel HEARD and to make sure she knows how she hurt you. Lock it up.

Like Muhammad Ali's left leg, it ain't fair and it ain't right but its what you have to do.

BP*. Thanks, I am getting better but just every now and then I react and undo a lot of the good work. I think this is now our biggest issue, I know if I keep doing this the game is probably up.

Braeworth, I’m extremely sensitive to side effects of psychiatric medicine but Cipramil (the same AD Bob used for a few months) is the only AD that didn’t had (and still don't have) any major side effects on me. I’ve tried out a few others and it had problematic side effects. (Due to some genetic and other factors, I have to use Cipramil chronically for depression and OCD).

My point - Cipramil is really a wonderful drug with minim side effects (if any) and also has a “calming” effect on a person’s mood. I’ve experienced this “calmness” even in the midst of very difficult circumstances. So, I think it might help you to control the outbursts, AO’s etc. should you decide to go to the doctor for a prescription. This is a hard time for you braeworth and AD's will also help you cope for at least a few months. But if you’re going to use it, just make sure that when you get off them you do it very slowly and under the doctor’s supervision. Going off AD’s too suddenly can cause withdrawal symptoms like anxiety, irritableness, moodiness, melancholy etc. (happened to me after I’ve weaned it off too quickly the first time).

Brae,

I have to take a deep breath and walk out of the room to avoid any outburst!

I am currently taking Prozac (AD) for about 6 days now. To be honest I cannot tell if it has kicked in yet.

BUT you must have the power to control your emotions partner!

I read your threads often because I am going through exactly what you are right now!

In fact, I am on this thread right now because I feel upset that my W may have received a txt msg from OM a while ago. Her mannerisms ususually tell the story! I refrained from saying "who was that from?" and calmly exited the room!

This is where I cone to vent!

Its like living in the house with a pod from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers!"

Hang in there! Know I am cheering for you dude in a big way!

(F?)WW told me this morning that she is feeling really fed up and started crying. She said that she is worried about what will happen to me and DD if this does not work out, she says she is really worried about her lack of feelings and complete emptiness towards me and she does not think they will come back.
We had a talk and I told her I would be Ok, not to worry and to try not to think too much about that, just give it time and we will deal with it if we have to.
She told me she no longer really thinks about OM unless I ask about the A, which I am not doing much anymore.
I know BP* said she may start to crash around the 6 weeks NC, this is 5 weeks do you think this may be the start of her crashing?

Mornin' from sunny Rome, Brae <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(F?)WW told me this morning that she is feeling really fed up and started crying.

Yes, being a wayward in withdrawal is a miserable place to be. WAT described withdrawaing waywards as being like lovestruck sulky teenagers. Thats about right at this stage.

She said that she is worried about what will happen to me and DD if this does not work out

Starting to realise that you're not quite the useless lump he rrewritten history would indicate. Plan A's good.

she says she is really worried about her lack of feelings and complete emptiness towards me and she does not think they will come back.

Trying to convince herself of that IMO, and also that she is trying to retain the whip-hand in your marriage. By making you "try" to make her love you, always on the back foot.

We had a talk and I told her I would be Ok, not to worry and to try not to think too much about that, just give it time and we will deal with it if we have to.

Good answer.


She told me she no longer really thinks about OM unless I ask about the A, which I am not doing much anymore.

Manipulating you into not mentioning her affair. the time will come when you can have your questions answered without damaging plan A. Be patient.
I know BP* said she may start to crash around the 6 weeks NC, this is 5 weeks do you think this may be the start of her crashing?

Yes I think it IS her crashing. Reality holes her fantasy boat and fear comes pouring in.

Its important you can stow that AO / DJ thing at this time.

And remind her kindly that there is no locked door on your marriage, she can leave at any time she thinks it is RIGHT, as can you. You want to try to recover your marriage but you won't force her to.

Yes I know thats uninstinctive but thats the answer to use IME.

You're doing great ! Ciao !

Totally agree with BobPure.

Brae - if your wife is amenable, I am sure MrsKahuna would be happy to email her. My wife is great with WW's. Your situation is quite similar to what mine was.

You are in an enviable position here - I hope you realise that. Most BS's still in the trenches would kill to be where you are at.

I know it doesn't feel like it but you are in a great position and in good shape.

BP* Enjoy Rome. I am sure the weather is better there than in good old blighty at the moment!!!

Manipulating you into not mentioning her affair. the time will come when you can have your questions answered without damaging plan A. Be patient.

I don't really talk much about the affair anymore at the moment, I think we have done it to death and for now I have most of the answers I need.

BigK Thanks for the reassurance. I do read a lot of the other posts and I do see people in far worse situations than myself. It doen't make it any easier though.
As regards e-mail to Mrs BigK. I dont think she would go for that right now, she does not seem interested yet in reading SAA or anything else, she just says that is other people not her. Thanks for the offer though

BP*, BigK. If she is crashing do I need to anything other the Plan A and keeping an eye on her?

No Brae - Stay the course.

Tell your wife that MrsK felt exactly the same way she does. EXACTLY OK - MrsK can help her Brae if she desires.

BigK. Thanks again for the offer. If I think the time is right I will mention it to her but I don't think she would go for it at the moment.

BigK. Did your wifes feelings come back gradually, I know you have mentioned how she forced herself to have SF with you, when she did this had she already started to get some of her feelings back or was she still in the empty phase.

Brae

Read what the Doc says about the love bank .

Its a naff name and concept for a British bloke but its crucial to understand it.

In summary by doing things that make deposits in this love bank, and by avoiding behaviours that cause withdrawals, your missus will develop loving feelings towards you.

Its just a picture that explains how any of us falls in love sustainably.

Thats why in Plan A you meet the ENs you are permitted to without making a withdrawal. That hugging stuff is usually a lovebuster until withdrawal is quite advanced because many or most WS really don't feel much positive about the BS during and just after their A.

In Squids case I concentrated on being a great Dad ( Family Commitment), looking , smelling and dressing great (Physical attractiveness), , intelligent compliments regarding stuff I admired in her ( admiration), doing stuff around the house (domestic support) etc etc.

I couldn't do the SF and affection stuff because of Squids spikiness in withdrawal ( like your missus) so I backed off it. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

So you see as your W moves further into NC, and you continue increasing your lovebank ($lb) balance with her, those feelings are very likely to come back. Dr H says that, not just me !

Affairs are incredible adrenaline and dopamine highs, brae, its hard for a many years BS to replace that rush until the reality of the destructiveness of the affair and the deep blessings their BS truly is dawns on the (F)WS.

Plan A is designed to help your W love you again. Thats why its important to study and apply it.