BP* Thanks for that. I forgot to ask, how was Rome? Business or Pleasure?
The last couple of days have been a little better, I have managed to avoid all AO's and DJ's since last Sunday.
I know I just need to be patient, it is just while I am being patient I am also hurting and I just wish I could be at a point where the pain was much less than it is now, but I know only time can do that.
I also know that my situation is far better than many other people on hear and I should at least be gratefull for that

Business, Brae like 99% of my travel.

It was fun , challenging and I caught up with old friends and new interesting people so a bit of a result overall !

And Squid hugged me for AGES when I got home, and kissed me like a teenager.

She REALLY REALLY loves me. Take heart.

I do take heart from yourself and others such as BigK. Have a good weekend

BP*. BigK etc Confused again!!
Had quite a nice weekend together, got on quite well even managed to laugh and joke occasionally, but last night we were talking and I asked how we were doing and about NC, (F?)WW said that there had been no contact since the last time I know about(5.5 weeks ago), but that sometimes she would like to see OM. She explained that sometimes she really misses him, she does not think about him every day but when she is really down she thinks about him and sometimes she would like to see him. I can accept this, as I know she will continue to miss him for a while, one problem is that for the last couple of weeks she has been telling me that she doesn't really think about him anymore and that she is over him. She said that she was trying not to hurt my feelings, and I explained that I need her to be honest with me all the time.
I asked her, if the OM contacted her and asked to see her what would she say, she said it hadn't happened so she didn't know. She said she would try and say no, and she thought she could, it was just if he caught her on one of her low days. I told her this was not acceptable and she had to commit fully to NC. She said she was trying but because she felt so empty towards me and sometimes felt so low, she hoped she would say no but didn't know for sure.
This morning she seems a little more commited, she said she is commited to trying to save the marriage and commited to NC, she said she is 99.9% sure she would say no and has sworn on my and her lives that she will not see OM while we are still together or still working on our marriage, for example in a trial separation. She said that if we don't work out, she wants it to be about us and not OM.
I asked how she thought I was doing and if I was doing anything wrong or if there was anything else I could be doing and she said I was doing a geat job and she had noticed a lot of the changes I had made
Do you think I should be worried about this? Or should I just accept it as good as I am going to get at this stage?

Worried ? you should be DELIGHTED that your WW is having moments of lucidity and feels safe enough to share this with you !

It's testament to your success in making her feel safe.

You need to work on your diplomacy a bit : use "i feel" statements not " unnacceptable" stetements to her.

But you're doing great !

Keep it up - a tight plan A. Take good days and bad days as they present, but concentrate on your march regardless, like a good soldier.

* delighted ! * <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks BP*.
Another thing she said was that she didn't feel that she could carry on for another couple of months feeling as she does, feeling so empty and somedays feeling so rock bottom. Some days she says she feels fine but does not know what makes her feel low some days and ok on others.
I said that it should get easier and we would just have to see how things went. I think this is one of the reasons she is finding it difficult to commit to the recovery

Braeworth

All withdrawing WS feel low and like their misery will never end. They ALL do.

This too shall pass.

She hasn't noticed yet that she has clearly ALREADY improved her outlook. Its happening slowly and confusingly to her.

NC is the key.

You can tell her " I don't want to live in a loveless marriage either, but I care enough about us that I am willing to do my best to try to make it work hoping that this hurtful time shall pass as affair emotions, positive and negative fade into context.

Remember as much as I love you I will not chain you to this marriage. You can leave anytime you think it's right. "

Takes guts but thats true.

Finally, asess her mood by her actions, not hr words.

Squid cursed me up and down and threatened all sort of plagues....while she was buying our kids next term uniforms, planning meals for us, taking no steps to move out etc etc.

What you DO is what you care. Not what you say.

BP*. Do you think I should be worried about her wanting to see OM, and worried about her breaking NC or should I just accept that this is normal while she is getting over him. I thought 5.5 weeks in to NC, and the A being relatively short she would be quite a way through withdrawal

Affairs are an addiction Brae. It hurts for you to hear she misses OM but the honesty is very encouraging.

Withdrawal is individual to each person Brae. Also as I have told you before many WS don;t actually WANT to get over OP and feel good about their M again, because to acknowledge THAT is to acknowledge their wholly unjustified wickedness.

If an A is "true love" its sort of got a bottle of turd polish on it.

Its all good there Brae. Keep up plan A and think about what personal boundaries you may soon enforce.

BP* I think my personal boundary is that I am not prepared to live without love indefinitely and soon I need to see her working to recover this marriage.

Don't worry bout things you can't control.

If she wants to break NC you can't stop her.

Did you ever find out who OM is from a data source OTHER than your WW ?

Exposure would help a lot here.

I think she is commited to NC, she just has bad days.
I never really found out about OM, but I do know that he has not made contact for nearly six weeks now and she has sworn to me, on her and my lives, that for the sake of DD, that no matter how low she gets she will not break NC. I don't think she is doing to bad she just sometimes finds it hard and I don't want to risk stirring up a hornets nest or bringing OM back into the picture while things are going reasonably OK

You need to find out who OM is and who there is in his life who can effect his NC eagerness.

You really really do.

Otherwise you are hoping that he will do the decent thing.

Hoping a OM will behave is a marriage-supporting manner and building your hopes and expectations on that is pretty frail, Brae.

Hope is not a plan.

Hire a PI if necessary and find out all you can.

When I found out all about OM I corrected my then very foggy Squid about some fact she gave me about him.

It startled her that I new EVEYTHING about this twat she told me nothing.

Be like Switzerland : peaceable but armed to the teeth in recovery.

When I exposed to OM GF, Squid couldn;t choose to contact OM if she felt lonely or missed him. He dropped her like a sack of cack.

Do it brae.

BP*. What I do know is that he is separated for just over a year, his wife left him for another man who she now lives with(Ironic or what!!!) and he does not have a GF. I will try and find out more information.
I do have an exposure plan for maximum destruction if NC is broken, I have done some limited exposure so far which does seem to have done the trick.
(F?)WW is trying hard and has so far stuck to NC for nearly six weeks, she was honest with me yesterday, but also told me she will maintain NC and that what she really wants is to get our marriage back, she has noticed the changes I have made and has said I am doing a great job.
If she continues to make the effort, I will not rock the boat.
I think she was just having a bad day yesterday, she says she doesn't think about him every day just when she is really low. These low days seem to be getting less. For now I will just stick with Plan A and continue snooping.

If your source of info is your WW its probably wrong.

Partly because waywards lie, but also because OM probably lied to her too.

OM in my case told Squid he was on the point of splitting with his long term GF etc and it was all drivel.
Find out about OM. No need to tell you W right now.

Just find out what you can.

Ok will do

good man !

Well 6 weeks in to NC and not sure where we are.
(F?)WW has told me she feels really angry and resentful towards me, she doesn't know why. She does keep lashing out at the slightest thing, I am doing a good job of biting my tongue but do sometimes react. For the first few weeks of NC at least we were getting on, in the main. In some ways I feel we are doing worse than ever, she is showing no signs of trying to reconnect or recover yet.
My only thought is that maybe this is her moving from Withdrawal to conflict

Almost all withdrawing W are spiteful Brae. You need to stow that reacting thing. It just feeds her negativity torwards you.

Is it possible she is in contact with OM ?

Every contact - even a txt message - can set the withdrawal clock back to zero.

Do all you can to identify OM.

I also think you need to make sure your W knows that while you want to work on your mariage, you have no intention of living like you are right npow for very long.

And that your W can leave any time she chooses if she is so unhappy at the prospect of working on your marriage with you.

And that she needs to understand you can do that too.

I suspect contact as well.

But PLEASE STOP LISTENING TO HER DRIVEL!!!!!!