BP*. I think I maybe did go over the top, asking her the same questions over and over again.

Asking a WS for infor isn't that useful usually. If they're lying, they'll just get angry and you'll find out nothing. If they're telling the truth, they'll just get angry and you'll find out nothing.

What worked with me is saying to Squid that she could go anywhere, do what she thought was right, but that if she wanted to rebuild my confidence in her she'd need to giv eme no reason to worry. This means being transparent. Thats was better than me asking lots of questions.

BP*. I am beginning to realise that now. I think she is keeping to NC.

8 Weeks of NC today!!!! Good!!!
My (F?)WW is maintaining NC which I am really pleased about but other than that nothing much has changed she still has absolutely no feelings for me and does not appear to have yet committed to our recovery.
She tells me that when she is low she still really misses OM, that this is not all the time and she will maintain NC, because if we don't work out she wants it to be about us not OM,
I think I did some damage a couple of weeks ago when I thought I was breaking NC, I did some love busting and had a few AO's. I was WRONG!!.
I am now doing a flawless Plan A, but am starting to worry if her feelings will actually return, I don't know what else I can do. I know it is still relatively early days but thought as her A was relatively short I would have started to see some progress by now

Hi brae

If she is in NC and you are meeting her ENs she should feel something by now.

Either she is manipulating you, is in contact or she is really mentally checked out of your marriage.

I have seen one couple on here where the WH stayed in the M being misery arsed for a while in order for the BW to kick him out. That way he continued with OW while looking like a hero who tried to work on his marriage.....

Could you live without her Braeworth ? If so you need to let her know that you don't want her to have to live in a loveless marriage any more than you want to yourself, and that she should move on if neither of you are happy.

Don't say it if you don't mean it however.

It should catalyse some response from her. You need to be able to cope with all possible responses though Brae.

I thought my LB's and AO's when I thought she was breaking NC may have knocked us back a bit. Maybe I just need to continue with a really good Plan A for a while longer

I don't want to push her into leaving because I think right now, as she feels so empty she would prefer to leave. I don't want to end this without a fight.
I think I need to try a consistently good Plan A for a few weeks without any LB's and AO's.
I have been meeting her EN's but I am not sure I have done it consistently long enough without any LB's or AO's. I am doing much better at this now and think maybe I should stick with this for a few more weeks if she is willing to stay.

Plan A for as long as you can do it without feeling like a door mat.

You must have boundaries though. And your WW must know them.

I will continue with Plan A as long as (F?)WW will stay and as long as NC is maintained.
I am not being treated as a door mat. I had a long hard look at myself a few days ago as i realised that I kept spoiling my Plan A with LB's and AO's, especially when I thought NC had been broken. I now know I was wrong and that I would not have fallen in love with myself the way I was behaving, I was going through a stage of paranoia.
I have sorted myself out and am doing well now, so I will keep going with a flawless Plan A until he feelings (hopefully)return

BP*. BigK. Any comments

Brae,

No specific advice. I would expect her to be coming around soon if there is NC though. Have you asked her about doing the EN survey?

BigK. She wouldn't do the EN survey, I did manage to get her to list her top 5 in order though and I have been concentrating on meeting these. I asked her last night if there was anything that I wasn't doing or was doing wrong, she said I was doing fine and she could see the effort from me and felt guilty that despite all this she didn't have any feelings. I think one of the reasons she hasn't come round yet is that last week and maybe some of the week before I did a lot of LB's and AO's when I thought she was breaking NC, she wasn't.
I am lucky that she is still here, she still sleeps in my bed(even I am not allowed to touch her other than the odd hug or kiss), I am now working on a perfect Plan A with no LB's and AO's

My wife was similar. At one point, after 4 weeks of NC she realised she needed to invest in the marriage. That was a turning point.

BigK Thanks, I think maybe she hasn't yet committed because I kept blowing up and destroying any Plan A work. I am doing much better now so we will see what happens

Brae, MrsK returned home because she wanted to end the pain our kids were in. At some point she realised that she needed to give our marriage the best chance for recovering despite her feelings about me which were negative.

NC breaks the addiction. Most WS's (female ones) will realise that their children are better off in a loving marriage and home. So generally speaking they will return or begin to return emotionally to the marriage.

My wife decided as an act of will and an act of Love - even though she did not love me, that she would DO what needed to be done regardless of her feelings (the total opposite of her emotions leading her in her affair). She decided, that she would resume SF etc as an act of her will or an act of love despite her feelings.

Feelings follow action. The feelinds DO follow.

So #1 is NC because it breaks the fantasy and addiction.
#2 is hopefully she will decide she cannot live in a loveless marriage - as you should and decide to give the marriage her best shot.

BigK. Thanks for that, I will stick with my perfect Plan A for a couple more weeks and then try and get her to commit a bit more and shwo me some love

BP*, BigK and other. Have you seen many other cases on here where despite NC and a good Plan A the (F?)WW could not get any feelings back for BH.
I am pretty sure the feeling were there before the A, which didn't last very long and the lack of passion from her was how I knew straight away that there was something wrong. This is really starting to get me down

Hi Brae

Sure, Brae, some marriages don't recover despite all the best ingredients.

However, I look back at my journals for eight weeks of NC and I was still celebate, with a snappy, resentful wife who made sure at every opportunity that I knew she was there under sufferance.

In fact at eight weeks I found a knock-off CD of "love songs " (puke) that OM made for Squid and in anger I chucked it at the wall. It smashed.

Squid as apopleptic with rage. I decided as she was raging that I didn;t need that crap in my life.

I asked her " Squid,why are you here ? Is THIS wat you call " working on ou rmarriage ?". If that makes you so angry and unhappy you can leave any time. I want you and a recocered M but I no longer NEED you. Don't worry that I won't cope without you. I will. Have a good think about what you want to do, bearing in mind I would not have you chained to this marriage. Consider and do what is right".

That was a real wake up call for her. She started softening over the next couple of weeks.

I did know a couple whose WH stayed home and deliberately did not contribute to recovery so that it would look like he had given his marrige a shot before leaving to be with OW. But there was contact in that sitch to prevent $LB deposits working.

BP*. Thanks again. The anger seems to have gone from her, that was last week and the week before. This week we seem to be getting on Ok. I am doing well with no LB's etc. Everything on the whole is not too bad it is just this lack of feelings but she says she still feels absolutely nothing for me and I know this worries her as well.
I am 99.9% sure there is NC and I am hoping that the feelings not returning is due to my LB's and AO's last week and before when I thought NC had been broken. Maybe I emptied the Love Bank and am back at square one.
It is really worrying me though, I am worried that these feelings will never return and despite all my efforts and hers, ending the A and maintaining NC(although I would like to see more from her) we are doomed to fail

Brae:

This has nothing to do with you right now.

Continue Plan A.

Avoid the LB and AO's

Snoop discretely.

Meet her EN's as best as you can.

Become the H she really wants.

Be Happy and Fun

Be a great Dad.

If NC is in place, then the feelings will return.

Read JWMC's thread. It took him 8 months to get to SF with his WW.

But he worked the plans and remained steadfast in his resolve.

Just like BP notes, sometimes you need to do something that points out that your not waiting around forever. (throwing a CD, and then stating, "why are you here?")

But you do it calmly, without shouting.

Your WW traveled far away. She needs to travel the same distance, and more, back.

That suxs, but that's how it is....

How can this not be about you? Look at all the things that you have to do!

Because if you keep doing all these things, she will HAVE to fall back in love with you, because you are the man she married, and the father of your children, and your even BETTER now.

And if she doesn't, then it doesn't matter, and that was her choice.

But eight weeks? Thats on the short end of the process around here. I would give it at least 2 more months, and then maybe plan for a Plan B time.

And as slow as it seems to be going? Your doing well.

LG