BigK. I wasn't saying it should change, my question was, if I should continue to initiate SF now, or is that coming across as neediness.
Her EN's are conversation, affection, admiration, family commitment. I believe I am doing a good job at meeting these.
She doesn't orgasm at the moment, this was never a problem pre-A, she says the SF is nice but not the same. She agree to recommence SF because of the fact that it can help recreate an emotional bond

Hi Brae


If you have asked her a question and this is her answer I am going to come over there and hit you with a copy of HN/HN !!!

A while back I offered a position contrary to make Big K if you remember, where he said SF is an EN, a requirement of marriage and a known generator of intimacy.

I said that some people need SF to be generated out of love, and it can be a bruising thing to have SF in the wrong context.

Thing is, brae, we were both right.

There is merit in initiating SF as an EN fulfiller and as an intimacy building action, unless the context is wrong FOR YOU and it is contributing to your negative feelings.

Do you think your initiation is needy?

It doesn't matter if she says it's different. It IS different. Your whole MARRIAGE is different and will never be the same again.

If she is happy to have SF with you, I see no reason why you should stop. Pick a course of action, stick with it and stop second guessing yourself.

BigK, BP*. Thanks again for yesterday, it really helped. It was a lights on moment.
She has read Fall in Love Stay in Love, she knows that we both have to meet each others EN's to create that "In Love" feeling. I am doing all I can to meet her EN', she sees that. She also knows that SF helps to build intimacy, so I think that this is why she is having SF.
I know our marriage will never be the same.

BigK, BP*
You guys really helped yesterday. I was just seeking clarification on the SF. She is trying her best to meet my EN's, my question is really, am I pushing her away by initiating SF to try and help recreate an emotional bond. SF is one of my top EN's but not one of hers.
From yesterdays conversation I could see where I had been screwing up, I was just seeking some help on this issue

Well Brae I asked you before if you thought you initiated in a needy manner. You didn't answer.

I also said this:

BigK. Do I initiate in a needy manner?
I don't plead for SF, my concern is that when I initiate SF she may feel obliged to agree because she knows how important it can be to our recovery and as one of my needs. I have told her in the past that if she is uncomfortable or just does not feel like it for whatever reason to just tell me

ok.

Don't link it anymore to your recovery.

What do you do when you initiate?

DID you take the depression test Brae?

At the moment,I would normally only initiate if we have spent some UA time together first and shown her some affection, I would then ask her if she felt like making love. I don't do this everytime we have UA time or everytime we have affecton.
Pre D-day, I wouldn't have done anything as cold as asking her, I would have just initiated and taken things from there, but as you said things are different now and I don't want to make her uncomfortable or to feel obliged.

I did take the test, came out as mild depression, but that was yesterday, if I had taken it last week, I would have come out ok I think.

what was the score?

13

Maybe you want to consider normalising your marriage rather than worrying every minute if you are upsetting her. Like Bob said - move on with your life.

I have always found that scheduled sex works best - that way you won't appear pathetic by asking her. Have you ever scheduled sex?

It doesn't mean spontaneous sex can't also happen if the mood strikes but a PLAN to meet EN's is very important - not just for sex either.

I'd be surprised if you wouldn't benefit from AD's or if your score was a bit higher.....

I realised yesterday that was not what I was doing and to stop analysing everything, i just know that SF can be a complicated EN

Brae, have you ever wondered why Dr H lists SF as a separate emotional need from affection, admiration or recreational companionship ?

Having romantic SF is lovely but don't think good, rewarding SF can only be romantic.

Needful SF can be very fulfilling even separate from romance. Ever enjoyed a knee-trembler in the open air for example ? Exciting wasn't it ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But hardly romantic with the fear of being discovered !

If SF is a high need of yours receive your WS efforts to meet it with thanks and do not add layers of portent to it in order to make it feel disappointing to you.

As a SECONDARY benefit, SF tends to bond couples in intimacy too.

I know you want genuine love and romance, and while that grows you can enjoy having your other ENS met by your W too. Do not reject her efforts at meeting your ENs because she doesn't manifest romantic love for you right now.

Yeah

What Bob said.

BigK. I was as honest as I could be on the Depresson test. I was down yesterday but for a few weeks I have been pretty good on the whole.
We have scheduled SF previously, worth a try.

BP* I am not rejecting her meeting my EN's, my worry was that i realised how much of a dogs breakfast I had been making of things and of my life, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't making things worse by initiating SF.

I will stop analysing things and get on with living my and our lives

Thanks again guys, I will try and give you some peace for a few weeks. You really did help me yesterday