JL,

Thanks for responding, I've moved your post over to my thread and replied there.

MW

Screwed up. Need Help.

Well things were going fine, MrsBrae had started to fall back in love with me and things were improving quite well but a couple of days back I just got angry, don't really know why just started ranting about how it had all been about MrsBrae, how she had done nothing to help me heal and was too busy with her own pity party. Lots of AO's and LB's.

So now MrsBrae says I have washed way all those feelings that had returned, she feels empty again and doesn't think that she will be able to get them back again. She knows about the Love Bank etc and I explained that it happened once it can happen again.

Don't need any 2x4's right now, I know what I have done, just feeling so so low right now, could do with some support. I know it is fairly normal for the BS to get angry around the 6 month point, it will be 6 months of NC next week but I have really messed up

Please help!!

I bought Squid a bunch of flowers with a note that read


And get on with the MB process that has worked so well for you.

Recovery is called a rollercoaster for good reason, mate.

I think she is manipulating you BTW about that "feels empty again". Squid tried this too.

Just do what you did, Brae and stow those LBs.

Hi Brae,

Ditto what Bob said. In addition:

I was reading SAA again last night and there is a section toward the end on how the BS has to deal with resentment. It might help you to re-read that.

I also think you need to put this episode into perspective. It might not feel like it to you but I doubt that the sky is falling in just because you lost it once in six months of otherwise good behaviour. LBs are obviously things to avoid but you are human after all. It would be unrealistic to think that either of you will go through life together without screwing up. Just try to identify what set you off and try to eliminate the chance of it happening again.

As Bob said, focus on doing what you know is right and the results will follow. Apart from this incident you have obviously been doing great otherwise she wouldn't still be there.

Thanks Bob,
Just don't know what happened, she hadn't really done anything wrong and we were doing pretty well. I'm not normally someone who gets angry without reason. Just feel so low that I have undone so much of my good work and put us so far back.
Anyway flowers and a card it is.

P.S hope you all enjoyed your holiday

Last day of holiday today ! And the coldest day in the keys in living memory ! Just a ruse to make us want to come home I bet ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

P
thanks for the support, just feel like this has made her question whether she really does still want to be in this M again?

Bob,
Just getting you acclimatised for the snow we are having LOL

Your human frailty hasn't undone anything brae. Its a salient lesson about lovebusters.

Thanks Bob,
I'll let you enjoy what is left of your holiday.
I'll just get back to what i was doing but it just feels like we have taken a big step backwards.

brae,

Whenever you have screwed up in the past, you have spent ages crucifying yourself over it and obsessing over scenarios of doom that will surely come as a consequence. None of those happened. From what you have said, I doubt they will do now.

Remind yourself of the recovery time line you expected - you are still in the early stages.

This is likely to be just a blip.

As Bob said, just take it as a lesson. Do something positive with it rather than dwell on a million things that might happen as a consequence.

Judge what Mrs Brae thinks by her actions not her words.

In any case, you can't undo the past. Focus on what you do from here.

I'm hardly qualified to dispense advice to you. I'm just repeating some things that have been said to you before when you have been in a similar frame of mind.

* applauds * Bravo ! * claps ! *

P
Thanks for the reminder, I spent ages obssesing about her feelings not returning and then when i could stop worrrying about that I went and blew it again. If we managed to get them back once, and from a far worse place we can do it again.

Brae

Exactly!

'...just feel like this has made her question whether she really does still want to be in this M again?'

So what if it has? I'm sure she asks herself that on a regular basis. You have already described her fluctuating feelings of love for you. Her answer must be that it's worth it, because she's still there trying.

I know it's hard but it isn't very productive for you to dwell on how a past event will affect Mrs Brae because you can't change the fact that it has happened.

All you can do is affect what you do from now on. So, the heartfelt apology card and flowers is a great idea. So too is trying to work out what triggered you and being ready to handle it next time. Organise something pleasant to do with each other over the next couple of days - anything to stop you worrying about what you can't change. Do anything that will have a beneficial impact on your relationship.

Come on Mate, you know that you will snap out of this morose state of mind in a couple of days.

Well, over 8 months into recovery now and things are going well. We still have some issues to work through and I am sometimes left with a feeling BobPure has talked about of not setting the bar high enough, but on the whole things are pretty good, so I thought it was time to sign off on this thread and I will start a new one if I need any advice in the future.
Just wanted to thank everyone who helped me along the way, but in particular BobPure and BigKahuna for the much needed 2x4's and of course the Harleys.

I thought I would include a list of things that I have learnt along the way, some of which took a long time for me to grasp

1) Do not beg or plead
2) Do not be clingy, back off and stay cool
3) Expose to as many people as you can and as soon as you can, do not listen to WW's threats about the consequences.
4) Do not believe a word that comes out of the waywards mouth, no matter if they swear on kids life or anything else.
5) Be the person they fell in love with, not some whining crying wreck
6) Appear strong and do not let them see you cry, no matter how much you are crying inside.
7) Learn loving detachment(see Bob toolkit), do not listen to the hurt and abuse thrown at you. The FWW will not believe the things they said and did, and they will have a hard time dealing with themselves, once they come out of the fog.

I and other people on here are living proof that this stuff really works.

** Applauds ** !


Amen ! Great summary !

brae:
I've never seen your posting before today, but I want to let you know I have printed out your words of advice and will attempt to follow them. The "Don't be clingy" part is tough with all that has happened but I will try to follow your words. Thank you for sharing!
~wadeallie

Wadeallie,

I know it is tough, if you have time to read all of this thread, you will see that I really struggled with this at first. It was only when, with the help of people on here, I grasped these basic rules, that things really started to turn around.
I am not familiar with your story, but when I get time I will take a look.
Good luck to you in this tought time

Brae

Brae: I did read thru the early stages of your story and I can identify. The confusion we feel from our spouse's betrayal and the roller coaster ride they make us experience. The people here were a huge help talking you thru the steps.
My H of 19+ years announced in Sept. he didn't love me anymore. We worked to rebuild our marriage (so I thought) until Dec. when I found receipts for gifts I did not receive for Christmas. H confirmed he'd been having year long A with woman he met online, and altho they'd met they had NOT been physical. Our DD18 told me the A was physical because her father had not come home one night last spring when I was at a retreat. He went to live at his father's but announced that he wanted to make a life with OW. He lasted with that idea only a week when he called, crying and begging to be forgiven and let him come home. He sent OW a "Dear John" email and then a NC written letter, to which her response was to continue calling him at work until I had to speak to her over the phone. She operates thru a sex website where they advertise for Intimate Encounters and meet within 50 miles of each other's homes. She's had affairs with married men before but had never fallen for one or been caught. Now she's afraid of me (GOOD). We have been in recovery since Feb. 7 with the last phone call. No further contact so far, and altho he is still up and down with moods and admits he cries for her in his car, I believe he's coming out of withdrawal.
Without the advice and support here, I would've gone over the edge for sure. I was close at times and have lost 25 pounds but I'm seeing the rainbow peeking thru the black clouds!
Thank you for sharing your story as it helps many of us now!
~wadeallie

Well Done Brae! I'm so pleased for you and so pleased I was able to assist.