Hello all. Let me first say that I have been reading most of the threads on MB for about a year and a half now. I discovered MB around the time of my divorce: separated 09/15/05, divorce final 11/30/05. I had an emotional affair online that lasted about 6 weeks from September 2001 until late October 2001. We recovered from that because it really wasn't a significant factor in our marraige - either pro or con. It simply didn't matter. We had other problems. Anger, lack of communication, getting married more because it seemed like the right thing to do, instead of because it was something that we both really wanted. The marraige did produce an amazing little girl who is 8 years old now. She seems to have handled the divorce much better than either of her parents, although her mom, my ex-wife, is now well adjusted and, from an outside perspective, seems very happy.

So........here I am. Divorced for 1 1/2 years and feeling very needy, alone, afraid, and without much self confidence in almost all areas of my life. I have been seeing someone for the past 6 months and that relationship is very up and down. It is mostly my fault because I live in constant fear that she is going to cheat on my or leave me altogether. The crazy part is that although either of these scenarios would hurt like ******, in the long run it would be a relief. I don't think that we are going to last as a couple, but I don't know how to end it because I am so needy and insecure and I crave validation.

BTW, I did not used to be this way at all. I feel that I have transformed into a hollow shell of the person I once was. I used to be fun, I smiled a lot, I had dreams, aspirations, a positive outlook on life, etc. Now I have thoughts of despair and hopelessness most of the time. Are these feelings normal? Has anyone else felt this way after a divorce? I could really use anyone's input as to some of the feelings you felt or are still feeling post divorce.

Thank you anyone who is generous enough to respond to this post. I think this is one of the most supportive websites in the world.

-Chris

I think it is normal to feel hopeless, hurt, down, and unlovable, when a marriage ends - especially if you were the dumpee. Most of us have been there.

The key is, what do you do about it. For me, after my then-wife moved out, I started rediscovering myself - and found that I had become someone I didn't want to be in the marriage. And slowly, as I started regaining my old self, I felt more and more relieved, to the point of being happy without my ex-W. Not that I was happy being divorced, but rather that I learned that I could be happy despite being divorced. Make sense?

As far as the GF, again, BTDT. I started dating someone after my wife moved out but before divorce was final (shoot me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ). It was a total rebound, an attempt to feel wanted and validated again. And it did help in that regard. But it was a bandaid. It actually thwarted my personal recovery and growth.

It was only after I broke up with her and started spending time on my own that I started true recovery. There is a good saying along the lines of "you must love yourself before you can love others". If you feel as bad about yourself as you stated, then your GF is neither good for you, nor you for her. But you already know that.

Anyway, there is nothing abnormal about you or how you feel. But you get to choose your actions, and your recovery will be driven by those actions. So choose carefully and wisely. Being in the relationship you described is probably not the right first step. But you know that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Spend some time alone, become fun again, and then think about relationships.

AGG

AGG, I hear what you're saying. I have been reading a good book on divorce recovery which mirrors much of what you have said.

The thing is, I have spent time alone. Perhaps not enough, though. I began dating after about 9 months of being alone. It was over a year before I actually felt romantic toward another woman. Without putting a definite time frame on things, is it possible that I have not spent enough time alone?

When you say that it was only after you broke up with your GF that you started true recovery, how much time did it take? I know that it is a process, but in a nutshell what are we talking here? 1 year? 2 years? 3 years? 5 years? How long did the bulk of your recovery take?

Chris

Are these two quotes related?

I dunno, many would argue that I am still nowhere near recovered, hehe.

It's not a step process, but a gradual one. I look back now, and realize that I was not as recovered at different points as I thought I was at the time.

The key (to me) is to learn to be happy on your own. Not to rely on someone else making you happy or whole. Not that you should be a hermit - go see freinds, get hobbies, focus on your beautiful daughter, etc. Just don't get tangled up romantically with someone to whom you cannot be a healthy partner, or vice versa.

AGG

Hi Chris,

I'm right with you. The self-esteem hit; the feeling that I won't find a decent relationship again. I found a good book (yeah, I know, not ANOTHER book). "Spritual Divorce." A point made in the book is that this bad thing that has happened to us causes us to live in a drama ("I'm not lovable, I can't trust women, People aren't there for me when I need them, Love doesn't 1ast, etc."). The first step according to this book is to separate facts from fiction in your life. Then, you have to accept the facts. For example, "My wife left me" (a fact in my case) versus "My wife left me because I'm unworthy of love" (fiction).

I think in my case, living the drama, is keeping me down. Not only the marriage, but a bunch of other sad events over the past year and a half contribute to the drama. I can see an improvement already, by converting a lot of fiction into facts. I feel that once I truly accept the facts, I will be ready for a new relationship. In the meantime, like AGG suggested, I depend on myself, and improve myself (I am still an awesome Dad, working out (dropped 15 lbs!), getting finances in order, getting the job in order, etc.). I have also reconnected with family and old friends. When it's time for a new relationship, I intend on being complete. I firmly believe that if you are in a bad mindset (especially low self-esteem), you attract a like partner.

Giles

WOW Giles,
You hit the nail on the head!!!!!!!!!

I would come up with a plan.
my ex and i have been apart now, it will be 2 years in july. i have made many changes in my life that i always wanted to make but i still don't feel quite done yet. it is easy to become complacent. and that is not what i want. i was that way for too long in my marriage and vowed never to be that way again. i made many dramatic changes, lost a bunch of weight and got about half way to my goal (after gaining a bunch during the most depressing times in my marriage. not caring is an awful place to be) but now have been standing still at this weight and actually bouncing around the same 20 pounds or so. i made a lot of house changes, financial changes, etc, but than got to a comfy spot and stopped working so hard.

so, i sat down just recently and did a lot of thinking. i don't want to be comfy until i feel like i am exactly where i want to be. so, i have made up a one year goal plan that i have written down and a to do list to do each day to get to these goals. things like, i want to be at my weight goal by the end of that year, i want to be in a better place financially, i want to get the house and yard the best that they can be should the time come that i want or need to sell it within the year. i want "x" amount in savings by the end of that year, etc. and at the end of that year, i will make new goals for the next one year stretch. so i guess i will never be quite done or quite comfy, but continually improving.

it has scared me that, after doing so much hard work when my ex left, that i got to a comfy place and felt the need to not work towards anymore. it did not feel "right". i am glad i caught myself because i DON'T EVER WANT TO BE LIKE THAT.

maybe some long term goals would be helpful for you?

mlhb

Some clarity in my case for those of you kind enough to read and offer suggestions and advise: My wife did not leave me.........we mutually agreed that we would be happier if we split up. My self esteem is not wounded by her, it is falling apart due to my own guilt and sense of loss about the end of a long marriage. I went from seeing my beautiful daughter every day to seeing her only a few times a week. Sometimes I have to go 5 days without seeing her. That's the worst.

So, I have met someone else and have fallen in love with her. She is going through her own grief due to many failed relationships after her marriage ended 13 years ago. She is also grieving the death of her youngest son which occured 2 1/2 years ago.

Why is it that we are supposed to remain alone and heal after a relationship ends when that is the time we are most in need of another person? Doesn't that seem sadly ironic? Isn't it possible to heal and grow and grieve and spend time with another person simultaneously? Is the general consensus here that I will not move forward if I continue this relationship with my girlfriend. How do you know when you've found true love and not just some illusion of it?

Thanks for reading. All opinions are welcomed.

-Chris

Chris, when we are very needy, we sometimes use other people. We don't mean to do it. But, it feels so good to be with them. I think we are so needy that in the relationship we are focused almost exclusively on how that person makes us feel. We can ignore warning signs that there are major incompatibilities, or that neither of us is particularly stable.

Then, one day, we are feeling a lot better. And we look at the person we thought we loved, and we don't need them any more. And we wonder what we ever saw in them.

I didn't do this after my divorce, but I did do it several times while I was in college. I feel a great deal of remorse about it.

GG, I know what you are saying, but aren't we always in need of another person. Isn't that what draws two people together in the first place? If we didn't need someone else, why would any of us get together at all?

Also, do you believe that it's possible to love someone and not feel particularly great about yourself or your life all at the same time? Is it possible that love comes to us when we are not really prepared for it? Should we turn our backs to love just because we are not in the best place emotionally?

What do you think?

Chris, there’s a big difference between the sort of need two people have for each other, the type of need that makes them feel happier in each other’s presence, and neediness. The latter is more like “I’m afraid, worried, insecure, nervous, anxious and a mess when I don’t have someone in my life.” The former is more “My life was good before, I was happy, but now it’s even better.”

In MB terms, the latter type is when you need someone to fill your emotional needs. The former is when you need someone to help define who you are, fill huge holes in your spirit, and make you feel worthy.

I do believe love will come when the time is right. On the other hand, I believe when we are scared and hurt, we do not always see clearly. I think that’s why we suggest taking a new relationship slowly no matter what. That means some self-discipline, knowing that the initial jolt of “love” may only be infatuation or lust, limiting the time spent together in the beginning, and asking the hard questions.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear. You want to hear that God sent you this person when you needed someone the most. Maybe he did, but that only means you have to be doubly responsible you don’t inadvertently use her and break her heart in the end.

Just remember, fear and pain cloud your senses and your common sense. To use an analogy, if you have a badly fractured leg, and someone offers you heroin, the heroin is going to look like a gift from heaven.

No and no. Need is absolutely NOT a good way to start off a life partnership. Much better for a new relationship to ENHANCE what is already a happy, whole life.

Human interaction is definitely important. If you do not have a strong network of friends, I'd suggest you work on that first. It will help with the "lonelies" while you're trying to pull yourself together.

Bringing a romantic partner into your life while you are still trying to heal is not just a bad idea. It's a cruel thing to do to the potential woman. You owe it to your future wife -- and yourself -- to get healthy before you get involved with her.