My D was final on Tuesday. Why does it still hurt? My WH was congratulated by his atty when the notification from the court came through. How can someone be congratulated on such a thing? How can someone be congratulated on leaving his loyal and faithful wife to have an A with a co-worker?

I tried so hard for the past year to work on myself in hopes of reconciling my M because I believed that M is a lifelong commitment. My "Christian" WH left me only to bring the OW to his "new" church and start a "new" life with her.

It still hurts. Knowing that the D is final hurts even more. I am heartbroken all over again. I prayed so hard for my WH to soften his heart and repent of his sin. Never once did he show remorse. When I saw him two weeks ago, he looked at me in disgust. He treated me like the roadblock. I waited for the romantic A to fizzle but it never did. Instead the OW was baptized this Easter while WH proudly watched. My story doesn't make sense, none of our stories do. I am extremely puzzled, wondering why God never interceded in this mess. God has a better plan but in the midst of all of this confusion, I'm just not seeing it.

I'm exhausted from fighting so hard for my M and now I've lost this battle. I am officially a "divorcee." It feels horrible. WH has OW and I have nothing.

Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. I thank you for following my story since I joined MB.

No, you do not have nothing. You have a LOT.
First, you do't have people who say things about you behind your back the way your ex and his girlfriend do. And, trust me, there's plenty of nasty gossip going on when they aren't there.

Second, you have your peace of mind. You tried your best to do what's right. That is nothing.

Third, you have trust. Yes, you do. Imagine having chosen someone who you knew didn't have the fortitude to resist an affair. And, never once accepted that the affair was wrong and turned away from it. I think it's the last element that gets me. I could marry someone who had had an affair in the past if he had learned from his mistake. But, someone who didn't even acknowledge it was wrong... That I have a problem with.

So, Let's see I've named three things you have. There are more. But, let's look at your X. He's got a flame. This flame has just gotten baptistized. Now, if she's new to religion, it's likely to go one of two ways: first, she drops it like a hot potato in a year or two, second way she really embraces it which means acknowledging her part in "putting assunder" a man and wife. Oh BOY. And we know when we repent we are a lot harder on ourselves than God ever is. Guess who is going to catch it when she starts to feel remorse? HIM. Course, if she doesn't, he might start wondering about her. What's she doing working late? Why didn't she pick up her cell? Etc. And just imagine what their relationship will be like in a year when it's same old same old.

You're going to be fine, Ready.

God right now is taking this mess, or as I call them "growh opportunities," and He's fashioning it into an opportunity beyond your wildest dreams. Let Him work the magic, and the Path you are to take will become clear. I know it.

You know what I hate though? These nice little growth opportunities are so darn PAINFUL. I've had a nice little lull, except for the issue of summer camp where my x tried to bully me. His MO. I won, btw, but sticking to my guns and ignoring him when he said I was inflexible after I had made two concessions to his none. LOL.

An also BTW, I'm a Christian. But the part of God I really relate to is the Holy Ghost. That's why I talk about Paths and Light and all that stuff. I still believe in a Redeemer adn a Creater, but I love that old Ghost best.LOL.

PS: I know this is the LAST thing you are thinking about, but your early thirties are a terrific time. When the time is right, you'll be the perfect mate for a MUCH better man.

Ready,

Yes it still hurts and will for a while. Once you can step back from the emotions and look at your X for who he is and what he has done, you will probably be happy he is gone (or at least relieved he is gone).

This is now an oppurtunity for growth for you. Most of we veterans here can all tell you will walk out of this a better person and with wisdom that you cannot not imagine. It is a time to work just on you.

I won't lie, it is a tough bumby road. I am 2 1/2 years out since my X left. Most days now I don't think about her and that is a good thing. Most times when I see her, I feel nothing. But every once and a while I miss her and think I still love her. But those feelings are going away and they will for you also.

If you want encouragement... well, 2 1/2 years ago I was close to a nervous breakdown, considered suicide, I hated myself and everything about my life. But now I am in a different place, a much better place. I am content most of the time and believe God has a plan for me (just like you).

Keith

Greengables and Keith,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your encouragement and thoughts. I needed to hear all the things you had to say. I get so caught up with the emptiness inside my heart that I forget to focus on the good things (did I say that?) that have come out of a really horrible sitch. I feel like I've been through the depths of h*ll and back. There are so many details of my story that have scarred me. The battle wounds will probably always be in the back of my mind. Boy, my WH really ruined my confidence and self-esteem. He stomped all over me without hesitation.

Perhaps the finality of my D will give me a fresh start on life. I clung onto my M so tightly that I was completely drained. You know what? Through all the pain and sleepless night, I kept my integrity. I was not retaliatory but peaceful and loving. I continued to live my life obeying God. I studied scripture and served in the church. After 3 unsuccessful sessions of MC and meeting with our pastor w/ my WH, I continued with IC for myself and my M. Looking back, I know I did the right thing. I remained faithful to the Lord and to my WH. My WH was the only one man I loved but this man no longer exists.

I do want to married again and raise a family. After all the pain and growth I've experienced, I know I will have far more to offer to my future H.

Guess what, Ready? Scar tissue is a lot tougher than other tissue. You may not want a whole of scar tissue, but a little is good!

You know, my self confidence, self-trust was eroded by the time I left my X. I kept trying and trying, thinking if only I did it better, B would think I was worth changing for. It never happened. I wasn't worth the effort to him.

This was tough. But then, when I was cleaning after we separated I had one of those epiphanies. It didn't matter whether B thought I was worth while. It didn't matter if anyone else thought I had value. If fact, it didn't even matter if I thought I was worth while. What people think doesn't affect the intrinsic value. And I knew I had value because... God made me. Once I realized that, I got a lot more of my confidence back. No, that's not quite right. I had a better understanding of my purpose and value than I'd ever had before. I don't think any man will be able to take that away now.

So, what are you planning to do? Well, besides sleep. LOL.

I painted every room in my house and made about 4 new flower beds in the two years after I separated. It was a big creative phase. All this energy that had been going into a struggle could now go into somehting else.

Ready,

Realize that nothing we are telling you is lip service to just make you feel better... You are talking with veterans here that loved their spouses deeply. We were hurt beyond belief.

Trust us when we tell you it gets better. And it will get better much faster if you work on YOU! Exercise, take up a new hobbie, establish and strengthen friendships, etc, etc.

Keep venting to us.. that is why we are here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((((((Ready)))))))))

I so had hoped things would work out for you. We were on the same timeline, pretty much. I found out about my WH's A around the same time you found out about your WH's. My D should be final in a few weeks, but WH keeps postponing dates, can't make this court date, his lawyer can't make this one etc. etc. Sometimes I just want it to be over as I just can't take it anymore!

He's been gone a year now, so it's like we are D'd already, but I KNOW I will feel the same way you do after it is official. I guess the finality of it is when it will really hit me. I guess I still have hope until the judge bangs the gavel.

I don't want to be a "divorced woman". Believe it or not, it is still hard for me to even say that word.

I can relate when you say you have nothing and WH has the OW. That is EXACTLY how I feel. Yeah people tell me he's not getting a bargain, big deal, the OW, but still he has someone to talk to and sleep with every night. More than I have!

I know I should be grateful. I've got 2 great kids, but this is not the way I imagined my life would be. I mean who did on this board?

Green... The sentence that you wrote about your WH not thinking you were worth the effort. That is so how I feel. I practically begged him to give me a chance for him to see how I have changed, which I honestly have. It took MANY hours of counseling for me to get where I am today. But he thinks it will all go back to how it was and he won't try again.

Ready... I too waited for the A to fizzle. It's over a year, they are living together, I don't see it ending. She's 17 years younger than him. Already D'd herself. Everyone says it won't last, but I don't see any indication of that. WH had the chance to stop the D a few months ago in court, but he didn't.

Some days I just want it over. I'm tired of lawyers and courts and spending money on all of that that I don't even have! I have no clue where I will get the $$ to continue my lawyer's services. Bills keep coming saying I owe thousands more. The retainer is gone. Now what? I get mad that that $$ could have gone to my kid's college, but it's going for a D!

I get tired of people telling me to work on me. I don't see it helping the situation any. I've lost a lot of weight etc. Now what?!

I guess I'm stubborn and want what I can't have, my H!

Sorry for being a downer, I know this didn't help you feel any better, but I do understand where you are at, as I know I will be there very soon.

I pray things get easier for you. I know I read here all the time and everyone says it does. I guess I'm waiting for it to happen.

Take care.

Prayers to you...

Catgirl, the funny thing is that my then H did notice my changes. He liked them. He just didn’t want to change himself. In the end, I hated him. I’m not sure how he felt about me. I think he felt some romantic love for me, but not anywhere near enough to make him want to put effort into our marriage. B’s just not into exertion.

ready,

I'm 10 months post separation and 7 months post D. It does get better.

Early on I tried to force recovery. I soon realized you can't force this. I followed the advice (do things for you; take up hobbies; don't jump into another relationship; take solace in friends; allow yourself to grieve and heal; strength in scripture). I, too, painted most of the inside of the house. I soon realized that I did such a lousy job on one room, that I painted it again.

Recovery efforts are working. Granted I'm not as far along as others, and I don't claim to be recovered and feel "whole" but I'm at a much better place. To get to this point my despair turned to anger, anger turned to seathing anger until I was able begin letting go.

This last part about letting go of the anger is still a work in progress.

When I think I'm over a milestone and on my way to recovery, I get a thought in my head that just won't go away, and lo and behold I'm angry again.

With me, after the grieving and despair, there was a time when I was tired of being alone (and tired of searching these boards for answers, and tired of voicing my frustrations to my closest friends. I needed to get a life). I took up a hobby. Six months later, I'm enjoying my hobby, and looking for something else to do. There is less time dwelling on my circumstance and more time seeking fullfillment.

What's missing? I miss the intact family and I do miss that relationship I had with my W before she went over to the dark side. I still occasionally grieve it.

All the books say to work on yourself and everything else will fall into place. I believe the books are right. Don't dwell on not being married. Take it one day at a time.

Also, sign up for the DivorceCare daily inspirational e-mail oddly enough called "One Day at a Time." It's a daily devotional that will be e-mailed to you every day for a year. The messages are applicable.

Good luck and God Bless.

HL

Oh yeah...one more thing...stay away from country music.

I loved it, but when I was going through the chaos of the A and D, all the lyrics about Joe Bob leaving Peggy Sue wear you down.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am learning so much from this horrid experience. Thank you, CG, HL, GG and BHINWI, for your insight and personal antidotes. I am the first person out of my friends that is D'd so all of this is so new to me. I don't feel like I have many people who can understand my sitch. This site has helped me realize there are loving and caring people such as yourselves that have been wronged by their spouses.

I've taken DivorceCare which has been really helpful. I'm now taking a class called "Transition" offered by my church. It's for folks who are in the post-D phase of lives and trying to form healthy Rs again.

As for music, I used to be a huge country music fan but those lyrics certainly bring tears to my eyes. Instead, I've grown fond of Christian music- praise and worship songs. I listen to it in the car, at work and at the gym. That music really lifts me up.

I did pick up a new hobby, running. I started that after my WH moved out. I ran my third half marathon last weekend. Talk about running off my stress!

I am learning to be comfort by being alone but not be lonely. Oh, there are definitely days where I would give anything to sleep in and cuddle with my former H. But, I am also savoring my freedom. However, I struggle with hanging out with my friends who are "happily" married with kids. I don't feel comfortable around them anymore. Even more so, if they are lovey dovey with one another in front of me. (gag) I guess it is a part of the grieving process. I am trying to accept the fact that I am now single. I don't have a spouse to bring to parties, work functions or go to weddings with. It's just me and that gets me down.

It's when I'm around other couples that I'm reminded of my loneliness. Does anyone feel this way? How do you cope with group situations, especially if it is a primarily married group?

I used to feel physically ill at the sight of anything bridal. Does that count?

Good for you! I have gone through it twice and am going again. I have created some wonderful friendships there.



This is perfectly normal but not a reason to avoid going out with them. To the contrary, go out with your married friends. I remember the first time my married friends asked me out I hated the fact I was alone. I did not want to go but I did.

It still bothers me to see couples together holding hands, hugging... But I decided I can't let that stop my from enjoying life.

And I don't mean to be negative but 50% of the couples you see will end up divorced. It is a sad reality... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Being happy again is a lot of work and it is a choice. I am not quite there yet and still have some very dark periods of depression. These dark periods are like a storm... they sneak up on me and cause me great emotional distress, but they pass. Then the sun shines again.

Over time you will learn how to cope with the emotional turmoil. You will learn that being on your own is not such a bad thing. You will grow as a person and you will look back and say "Wow, I made it this far!".

A dear friend of mine, who's wife left him 15 years ago, told me there will come a day when I am thankful for the divorce. I asked him why??? He said "Wisdom".. Wisdom is obtained through experiences."

Oh, and my friend I mentioned above has been remarried for 10 years and he and his wife are very happy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />