I filed for D after my WW confronted me the night I contacted "possible" OM's parents. I say possible, b/c all the evidence I have is circumstantial. I confronted her 3 separate times over the last 4 months since she moved out on what exactly is going on b/w her and this guy from her work, and of course she denied any A was going on. I avoided LBs as much as possible, never lost my temper or made demands, simply asked her calmly, and at points, emotionally, for the truth, and that I would accept if she was involved w/ OM and move on from there. Initial reaction each time was very defensive, stated b/c we're separated, it was none of my biz and that I shouldn't be snooping on her, if another guy were to ask her out on a date she might go for it, I'm being controlling and my actions are why she doesn't trust telling me everything, etc.

WW's Reaction To Contacting Suspected OM's Parents:
* Infuriated.
* Threatened to call police should I lay a finger on her when she threatened to take things from the house.
* Threatened to claim that I kicked her out of the house.
* Demanded to see the kids long after she left for the evening and they had already fallen asleep. There was no way I was going to allow her near them in her current angry state.

The very next day I felt I had no choice but to file for D and for primary custody of the kids. Wanted legal protection from what WW would attempt to do next, and wanted the best chance of keeping the home to maintain stability for the kids and just paying WW her share of the equity (I live in a community property state). Now I'm getting cold feet, and just feel awful for having done this. I truly still want to reconcile, but I couldn't continue putting me and my kids at risk remaining married to WW while she's living on her own. My doubts are that I may have filed prematurely, as I believe now all her threats were empty. I believe I could have continued patiently with Plan A except for her not being truthful about the exact nature of her relationship to suspected OM.

I know I have to now follow through with D, as this will be the only chance I get to use the evidence I have against her of the initial A I discovered. I'm so confused now as to what I should do, continue Plan A, start Plan B, try to explain to her the D is solely for legal protection, that we can remarry should she want to???

From a legal standpoint, if you want to "undo" the filing, since you're the petitioner it's as simple as filing a "Notice of Nonsuit" and the divorce goes away-- unless she has filed a countersuit. If you do file a non-suit, you might think about seeing an attorney to draft a legal separation agreement (LSA) for you to protect yourself.

When I asked my attorney if I could stop the filing, he said it was too late, once filed, she'll get served, and I would have to sign a motion to dismiss to stop it. Problem with that, I can never use the evidence I included in my petition ever again. Hence, I'm giving up the only legal recourse I have should my WW never come back.

I don't know where you got the idea you have to go through with the divorce petition just because you've filed for it. There's plenty of time for a reconciliation to happen. Calm down and relax a little bit. No use in going off half-cocked.

I don't know your whole story but it appears you confronted your WW about an adultery and she moved out four months ago? Now you've partially exposed to OM's parents and she's pi$$ed off, right?

So what??? She has never been angry before? Come on. Did you actually expect her to appreciate your interference in her affair? Sorry, bub. That just doesn't happen. But don’t be so concerned with her being mad at you. All Wayward Spouses are angry.

You speak of circumstantial "proof." Bear in mind, a relationship isn't a court of law. The standard of proof is much, much lower…and she already knows exactly what she’s done. It doesn’t have to be proved to her. If you have information your WW has inappropriate contact with other men, that’s plenty to confront her. If you want more, if you want it nailed down, then do it. Firm up the information. Can you afford a PI to surveil her for a while?

Also, what other exposure targets do you have? What other exposure have you already made?

I wouldn’t withdraw the divorce petition. What’s done is done and, frankly, there’s nothing requiring you to prosecute the petition aggressively. Having filed it, have your attorney let it lay for a while. In the meantime, you can evaluate its effect on your WW and make better plans.

Hang in there, SP. Get a grip on your emotions and start doing some hardcore planning to get your family back together, okay?

I did tell WW that I filed and to expect to get served, out of extreme guilt for doing it. I told her I didn't want to, but that she backed me into a corner. I feel like I've given her an ultimatum, which I know is a BIG no-no, and have pushed her even further away.

I don't see any way now to continue Plan A, as she won't talk to me anymore, only discuss matters about the kids. We did talk last night, but only b/c I mentioned seeing my IC, not b/c she really wanted to talk. My taker got the best of me, and we didn't get anywhere.

Her only consistent reaction to my filing is "if that's what'll make things easier for you, then I guess it'll be easier for me".

What plan should I follow now then? It'll feel uncomfortable to try talking to her like everything's great w/ this serving of a D petition looming over our heads. Should I do that anyway?

You can read the details in my story linked below. Basically, the exposure is of another A other than the initial D-day.

Okay, your wife is a serial cheater. I hadn't picked that up. Friend, Dr. Harley says recovery from one instance of infidelity is extremely difficult. Recovering from mulitiple instances is nearly impossible.

I don't know but what your decision to file for divorce isn't the most appropriate thing to do. It's your choice, but I'd make sure your finances are clearly separated and you take measures (through your attorney) to safeguard both finances and your children.

Is there hope? Yes, but from your words, your WW shows no signs of even making the attempt to reconcile. She's getting entrenched in her newfound "single life" and it'll be very difficult to break her out of that behavioral pattern. Perhaps the bucket of cold water she'll get with her soon to be experienced confrontation with the legal system will jar her enough to start thinking. I sure hope so.

Hang in there, pardner.

Thanks Longhorn! My IC told me the same thing, to wait and see what her reaction is going to be when she's actually served, that it will wake her up to the reality of the sitch.

You may not have followed all my posts, my WW has shown signs of wanting to reconcile, though not enough for my "taker". I know salvaging our M is going to take the patience of Job, and is a Herculean undertaking, and there have been many times where I've felt like giving up. The filing of the D made me feel like I've given up. I'm going to hang in there though, for the reward will be sooo great coming out of this w/o divorcing and rebuilding a whole new M.