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MMH, I've sorta kinda been there, done that with the family.

My advice - treat them as you normally would, one on one and don't mention WS or anything else.

Especially if you have children, it's important for them to stay connected to extended family as long as that's a healthy thing to do.

When my XH had an EA and I found out 9 years ago, I blew it out of the water, but I *expected* them to side with him. Surprisingly they didn't. They didn't choose sides as such - they chose "OUR" side and we worked it out.

After the separation it took XH a couple of months to tell his family. They were shocked. We live far away now (over 1000 miles and another country) so we don't see extended family often.

I'm not exactly persona non grata, but I don't think they know how to deal with me. I never went to them with the whys and wherefores - blood is thicker than water, and it would only look bad on me to run him down to his own.

I have one ex-brother-in-law whose work brings him here frequently (sometimes a couple of days, several weeks in a row), and HE has never stopped treating me like his sister. When he first learned of the separation he'd call me to just see how I was. He spends time with XH and with the kids and me when he's here - usually alternates who he stays with and sometimes the kids stay with XH and their uncle. He's the ONLY one of the whole big family that hasn't changed the dynamic of our relationship - and I have told him over and over how much I love and appreciate him for just being himself, and letting me be myself and staying as a part of *my* family.

When I do have occasion to speak with XH parents, I still call them Mom and Dad - I divorced their son, not them - and they are always polite and cordial, but I can just "feel" that it's different for them - and it shouldn't be.

They usually call my kids when they know I'm not there.

Oh well - their loss. I'm a pretty fun and loving person and if they choose to keep me at arm's length, that's their loss, not mine.

HTH

JinGA

I have a question...

Before this all happened, I had ordered tickets for the Tiger's games in September for our wedding anniversary. Should I tell WS? Or, should I wait? He is the biggest fan.

Wouldn't me telling him help to bring up his love units?

That's up to you. I had a paid cruise from my company. The WS was living it up in a rented room so he could see the OW, whenever..... he lost the privilege of going with me on a short but fun cruise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> So I took a girlfriend from work instead. We had fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Ws got to babysit the weekend which pizzed off the OW and then he got the privilege of hearing her growl about it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

If he is being a Ws, I'd vote for taking someone who would really enjoy the game and be fun t/b with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


L.

I am currently compiling a letter (email) to send WH. Basically pointing out to him things that I should say in person, but cannot do right now (due to separation)

I feel really good about it. Oh, and I also have a family ally in his grandfather. We talked last night for 2 hours, and he says he is positive that we will work this out. He knows what his grandson feels for me, and there is no doubt that combined with my determination, we can be happy together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'd wait. 4 months is a long time til September and I'd wait until closer to game day to let him know - and only let him know if he's earned the privilege of being in the honour of your company. Otherwise, take a friend or relative and have a great time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Living well is the best revenge <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Well, I sent the email. Now to wait. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I move this week, so I will be keeping pretty busy.
just would be nice to have some help from him. lol

I got a response back saying

Do not contact me anymore you will be getting another letter from my lawyer.

What do I do now??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I know what to do...

Agree with him. I am replying back saying that is his choice and I agree then it will be best.

Please help me here.

How can I continue to plan a if he tells me to not contact him? (although he has said that to me before...) Should I just ignore what he said and continue on as I intended?

Man, my soap opera just keeps getting better.

Anyone who wishes to join in, please feel free. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Just got a call from my friend. She had gone up to my WH's work to get her car serviced and he had seen her walking towards the door. He ran to the door, met her outside and said to her, "Let's walk and talk" She replies, "Nope, I am here to talk about my car and we can't do that without you looking up my info on your comp."

He gets all pissy with her then and says, "Well, you are just going to have to wait!" then he stayed outside and stewed for a few minutes.

He would not look her in the eye the whole time she was there, and he treated her like crap. (so, not my husband)She will be calling tomorrow to complain about it. I guess getting in crap at work is part of his "new life"

He is so completely miserable in his life. Why is he so dense as to how he can fix it?????

Another day, another piece of info...

Talked to WH's boss today. Asked how things are going at work, and he told me WH is really good (working) but not so good socially.

Says WH is miserable about his social life. Also said that he made a comment to WH last week that went along the lines of, "What are you going to do when you smarten up and realize how much your wife loves you and wants to work things out, and by then, she has met someone new???"

My WH said, "Well, we'll just have to see."

He figures he has me to be at his beck and call. Should I just not bother with him anymore? Let him fall off his fence?

My love for him is not in question. I have come to realize that the man I am dealing with is not my husband, so every mean thinghe says just rolls right off of my back. My heart is locked up ad only my H will get in... not the WH.

We'll just have to wait and see?? SOunds like my WH when he tells me whatever happens, happens. What kind of response is that?

I think it is good that his boss is reminding him of what he has at home. And that WH is miserable!

Thanks to all of you for posting your stories. That has helped me to see what my WS is doing.

I can tell the difference between the two men. My husband spoke to me on Friday... the WS sent the email yesterday. (that or his ******) lol

Anyway, I am giving him the time to clear his head. His boss is convinced that if I do not talk tohim, it will drive him batty. Says that he used to be very happy to talk about his personal life and me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Now, he is just full of misery and sad. (Although, he has never said a bad thing about me)

I'm at the point right now that it won't bother me to not talk to him for a bit. Only time I will call is to get money for our car insurance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, it's been two weeks tomorrow since I have spoken to him.

I hope I am doing the right thing. It just seems to me that everyone makes sense when they say it is not me making him unhappy,and maybe if I take a break, it will help him to see that.

Does that make sense?

This break from the WS is to help you get stronger. It is hard but necessary if you want t/b strong enough to later handle WS interactions. A side benefit is that it often lets the Ws see what it is like without you.

L.

Thank you L. So far so good.

I believe very strongly that I am doing the right thing. I have talked to God, and He is telling me this is the way to go as well.

I asked him for a little sign, and I got it yesterday evening. I was asked by a friend to drive by the house she was looking at, which just happens to be on MIL's street. My truck was sitting in the driveway, and that brought a lot of comfort to me.

I also had a dream in which I was talking to WS (in that case... soon to be H) and we were discussing what had been going on and what we will do to save us. I am not one hundred percent positive it is a dream (or an actual convo between myself and WH... long story and you'll all think I m nuts lol)

But, it helps me. That is what matters.

Dreams are ok but don't make plans based on them.

Both my 6 year old and I had reoccurring nightmares after d/d. My son's was him and I in a boat with the WS in another boat with other toy soldier's watching us drift off into a large fogged ocean. Isn't that scary? He called to his dad but his dad did not do anything. He was only 6 at the time and it took several days for him to tell me about it. I was furious at the WS for the effect it had on our child.

My nightmare involved a long counter with a stainless steel sink at the end of a long bar. One the upper end of this wrap around bar, were a bunch of oriental women hanging onto this causcasian man(H is causasian and I'm oriental). At the other end of this bar counter was that sink with raw shrimp. Son and I were cleaning shrimp while the WS was flirting with all those women. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> The stupid thing was this played every night for about 2 months. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I later had several dreams where very nice guys would ask me out. A few had celeb titles but it was like the movies.....
No sex, just being treated like a queen. Dinner and a good time. Ha! That boosted my ego. Enough so that after 1 of those dreams, I gathered enough courage to call the WS and tell him to go get the D. Brave indeed.

Of course it messed up his WS mind and plans because it is taboo in their world for a BS to give an order to a WS. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

There are no plans based on them. It just helps me to cope, and someone up there knows that.

I am a changed person thanks to this. Changed for the better if you ask me.

But, I still have determination. And, the break is helping me to realize this.

I am starting to wonder if I have done the right thing. I didn't really get a chance for much of a plan A, and only decided to not talk to WH because he told me not to contact him anymore.

I guess maybe he is expecting me to call him crying to come home etc. so by not talking to him, I may be throwing him off a bit.

Also, when he told me he was going to get his lawyer to contact me again, I replied back saying he needs to do what he thinks is right.

Kinda 180ish, right?

Was this unexpected B in my best interest?