This is the last letter I sent to my WH.


WH,

These last two months have been hard. It has been very trying and filled with so much pain. I have felt a hurt I would never wish on another soul. My life feels like it is at a standstill with no end in sight.

The only light I see is you.

I have felt despair, heartache, longing, anger, sadness, depression... all because of you.

But, I've realized something. It isn't you doing this. My husband would never hurt me like this. My husband loves me with all that he has. He cherishes me and our life together. He is there for me, for us. He is honest and caring, loyal, proud, devoted, honourable, and wears his heart on his sleeve. He is beautiful, inside and out. He makes me laugh. His laugh is infectious. We share the same interests, and are each others best friends. We do everything together, and enjoy it. We love to be with each other. And, most importantly, my husband trusts me. He knows I would never hurt him. He also NEVER gives up. He fights with a passion, and can admit when he is wrong. He makes me feel beautiful, even when I don't. My husband (you) are the perfect match I could have asked for.

You asked me what my intentions are. Here they are. Right in front of your eyes.

- to continue to love my husband with everything I have
- to be there for him
- to respect him
- to honour him
- to take care of him
- to tell him everyday (and, whether you heard me or not, I haven't stopped) that I love him
- to laugh with him
- to cheer him up whe nhe is feeling down
- to hold him when he needs to be held
- to talk WITH him (not TO him)
- to make everyday we have together count

And, most importantly...

- to do everything in my power to make our marriage as perfect as we can get it (this includes making the necessary changes WE need to be successful)

In return, I would hope that my husband can do the same for me.

You know how deep our love is. You know what we can do when WE put our minds to it. You know the lengths we will both go for each other.

I dedicated my life to you... and only you. I am willing to do whatever it takes to continue to live my life for you.

The ball is in your court WH. I am extending the rope to you. My husband... my best friend... and the love of my life.

All that is left is for you to reach out and grab it.

It was after that letter that he told me not to contact him anymore.

Well you sure did boost his ego, I'll give you that. These were the things I said to my husband when I was still pleading with him. My husband told me "It's not about what you feel, it's about what I'm feeling. You can say you will give me the moon, the fact is I don't want it from you." This is true, it's all about what they are feeling, we don't count, they take offense to the words we say, I think these words would be considered LBs because the WS isn't ready to accept them as positive comments. Maybe right now doing is more important than saying. Since I quit making promises and told my WH that I was backing off, he has become nicer. Last month when I went home he was gone as agreed but he called me several times the day after just to chit chat. Then on Sunday he called and seemed upset that I had already left. I think it bothered him that I didn't call or text him the whole weekend. I really didn't think he would care one way or the other. It was 1 week later that I went to Plan B and that did bother him.
Maybe you should stay in Plan A and get some advice from the real experts, I think the pain is still too fresh for us to be objective.

I am so confused then.

And, I am crying uncontrollably, so, I'm sorry if there are mistakes.

So, bascially the last three weeks have been a waste?

DON'T GO LISTENING TO ME! That was just my perspective and no, everything counts for something, you just have to refine your strategy. I made a ton of LBs before I got to this site. I was trying to do a Plan A (not knowing what Plan A was) but ended up being the doormat. So I sent him the letter saying I wasn't going to be a doormat anymore. That's when I told him not to be at home when I came. This is also about the time I found MB. My take on Plan A is that the objective is to show the WS that we can make the changes necessary to create a better relationship, that we can be supportive and loving without LBs, and that we can maintain our dignity. We must not expect anything in return because we are showing what we can do in hopes the WS will have a change of heart and return to the marriage. Plan B is when Plan A fails. In my case, my husband refused to end his A. I could have Plan A'd myself to death and it wouldn't have made a difference.

Remember what we said, as long as they are still calling there is hope. I will tell you this, my husband became more open to me when I decided to keep the OW out of our business. Meaning that when we talked, she was never brought into the conversation. I kept it all strictly on a friend to friend basis. It was hard but it did help take him off the defensive. He just called again, no message, what up! Maybe she's at church.

I have never, ever brought up the OW in conversation. He did one day by telling me I had the wrong idea about her (to which I replied, I truly hope I do)... this was the same day I told him I was going to save our marriage, and he told me that things could never be the same as they were. My response was, you are right... they can't... but they will be better.

Even after I found out, I have not once been mean, ugly or horrible with him. I have only cried when talking to him once, and that was because my sister (whom I had been living with) was being horrible, and I called to ask his help to get me the heck out of there.

I have done the best I could to NOT have any lb's between us. Even when discussing the fact that he wanted a separation, I suggested to him that this was something that would be beneficial to us to discuss on our own without the added expense of lawyers. That was when he told me he really didn't care anyway about that stuff. I made it sound like I was doing him this huge favour... and I was feeling liek a door mat because he would not even see me.

I have seen my WH maybe a total of 2 hours since this all happened. He has avoided me like teh plague.

And, he won't look at me when he did see me. Will not look in my eyes. Like he is afraid.

So, here I am. Stuck in limbo with no idea where to turn. I love him unconditionally. And, only now, after having my sister play on my worst fears... do I feel my heart breaking. After having it holed up and locked tight.

And, my WH had nothing to do with it.

Mssing:

Have you read LilSis's Original Thread?

Highly cunning and manipulative Woman has claws in deep. IT's 250 some pages long. Resort this page by number of pages and it #6-7 on the list.

Start at the beginning.

You will get a fabulous overview of what Plan A is all about. And how to prepare for Plan B.

Then read BUGSMOM thread. And that one is similar to yours except for the kids.

Remember, your WH is an idiot right now. "Please do not contact me!"

Of Course! It takes away from OW time!

You need to get the plan, understand the plan and start working it.

The WH doesn't have a plan. He has an idea, but it is not a plan and he makes it up as he goes along.

Very easy to defeat.

So. Dry your tears, start reading and then start working your plan.

LG

Missing:

The MB Plan A/Plan B are counter intuitive.

And idots like your sister cannot be easily educated.

And MARK my words. YOUR sister will get involved in an Affair during her M or to someone who is married.

BY revealing as much as she has and to say that you should just accept? That show wayward thought processes to me.

Greater than most. You do need to tell family members what you are trying to accomplish.

They may not understand at first , but you can train them!

LG

Hmm, I see what you are saying LG. I really do.

How is it possible though? I cannot make him see me. I cannot make him contact me in anyway. I have tried. All I got was angry outbursts. The last phone conversation was great.. he took the time for me. But, that ended all too soon.

I am so confused...

You need to REMIND him that his happiness has been at the expense of his family (U). As a result, you now require the following:

1. He needs to show you he is happy (in word and deed).
2. He no longer has reason for compliant (because he is happy).
3. He s/b willing to give you the shirt off his back and everything else of material value (because he is sooo happy).
SIDENOTE: Of course you won't take it all but he doesn't have to know this right now. (remember he is sooo happy, he s/b delirious).

Based on the above for you, he needs to (name requirements and boundaries). Example c/b:

A. Direct contact allowed for: Work, emergency issues, $$, Mail. (direct contact limited to: Text message and e-mail)


B. 3rd party contact (designate 3rd party: ___________ & Ph:/e-mail). Give 3rd party requirements (i.e. no calls after ___ pm, etc.)

C. Child support or spousal support amount: $ ________

D. His bill responsibility: $________.

That's just a suggestion for the main info. There's more t/b added of course. Keep it simple. Ws' can't progress to much implied stuff. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Makes sense Orchid.

So, should I wait for him to call me (which he has already proven he will) and then lay out some boundaries.

I imagine it will not be until Tuesday that I hear from him (because of the holiday) unless he does decide to email me.

(after all, if his phone call was so important today... )

Thank you for your advice everyone.

I am working on an email to WH which kind of outlines everything you said Orchid.

My question is, should I sound really upbeat in it? Kinda knock him off his rocker seeing as we have not spoken in nearing three weeks?

I found my 'plan B letter' It was written in July 2001 and the A ended August 2003.

I don't believe I ever posted my entire letter here's an edited copy (same length, names changed). It is longer than most letters as recommended on MB but I was still an MB infant and didn't want to deal with it again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Dear WS,

This is a follow up to our conversation tonight.
Wanted to make sure we are both on the same page of
where we stand. You have chosen at this time to live
away from our family. Your reasons are your own and I
respect it as such.

My reason for your leaving is because I can no longer
tolerate dealing with PBR or any other
women (in a sexual, physical or emotional attachment
that would further threaten our marriage) in any part
of my life and with any member of my household. Even
if this means that my husband has to leave (since you
prefer to have contact with her over my need not to
have to deal with her in any way shape or form). I
come to this conclusion after many long months (since
Nov 22 2000). It has finally come down to the fact
that I chose not to have anything to do with other
women who want to replace me in my husband's life and
who you allow them to do so.

The only time, I will deal with her or anyone like her
is if it concerns (son). At that point, it will be out
of necessity and treated as such.

Based on the above, in order to protect myself and
(son), I respectfully request that our contact be
limited to the following 3 items while you remain in
this state of contact with any other women.

1. Finances - Discussion over phone or in person.
If these discussions can not be amicably handled,
for the protection of both a 3rd party (yet to be
decided may be required and can be requested by
either person but should be agreed upon unless
the other person is being uncooperative). In such a
uncooperative case a legal advisor may be required.


2. Mail - Pick up of your mail. Currently for the
month ofAugust, you can pickup the mail, once a
week every Wednesday at the house after 8 pm).

As of Sept 01 forward, it will be decided by mid
August. Depends on how the August pickup works
out.

Utilities will need to be changed to Orchid's name.

Only you can do this. I will be sending you
the phone numbers for you to call.

3. Visitation with (son) - You can call to discuss your
schedule and itinerary. This is all new to both of

us, so for the month of August, I am willing to
handle it informally. Come Sept 01, we may have a
better idea of how to handle this situation. I am
open to your suggestions.

One requirement I have is that (son) is NOT allowed
to be around PBR or any other female
companion that is not a family relative or family
friend known to both (son) and Orchid as their
friend. At this time, let it be known that I,
Orchid do not trust the attitude and character of the said
PBR. This is based on comments made
by Mrs. PBR in the recent past along with
correspondence from Mrs. PBR to myself (Orchid).
I do not currently approve of the type
women you have chosen to have sexual realtionships
outside of our marriage and do not consider them
good association for our son.

While I know that you claim to only be involved at
this time with Mrs. PBR, I write the above in an
effort to cover all grounds as best as possible.
I am not implying either way that you are or are
not having sexual relationships with other women at
this time.

If there is a need to discuss any other issues while
you are still in contact in any way shape or form with
Mrs. PBR or any other female sexual partner, I request you do it via a 3rd party or in an e-mail.
My reply will be made and copied to a 3rd party.
WS, please understand that I still love you.
Despite all that has been done. However, I need to
protect myself and (son) from you for the anger that I
feel about your involvement with other women
(including your alliance with Mrs. PBR).

I would like to assure you that none of this is meant
as an attempt to make your life more rough or get even
in any way shape or form. I just can no longer
continue to carry this burden, pain, anger and
liability. I made a decision that when you left our
home, I could not allow myself to carry your issues
anymore. Based on that, I sent you the previous
e-mail about the amount owed at the end of July and
what would be owed on August 01. Future monthly
amounts would be sent later since the school year is
starting and the amount owed may be changed along with
other revisions as needed. Again I am not trying to
extort money from you. All reasons for the requests
are valid.

I hope you are able to get past the anger and
understand the real purpose of this e-mail. Recovery
in our marriage is still attainable. However the
method is now requiring you to show proof of
commitment not just say you want to come back. Then
it needs to be amicable for all 3 of us and God.

Our son just said his prayer tonight and asked that
God, please help his dad to come home. Our son then
told me it is because he misses you. Please take
care.


Love,
Orchid

Wow. That was quite the wait you had Orchid.

I know that there will be no way in which to continue on with a Plan A.

I have no support from anyone, and my WH will in no way have anything to do with me. Also, with him not living in our home anymore, I see no point in trying to chase him down as tha twill make him even angrier with me.

Unfortunately for now, I must continue with this complete separation.

It is the only way to show my WH what he has lost.

U have our support. You probably have more support than you realize. Even strangers, pets, co-workers, people in the grocery store, the doctor, son's daycare, local police state (internet division), OW's local police station (that's a story by itself - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ), even the utility company agent on the phone was a source of support for me.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Remember God condems adultery, so he is on your side also. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Thank you Orchid.

The day after I discovered the affair, I very quickly called to remove my WH name from my credit card. While talking to the woman from Visa, I started to tear up a bit, and she could hear the tremble in my voice.

She told me that I was a beautiful person and did not deserve any of this. She also said she knows exactly what I was feeling (I hadn't even said what the situation was) and that things will get better with time.

That made the rest of the calls a little bit easier that day. I'll never forget it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I dunno if it is just my subconscious just trying to stay positive on me, but the dreams I have have not once been horrible anger filled dreams of my WH and his mistress.

They have all been dreams of our reunion one day.

Anyway, they keep me calm, so tha tis all that matters. I could not imagine dealing with any other dream filled with anger and such.

I went to bed after a long hot bath with a migraine. Tossed and turned through almost all of the night. The headache did not start to go away until about 4am, and that was because it was so intense that it made me sick.

I hope this does not happen again in the near future.

Well ,I went to see my mom today. Discussed with her the fact that WH is just a typical WH. Explained the words used, the thoughts he has, etc.

When it got to me saying that he really is confused and has no clue what he is doing or what he wants, she stopped me. Says, "How do you know that?"

So, I try to explain.

To no avail.

I asked her to please come to this site and to read the threads in the Just Found Out section for BS's. I really don't know how to get her to understand, without sounding like I am only saying these things out of desperation.

Has anyone else had this problem? I don't know, maybe I just have a hard time talking with my mom.

I am so frustrated trying to get support from my family. It really hurts to think that they basically care only about themselves.

I feel so alone at my home.

My closest friend has become my 16 year old cousin. That girl has so much insight. I just love her to death for everything she has said to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yup, I have always liked being alone but being alone and knowing there is no one at home waiting is a real downer. Today I am stronger and today I say if he decides to jump ship then so be it. E-Harmony here I come! OK, not really; thinking about it boosts my spirits. I'm in this for the entire cruise, too bad my cabin is below deck.

Hope you are doing better today. Sometimes I just sit in front of the mirror and give myself a piece of my mind. Then I tell myself it's OK, you will get through this because God is taking care of everything. No, I'm not crazy but I am my own best friend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hope you got some good ideas today.