Actually Myschae, the pregnancy board is slow here on MB because it is a public board. If you saw how often "we" get to suffer the opinions of people who have not walked a mile in our shoes you would know why that matters. I belong to a private board that is very active with women (and some men) that are betrayed spouses with an OC situation.

The biggest problem is people don't know what they would do until they are there but they have NO PROBLEM telling women whose H's got the OW pregnant what they THINK we should do. Thank God for people like Pep that actually reach out and help those that post on the p/c board or I would not have stuck around MB. On top of that there are OW who feel it is their "right" to post there and tell us BW's what they think of us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I see. I did not know that. You are certainly more qualified than I am to speak about the rates of success of marriages (and MB) with OC than I am. I'm curious about what you think -- do you think this type of revelation would increase the divorce rate (in non-first child situations)?


I'm sorry to hear that. I'm certainly not trying to tell someone what they "should" do, I'm just curious about the general societal impact. My opinion was basically offered in a "I could understand that was too much for someone to bear" way rather than "people shouldn't try to work it out way."

Mys

I'm not saying it is easy, Mys because it is not. It is a double betrayal BUT it is doable both with and without contact.

I have absolutley no doubt that it's doable. None, whatsoever.

I just don't know how likely it is as a societal trend or when applied to a general trend. For example, a certain number of people upon "just" finding out their spouse cheated will, in fact, walk out the door rather than work on the marriage. It doesn't mean working on/saving the marriage isn't doable -- it's just a reflection on the devastation that affairs cause. For some people, it's just a deal breaker and that's it.

By the same token, some people would walk out the door upon discovering that, not only did their spouse have an affair, but ALSO a child resulted and all the complications that brings into the picture.

I just think that the number who automatically walk after finding about about the two is larger than the number of those who automatically walk after finding out about an affair without an OC. I don't have any sociological evidence or anything to back up my claim so I'm not asserting it as a fact or evidence, I'm just explaining what I think and why. It makes "common sense" to me that the OC situation would be less likely to succeed because of all the legal, financial, and ethical/moral issues involved in what to do about the innocent child that has been introduced into the picture.

It has to be devastating.

I also happen to think that when it's the woman who's unfaithful and bears the OC it's a little less likely for the BH to be able to accept it -- not that it hurts any more or any less -- but, again, just in a experiential "how I see the world" kind of way. I don't think men have a harder time with the situation than women do -- I just think they have a harder time (ie. less likely) choosing to stay.

None of that has anything to do with the "rightness/wrongness" of telling men about paternity, though. If men have a harder time staying, I don't believe that's a good reason to withhold the information from them. They should have the information they need to make their decisions -- just like their wives should, as well, if the men are the ones who stray.

Nonetheless, I still worry about the continued splintering of the family. I think we're reaching (or have reached) a point where even well adjusted families with two involved parents are going to have a hard time raising their children because of all the rampant dysfunction out there. At some point, it doesn't matter how good "you" are, the well has become so polluted that all the fish will die. I know that will likely result in big changes (as Gimble alluded to) and, just like eveyrone else, big changes make me nervous/scared -- especially when I see them as big, bad changes.

Mys

Goodness, if you know someone well enough to have sex with that person, shouldn't you be comfortable enough to have these tough conversations on where you stand on things?




Hi Mys,

i think you pointed out the root of the problem.
people are having sex w/ people they are not anywhere near comfortable enough to have tough conversations with.

heck....i was having sex w/ my H for 20 years and i tried to iniate many tough conversations.........and he easily lied about anything that made him uncomfortable.
and i believed him.......thinking, why would he lie TO ME about something like that??
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

people lie.
i guess there are lots of reasons why.....fear or simply because they can.

i could never live w/ myself if i were keeping a lie like that......but, i know people that can (and do)....some of them are very good people.....they just justify things in a different way than i do.

I very much agree w/ your conclusions about this Mys.

i think if wifes are having sex w/ multiple partners and become pregnant, the # of quiet abortions will rise before they will take the chance of being "ousted' by testing at birth.

i know of several women who chose that path even w/o a paternity test being required at birth.
i also know several fathers who chose to stay married or atleast actively parent the child after finding out they were not the biological fathers.


there are many political and moral complications to the situation
It is a very interestign topic.

From what I can tell by reading here and on our private board, it is about even... I would say that MANY want to work it out...we get nearly the same amount of traffic there that General gets here, also with newbies added nearly daily ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ). Some decide to divorce after trying (like here), some decided to D, MANY decided to try to work it out. Nearly all are directed here to read up on the plans even if they don't join or post here...

I know my take on my husband's adultry and subsequent children with VD was a bit different... The children themselves are not the biggest issue to deal with for me. The children were innocent parties ... just as my COM and I was. The biggest issues for us to overcome was the adultry itself and all of the deception that went along with it.


I get that Mys. For some, it IS too great an obstical to overcome. For others, just like those without the OC issue, it's not as much an issue as it seems. F

or lucky people like me, the issues become blessings, of which I have so many now!

- Kimmy