About two weeks ago my husband confessed he loves and cares for me but he is not in love with me anymore. I know he is not seeing anyone else, he would leave me before he did that, he is a great man. He says he wants to try, but only a little part of him wants to stay. He said I am a good woman and great mom, I deserve to be loved the way I need. He doesn't understand I just need him. I am starting individual counceling. My ex used to abuse me and cheat on me and I allowed this to affect the new marrige. I was always accusing my new H of cheating and other things. I want to change and be a good wife, but he says he thinks we are trying too late. I don't want to give up, i love him, but I do not want to beg him to stay and just resent me even more. Can a man fall back in love? What could be the first step to making things better until I start my counceling May 7th? I love him so much and I hate I have made him fall out of love with me, right now I could kick myself- he is such a wonderful man, he is such a great father, I should not have asked for more. I wish I could take it all back and go back to where we were. Please help

Dear Sad


a year and a 1/2 ago, my husband said the same thing. exactly. I felt just as you did, it was all my fault, I was the bad one and I had to fix it. he would NEVER have an affair - it just wasnt him. He was a good person. and 4 months later, I found out he had been having an affair with my best friend.

I dont know if this applies in your case but I would be very very suspicious.

SSW,

Yes, husbands and wives can fall back in love...again and again. Have you read the articles on this website about the Love Bank? Love Busters (LBs)? Emotional Needs (ENs)? The Four Rules of Marriage?

You don't have to give up...you can choose your own goal and commit to saving your marriage.

You already caught something very important...how we bring expectations and reactions with us from prior marriages...gets in the way of seeing our new spouse as they are, new...easy at first and then, over time, more and more difficult.

I believe we generate our loving feelings when we act on our love...and it's a choice we make to either live from our resulting feelings, like a thermometer...or directly from our belief...

This is your husband. You are his wife.

You cannot create resentment in him...his own choices and expectations do that.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. (WhoDat)

You can listen, clarify, acknowledge what he says...you can choose to not allow it to determine the end of your marriage. You're half of it. You guys have equal power and limits.

I do support JustKim's experience in relation to yours. If you are saying that you believe he would never cheat on you...rather than you knowing he is not through verifying (cell records, email, etc.)...then I strongly advise you to look. The ILYBINILWY speech is only heard in non-infidelity cases really rarely, in my experience.

Without infidelity, it would be, "I wish I felt like I did when were first married"...not the I love you BUT speech.

Sounds to me like WS talk...contains the idea to determine their actions from their feelings...don't feel in love right now, then it must be over.

What a way to live...goes to our base fear and teaches our children that if you don't feel it, you're outta here.

Why they get terrified of divorce...if I do something so bad (skip class, spill milk behind the refridgerator, rip my dress), will my parents leave me, too?

You can do this SSW...your choice. One spouse can save a marriage...kudos on getting yourself into IC. Good self-care there. You're worth it.

LA

I have been suspicious, but he is always here. No matter how miserable he says he is he has always been home at the same time, always answers my calls, and is never gone in the middle of the night. This has been the same routine since we first got together. Then he used to smother me in kisses each morning. He would constintly tell me how beautiful I was. Before I knew I was pregnant he looked at me and said I looked like an angel, I was glowing. One week later I was paging him telling him I was pregnant. He was so excited. we were married in August of last year. He said he loved me then. two months ago we seperated. We had a rather small dissagreement but his family got involved. With their encouragment he left and stayed gone for a month. After both of us litterally being ill from being apart he came home. I am always accusing him of doing wrong when it is obvious he is not and he resents that. I have to admit I wouyld most likely feel the same way in his shoes, but I went through infadelity in the past and do not want to play the fool again. Honestly, he is a good man. He puished to get married, I wanted to wait. I wanted to be sure it was not because we had a baby together. I gave him the option to cheat and he said he did not want to, he was happy sexually with me. I am always raring to go. I want it more than he does most of the time. I am open to all sex acts with him, even ones I am not comfortable with, which is why I know he wouldnt need to go welsewhere. I am open to all his feelings, i just have a p[roblem with false accusations. I am so scared he is going to leave me I push him away, that is what he says anyway. I gave him the oppportunity to leave today and he cried. He said he is miserable but he does love me and he wants us to work out but he does not think I can change. I will for him. He is an amazing step father, father, and hi8sband. I have the problem. Thank you for your input, it is very apprectiated. Also, I have "investigated" many times and he has come up clean. I accessed his cell phone records, bought a SIM card reader, and checked email and history. I even called all unknown numbers and all were work related, and all were males. He calls me inspector gadget, I confront hm about EVERYTHING. I think he is just fed up wth my false accusations and part opf me thinks this may be his way of giving me a wake up call: if you do not stop accusing me of doing wrong when I am obviously being true then I will leave. I also think his family has alot to do with it. Most of them do drugs, which I am against, and do not like him being around them. I think they resebnt the fact he listens to me and is no longer into that lifestyle. I think they have been telling him he needs his freedom and shouldn't be (excuse my language but this is what they say) pussywhipped. They do not understand I just know he is a wonderful man and better thna the old life he had. Maybe I am blind, but I do not think he is wanting someone else, otherwise he would just leave. Things have gotten pretty bad and I know if I had someone on the side I would rather be there than here, but he stays. Thank you for the support and encouragment in my quest for counceling. I look forward to hearing everything you all have to say and will look at everything with an open mind. You all have experience in rthe anguish and I appreciate your willingness to help out a stranger in pain.

Okay, SSW,

I believe you. For all the red flags for infidelity (even in mindset and not action)...I believe you. You've done the verifying.

This forum doesn't get the traffic you need, IMO. How about the Emotional Needs forum? I know you've posted to a few of the forums. I don't suggest yet another lightly, I promise.

Do you know what a 180 plan is? It is when you stop clinging, asking for "did you miss me" and depending on his reflection of you to complete you.

You're already complete. There's a whole list on the 180 plan and I don't have a link. You could do a search. I read "Codependent No More" and "Facing Love Addiction" which I believe, really helped my Plan A. My DH was in an A at the time. However, the 180 plan I modified to the 90 plan and I still hold to it in my marriage.

I read another post where this is your second marriage, is that correct? Also, you have the marriage for love not child rather backwards. Making a child together is a lifetime commitment...making a marriage and then children from the marriage reinforces the commitment. If you said you'd stay married only as long as you felt love, then you'd be like a whole bunch of people out there going from spouse to spouse to spouse. Horrible way to live.

If, however, you make the vow to love, honor and cherish, in good times and in bad (because you're not doing it from a feeling you have, your choice to act on your belief you love results in feeling loving and loved)...then you've changed a premise in your life.

Which changes you.

Which changes your whole life.

First, you institute a commitment to listen and repeat. You may have been reared to believe that if you feel something, then your partner should feel it, also. This isn't respectful nor true of humans. "I missed you. I enjoy your company. What's for dinner?" That's sharing with ownership. If you're focused more on if you were missed, then you've made it tit for tat, giving to get, and that just unravels everything, eventually.

Called enmeshment...where you don't know where your person ends and his begins. Which means you have no boundaries, and most likely, no marital boundaries. Respect is knowing (not feeling) you are two whole, complete and marvelously made human beings...because you both are. You each have your own thought, beliefs, feelings, perceptions and perspectves. Having all these in agreement isn't love...it's control. It's fantasy. You are two separate and equal creations.

Listen to what he says and repeat for clarity or confirmation. You want to know his stuff...not own it. Stuff is my shorthand for saying thoughts, feelings, etc. like I wrote out above. Your stuff. His stuff. Your stuff is yours...not right or wrong, good or bad...your stuff is yours. Basing your stuff on his stuff is a burden too heavy for anyone to carry. Happens a lot though, in marriage, as the years roll on (I forget how long you've been together, though I know you're only in your first year of marriage). Each partner looks to the other to be the cause, control and cure of themselves...and we are not. Feels like love in Phase I of marriage; same stuff begins to make you enemies in Phase II.

You have responsibility for you...loving, respecting, caring for and understand your stuff...and sharing with "I" statements. That's the 180 plan I'm taking about. You can choose to live from respect...not from enmeshment.

And when you listen to his stuff, put a hopper ontop of your head...so his stuff will be heard, not taken into you, where you look to see where you're responsible...for making him happy, sad, anger, hurt, etc. You're not his cause...and you may very much want to be so you can be his cure.

It's all fantasy.

He's solely responsible for his stuff...whose influence he allows and how wide of an impact on his life...that's his choice, not others.

Begin presenting yourself...the way you dress, make yourself up, using perfume and lotions...smile and listen, do not ask of him for anything right now. Have places to go for your own enrichment...IC, Al-Anon...get books and study. Be available for the 15 hours a week UA time...do not demand. Show yourself you are whole and capable. You are a SAHM and a student. You are more than capable, SSW.

And mind your own sadness...which is grieving. You may not be grieving his choices...you may be grieving your own. Get to know your stuff by focusing where you have control...on yourself. Deep breaths, squaring shoulders, and "I" statements...listening and repeating...these are the ways to love yourself, build your self-respect and esteem.

You choose your own beliefs...if you believe we fall in love with our partners over and over again...and in between, rely on our commitment to the family we've made, the vows we made, then stand by your belief. It's valid.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you."

"I hear you choose to love me and right now, you don't feel in love with me, is that correct?"

We really do choose to love others, SSW. It's not a disease or condition we fall into or that invades us. We choose. And we choose to act on our love with acts of love. Be sure to do those for yourself and for your partner. If he's your sole focus, then you've unwittingly made him have to focus solely on you, where he has no power.

Share with him, "I don't have loving feelings all the time for you. What I rely on I know I choose to love you and act on my love; the feelings follow."

Please read up on Disrespectful Judgments (DJs)...they contribute to a wayward state of mind, living in fantasy. Here's one in your post:

"Maybe I am blind, but I do not think he is wanting someone else, otherwise he would just leave."

I point this out not to criticize but to highlight. If you mindread or assume, you are disrespecting yourself and your partner. And you know who it hurts? Both of you. He may well have an EA in his head going on and not want to leave the woman he loves (you're his reality)...and wants to keep the fantasy. You don't know...I don't know. Not assuming is how we bring reality into our marriage and live from it. It's respectful to catch ourselves and not assume.

Please get books and read...learn...grow...own your stuff and speak honestly. Your H may be in what Harley calls Withdrawal...and you are in Intimacy. Read up on how what you can do for your part, and acknowledge his choices. Listen to what he says and do not take it as you doing it to him...driving him away, stopping his feelings, etc. You're not that powerful. His perception may be this...doesn't have to yours, 'k?

LA

I have started today giving him his own space. I did not bug him about affection. He came home, ate, and went to bed. we said hi and that was taht. I asked if I coukld sleep in the bed with him ( he slept on the couch last night- read post in general, I believe). He sid sure but he did not want me to sleep next to him, he said to place the baby between us. This hurts so bad. I guess I am just shell shocked- one minute I believe I am so lucky, I am in the "pperfect marrige" and the next moment I am thrusted into a cell all lone. But, I will give him his time. I start my IC next monday and I did write him a letter asking about MC. He told me he would discuss it tomorrow.
Yes, this is my second marrige. My current H and I have been together for 3, almost 4 years. My ex-husband and I were together for 7 years ( we started dating when we were 15 and 16). He was very abusive physically and mentally. I got to the point where I really hated myself. I guess these issues are why I believe I am the problem now. He would tell me I was ugly and no man would ever want me, I was a horrible person. He had affairs on me all the time. One time I had went into the bedroom to put my two daughters to sleep ( they liked to play with my hair (they would rub it over their eyes) in order to fall asleep). Meanwhile he was in the living room with a few friends we had over. I come out of the room to find him in the babies room doing you know what to one of the females who was over. Stupidly I stayed and believed it was the last time. He left me with 10 dollars, all bills due and overdue, for a girl he had been messing around with throughout the entire course of our relationship. Thing is, even though I was broke and did not have a job ( I had went to college prior to get my CNA even though he did not like it, he said I would get an education and either cheat on him or leave him, the same reason I was not allowed to work). In a scence I really do not know who I am. I do know I feel good when I am with my husband and I used to make him feel good about himself too (he would say that anyway). I know all of these issues could be resolved through counceling, I still flench sometimes when my husband comes over, he gets mad about it because he would never hurt me in that way. I know he wouldnt, but.... I understand I have baggage in many forms.

Thank you so very much for your reply, it helped alot. Talking with people who have been there and done that helps. Also, thank you for directing me to where I should post at. Thank you,

SSW,

You cannot be a problem, SSW. Humans have problems, they cannot be problems, 'k?

Learning to choose a new perspective is what I'm showing you here. You are married. You are half the marriage. You don't ask if you can sleep in your marital bed. You get in it. He can choose to sleep there or not. Know your choices separate from his...half of the rejection really is coming from him and half is coming from yourself...for choosing to believe you can make him reject you.

Just as you studied for your CNA, study now for you and your marriage, 'k? Get these books...get to know why you have believed you are incomplete (when you are not) and why you are drawn to men who will treat you this way. There's a reason and it's in you...not your picker broken, 'k?

Because you believe you made him feel good about himself, therein lies your overlap...that means you can't feel good about yourself unless he makes you. You have given him all your power and you've abandoned yourself.

That hurts mightily. I know. Been there. Felt that.

You're not alone, crazy, stupid or horrible. You're you, SSW. You are a separate and equal creation by God on this planet...you add to this world by being in it. Before a word is spoken or an action taken. Please choose this belief to live from, to know, to have faith it's true.

Because it is...you've had other beliefs handed to you...long before you knew you chose your own beliefs to live by. You've been taught to act from your feelings, like they are truth...when they are not guides...they are signals to you, about you, coming from what YOU believe.

You can do this. Please get to Al-Anon, too. So you know IRL you aren't crazy or alone or defective. You are equal to everyone. I promise. God's design. I'm not making this up.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Thank you so very much... you really have a way with words, I appreciate the advice