Okay I will try to make this as short as possible. This is my first post and I came here because I think I am ready. I have known my gf for 3 years. We met our h.s. junior summer at a camp. We both went home to different cities opposite side of the country. I got a girlfriend just because it happened and I thought for sure it would never work. Well the gf and I got real serious. I followed her to a college a year later things get rocky. I randomly texted my friend we'll call her Maria. I had always randomly talked to Maria over the years. Well Maria and got to talking and she helped me along the rough time. I saw that I was not happy and I deserved to be. Finally I broke up with my gf and slowly drifted to Maria. That was around Sept. meanwhile we were just talking. We decided to meet somewhere in Nov. we met and instantly fell into love, everything was right. That was a short weekend... Well things got deeper. So then for Christmas holiday I went to go meet her family and I spent a couple of weeks there. They loved me I loved them I loved my time with her. We then met up almost religiously every month after that. This brings us to the present. I really love her and it has really had an effect on me not being with her, negative obviously. I depressed because I miss her. I will be graduating from college hopefully a year earlier then her. Which would be next year. If we were to wait we would have to wait 2 years. I really want to be with her now, I want her to be with me. There is a lot more to it. If I can get any feedback from this I will post more... Basially my question is how do I know if I ready to ask her to marry me? Everything I know and feel tells me I am. This is a serious decision so I don't want to just jump into it...

nothing?

Cmt,

It's not you...this is a really slow forum, this pre-marriage one.

Tough question, too...I think you know that.

Have you read all the articles on this website? They help us to understand how relationships work...how to have a thriving marriage...

Might help you to know what you're considering...that love may be what you feel...love is actually a choice you make. And it's what we act on, and then feel those loving feelings.

Before you decide, would you study up a bit? Also, get "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix. And "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend.

I advise these because if I could have a time machine, I'd take those back with me to when I was your age...

Your feelings are very real. They are signals to you from your beliefs...and it sounds like you want to not be depressed...which isn't a reason to get married. If you believe being with her fixes everything in you...completes and heals you...then your marriage may have a really rough time.

Read those books first...both you and she are worth your studying. Find out what you envision marriage to be like...get to your expectations and dreams with it. You're considering making a lifetime commitment...which is where the worth waiting for comes in...if you're considering not finishing college, so you can be with her right now...then you are ditching a short-term commitment. Think on this.

No bash...there's nothing wrong or bad about you or your desires. Learn about boundaries and making your own code to live from first...and you will see where you already are a whole, complete person...worthy, already, of growing side by side with your partner, for a lifetime.

LA

LA,

Thank you so much for your reply. I will do some researching. We both plan on finishing college that really isn't an option to either of us.

I realize that right now I love her a lot and maybe, mostly likely, I am just thinking with my heart and not with my head. I am not considering asking her for the sole purpose of not being depressed. We are much happier together, naturally. It has had a negative effect on us socially and academically and just in general. There are lots of reasons I want to be with her and I think it'd be some what selfish of me to only ask her because I didn't want to be sad anymore. We just work really well together, I want to be with her. Also I would like to be able to spend more time with her before I ask her and see how are when it just isn't about us. School or work is involved. I'll look into getting those books. Do you have any more insight for me?

Cmt,

Thank you for perceiving my post as supportive--such was my intent.

I wasn't saying that the only reason you want to marry is to not be depressed...parts are parts...they go to the complex whole of us. Sadness is grieving...and we grieve our expectations through disappointment...we grieve was doesn't happen right now and what does (which we didn't expect or desire). Good to know you know grieving and the stages.

When you study those books, you will find a lot of answers to why you have this deep pull...I wasn't going to go into all of it...though as you read, I would be happy to hear your own discoveries.

And I rejoice that you both will finish your commitment to college.

Two years before marriage is doable, is what I'm hearing. That's a marvelous time frame for getting to know each other better...which comes with the passage of time, because time brings opportunity to show more and more of yourselves to each other. To know yourself better, as well.

I'm not judging if it would be more selfish of you to have had the urge to ask her to marry you right now because of your longing. Those are signals, really great to know.

I believe you work really well together...and you desire greatly to be with her. Your desire to spend more time is very reasonable and solid. Seems you already know that time is important.

What are two years in the face of a lifetime? I really understand how long they can seem, when you have your eyes on a goal. Tell me, what if you confined yourself to right now...not tomorrow? What if you didn't dwell on what might or could be, rather on seeing what is really right now?

Would that do both for you? Give you a better understanding of who you guys are together and separately, how she meets your ENs and how you meet hers? What may be your LBs or hers? Seeing each other as best you can for who you are right now?

No decisions necessary.

Do you think it's possible that your urge to ask her to marry you is a sign of commitment you want for security? To secure against her leaving you, due to distance...or you being distracted by someone else locally?

We often fear in others what we are in fact fearing in our own selves. Again, not me judging your fear...exploring it. Tracing our urges is far more productive than judging them right or wrong...how can we know until we know where they are coming from inside us?

How well do you do with inexpressable joy? Are you comfortable with the soaring highs of acceptance, appreciation, respect and admiration you're getting from her? Do you feel like you need to reciprocate in order to keep your great feelings going?

In Phase I, we really do accept, admire, appreciate, respect and adore our partners...best self-images do that...we've worked on them a whole lot over our lives.

What about your belief she may be the right one for you? Would you consider that marriage is more about being the right partner? One is in your control...you truly can know who you are, what you choose, including, that you choose to love.

We can only guess about others. Time, again, bears out their truth...their stuff.

Doesn't mean they weren't the right one...

Doesn't mean they are.

Means they are separate and equal to you, and everyone on the planet. Also means if you choose to dwell where you have no power...divining if someone is "the one" then you will not know if you're the right partner, will you?

Studying ENs...conversation, affection, admiration...bunch of others, is a great way to meet those long distance. Creatively...and teaching yourself to share your stuff now, would go a long way to being a great partner...learning to own your stuff...listen and hear her stuff as her own...

Well, I think you have an incredible opportunity to learn a lot before marriage so you can be half of an incredible, thriving one!

I'm excited for you. Boundaries in Marriage can help you in all your relationships...and the Hendrix book was so amazing they made an entire Imago therapy based on it for marital counselors.

They don't preach, they explore with you a lot of the questions you have...

If you want to share your concept of marriage, what you've experienced as a child of marriage...I'm here for you.

Harley has weekend seminars...which may be a terrific weekend for you both before marriage. His book, "His Needs, Her Needs" was what I gave my oldest son for his wedding present. And it was used in MC that they went to when he was in the Army. They loved that weekend.

Share your insights back, too, 'k? Ask away.

LA

LA, thank you again for all of your insight. I truly do appreciate you taking the time and effort to thoroughly analyze my situation. Rest assured that I see your message entirely supportive. I needed someone to essentially play “Devil’s Advocate” I know that those closest to me might have a biased opinion and while that may be a good source of information it is not the best.

As far as me wanting to marry her for security, I can’t say that is the case. She never has given me a reason to doubt her trust and she doesn’t put herself in those types of situations either. She seldom does the college scene, which I am MORE then grateful for. There is no doubt it my mind that some part of me wants security but that isn’t the main reason. I do want to be able to take care of her and watch over and make sure she is okay. Her family is so busy right now that no one really has time to care of her and she basically playing Mom to them. Which is okay, but that isn’t really her responsibility. She is mature and responsible but someone still needs to look after her. I want to be able to do that for her.

I think I do a good job of expressing myself, in every possible way. I often joke that I feel like the girl because I always tell her how I feel. She has a habit of assuming things. In order for her not to assuming things I try to put everything on the table, so that there are no assumptions to be made. I think that we both feed off each others emotions and feelings. I believe that she is the right one for me, my right partner. Honestly I don’t feel that I had a choice to fall in love with her, it was my(our) choice to make us work and to go through the difficulties of a long term relationship.

Between her and I, I was the last one in a real relationship. Consequently I am little bit better and being unselfish, expressing myself, and work things out. She hasn’t had a boyfriend in a very long time and she has been used to watching after herself and taking care of herself. That doesn’t worry me though. She is far too loving and compassionate for it to be an issue, she is the one that actually brought that to my attention. When we are around her each other she tries to please me, I’m not saying waiting hand and foot, but she does little things which really mean a lot to me because I haven’t had someone like that. That is the type of person I am “acts of kindness” I took a test once. I believe I was that and “Touch”.

I believe one of our greatest advantages in the long distance aspect is that we are with each other because of who we are. It isn’t so much for the physical gratification or sexual for that matter. I could find those in someone much closer and save myself the money and heartache. Instead we have/are developed(ing) a strong personal relationship or foundation. We have and continue to learn more about each other. Instead of us just sitting on the couch watching tv together passing time we talk and it is always about something. We seldom just hold the phones to our head just to hear the other breath. It is constantly learn and developing connections.

I really wish I could put more thought into this and time. I suppose I chose an inopportune time to bring this issue up with finals quickly approaching. They should be finished next week so you can definitely expect more posts then.
As far as questions I am really not even sure what I am supposed to ask. I basically came here for unbiased insight on marriage and the steps leading up to it. My parents have had a rocky road and consequently I want to avoid that. It left a bitter taste in my mouth, while it was a learning experience it helped me decided what I wanted to take from their marriage and what I wanted to avoid. I will think of some questions to ask you, but please feel free to share your words of wisdom. Don’t hesitate to play Devil’s Advocate. I know at this point in my life that I am thinking with my heart and that is why I am thinking about it so hard. I don’t want to just follow my heart and not have thought it through logically.. LA once again thank you.

CMT

CMT,

My husband and I were long distance for dating and for the first 7 months of marriage. One thing that helped us tremendously was to commit to daily communication and keeping up with what was going on in each other's world. we talked every night for 2 or 3 hours and prayed together on the phone. We read the same part of the same books and discussed those--we still read together and it's very bonding. Best of luck!

auntiem, I appreciate your advice. Don't worry about us talking. We talk A LOT. To the point where we may actually talk to much. We have the same cell phone carrier and we both have unlimited texting. We text several thousand messages a month. We talk about 3 to 4 hours a day on the phone all together. Thank you for your help.

Focus on your finals...we'll be here for ya.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

We can explore more as you have time to read more...about ENs (like what auntiem was saying), and Love Busters (LBs), and about pleasers and fixers and a lot of stuff.

And about choosing to love...which is the marriage of your heart with your mind.

No rush.

Oh, which also answers your initial question, doesn't it?

LA