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Gandolf Offline OP
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I just gotta get this out of my system.
I see all over the internet and even have seen posts here in the past giving the approval of snooping or monitoring.
And I just believe it is as shameful as a spouse having an affair.
I've heard arguments citing a cheating spouse won't come clean.It doesn't make it all right.
if it is ok for a spouse to snoop , install or otherwise use
a tactic such as this, does that mean it is equally as acceptable for the spouse who is being monitored or snooped on to turn the tables and use these also to hack their accounts, key log their entries and then disable their very software they are using to monitor said "suspect" spouse?
And then what if nothing is found? Does not the accusing paranoid spouse owe the other an apology and then have the responsibility of rebuilding the offended spouses trust?
This just comes across to me a recipe for disaster.
Tssk Tssk. Spying and monitoring is dubious and spiteful IMO
If things are suspect, one day they will come to an end if
the spouse is cheating.

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A pity you didn't get it out of your system on GQII - then you would really have your arse handed to you.

But seeing as you ask, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If a spouse suspects infidelity there's a pretty good chance it is going on. Why should they not snoop and discover it?

That is certainly what Dr Harley advocates.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
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Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
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Gandolf Offline OP
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I really don't need the approval or acceptance of my beliefs from you.
I've done more listening and observing here than anything.
Don't lay it on my shoulders that the sense of paranoia, is someone REALLY cheating?? How can I catch them? Help me prove it sense of thinking that comes in around here is the general concensus. I really have not heard much if any real advicethat is gonna help anybody. Even POJA , policy of radical honesty
hype that is goin on. And when I stop to point it out, some negative comment comes out. it is cleart hat this is drama central.
Get a grip , do not lay an acceptance of paranoid belief as well as delusion on my shoulders. Maybe I did not make it clear. Lookingthrough anyones private material is BS.
A diary is private, journals and THOUGHTS. AND SO IS THE HISTORY IN A PC.
Any snooping violates common respect and decency.
If you read my post, DO NOT TOLERATE the incessant snooping insisting it is ok, or that it was accidently come upon.
MArriage takes trust, and looking for something bad , even when they do not find it. Still is mistrust.

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Interesting to see this topic brought up by someone with a history of online porn viewing. Apparently his wife should blindly trust, no matter what the history is.


Me - BS DDay 1 (Multiple affairs while overseas) - Feb 2003 DDay 2 (AdultFriendFinder Profile) - April 2007 Seeing a counselor. I think we have him stumped.
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If you have nothing to hide this shouldn't bother you so much.

the way i look at it ....if there is something i am trying to hide, i don't trust my H.....so, WHY should HE trust ME??
there is no true intimacy in a relationship like that.

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Gandolf Offline OP
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HMmm , so once one is found guilty. AND THEN. Goes about voluntarily setting up a filter block, THAT for the fact of the matter she has not witnessed me try to circumvent nor found porn activity, or questionable material gives her a written warrant to investigate all aspects of my involvement with forums in no way associated with porn or explicit material.
And then READ them, and attack me do to with thoughts I CHOSE not to share with her, due to them having us in nature.
When one walks into a councelor or lawyer those things are confidential. I was under the idea that a loving spouse who did not see anything involving , explicit material, or sexual material, may just learn to trust that person more than they had.(a little at a time)
BUT instead then attacks my personal posts here on Mbers.
A bipolar forum I go to. And other marriage involved sites.
Any of what I have said on these forums ,I say to her. Although I would handle things much more tactfully.
If the best you can do is take jabs at me for admitting and taking responsibility for my actions.And do realize that a spouse will still have concerns and want to check up on "explicit" material in my history on the internet.Then by all means do YOUR thing.
I never have. not admitted or addressed my porn use or abuse issues. And I find them deconstructive to my relationship.
I highly find continuing to live in a paranoid lifestyle, and one of invading material not even remotely related to these abuses an extreme violation of my rights.
NO I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT BECAUSE I HAVE FAILED IN THE PAST WITH PORNOGRAPHY THAT IT JUSTIFIES COMPLETE INVASION INTO
FORUM POSTING. Not if they found something being upset involving porn. But reading and then attacking me verbally in the home due to my posts.
If you can stop and try not to play the sleuth that finds the evil spouse, then just maybe you might be able to understand this is completely not about being able to GET AWAY with whatever I WANT.
DOBIE

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Gandolf Offline OP
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Yeah , maybe your husband does not have the past issues my wife has even before my porn use. And it is not even being hidden. But I will not be verbally grilled about what I post on forums looking for advice. And this IS happening.
Seems to me the majority of this forum is just looking for something to actually PROVE infidelity.
Just look at the most frequented forums and the topics that get the most attention.
My souse cheated WAHHH. HAdan emoional affair wahhh.
Somebody call the friggin wambulance. Cause invasion is WRONG!!
Unless it is consentual. And there are limits.

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I can understand how you would feel that way.
what i hope and strive for IS consentual......otherwise it just doesn't FEEL genuine, ya know?
the last thing i want is to feel like i am invadign my H's privacy...yet, if he is secretive about something...i do wonder what he is hiding....i feel concerned.....and if he gets defensive, i start to feel paranoid.
can you relate to how that might feel?

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Gandolf Offline OP
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mmmhhhmmmm completely, I really try to take that into account.
It is just that I haven't kept any secrets.
The whole internet history is there. It Has been, its been some time that I have just left it all out in the open.
Now the sites or activity that I am involved with that is not explicit is under verbal questioning. This sie for instance, another marriage site, a bipolar site I goto for support.
I was looking through you tube, and a couple blog vids were labeled lesbian and dancing girls, some other labels of that nature. I never clicked to view them, and I was just cruising through people blogs.
I guess I am going to have to just not have any pc activity.
I think she has been reading my posts. Which for the most part I tell her the same things that I say in my post. Sometimes I edit my conversation with her , and use tact.
I just believe that to be a courtesy to ones spouse. Not trying to manipulate in my favor.
So If this snooping and invading keeps coming to a new level of control, when do I cease to exist and become just an extension of who she wants me to be.(excluding that I agree with her on porn being a negative effect on our relationship)
I've made adjustments and given up some of my niceties in life.
For instance , I love to download music vids ,and other material and have taught myself to not follow a desire towards porn. Yet I still do not have the freedom to do the downloading I want. I take it as part and parcel to my mistakes with porn.My wife has a responsibility too though.
Even if I make steps to earn trust and change my behavior then if she is not picking it up on her side and learning to trust. It looks like a Mexican stand off, or even more like me just giving in.
And I am not looking for sympathy through all the posts, if someone just happens to think that the case.
I just am getting to the point that no matter what ANYONE else thinks , I feel like I am going to snap and just give up on living with an insecure , paranoid , and controlling wife.
one must first love themselves before they can love anyone else. And i must act in that interest in my life for the sake of my wife, children, and other immediate family.
I knew I had to stop looking at explicit images and focus on my wife and our relationship. So I did.
Now what? I cannot control my wife and her feelings. It is up to her.
unfortunately this may come down to an ultimatum.
I am not breaking the violation of trust and looking at other women anyway. So now it has moved on to other avenues to vent her paranoia.
The ball is in her court.

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It's the ONLY way I found out that my soon to be ex-wife was trying to have me killed.

Snoop, snoop often.

NEVER EVER trust your spouse.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Gandolf,

To clarify, is the true issue that your wife is monitoring your internet activity, or that she uses the information against you?


Me - BS DDay 1 (Multiple affairs while overseas) - Feb 2003 DDay 2 (AdultFriendFinder Profile) - April 2007 Seeing a counselor. I think we have him stumped.
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Gandolf Offline OP
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Dobie,
For me it would have to be that she uses it against me.
I do not want to "hide" things from her. I just really would like to be able to share what I have to say here at this website , or at others without it being read and taken out of context.

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Gandolf, I've looked at this thread and the other "Soapbox" one. I tend to agree with you in many ways. It's a delicate subject, I think there is an appropriate time to snoop, but not an a regular basis or frequently. My H is very handsome and gets a lot of attention where ever he goes....that took some getting used to (I get my share of attention as well) He has always said a couple of things that make a lot of sense, 1-no one will get any farther than you let them, so trust your spouse and stop panicking 2-if you go looking for something you will probably find something but you may not see it for what it is because you are so busy hunting for something negative 3- if something IS going on it will find its way home faster if you don't go looking for it and that way you don't look like a nut if you're wrong. I know that these views are NOT popular on MB which is why I lay low most of the time. I have to stop visiting sometimes just because I can catch paranoia like a cold reading all of this. My H never investigates me or my stuff. He expects me to be an honorable wife, and I expect the same from him. If one of us is wrong it will become apparant soon enough, until then life is peaceful!


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Quote:

He expects me to be an honorable wife, and I expect the same from him. If one of us is wrong it will become apparant soon enough, until then life is peaceful!





I think we all expect that of our spouse - and then we are betrayed.

I rarely snoop on my spouse these days - but if I started seeing entitlement and secrecy I would snoop again in a heartbeat.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Big K, I abosolutely agree with you. I'm not saying be blind and dumb, I'm just saying that it is very easy to be paranoid.


BS Me 48 WH 45 Married 7-10-04 DDay 6-1-07 DS13 (my star, his step) 3 cats (short hairy family)
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Its unfortunate that this thread has created so much animosity between those of us who share a common problem, regardless of which end of the problem we are on.

IMHO - snooping is bad, so is an affair but I see snooping as a necessity to bring harmful actions to an end, or at least to a head. Bullets being shot from a cops gun are bad too, unfortunately it is a necessity, I think you would agree if you were the one whos life is saved as a result. That is a life and death anaolgy, but so can be an affair. I know when my Ws A was over, we both went and got tested for STD's. She exposed not only me to potentially horrible, even deadly consequences, but she also exposed our three innocent children to them as well. The sooner I can determine what is going on, (assuming I have a suspicion to justify the need for snooping) the less exposure my family has to potential desaster.

Does any of this make sense?

2LLP


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Dday-1 10/05/05
Dday-2 06/02/06
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Hi Gandolf, back to your original question...I think that we are living in an age of great deception on the internet, where many many partners are using porn (a love buster for many) and then denying it...This is in many womens eyes at least a HUGE betrayal and to many of us not just a betrayal of a partner but of all women ......The fact that many M....people lie about there porn use makes snooping sometimes the only way to be sure.....When being sure of porn use decides whether you
a) have any respect left for your partner
b)want to be with them....
Then I can understand why some people eel the trong need to snoop....So IMO at least ....No I dont agree that snooping is as bad as the betrayal of turing to images of other women (or men) for sexual pleasure and betraying promises of fidelity and forsaking all others ...

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I will NEVER, EVER trust another spouse unconditionally ever again.

Snoop, I will and often.


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I don't think I'd pro-actively snoop unless I had reason to suspect something. But, I'm a lot more likely to suspect something now... And as far as I know, my X didn't have an affair.


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Quote:

I just gotta get this out of my system.
I see all over the internet and even have seen posts here in the past giving the approval of snooping or monitoring.
And I just believe it is as shameful as a spouse having an affair.
I've heard arguments citing a cheating spouse won't come clean.It doesn't make it all right.
if it is ok for a spouse to snoop , install or otherwise use
a tactic such as this, does that mean it is equally as acceptable for the spouse who is being monitored or snooped on to turn the tables and use these also to hack their accounts, key log their entries and then disable their very software they are using to monitor said "suspect" spouse?
And then what if nothing is found? Does not the accusing paranoid spouse owe the other an apology and then have the responsibility of rebuilding the offended spouses trust?
This just comes across to me a recipe for disaster.
Tssk Tssk. Spying and monitoring is dubious and spiteful IMO
If things are suspect, one day they will come to an end if
the spouse is cheating.




So... what your saying is I shouldn't buy your wife this shirt for xmas right?

unwelcome present



FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
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