Hey , I feel my wife is controlling and my opinion does not matter or count.
Small example is that I want a new cd radio in the vehicle for enjoyment.(oh and speakers too )
My wife disagrees."New radio is a waste of money."
I won't quote any of the argument.
It is just that much is purchased and comes and goes in our life, but she deems this choice of mine basically no.
Because she decided so that is how it is?
Or I do it and pay the consequences for just doing something anyway?
I cannot really remember a time when she decided something was important and I did not cooperate with her.
I want her happy.If she has a desire that is not out of our range financially then , great.
Also this was just a small example.
I would rather not drag up anything more complex as of right now.
I'm just offering up the feeling of frustrations that I have in relation to feeling "mothered" or having my wants and desires shut down for better choice of words.

Could you not just buy it anyway?. If she gets the same choice in buying whatever she wants and you can afford it, why can you not do the same?, do you both agree on budgets?. i would explain her that having a radio in the car is important to you for...explain your reasons. All this if she gets to choose and buy things too and you are not greedy with her spending. My husband is greedy with me and so i am the same with him many times. He would ask me to watch shopping and be frugal buyin stuff (i am a very frugal person believe me, he made me like that unfortunately...), but then he goes and buys a house i don't agree in buying because i want to be happy and not always watching every penny. Works both ways, you be generous and ask her to be generous in return

Could you get her agree to working out a budget, that would also include some money for each of you to use as you pleased? The things that she wants and buys could be a guideline of how much money each person should get to spend as they choose.

Gandolf,

There are some people, probably women more so than men, who are terrified of getting into any sort of financial difficulty or having too many financial ups and downs. Some people can deal with those sorts of ups and downs but other people get really stressed out over it. I know I do.

She may see your insistence on buying a radio as you trying to control her financial future for the worse - because let's face it, unless you are rolling in dough, any major purchase one of you makes is going to affect the other person. Likewise, any financial risk you take is a risk she has to take with you.

This probably has more to do with her trying to protect the family finances and financial stability (or maybe a fear of poverty) more than any desire to control you, per se. janyne's idea of working out a budget together is a very good idea.

Don't argue about how much you want it, argue that you can afford it and how (unless of course, you can't and then you have to be honest with yourself.)

The example of a relatively small expense was just that, an example.
There are more and deeper issues that come into play at times and I believe I shall have to open up a can of worms here though I did not wish to. We have one vehicle, and even when my wife is home I really am not afforded the freedom to come and go at will. I have only a few major hobbies which is mushroom hunting , fishing and gardening.These for the most part are justified away till I am still stuck at home.
I am bipolar and that is chalked up to a big excuse, I count that as controlling seeing as how I am trying to make it to bipolar support groups but the ability to make it to those and investigate them is explained away.
I feel like when do I just get the support to go out and DO these things without them being deemed a bad time, or i was going to use the vehicle to go to good will to shop.
What next passive agressive subtle way is next in my life to justify me not making a decision and being able to follow through with it.
I try to take the children to my mothers for social and outdoor activity.But we do not have the gas, the children always get so dirty there.(we go out and play in the garden and weed.)
We fish, " the girls smell like fish now"
When do I get a say, wtf is up with my values not being important?
Why is it safer for me to just be here, at the house where she can see me, than to let me find some healthy outlet for not being in this house with limited ability to get out and
just plain live.
I am probably going to get the , quit whining wahh wahh speech. My wife sure has that one down.
But I need to be free to do stuff, I mean I do Like to do some stuff 8P
I support her stuff.
I feel like I am in a one way relationship.

Gandolf,

Oh, ok. I think I see the situation a lot more clearly now.

Spouses are often very unsympathetic when it comes to mood disorders. You have to really educate them and drill it into their heads that this is a HEALTH issue, not a personality defect or a set of bad habits. You may need to get her to talk to your doctor, counselor or hand her literature or a book to read. On the other hand, people with mood disorders can be difficult to live with, so you need to stay on top of your medications and take care of yourself.

She is going overboard in trying to keep you home all the time. Is it that she wants you home, that she wants to be with you (have you tried inviting her to go with you on outings?) or does she just not want to go out and doesn't want to be alone? Does she think you don't spend enough time together or does she have some fear of you going out because of your illness?

You might want to try simply asking her why she wants to keep you home so much - without complaining about it or accusing her of being controlling. Just see if you can get to the reason why first without trying to guess her motives. After that you'll be in a better position to try to reason with her.

I can definitely agree with you on how I address these topics and emotions Aphrodite. that can be a key factor. And I certainly do not expect to have things in life just be magically fixed overnight. So I believe I am really going to have to speak with my wife in a very respectful concerned way.
Prolly will take some work on my part. But Anna my sweetie is worth it, and so am I

Hi Gandolf,

I wrote a post but it seems to have been lost. It doesn't sound like you are whining, and it's good that you shared more details so you can get better advice. That's good that you are planning to speak with your wife and to do it respectfully. I think you would find the articles on POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) and Independent Behavior useful. Good Luck!