Last year I posted my problem on another thread, concerning my husbamd's emotional infidelity with four different widows. His initial attitude was that there could be nothing wrong with his friendhips as there was no sex involved. Later he did admit that his behaviour could look bad to me and others and he promised to change.

He neglected me in public by always paying them attention and leaving me alone. I thought we had reached an understanding that if our marriage was to be saved he would have no further contact with them, but he has disappointed me over and over again.

Just last Sunday he wanted me to talk to one of them with him and when I refused he went and chatted with another widow for a while, even though I was with him. He later said I was the one who had wanted to stop and talk to another lady, this is what he always does he transfers the blame to me.

Today my husband informed me that he has no intention of promising me again that he'll never speak to those unmarried ladies again. He says it's all my fault because I cannot see how innocent his friendships are, yet he admits that his behaviour was too intimate with one of the ladies at least, but that doesn't count because it happened a year or two ago.


Lately he keeps harping on the fact that he thinks we're incompatible (after 41 years of marriage!) and that it's inevitable that our marriage will break up unless I change my attitude and realise that nothing's going on. Of course, he's trying to blackmail me but my reply to that was that I agree our marriage is over and that I couldn't care less if he wants to talk to them behind my back, but till we separate officially, I've asked him to show me some respect at least by not talking to them in my presence .

Going to a marriage counsellor didn't and won't help, because they all say he must break off all contact with them, which he did promise to do at the time, but he never kept his promise. At least now he's more honest about the fact that he won't ever break off all contact with them, I think he won't because he can't as he's addicted to the attention he gets.

Hi CS ~ your husband having an emotional affair. None of this is your fault, regardless of what he says.

Start reading and posting, you will get the support you need.

Carol:

Your post is very revealing:


then you said:


Exactly. One of his emotional needs is attention. If he doesn't get it from you, he is of an age where many, many widows will give it to him in exchange for the fleeting companionship they get. They too have their emotional needs which are at play.

You need to read all about His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley to undestand this point of needs that drives people to do what they do.

Basically, you don't live in a box. There are all sorts of external things going on with people. That you didn't go with him when he offered was not a good thing. You are trying to get him to be who you want him to be instead of dealing with him as he is. Yes, even after 40+ years of marriage <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It is a form of recreation for him and a source of admiration and attention. So, join him. Tell him how much you admire his work. This will completely turn the tables on him and you might even find that you enjoy the social interaction.

What you do together helps you stay together.

My opinions are my own. Perhaps someone else will have a different slant.

Larry

My H and I have different EN's but I am sincerely doing what makes HIM happy and he appreciates it so much, he is doing the same for me.

I agree with you, Larry....she should go and give him the admiration he seeks.

Due to selfishness, we did the opposite for 32+ years and it lead to my H's EA with a stranger across the country.

Ace

If those people are more important than you, then he s/b willing to strip down to his shorts and walk completely away from the M. Leaving you with everything.

After all, they are his 'friends', willing t/d the same for him. Will take him in and willing to start from scratch, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He is babbling and you need to reverse babble his guilt right back to him.

I have heard similar from my then WS. Do NOT accept stupid babble.

L.

Thanks for all the replies. It's much appreciated. I agree with what you asy about him needing attention, but I have honestly been there for him and have encouraged him.

I want to be with him when we're at a function and at church, but in spite of all that, he still seems to need the company of those women. I understand that widows are lonely and appreciate friendliness, but at a certain point I felt they were usurping my position as his wife when we were in public.

I feel negative about his association with them because he himself, admits that he waasn't very sensitive about how I would feel about all the attention he gave them until recently, without validating me as his wife first. I sort of just tagged along as an afterthought that he just happened to be married to. He was so concerned about alleviating their pain that he never thought about the pain he was inflicting on me,

Carol, are you a minister's wife?

Hi Thanks for the question, no I'm not a minister's wife , but my husband is an elder in our church and he is also the elder of one of the widows who fancies him so much. She lives alone and he has visited her by himself on his monthly rounds on how many occasions I don't know, in spite of my warning him that that could lead to a sticky situation.

Recently, he said he hasn't been there since we last spoke about it, so we'll wait and see, beacuse he cahnges his mind very quickly about what he should nad should not do. He feels he's above all temptation and other perils that may befall and beset mere earthly beings, so there you have it.

I agree with Larry

take a look at THIS LINK

Carol:

My W's Grandparents had the same dynamic.

He wouldn't talk to Grandma. Sit in his chair, watch TV and just interact the minimal amount.

But when they went to bingo/community potlucks/other outings/ he was sweet with all the other ladies....

Why? Cause they would tell him that he was nice/pleasant/concerned/fun/understanding/good looking/whatever. And he would reply in kind.

Well, Grandpa wasn't going to get into EA's with these women. And he wasn't going to spend time alone with them either.

But he certainly didn't work on the homefront to improve it either. Grandma complained, but SHE never changed her behavior.

And my W watched the dynamic for two years while she lived with them.

So, in light of the Harley filter we have now, My W understands better what was going on between them.

And how we can prevent it happening in our future.

Get His Needs, Her Needs. (HNHN) Now.

And start acting like one of the widows.

And go with him to meet these widows. It can't hurt. Even if you are in the other room, and the counselling like place out of earshot, you are still there.

Hi Thanks to everyone who has responded.

What would you say if I said that I feel I meet all his needs at home, such as doing my marking in front of the TV so that he doesn't have to watch his sport programes by himeslf. We regularly go for long walks every Sunday. I talk to him alot about what I'm doing and I ask about his day as well.I wait till he has gone to sleep before continuing with my work at the computer.Physicaly we are also very compatible and I think I am a loving and caring wife.

I read somewhere on this site that we're all geared for affairs, but my husband denies that emphatically. What seems clear to me is that he and those widows have a mutual need for each others' company , and obviously it's not quite as exciting and ego-gratifying to receive attention from your own wife as it is to get it from an admiring outsider.

I'd say you were not facing reality. If you were meeting his needs, you wouldn't feel so abandoned.

Please read His Needs/Her Needs to find out how to communicate with the other gender.

L.

Are you sure you know what HIS needs are? Communication as in talking about your day is not always on a man's top 5. Admiration is. There is a huge difference in those communication styles. When he is with those other women at church or where ever, they are not discussing the mundane day to day. They are admiring him with their conversation- there is a difference.

You say you wait for him to go to bed before continuing your work. This was a huge deal to my husband. He hated that I stayed up later and worked on the computer, read, etc. Now, we try to go to bed at the same time every night. Sometime I have an order that has to get out so I stay up later, but I try to make those nights few and far between.

Ask him to take the Emotional Needs survey with you. That will benefit both of you.

What a great post by LowOrbit !

And, Pep ~~

How do you do it ??

Day after day...

Always saying and posting precisely what needs to be said.

YOU and your knowledge is exactly why I am here everyday.

Thanks again, Pep

Thanks you for th ehelpful replies. I've looked at "his needs, her needs' again and I think it will be useful to do the questionnaire with my husband.

I also looked at the link suggested by carnation 3, and it does make a lot of sense to learn about supporting your spouse.In our case the trigger for my husband's need to reach out to other women was when his business was doing badly and I became the main breadwinner for a while.

I felt badly done by as I aws working so hard to earn enough money to support us as well as fighting these threats to our marriage. To say I felt used is putting it mildly.

I appreciate that no one is suggesting 'quick-fix' solutions as there is no instant solution., just as my husband starting turning gradually to those women for comfort and reassurance, it will take time for him to wean himself of that need. Or rather, he should rather learn to turn to me again for filling his emotional needs, so that we can regain the closeness that used to be so characteristic of our marriage.