well, this is the typical rollercoaster ride here. Last night was such a high and then it comes crashing down today. I had used H's phone last night to call the kids but before he handed it to me, it opened it up and made a big deal about an "EL" who had called him, "now why would he be calling me at this time? This is one of the new guys at work, his name is Eli, and he still gets lost but that's not my problem, I'm off duty". This explanation seemed fishy to me, mainly just cuz he offered an explanation and also if the guys name is Eli, why not enter that in your phone book instead of just El? So today I blocked my number and called it. I got a voice mail saying it was Elanor! Now, last summer he had told me this big story about how he had met an older lady named Elanor (like 70 or 80) and how he would occasionally mow her lawn and stuff. Of course this is instead of doing anything for me, who was trying to recover from a c-section all by myself. But still, if it was this Elanor, why lie about it?? Why not tell the truth? Maybe Elanor isn't 80, she sounded more like 50, which is certainly within the age group he's been involved with before. But either way, even if it's the same Elanor and she is actually 80, we had agreed that if we are ever to rebuild trust, there had to be complete honesty between us!

So what do I do? I know that if I confront him, he will lie. Then when I tell him I dialed her number he will be furious, defensive, and appalled at my invasion of his privacy. Should I call her again and try to get to the bottom of what's actually going on first, before confronting him? I don't know what to do or how to handle this!!

One thing is for sure, I will be writing my plan b letter today.

You could look her up in the reverse directory. See what you can find out about her that way.

You could also just ask him ... "babe, I'm triggering today and feel really funny about that 'Eli' call from last night, it just seemed off to me. Can we go through your phone and look at recent calls? And I'd like to listen in when you call Eli back to find out what he wanted. That would really help me feel better..."


I don't know enough about your story to say Plan B or not, but I do know that Plan B should NOT be a reactive thing. Make sure you get some of the pros to weigh in on whether or not it's time for Plan B.

He would be furious if I wanted to be there when he called her. I do know that

also, I'm pretty sure this is a cell phone as it has same prefix as my h's cell. please advise, pros! Especially some of the ones following my sitch. Orchid among others. I am definately going into plan b which I've been working towards, but was wondering how I should handle this latest deceit before I go dark. Just let it go and leave him with the nice memory of last night? Or ask politely, with no Lbing, let him explode and then use that as reason behind plan b letter.. the continued deceit even when faced with evidence, as what's destroying my love.

How about removing yourself from this Jerry Springer show and going into Plan B?

p.s. and before you do, call up Eleanor and let her know your H is married and you know about the affair. Then tell your H you know about Eleanor.

Do you have your Plan B letter ready? I would get it ready and get the locks changed on your doors.

I don't have it ready yet, will finish it up tonight and post it. I don't have a printer at home but can print it out on computer at school on Monday. Ok.. deep breath.. I knew this signaled time for plan B, but for some reason I needed to hear it from my support group. Btw, what if Elanor really is an old lady he helps. (he really does do things like that for people) But I guess even if she is, he still lied to me, and that is at the root of our problems, his comfort level with lying to me whenever it suits his purposes, huh?

yeah right. That is why he lied and told you this was "eli" at work. C'mon. You are smarter than that.

Here is a good example of a Plan B letter that might be helpful:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

If you got the bucks, you know her ph # and WANT to know more. Go do an intellius search. Gotta pay for it though. ;(

If you prefer to drop it, then do so.

Either way, it needs to be a way where you are ok.

Then before you compose your plan B letter, do the following:

1. Secure your finances.
2. Identify and implement your personal and M boundaries (this is a biggie).
3. Put your support group on high alert. Make sure you have their confidence. This is a tactical move. Let them know something big is coming and you need to know if they are with you or not.

4. Make sure your mind and heart are in sync. That way no matter what his reaction, you w/b ok with your plan B choice.

5. Read Mel's sample plan B letter and remember plan B is for your safety and protection, NOT to win the WS back. If it packs a whallop to the Ws, then that's an added benefit. If not you still use plan B to move forward.


6. Learn to use tools like RB (reverse babble) and other techniques to keep you safe.

This is a tough time but necessary if you feel so frustrated that you can not interact civilly with a WS or that type of WS attitude.

JMHO,
L.

This is my plan b letter.. what do you think? I do think my mind and heart are finally insinc, I really KNOW that I cannot go on like this any longer.



I am absolutely devastated by what has become of us, our friendship and our marriage. That is why I'm writing you this letter.

In all the years that we've known each other, I've never stopped loving you. We've shared so very much... the best of times, the worst of times, and everything in between. Last night at the Pride dance, I was reminded of how good we used to be together and I miss that.

I know that I haven't been the perfect wife or friend to you. My insecurities and emotional instability ahve in many ways driven you away from me. I hate that. The pain of all this has been indescribable. My heart has been broken a hundred times, each time I found you on another dating site, as well as the seemingly endless string of dinner, drinks, coffee, or whatever, with other women you are "just friends" with. All these things have shredded my heart anew and are just as damaging to a marriage as if you had actually slept with any of those women. But I think the most hurtful to me and our marriage is the pattern of deceit. It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer have any contact with each other, until you are no longer involved with ANY other women and can show me enough respect to be honest with me. I feel that continued contact with you has the potential of completely destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen.

In case of an emergency, please call Jess and she will relay the info to me. She can also be our intermediary with Josh and child support. It just hurts way too bad to see you and wonder what you're hiding from me or lying to me about this time.

If at some point, you feel like you can truly be open and honest with me, and of course, faithful to me in heart, mind and body, then please contact me and we can discuss restoring our friendship and marriage.

I believe that with true committment, we can rebuild our marriage on a foundation of trust and make it better than it ever was. I am that committed to our marriage but I cannot do it alone. Starting today, I am moving on with my life, with or without you.. yes, but I do sincerely hope it can be WITH you..That is up to you though.

Love,
fIL

IMHO, excellent letter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Let's see who else weighs in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.