About a month ago, WH asked if he could come home. I laid out my boundaries and told him right out that before I would consider him coming home, he would have to do three things. One would be to get into counseling. He's so mixed up right now. Up and then down. My head is spinning half of the time from him. He just started counseling the last time he was back here. I expect that he has another appointment scheduled for his next visit back.

The second condition would have to be to get a job back here. WH is living in Missouri right now due to his job, and shacked up with OW. WH doesn't know that I still check his email and that I can check it. WH contacted a person he uses only for references. This surprised me. He hasn't done this before. Again, D14 finally broke down and really let him have it the other night. She finally got around to telling him exactly how she feels about what he's done. I don't know if this is a reaction to her damn bursting, or another stick of reality hitting him hard over the head. In addition, last time he was back, we both signed the papers to put the house on the market. He sat there and cried and then to top it off, I left for the weekend with our camper in tow and my vehicle loaded up with stuff. I am working on moving out already which I think scared him. In a nutshell, reality has hit him pretty hard the past week or so. I checked his email again and found out in addition the next time he is due back in town, he has an interview.

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I do...it's my downfall. I have to remember that it's just an interview and nothing may come of it. In addition, the final thing that he has to do is to leave OW and I have to remember that hasn't happened. For all I know, he just may want to move back and bring her with him...

So, for now, I think I am going to go on with my life and continue to move out. It seems that when I am strong, that's when he shows the most interest in coming home. Is he truly afraid of losing me???

Any thoughts would be appreciated...

Get your hopes up that no matter what WH does .... YOU will survive & make a great life

therein lies your hope as well as your greatest Plan A/B weapon

I think you are smart and are doing the right thing. The ball is completely in his court and if he wants to come back he will do those things to meet your conditions. I suspect his affair with the OW will not last long. And she is probably gettng sick of hearing his carrying on about his family problems.

In the meantime, focus on yourself and your DD and take the focus off of him. You are doing very good, Xetta, don't try to rescue him, just let him figure it out all on his own.

Xetta,

You wrote boundaries=3 things. I only count two.

And if this "that he has to do is to leave OW and I have to remember that hasn't happened." isn't number one, you are surely spinning yours wheels in denial mud.

Xetta,

Next time you meet, make sure it is his WS head spinning and not yours.

Could this be a trick vs reality? Time will tell.

This is where the BS needs to pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Btw, it is a good thing your daughter shared her thoughts and feelings with her dad. Give her lots of reassuring hugz. She s/b praised not chastised for her boldness. More kids should speak out and as adults we ought to learn to handle the truth. WS' are no exception. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


take care,
L.

After her talk with her dad, she was really upset. We sat together on my bed and I hugged her and let her cry. I have been supportive of her voicing her feelings to her father and I am proud that she got the courage to do so. And I let her know it.

DD14 is my oldest, and I have two other children as well. DD9 and DS8. The two younger ones don't speak up as much, but we are working on that as well.

My main mission is to be there for my kids. They are my strength in all of this...

The three things were to get into counseling, get a job back here, and get rid of OW. I am sorry if I didn't make it clear in my post. I have made it clear to him though and he knows what they are.

The younger ones can write a letter or draw a picture to state their feelings. Mine volunteered to send his father a letter when he was 6 years old. That 4 sentence letter (2 statements and 2 questions) was power packed. Better than I could ever do and even made it through the fog. When the Xws asked to come back, he still had that letter with him.

L.

He called me today to tell me that he is going to be in town on Wednesday instead of on Friday. In addition, he said he was going to call his lawyer and cancel our court date for next Friday. He thinks he will get less money and more in lawyer's fees so it's just not worth it. In addition, he sent me a list of the things that he would like and talked briefly about splitting up our household items. He said he wants to meet me on Wednesday. I have a friend who keeps telling me that I should plan B his [censored] and not meet with him. I am seriously thinking about it. I can have a letter drafted and waiting for him when he gets into town. I don't have to see him.

It's time to not see him...

Yes J,

I think you should plan B him, the sooner the better... IMHO... But not to hurt him, control him or any other Him reason... You plkan B to protect you and your M!

I have listened to you too many times get your hopes shattered. I have seem your heart break with every disappointment.

I think in time your WH will pull his head from his rear and come back. What I am afraid of is by the time he does he will have destroyed any love or hope you have.

So I think plan B is called in your case to allow you to detach, heal, and to protect you and what ever love you have left... It is not about the WH, I don't care about him, it is about you..

My friend you neeed to get off the roller coaster, and get on an even keel for youself and your kids sake. I also think in your case plan B may accelerate you BS pulling his head out of his rear, but that isn;t the reason to B him.

JMHO
JIM

Thanks, Jim.

Not much is happening today and for that, I am thankful. Just worked and I have laundry waiting for me to fold as I settle into some television. I did talk to my lawyer today and sent him a copy of WH's list. At least it's a drama-free day and maybe I can get some much needed sleep tonight.

Hugs to everyone!

I am having a hard time this evening. WH is going to be in town for the next couple of days ahead of his normal weekend with the children. He mentioned the other day about wanting to see the kids and talk about splitting up the household items. He really doesn't want much from our life together. His hunting and fishing stuff, his personal clothes, and our wedding china (gift from his parents) and silverware (gift from his siblings) and the family bibile (gift from his mother).

I talked to our daughter about his being in town and our 14 year old told me that she is basically going to rip him a new bottom end. She's finally opening up to all the hurt he has caused and letting him have her full fury. I have told him repeatedly that I will not be responsible for his relationship with his kids and now that the damn has a crack, I think he is in for a flood now. DD14 has so much anger built up inside. I honestly think it's going to be good for her to get it out, but I am not going to help him with it. I am going to let DD hit him some with a reality stick...

Anyways, I am really a bit apprehensive about seeing him again. I want to get through this weekend and talk about splitting up stuff and then it is on to Plan B. I really hate seeing him, knowing that he has thrown away his life. It messes me up for days after seeing him and I really need to isolate myself from the hurt. I really don't see any other options left open to me anymore.

Any advice would be appreciated...

WH stopped by to see the kids, but mostly to pick up his hunting turkey hunting stuff. Big Deal! I played it cool.

I have a major decision to make... I have been doing some temp work until the kids finish with school in June and have been planning on moving back to my home town. Now, I have been asked to consider taking a permanent position with the company I am temping with. It's a good company and they treat their employees well. In addition, I wouldn't have to move my children and totally disrupt their lives. I need to consider all of the pros and cons of my decision before I jump at it and get more information.

It's really an honor to be asked since they have never asked another temp to go full-time for them before. Huge decisions that I don't want to make a mistake with. Wow... So much to consider...

I think I would take the job, if you think you can make it financially. Lots of changes and disruptions aren't good all at once. It will give you more time to work things out to your satisfaction.

I am going to take the job. My kids don't want to move and I see it as a huge possibility for me to make my own way in the world.

I talked to my supervisor today and I told him that I would have the application to him on Monday. I had a really good day at work too. I was basically in charge of a team of 7 temps and we had a large rush order to complete. After the others left at their scheduled time, I stayed behind to make sure the project was completed and ready to ship out. It felt really good to be appreciated and respected by not only the company I will work for, but respected as a leader by the other temps as well. It's really a boon to your self-esteem. No, I am not going to let it go to my head, but I will continue to try and put my best foot forward.

I did see WH tonight when he picked up the kids. We did exchange some words. Our DD14 broke down crying just before they were getting ready to leave. She told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to go with her father. I sat down with her at the kitchen table and asked her father to sit as well, then I gave her the chance to speak. I said nothing and she started talking to her father about her feelings, something she has never done before. About five minutes into it, I excused myself. This was a conversation between him and her, and I didn't want my presence to be an influence or seem like one to him. He's got to learn how to deal with his daughter's feelings. I am not responsible for his relationship with his daughter.

Well, enough for tonight. I have got to get some sleep.

Good job on doing a good job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Even better, how you handled your daughter and WS was poetry to these BS' ears. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It is sad to see our children hurt but Ws' makes it necessary. Better you help her deal with it than avoid it.

Hugz,
L.

WH is in town and he picked up the kids yesterday. He asked to put some things in the garage so that he could retrieve them through the weekend. The courts say that he can have access to the home to get what he needs, so I can't not let him get his things. He doesn't have a place here.

Today he broke down bawling....again. Six weeks ago, he came home and asked if he could come home. He's sort of meeting two of the things I had asked of him, but he's still with OW. He made a reference of trying to come home, but I told him flat out that as long as she's in the picture, we have nothing to talk about. He's so depressed right now and I listened to him cry and yes, I cried too. He even went so far as to hold me.

He's almost to rock bottom, but not quite there yet. He told me today that he's about 4 inches from suicide. He's homeless, his kids are hurting, and he's torn his family apart. I told him that I don't know what he's thinking since he doesn't talk to me. He doesn't show me that he even cares. His life is now on a definite tailspin, but I am standing strong.

I have a new job, a good positive outlook for my life while he's diving faster and deeper. I am concerned about him, but he's got to figure this out on his own. I can't help him. Seeing him again so broken up has really hurt me. I see it, but I can't do anything about it. He's got to be the one to make the changes.

I am seriously considering plan B. I don't know how much more of this I can take of watching him self-destruct...

Hate to sound mean, but BOO-HOO. He sounds a lot like my ex, who is miserable now that he and OW split. But he was the one who made the choices. I'd feel sorry and have some compassion for him if it was out of his control, but it isn't.

I know what you are saying. It just messes me up every time I get strong. It seems that the stronger I am, the worse he becomes. I don't know how much more I can take. I expect him to go back to his job in Missouri and bury his head again. He's so messed up emotionally and it spills over onto me and I can't take much more of this. Reality is hitting him hard now. I have a new job lined up and now he's saddled himself with a woman on disability. I was the evil stay-at-home money grubbing woman and now my situation has done a 180, and he's freaking out.

It's just that I can't handle his freaking out. It throws me for a loop and I am beginning to see that the only way for me to get off of this rollercoaster is to go to plan B. It's been six months since I found out about his affair and I have done what I can possibly do. He's been coming back here and crying for the past three months about his situation, but he's still in that situation. I can't deal with the consequences of his choices anymore. It hurts too much...