Take you time, and think this out. I'm sure he will be back. But you need to figure out if you need to go to Plan B or not.

I'm happy you are working. A woman who doesn't work outside the home is not very valued by our society, although we do give lip service to her. I think stay home and caring for kids is one of the most important things a woman can do. I was blessed to be able to stay home with mine for 5 years.

If you do go to Plan B, you need to be sure you want to do it, and do some planning ahead.

If he threatens suicide, the instructions are to call 911. No kidding.

I did.

L.

He didn't threaten suicide...just said that he was "this close to suicide", as he held his fingers about four inches apart. If he had threatened, I would have been on the phone calling everyone immediately. He's severly depressed and I have mentioned anti-depressants, but he dismisses the idea immediately. He doesn't want my help.

He called last night. My DD14 is working on the school play and tickets went on sale yesterday when he picked her up from rehersal. He wasn't able to reach me, so he bought three tickets for me, DD9 and DS8. He's not going to be in town so he won't be able to attend. It was thoughtful and I thanked him. He's trying to be nice right now. He basically told me that he's trying to come home yesterday, but I told him straight out that he's not walking the walk and in the past 6 weeks I have seen nothing from him. Maybe he's trying right now, but I won't be getting my hopes up anymore. It hurts too much from the disappointment.

OK...he's starting to freak me out.

Yesterday was the opening of fishing season, so I figured I would take myself fishing this morning. Lo and behold!, WH drove around to find where I was fishing today. Then he proceeded to tell me his plans with the kids.

I went home early afternoon and grabbed a shower. He stopped by with the kids again. He wanted to get the kids' fishing gear and he told me that I was more than welcome to join them. I declined saying that I had some things to take care of this afternoon. He asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day. I said some very specific things for when I moved out and then he asked if I wanted to come along to show the kids exactly what I wanted. Again, I declined and told him not to worry about it.

This is really weird. I haven't seen him do this yet. He is specifically trying to get me to spend time with him. As long as there is an OW, there can't be an "Us". I told him that yesterday, and now it seems like he is trying to persue me.

What should I do???

Orchid: Ok, he is trying in his weird WS and H way. It seems t/b confusing you and your wall of protection is up, right? It s/b.

So what should you do?

When you have calmed down, call him. Ask him to please explain what he is doing. Let him know you are getting mixed signals and do NOT want to be misled. Let him explain and to NOT assume. Hear him out and thank him for his explanation regardless if it makes sense or not. Even if his explanation hurts, hear it and show little emotion. Be gracious but don't let him know how it is affecting you. Come and post here. We can help you through it.

It is vital you stay in control of your reactions.


take care,
L.

Well, I did end up calling him only because he left his mail here. I wanted to know what he wanted me to do with it. We did end up talking on the phone some. He said he's lost everything. Reality has hit him hard right now and I think he's close to hitting rock bottom. I did tell him that I declined to join him today because there can't be anything between us while he is still with OW. I did show some emotion and for that, I should have my hands slapped. I apologize. Honestly, it does sound like he wants to come home...like he's missing his former life and everything that went with it. I don't want to get my hopes up, but he's very close to cracking.

I was very clear to him this weekend that in the past 6 weeks, I have seen nothing from him that would indicate that he was walking the walk. This weekend was hard on him. How do I put this... He's acknowledged that I haven't seen him walking the walk. He's understood that when I told him if he was serious about coming home, she would have been the first thing gone. He's hearing me which is something he hasn't done before...and he's repeating what I have said. Something like a lightbulb going on...

I don't expect anything to happen immediately, but I expect something to happen soon. I fully expect that on his drive back to Missouri, he's going to sink into the fog again.

I did call his brother tonight as well. I asked his brother to call him and check up on him. His brother said that he doesn't talk to him much anymore, but I did explain about him being terribly depressed and his mention of suicide. I told his brother that in good conscience, I couldn't stay silent. I am hoping that his brother follows through. Yes, I am concerned about him, and I can't help him. I put in a call to someone who might be able to reach out. I will leave it in his hands.

So, he's gone back to Missouri (Misery) now and I will continue on with my life which is falling into place very nicely.

You can mention to him that there is a plan to restore the marriage, that lots of people have managed it, and that you will pictch in and help once the OW is gone. He may not feel like there is much of a chance.

He has actually read SAA. Ken Aka Jim loaded it to me and we have both read it, so he knows that there is a way and I think he wants to come home, or at least the idea of coming home is becoming much more appealing to him. He was so sure last Thanksgiving that this was going to make him so happy and now he's in the deepest darkest despair...

It won't be too much longer before he's got to do something.

Good for Jim! There is no need to hurry. If he knows MB, he knows there is a path home. Hang in there, and hope that he does reach bottom.

WH has called and talked to the kids for the past three nights. What is up with that? He's gone for as long as four days without speaking to his kids and all of a sudden, he's calling every night around bedtime.

What is he trying to prove?

I called my lawyer today and found out that WH talked to his lawyer the other day. I guess he told his lawyer that he wants to reconsile. With his behavior this past weekend and with his calling the kids every night, I figured something is up. I have stated it very plainly that while there is an OW, there can be nothing between us. I am not sure what is going on with his relationship with OW right now. All that is important right now is the fact that I haven't seen the walk...it's all been talk so far...

I do think he's getting closer to doing something since he is so very close now to hitting rock bottom. I really don't want to speculate... I want to see the actions.

Remain calm and cheerful. Watch for actions. Also I would refuse to discuss reconciliation as long as the OW is in the picture. My WH pulled that - always talking about getting back together. He even got up in church and asked for people to pray for our reconciliation. Problem was, he never had no contact with the OW. It gets old fast. It is better just to tell him that you will discuss when OW is GONE.

You are right to want to see actions and if those actions are not convincing enough, steer clear.

He wants to reconcile because.......? Hmm..... that reason w/b important 2 u.

L.

Xetta, I second what Orchid and believer are saying (or is that I THIRD what they are saying--pregnant pause, then I shake my head).

Wait until OW is out of the picture completely. False recovery abounds if this MOST IMPORTANT part of conditions for recovery is not met.

Orchid, beliver, SC, i verbilized that very thing yesterday when i spoke with Xetta. He had the power when he walked out, you have the power to let him walk back in.

Watch the actions dear watch them closly. maybe the tide has changed, if so, you have something he wants your in the drivers seat. He needs to meet your conditions.

Personally until he can prove to your satisfaction OW is out of the Picture permanately, I would have your attorney stay the current course, let him sweat...

Remember everytime your strong he starts drifting back, when you showed weakness he felt in control and moved away...

Now is the time for nerves steal! Remember "The hard part about playing chicken is knowing when to flinch"

Jim

Thanks for the pep talk. WH told DD14 that he's going to be here this weekend to see the play she has been working on. It's not his weekend to be here in-state, so he's got to be pulling some strings. I am going to just do what I am doing and stay strong. I am so tired of his bawling and whining and him still going back to her.

Only actions will suffice this time...

Thanks again.

good for you!

He stopped by briefly to see DD9 and DS8 today. It was hard. I told him that our lawyers talked. He said that he has told his lawyer to do nothing at this time. Again, he said that he was trying to get home.

I told him that I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't know how much longer I can sit here in limbo until he decides when the time is right for him to make his move. Why doesn't he just get rid of the bimbo and be done with it instead of prolonging the agony?

He said he was going to stop by in the morning to see the kids briefly before heading out of town again. He's going to drop DD14 off yet tonight at 11 pm after the play's party tonight. I think I am going to head to bed soon. I don't need to wait up for him. I am too damn tired after 52 hours of work this week and taking care of three kids.

He doesn't DO anything because he has NO need to. You are enabling him to treat you like this. You remain in limbo on your OWN volition.

The only one prolonging the AGONY is you.

If you don't like the way things are going, maybe it is time YOU do something about it.

You are NOT being realistic if you believe at all that he is "trying" to let her go and get a job closer to save his family. He doesn't do anything different because it is NOT uncomfortable for him now. He is cake eating at the 5 statr bufffet and you are waiting on him.

I am not being harsh, just being real.

Best of luck...I know this is hard on your children. They don't have any choices here.

Goodluck

LM

I totally agree with Lemonman. Xetta, you have made the same mistake so many women make in this situation - you have fallen for the lie that your WH is trying to "choose" between you and his girlfriend.

He's not trying to choose.

He wants BOTH of you.

As long as you sit there waiting for him, that's exactly what he's got.

So why should HE change anything?
Mulan